To love me is to put up with a messiness I inherited from my mother.
The displays of self loathing and self sabotage i work on daily.
The clothes I leave on the floor.
The coffee cups in the sink.
The bed unmade and the too many shoes.

To love me is to deal with an annoying amount of independence I inherited from my father.
The acts of self serving that I work on daily.
The know it all moments when I’m working on something or fixing something.
The confidence in my work ethic, my persona & who I am.
The laughter I have over everything.

To love me is to know the loyalty and respect I’ve inherited from my stepmom.
The empathy I still long for and work to find daily.
The care over details.
The nurture I give when you’re sad or sick.
The standing up for you but also putting you in your place.

To love me is to cope with the stoic coldness and wandering spirit I’ve inherited from my grandma.
The parts of me you’ll never fully know that I work to show you daily.
The look of dismay I sometimes don’t know is on my face.
The inability to stay in one place for too long without going insane.
The moments I want to run away and never look back.

To love me is to cope.
Cope with knowing sometimes I’m mean.
Sometimes I’m sad.
And sometimes I love fiercely and passionately.
To love me is to love all of me.
Everything I’ve inherited and everything I’ve learned and unlearned over time.
To love me is to be loved in return.

I am someone who doesn’t know himself after all these years.
I am someone who has unknown fears.
I am someone who wants to express without being vocal.
I am someone who wants to share, without being social.
I am someone who doesn’t care but still cares.
I am someone who looks harsh but has emotional layers.
I am someone who enjoys loneliness, the company of his own.
I am someone who connects and stares through the phone.
I am someone who wants to travel roads and miles.
I am someone whose life is entangled in files.
I am someone who dreams like a child.
I am someone who acts weird and wild.
I am a human, a mere human I am.
This is who I am, I have no shame.

i get up
from bed
staring blankly

i look at myself
in the mirror
and got myself ready

as i was about
to head out
i see the mask

i sighed and
got it from
my desk

as i put it on
tears escaping
from my eyes

i thought
i could be who i am..
but the real me... already
died

When the real me isn’t good enough.
It *****.
When I’m honest, I hurt.
When I’m open, people hate me.
When I lose control for one second, people take distance from me.
Loose hope in me, don’t hire me, make dreams beyond me.
Being truly myself is always a huge risk for me
And hurting people is the last thing I want.
A slip is so easily made
In the most important and most intimate moments
It breaks the existing and the possible
The sad thing is, the moments in which I feel good,
When I’m happy, energetic, loved,
Then when I’m most myself,
Those are the moments I mess up.
So what now?
Is there no happiness, freedom and love for me?
Because it creates danger zones for myself and for others?
I don’t know man, I don’t know.
**** like this always happens at a peak,
A peak of love, happiness, freedom,
I think I’m finally there,
The space of being my energetic self,
And then I knock myself down,
Or someone else does it for me.
To the place of not being myself,
To the restricted, humble, polite, considerate form
Of myself
Which I have learned to create over the years.
I am in a sad situation.
I try so hard, so hard, to have the two,
The happiness, freedom and love without hurting others,
But on days like this, my hope tumbles down again,
To the pitch black reality,
Of me.

you "know" me.
but you don't know me.

the me you know,
is a bright, introverted mess.
an artist with a touch of glitter.
a stranger.

i, on the other hand,
am dull on both the inside,
and outside.
my emotion is yet to be determined
even by me.
and negativity is the highlight
of my personality.

you don't know me -
you don't want to know me.

- v.m

I’ve been drinking last night
I am not proud
It didn’t end up well

But
After such a long time
I felt like I belong
Somewhere
I could talk
And I did
I kissed, I laughed
And today I don’t remeber much

I’ve asked myself many times
Why do I do this?
Drink until I can’t control myself
For such a long time
I haven’t known the answer

But I know it now

Well, it is easy
To lose yourself to alcohol
To forget everything
Especially who you are
To become someone else
And I like it

I like to be that loud girl
Who does what she wants
Who doesn’t care about opinions
Who kisses whoever she likes
I do like that

I LOVE being wild
´Cause that’s the exact opposite of my true self
That’s why I drink

Is it bad that change myself to conform with society?
That I’ve changed so much
I’ve forgotten the real me?
Sure, society is changing
But I want to be the REAL me NOW.
Not to sound bratty or whiney,
But it’s been long enough of people hiding behind false smiles
And fake laughter
Of people hiding behind a persona they make for themselves
We want to be who we want now.
When’s it going to happen?
When can I walk into school
Without fear of being bullied for what I wear
When can I walk the streets
Without fear of being *****
When can I walk into a room
Without judging stares
When will any of this happen?
Is it bad I’ve created a false image of myself?
That I fear being judged so much
That I changed everything about myself,
That I can’t remember what the real me looks like
I used to be a sweet, somewhat girly kid.
Now, I dress like a boy
So not to get others attention,
I intimidate the **** out of others
So not to get bullied for being small,
I don’t show feeling,
So not to be judged for being weak.
I just want to be the real me,
Just once in my life without fear
Of what others will say.