You were not "Pain in the Axx!"
I was myself.....!
I was the person that not always seen!
I was myself....!
I was dancing with the Darkness of the Night!
Feeling the warmth of you when you are near me!
Feeling your hand squeezing hard, and I was smiling!
I was myself...!
Enjoying the company with excuses that makes you laugh loud!
"Seriously"..."Technically" I was Crazy, Little Mazen, Gentle!
I was thinking of those feelings around and inside me!
I felt the night and its corners...
I felt something in your eyes... I felt That Question!
"How on earth, you are not "Pain in Axx"?
                                             Simply.....
I'm not... I want only to live simple life with no complication!
This is me!

Without a further notice! She sneaks he way out into my tired Heart!
Without anymore will left for me! She hypnotized my guards and centered in the middle of my old Castle!
All my belongings became her! I became an alien in the center of my own soul!
I feel the urge to ask my Heart....What do you want?
What you will gain in letting her in?
Where do you want to end up with those emotions?
How do you imagine the chapter will be closed?

There is Urge!

The urge to run to nowhere and have that unseen peace!

That is the Urge!

Am I willing to leave The Maze!!!  Although my name is Mazen!!

Or....

Should I change my name?  Or.... my Heart?

"I miss  you a lot at this Moment"...She said that and hided behind the "Good Night", like a little child!
I gazed with a paralyzed happiness!
I gazed and my fingers on keyboard trying....
                                               to type my kiss in words!
                                               to type my hug in letters!
                                               to type my caring in a touch!
Your "This Moment" is a world for me!
A World that keeps smiles alive!
A World that revives hope!
A World of your...Warmth!

She asked me what is LOVE!

I thought of it and I couldn't fine better answer than this....

My Answer is Huda!

She is the Home of Peace, where the ugliness of the external world disappeared.

She is Unique in her kindness....where you feel do angels exit!

She is Devoted beyond the word meanings..... She sacrificed by all definitions and roles!

She is the Angel that if she get angry, she would show only love for you!

At the end...Love for me is HUDA!!

And I failed to find other definition than that!

And I'm happy i failed! She is worth to be failed for!

I am free!
A heavy Fear of being alone!
A fear of not find Love!
It is not anymore there inside!
I am Sad!
I am Alone!
I am Lost!
with all of that I am having a beauty!
A beauty that I am finding a meaning in falling....
The beauty in feeling the pain...
The Beauty in having those wounds to remind me that i am human!
I have Spoken all of my words with no tears and regrets...
I have spoken with pain and power...
I have spoken my lost for the eager to be Free!

I pulled myself strongly from keep thinking of her!
I dragged the thought from reaching my brain to give that note that i missed her badly!
I locked my crying papers inside that drawer, so they won't be engraved happily on those lines talking how she is in every corner of my day!
I sent all those feelings and thought to the land of Doubt, to confuse them from being true about their existence!
I've victimized all my belonging, so I won't let her know how do i see her in my world!
I've concealed my vibes throughout the day, to let the mind take cover my heart!
                                                      But!!!....­.I failed!!!!
I failed not to tell myself, I am in love with her!
I failed not to write for her!
I failed not to free my memories from her!
                                                     And.... I am Still...
                                                        ­   Failing!

For Ages I called myself Human...
With her I felt my Humanity...
For Years I thought I'm complete...
Because of Her She let me sense my Soul...

I Love her...Maybe...
I Care for her...Maybe...
I Protect her...Maby...

What I'm sure of...

Is that....

She is the Connection between the World and Me...
She is the Hope I hold within my Spirit...
She is the Light I walk in the darkest moments...
She is the Air I breathe when I ran out of any....
She the Faith I keep when I lose my battle...

I realized I love her with my stupid style...
I realized My Silent Love wants to cry with a Tiny Tear in Tired Eyes...

Keep shining My Love...
You are the Gift of God....
You are the Angel on my world...

Thank you for every touch healed the pain and soothed the tiredness...

Thanks for the laughters that you bursted out of the deepest chest...

You unlocked my truth...

Thank you my Angel...

When the smile feels shy!
When eyes stray in reflection!
When silence is my world!
When face invites mystery!
When no words left to be written!
When the feelings are dazzled!
When a tear is taken!.....
                                Then......
You know you are in the other world!

Scary label!
****** in principle!
Ruthless by craft!
He is the one who lost a privilege!
He is the Drifter! Wandering in universe looking for answers! Looking for himself! Looking for privilege taken from him!
Would he be interested in people around him?
Would he look around for comfort?
Would he consider the pain inside him?
Would he consider those scars in his body?
                           He is a Drifter!
                           He is ahead than others!
                           He is a seeker!
Nothing more to lose, but more to gain!
No more to dwell in the past, more journeys to go through!
Breaths to be inhaled and power to exhale!
There is purpose, meaning, belief, faith and hope!
Those don't exist in loser, they exist in
                           Fearless Ronin!

Don't know what to keep away from you, since everything became about you!
Don't know how to isolate myself from your world!
Is it love! Maybe
Is it infatuation! Maybe
Is it a dream! Maybe
Is it a hope! Can be
Is it an ambition! Could be
And what I'm sure of.....that....
It is manifestation of all those things and much more!
It is something can't the brain summarize it with logic!
It is just a pure love!

I wonder what language I hear when i let my heart speaks!
When I let my heart speaks, i question him!

I question him for a language that is not heard around!

Should I question my Heart or those Hearts around me!
Should I mind those Hearts... Or witness them away from me!
Should I care or ignore!

No doubt...

My Heart's Language worth to Listen to and speak it out!

It is A Language of a Living Heart!

I'm Inviting you...! Hope to hear your Heart's Language soon!

I will  lay down my pen for the sake of "Love"!
I will let my papers long for that Ink... for that dance with my words!
I will take that pain to keep the pain away for those i care for!

Silly.....Crazy....Manic!

Better than a hurt or a pain that i won't live with....
Better than a label that... will...

Let you down!

I broke my silence in silence
I broke my silence with a smile
I broke my silence through my eyes
Words feels shy
Voice feels voiceless
Meaning are humble
And
Still silence is prevailing
Like gazing at the water flowing in the stream...
when you hold your breath so you won't lose any moment!
When your heart is in peace of its kind
When your can't make logic of what is happening
When there is no formula that can be prescribed
When you keep you smile alive and let that child in you laugh inside you!
When your lungs are filled with hope and dream
Then
Stay in silence and be grateful
Stay in silence and don't ruin it with words
Stay in silence and feel the joy that you are alive within you!!!

Why am I holding the pen!
Papers are locked somewhere in those years...
I'm not owning anything human have...
I walked that path without any hope I will need...
I walked carrying nothing and leaving all things behind me!
It is path  of no expectation!
It is path I'm taking and no one else...
It is a path where I'm matter and no one else does!
It is My path

I want to throw up!
Things are stinky and gross inside me, pulling me inside myself!
I can't feel, except my weird silence inside every corner of myself and soul!
I feel i am in the center of nowhere except myself!
I know who I am! I know where I stand!
I know I am somehow alone! That what bugs me!
That what takes me to question my moment!
I hate that moment, when i long for a hug and Silence is the only welcoming hands that i end with!
That warmth is not inviting any peace!
That Peace is not inviting any rest!
That Rest is only a rest for another long tiring journey!
                 That is a Journey of my Choice!

I used to walk fast to reach the place...
I was not thinking of anything except the place...
I was not in love with Earth!
I was not in love with sky!
I was not in love with myself!
Yesterday, I've tried to walk slowly!
I failed to follow my Legs!
I realised I'm missing everything around me even my breath!
I've realised I've wasted every "Push" from God, from Nature even from my soul....
I've realised how many years of my life passed  not being noticed...
Years being slipped away without enjoying.....
                                            The Blesses...

Is it a Dream!
Is it a fantasy!
Is it a wish that can’t be fetched!
All my life, i’ve been watching life in silence!
                 And i asked….
Do I exist!
Is there a need to let my voice heard!
I saved lives!
I helped lost souls!
I broken hearts!
I touched the unreached Hope and whispered him
to shine in their eyes…
I am who I am!
If you see me silly… know that I am Human!
If you see me stupid…Know that I am Human!
If you see me sensitive…Know that I am Human!
I have my Dark side and that didn’t affect my love for you!
I have my Bright Side, and that didn’t hide you behind the light!
You always there, in front of me…shining in your darkness and brightness…
Do you have the same for me!
Talk to me, let me listen to you… Let me feel you!
I’m not better than you… I am like you…I am you.. You are me..
In a Journey we are together…
In a long-life walk we are together…
My Hand longing to hold your hand!
My Heart longing to feel your beats!

Are we falling apart …… Or

Are we reborn again!

What is your say!

I am Mazen...
A new Version of me is now here!
A Version that might confuse you!
A Version that might irritate you!
                       And....
A Version that is worthy to feel it!
If I smiled...It is because I saw you!
If I smiled, while you are shouting.... It is because I understand you and feel you!
                     And...
I won't change who I became....I won't Change the Version of who I am!
                   And...
I will keep my Smile...to Rescue You!

That is my Version!

With her face you go into a journey to wonder land!
With the blink of her eye, you read a story of its own!
Leaving her half face covered with her short hair, takes you to unfolded mystery!
Black eyes, black hair and black eyelashes tell you a story worth to be Listen to!
With her voice you can take the path in peace reading a fairytale never read before!
You read from her smile an invitation to forget the world and listen to the rhythm
She is a story of her own!

I feel cold in every tiny vein!
In every second, every part of me is deprived from life!
As if the Hope I had with Love being euthanize!
I won't feel the warmth anymore!
                           I won't feel Myself or My Heart anymore!
                                      I've been discharged from....
                                                       Life!

If I'm lost, then in my Lost the Journey will be...
What more I will lose after all what I Lost in my life....
My Learning in the Dark, is deeper than in the light...
My tears in those darkest nights are more profound than those smiles in the light....
I wonder where this Journey is taking me!
I wonder When it will end...
I question if is it a Journey or it themed with a content of an endless War!
I can say....My Journey...
Has its own flavor!

We born with big spirit within ourselves...
We grew up with a light faded away deep inside...Shy from us...Scared of what had been fed inside us...
We became at some point of time unknown to ourselves...
And...
We became a Heretics, when we start taking courses not known for other who used to know us!
For those who deluded our tissues with...
Blood not ours...
With Breathes not for us to breath...
With Tears not for us to be part of Cries...
We became lost in the space...
Lost in many paths...
Lost in Silence and even in Crowds...
And ....
Still have that Light, trying to find its way to the Universe...
Still Cleansing...
We Still Walk in Paths...
We Still Longing for Brightening the Dark inside us...
There are still Places inside us and outside there...
Those Places that would be nice to be Un-tagged with things that are not meant to be for US!!!...

High Prices Paid!
Deep Pain Felt!
Confusion was the Theme of my life!
Loss was a result of every wound inside me!
I'm not perfect and i won't polish that!
I'm not angel and i won't pretend!
I'm not Living my Past!
                                       But.......
I am now who I am!
Tomorrow will be different than who I am now!
I will be in different versions.... But my Heart is the core of every version!
Don't judge my version, check My Heart and Connect!....Thanks

I remember !
When logic finds no way to rational!
I remember!
When the beat of a heart is no longer part of a dictionary!
I want to fold all my papers
I want silence to accompany me in my cave!
I want to rest my breath in stillness!
And .....
I remember... with a note from Reality that Everything are running away!
I can sense the fear! The holding back of what is kept deep inside!
And....
I'm here in my dark room trying to bury my burns!!
Trying to write my last Epitaph

Fears find its voices before the sleeping Child inside me!!!

The faint voice of hope Still breathing heavily to let me feeL its presence....

The unseen but felt hope, touches my strayed soul to get me back to right path...

Peace was my theme!
Loneliness was my rule!
Mystery was unknown touch!

And still looking for answers, and tired of searching for logic of each question!

Mind is screaming for a sleep!
asleep that it won't think further of the unknown!
still That music is haunting that spirit inside me, begging me to play that craziest Chapter in my life that still to beplayed.....
That chapter that I didn't write with fear... ... with Measures...... with known Results......
And.......
AM I considering my options with "Chances"!

Beliefs were cracking in Hell in Black November...
Shaking hands with demons and Satan was near in Black November...
All my belongings in this world were lost in Black November...
To unspotted Dungeon I prayed to heaven to lead me...
Melancholy was my melody...
Blasphemous was my creed...
Doom was my direction...
Giving up on people...
Trusting no spirit around me, even myself...
Reading all my scripts, Leading to nowhere...
Loss upon Loss...
Losing my compass!
Losing my right to live!
Losing the bright side!
                                       Losing my soul!
All my limbs are not belonging to me anymore..
Anger snatching my flesh leaving me naked...
Bones are withering with the wind...
                                       I want to declare my Death....
Going to places and not feeling being there...
Looking at faces and can't remember I've been with them...
Talking without hearing my words reaching my throat...
                                              Am I Alive?
"You look different"!!!
Healers from different part of universe, looked at me saying "Put your self in Ease"!
You are the Quiet Angel, Keep Shining your light, never hide it!
                                         You are Special!
Your Heart is open and will heal!
Your Heart will be in Harmony!
Your Heart will be clear and you will have clarity in sight!
                                         The Light felt inside me!
With no pain in heart beating, my morning started!
With no expectation my mind woke up!
Reborn differently with solid Hope!
Thanks! (T & J)

What i'm holding back myself from saying to her?
The Heart eagerly beating my chest urging me to tell her!
The Mind is spontaneously stepping back happily to let the Heart say its word.....
The Soul gracefully holding the space for Heart to live the Joy of that Feeling...
                                        What to Say!
It is a question that burns me like the child's excitement!

                                        What to Say!
It is a wish to let her feel how she is coloring my life!

                                        What to Say!
It is a longing to let her know the warmth that she brings to my soul!

                                        What to Say!
                                        I love you!

I told the world, who she is!
I told them that she is the joy within me!
I saw the smile on their faces when I'm talking about her!
I saw the happiness tickling their lips while listening about my time with her!
I told them how worthy she is Over them!
And I tell her....
My time with you, won't be a mistake!
I stood there listening to her pain, and with a smile I'm telling her...I'm there!
I can feel her unspoken words, the unrevealed feelings in her eyes!
I can feel the smile when she look into my eyes!
She took me to another level of love!
A love that Makes me feel the child inside me revived!
She still doesn't know who she to me!
She is everything meaningful when things turn nonsense!
Do you still want to know who she is!
She is my angel!

I question in pain the blood running in those veins!
Questioning those purposes i found created and realized in my journey!
questioning with bitterness..with being lost in my space, my soul, mind mind...**** inside me!
**** towards a black whole!
knowing nothing if i'll be getting out of it or not!
knowing nothing except i saw the lonely air, lonely feelings, lonely self!
I questioned finally if i have Human Blood!

When you are blessed enough to someone

Being with you is a bless given by God!

Listening to your soul is a remedy for a tired soul!

Reading every single word from you like reciting a mantra of pure love among Angels!

A radical bond created beyond people terms and norms!

Silly...Funny...lightness...spontaneous...are the core of our moments!

Downs are met with faith...
Ups are felt with appreciation...

With all of that, a happy 1 paper anniversary, is not but a long life journey filled with amazing moments!

With that I face any moment even if it is painful, with joy and hope!

Thank you for the light you bring to us!

What an irony! .....When feel things are changed and you got the slap that the change is only an illusion....

What a bluff! ....When your heart started to sense so-called life, and then miserably being treated by misunderstanding...

What else needed to lose!
What else those humans would ask for!

My mistake... I Trusted my feelings and they thought I Betrayed them!

What would be my list of disposal Now!

Life.....Feelings...Myself!

In the casket I saw you!
With a smile you are laying there!
The echo all over the place!
Whispers all around me and about you!
Who is the handsome?
Who is the one in silence?
Who is the one in quite look?
I read the eulogy, with faith it won't be heard only in heaven!  
I'm not lamenting you!
I just wanted to tell them the secret!
Just wanted to tell them who are you!
The echo carried my words..... With pain!
Prayers stopped from being spelled over you!
Are you doomed?
No!
Prayers are crying on you!
You are in safe hands!
Rest in peace!
It is not our funeral!
It turns to be their funeral and we are invited!
We are alive more than they do!
We are alive!

I want to end the story of that guy who is good…who is nice..who is helpful!
I wan to stop the scene of that person who is with that cool smile..
I wan to start a  new story!
…… No More of those facades!
A story of a new version…
A story of upgraded version…
And not…
A version of a perfect one!
I am not seeking perfectionism…
I’m seeking my true self…
I’m seeking Me!
10-10-2018

Looking into your eyes!
Watching them checking on me with that passion!
Looking at them and feel the warmth of caring!
Let me know for sure  how "Love" fails against you to prove its glory!
You gave "Love hard time to cope with your caring!
You proved that there is much more than "Love" that needs to be between hearts...
Thanks for everything in you seen and unseen!

I miss her!
I miss the breath in my mouth!
I miss the fallen hair on floor!
I miss the smell in my bed!
Is it the begin of my fall!
Or am I in the middle of decending to inferno dark side of loneliness!
Here I will oblige my pen to step!
I will contain my heart beats within the chest that held years of secrets!
No further spell of words on those white tempting papers!
No more openness
No more me!
Sorry!

How those pages will be filled with or what...will be interesting!
The excitement is that "Uncertainty" is not becoming a fear!
I am behaving like a dummy...ignoring urges of getting answers!
getting emotions in return!
Feelings are standing on the corner of Uncertainty, questioning the path it taking!
Questioning who is there in the road, they will meet!
Questioning why they were revived after ages of sleeping in silence!
If I love...Do I have to be Lost!
Those are my pages to you!

Looking around and hearing stories

Looking at those eyes and bedazzled with the light of passion in them

In the Shadow I stand and watch those hearts go away!
And I asked

What makes me stand in their shadows
I realized that we are guardians with missions!!!
And....

My mission in the world to be the guardian of silence and the right words!

I'm the Guardian of Unspoken Emotions
And that is my tomorrow...
Share with me your Tomorrow!!!

What is there in Silence that ****** every portion of me to listen?
The mind is somewhere...
Body doesn't belong to it.....
Feelings are somewhere wondering for answers!...
It is a Silent that worth a million lifes!!!
Would you ask for it?

It is the moment, when you feel the love of earth!
It is when your steps are dancing with your life...
It is when you see those smiles and eyes firing love and caring...
It is when you feel you are about to lose your guts...
It is when you feel here "where I should end my marsh"...
It is when you feel "I was not dreaming big"...
                  Then the voice of Truth comes and says...
                                             "Smile"!!
Then you feel the **** of your limiting beliefs... The **** of your Saboteurs!
Then you claim your Right Birth that "My Voice is Worth to be Heard!"

In process of knowing who I am!
In process of recalling my memories!
I found an empty space!
A space I can’t remember!
A space I struggle to belong to!
A space I questioned my belongings in this world!
A space I realized I’m forgotten!

14-10-2018

Is it a thought, it can be!
Is it a hope, no harm to consider!
Is it around Love, let us find out!
Is it a confusion, slightly!

I know one thing…… A lot of whispers inside every corner in me!

Am I getting angry…. absolutely!
Am I reaching beyond the stretch of my patience…Definitely!
Am I touching the ceiling of losing my faith… Obviously…


I can survive out of pain!
I can move on with the hurt!
I can tolerate wounds outside and inside me!

But
I can’t survive Lost!
I can’t tolerate wasted feelings!
I can’t let my reborn heart down!

I just want….
To shut up all those  voices and talks inside me!
I don’t know who is talking to me…..
Is it myself…
Is it my heart…
Is it my brain…
is it my soul…
is it The God…
Are they the angles…
Are they Heave’s blesses…

I don’t know where they are coming from…
I know they are taking me to places, where I can’t rest…
I don’t know their structure…
I know they go deep in every breath I’m inhaling and not going out…dwelling and going in circle all over me!
I don’t know why they wan to talk to me!
I know there is a message…

What the message is!….
I woke up feeling i’m  becoming a Hell-boy doomed ages ago!
Other days, i feel i’m the Grey Wolf, protecting my territories ..


I don’t want to reach “Beware the levelheaded person if they’re angry.”….
I don’t want to reach the cry that who are in Heaven and Earth can’t understand…

I just want…
Sleep with her…. Not the way you are thinking…
Smell her… Also not the way you are thinking…
Looking to her eyes before i close my eyes and sleep in peace…

that is a dream, a wish, a hope, that won’t come true…
and that what makes it more…..
Outrageous!                                      

I might…
Not open my eyes after that and die in peace…
Leave the world behind me and go far away…
Lose the faith in something called love…

At least…
Finally i slept in peace!
A peace not defined by human and defined only by my…
Heart and Love!

When Childhood has no face!
When you can't feel the spirit of that child in you!
When you search for that hope to revive the dead emotions!
When you look at that face and you wish to touch it to feel its virginity!
When you are unwelcome to unmasked what has been masked!
When the "ShinTaiDo" gives the wisdom to speak out of your feelings!
When anger or frustration is meeting with other anger and frustration, then what kind of "Fire" is in the Place!
I know nothing about what they call it  Terms or Jokes...
I know those feelings and emotions in those feelings...
I know the mystical touch in the sky that i can't express....
I know that i was asked to say, No matter how it will be received...
I know I am a messenger of a different kind of message!
I am Charm!

In the darkness of the first night, I saw nothing except the mysterious energy around that bed!
I saw her gold hair, and I said what I'm into now!
I couldn't sleep!
I was sensitive to every single movement of me so I won't disturb the mysterious sleep of her!
I heard the fight between her pen and paper... A battle of proving a point of view that no one won't understand!
"It is raining" a voice i won't forget!  
A voice of caring!!!
Beneath her bed, I was playing a game of guessing!!!
Is she writing!
Is she drawing!
Is she fighting!
Is she in pain!
The question I keep asking myself!
Is it my business to be so sensitive about the energy around me!
What I am made of!

Every day in the same corner...
Every day in the same coffee shop...
With the same Espresso and bottle of water...
Alone and no one on the other chair!
Headphone embracing my ears with "All along the watchtower" melody!
Violin screaming out for me to show what is hidden inside!
It is not the time! still there time to dwell in silence and listen to you!
When a Ronin rest, he heals the In before the Out!
He Listens to Messages from Heaven!
He Reads what Nature is giving!
Still there enough time to raise!
He still has that..... Hope!

This is how I feel the music with gentle melody and sad tone…
It let me go into deep thinking inside my the lost soul and crazy world…
I don’t write my poems so i would be labeled a poet…
I just want to smell the breath I’m taking inside me…
I just want to taste the water that dancing inside me...
I just wanted to retrieve what has been taken from me all those year...
                                       I wanted to...
                                      Love in Peace!

I hold the pen and close my eyes, makes my heart open his book in pain!
Listen to that melody calling for that melody, makes all lines shake in fear!
Space and every element surrounding that space lead to hold my trembled heart to fade in illusion!
Questioning my reasons....
Questioning the versions of me I became through my journey!
Questioning the purpose I have every now and then!
Questioning should I go further than this place I reached!
The sun hiding behind those shy clouds trying to keep the light of the new road from being seen!
What is behind that Road!...