Holding The Pen and closing my eyes, making my Heart opens his book in pain!

Listening to that Melody calling me loudly to hear the unsaid words, makes all lines shake in fear!

Space and every Element surrounding that space lead to hold my trembled Heart to Fade in Illusion!

Questioning my Reasons....

Questioning my Versions i went through and became....

Questioning the Purpose I have every Now and Then....

Questioning "Should I go Further than this Point that I reached?"...

The Sun is hiding behind those shy Clouds, trying to keep the Light of A Road from being Seen!

And I'm Questioning....

What is behind that Road?

Nonentity to Fulfilment!
Obscurity to Clarity
Aimless to purposefulness!
Hopelessness to Dreaming….

I walked from there to here!
In a journey that you walked also before we meet!
Walked slowly… in fear…with pain…hand in hand with despair…
Walked of the road… lost and in silence…
Angry from everything and everyone…
Angry of myself!
Walked in noises and my heart not around!
walked in….

and

I have faith in that we all fall and we all recover…

And

I saw Ego died in R1 and “All/we” reborn.

And

I felt dreams came true in life…

And

I sensed authenticity shining in those faces I love… shining in eyes without words!!!

And

That is the faith that keep us Unique!

I am A hippo!

I am HAP…. Hippo And Proud!

Scripts has been written and became rotten…
Words are abandoned and forgotten…
Papers are withered and paled away…
Feelings are faded and hugged by lost!

And

Trying to find meaning was not easy…
It ends up trying to find myself…
It is not in love only…
It is not in money only…
It is not in fame only….
It is not in anything if you are not in everything in this life!

Go all the way…..

Your quest won’t be the same always!

When the Silence became the only Resort!
When no Places else to be visited!
When words are small enough not be be seen!
Then...
What Space is left is a space not to breath!
Being Lost won't be defined!
Then...
You start questioning your Silence!

Reading Those stories..
Reading Those Lines with Heart and Mind…
Feeling those immense emotions…
Led me to a question…. Do I have a story!

Although a thought came saying “No”

Another Question popped up… Do I Have to have one!

A feeling came saying “ Is it Mandatory?” Do you need to please anyone or anything?

Something came and talked to me: Is it an Ego? Is it the box of “I am nothing”?… Is it the Box of “I Need to be seen”?

I don’t know!

So…Let me tell you the “No Story” of me!

The Journey of No change!
The Journey of becoming aware of my dark sides!
The Journey of waiting for someone to tell me “You are doing something!!.

“Coaching has saved you”!! with a smile and sadness i received this statement, knowing it is true!

What a waste!

It is Journey of Angry soul! Angry Words, Angry Breaths that burn this history under my name!

In My silence I build, waiting for that erupt to free me from those chains of……

“It should be right”
“It Should be Catchy”
“It should  be perfect”

……And…

I still don’t know why?

It is  A Journey of falling in love with “Profiling”!!

When Identity became not welcomed and preferred anymore!

When I resent every minute of my life of knowing nothing except losing things including myself!

Maybe years passed by you with no hope in the horizon!

Maybe hours wasted in things you didn't feel them!

Maybe breathes sneaked away without feeling where they went!

Then that unplanned minute happens when your eyes touch that person while he is in front of you projecting that peace that you were fighting for!

When your heart gives that beat, were you straying for ages to know you are alive!

Then...

That is the moment when you realise that you reached one of your Meaningful Beat in your life!

Saying my last prayers, obliged to end a chapter in painful epic!
My prayers are blasphemous, painted with wonder!
My prayers are not shared and closed inside me! It would burn those eyes who can't see!
I read them with closed eyes!
Read them with silent heart, unheard beats that won't scare the universe!
"You are a Star"! .... No I'm not!? I'm the Darkest  Sky that hides Stars, Shooting Stars and Rains!
Don't come near me!
I'm carrying packages inside me!
I'm surrounded with unseen halos!

That is why my prayers are not heard!
I'll keep them posted on sphere!
Let them be voiced out but not comprehend!
Let them be free from being part of little talks!
Let them be ****** and blasphemous!
             Let them be just a last prayer

What a normal day...and funny as it is not normal on the other part of it!
Trying to search for words to help my soul in finding the right meaning to describe....However, in vain!
I asked for simplicity, and in return, answers were learnt in a hard way!
what is wrong with me!
What is wrong with my feelings!
What is my space!
I really loved that person!
I felt the warmth... The safe to be myself!
Is it my fault to feel so!

Hello…
It is True that my words voice demanding, but when words fails to translate what their inside their soul and veins, then excuses are sought…
If I gave you my blood, you would feel the heat, the burning, the eager that human’s dictionary won’t capture…
The only misfortune was coming in/at wrong time and wrong state!
“Is there something else, you want?”
I looked at her and my heart wants to shout out and loud, saying to her “ Can’t you see!”, “ Can’t you hear!”, Can’t you Feel!”….
I’m creating “Drama” of its own, “Drama” ruined by human and I’m counted on them and I’m not one of them!....
Everything is Burning…
Everything leading to those states that I’m leaving behind…
“I am …..” ….. I know more than that….
I know every minute what comes when you are around me or not…
I feel the world more when I look at your eyes and they are telling me “I fear what you carry for me?”….
Don’t walk away! When my world is burning…
Don’t Walk away! When my Heart is Yearning…
I feel the silence when created by your words, sending me to the island of answers, where no answers left for me to give it back to you….
After knowing you, silence became my enemy after being my close friend…
In him you live…
In him your words move…
In him your eyes… your hair… your white skin are portrait…
Tell me when we draw the line…
You let everything flying around!
You let colors be seen!
You let love has a taste!
Time has meaning!
Heart has a life!
Sky is holding many words!
Shooting stars are dancing!
Moon is shining…
You let me ”Fly”
To somewhere…
To Some Places were not visited…
To some emotions were not felt before…

You became the theme of undrawn future… The theme of the air I’m breathing… The theme of silence I’m dwelling in…

They saw the other person in me….
They saw the life in me…
They saw the smile you put inside me..

But
They didn’t see “You” …. SSSSHHHH…. It is a Secret!
Your “Genuine” was clear like a sun…
Your “Transparent” was like a shining diamond…
Your “Strength” was felt in your punches…
I know you from your eyes when looking at mine…

What isn’t real?

God created me with full of packages built inside me…
God sent that angle to trigger the treasure box inside me…
God’s well! I can’t help in that!

What is real, is the inhale of real life started with you, stepping in my lonely castle!

You are “Naked”!

My Emotions were embedded in a written word that are given to me by heaven…
Mind and body surrendered to Heart declaring Love being given from the Seven Heaven….

“Naked” from Flesh, but covered with emotions, love and authenticity … Protecting me, taking care of me and easing my falling…

“Naked” from selfish, naked from meaningless, naked from hypocrisy, naked from lust and naked from earthly desires/whims…

I only want “Love”!

“I do feel safe with you”! “I always did”
“How do you know that you miss me?”

When sleeping on cold bed, takes your life and spirit…
When warmth is leaving your bed for ages....
When your speech is about one person, who colored your life…
When people start saying to you “ You look different”…
When you become a poet of every minute of your life…

When the whole world pause for your moment, and nothing else matters…
When your Heart keeps recalling one Face… One Cough… One Skin… One Figure… Who is You!!!

I’ve been “Reframed”  in a way old “State” of an unknown world was shaken and led to unvisited world before…

The “Context”  is New!
The “Sensory” were not belong to me…
I’ve been “NLPed”  in a whole person producing a …..
“ Lover”

In hope I start my day!
Holding “Hope” with my spirit trying to find meaning to what I’m doing!

Breathes are counted!
Sleeps are restless!
Words became homeless!
Pain became meaningless!

And

Death became the Theme!
Pale colors are painted!
Brain in comma!
Guts is drained!
Love is Running away!

First Hours of hope had counted down!!

How on earth my "Love" landed with "The Poker Face"!
Every details of her glowing eyes speak freedom, was seen!
Every vibes of her little smile and shielded words were felt and touched...
Every unclear fear was wonder in her tone!
Every concealed happiness is breathed!
                              How on Earth she is a
                                 "The Poker Face"
How on earth I felt safe with her with her hug!
How on earth I found the lost self with her!
How on earth I'm breathing from my soul, when I'm with her!
                            Unless I'm still Dead and I'm in Dying Process!
                                                   Then
                                      It makes sense!
22-11-2015

Fly Away!......I looked through their eyes with fear...
It is your time to show who you are!...I hold my tear with lost inside my soul!
I'll do it!..my voice proceed faster than my mind!
You will see!....my lips uttered those words and my mind still perplexed!
What would I show you! that is my question that freak me out!
I can't find the answer that calm my worries!
I don't know anymore The Real Me!
I'm still searching eagerly for Who I Am!
Where .....I have to .... Fly Away!

When kisses are wasted on someone you don't know!
When lips are united in the unfair moments of life!
When the Eager is burning your virginity!
When you end up ultimately alone in freezing bed!
When your beauty is no more than a represent from Medieval age!
Your belongings are no more than lethal rage that is blowing inside you!  
Hugging her, sensing the fragility between your rough hands!
Wondering... of A moment of happiness that lead to another visit to a hell of unrevealed emotions!
Wondering.... of what favour I'm doing to that child's feelings!
Becoming the atheist... who is losing the blesses of heaven!
She looked throughout a torn soul with unspoken words!...
"Say it" .....I said!
"I forgot the world with you!...I'm not worried"!
What a Blame i would receive from my burdened heart!
                                       What a Waste!!!!!

I saw it in me! I saw it in my silence! I saw it in my dream!
I saw every minute telling me to leave!
I have to leave! But where to? That I didn’t know!
Just walk away…walk and other things will fall into its places! Don’t be afraid!
Don’t be scared!
Don’t be skeptical!
Don’t wait for that thing to happen!
Don’t wait for that change, that you are longing for!
Don’t wait to be a stranger again!
It is just a label! You are a stranger even in your enoughness…
In your fullness…
In your wholebeing…
Just take that Leave…and be …
The Leave!

I keep asking myself this question!
Am I living a scam called love!
I Kept asking myself, am I right to have my emotions out of my Chest!
Is it worthy to breath the fresh air out there!
Is it right to tell the girl " I love you!"...
Does she exist for that moment!
I can't see her face there!
She is a fancy that I don't want to get in love with!
She is not the love I'm looking for anymore!
I don't know who is she anymore!
Farewell to her chapter in my book!
Let someone else comes and writes another episode in this strange epic!
Merry Christmas:)

In my dark and silent room, Sleeping on the edge of my bed!
Staring outside my window and Sleeping on my side, turning back to the rest of king size bed!
Feeling i'm turning back to the world!
What else I'm turning my back from?
what is the cost of keeping silence and darkness  the component of my themes?
A point worth to ponder about!

I found those papers in my drawers!
Knowing my own words, would make it easy to feel their belonging to me!
Tried to paint the landscape I dreamt of…
Tried to place my hope of joy and peace in its corner…
I can’t find my true color…
I can’t find the details that speaks me…
I realized I have  a picture of my world painted by others colors…
I realized I don’t own that painting

23-10-2018

With her I lose my compass!
I Lose sensing myself...
I lose my words of logic...
I lose all my directions...
I lose my moment of peace...
With her losing is the trophy, where authenticity is gained!
with her my daydreams became reality!
All those losses became the power I was missing!
The Power of Heart, who was in ICU heading to death!
The Lost Love, who give up the hope to rest!
With her absence, like a tiny sparking star in the sky!
I became myself again!

She laid her head on his shoulder, in peace and in silence she surrendered to the fountain of Love!
She shared that smile in silent looking to his eyes, telling him. "My life with you is the world I was dreaming of"...
she let those terms go away i the silence...
She believed...She has the faith... She stayed telling him " No matter how bad it is... Or how bad it gets" ...
I have what I need
I have what makes me live and survive
I have "You"
He said....
"Me" is "you"!

She trusted me... She filled with her smile and laughters the world of silence and mystery...
I forgot who I am... I forgot my anger.. my pain..my loneliness..
I felt I am Alive... I felt I am the world Savier...
I am the mystery with beautiful eyes...
I am the castle with warmth...
I am the safe heart that hold you to your edge...
I am who you need!
I am looking for who is me!
I am Loa Ma!

Who you Trust!
On the Ladder of life, your steps are counted..
On the Ladder of life, you will question all your beliefs and your being alive!
Nobody is there except that voices of who love you!
The voices that will be there always as your voice will be for them!
You are fully worth of every step in your life!
You always trying your best because your life means a lot to you!
You always keep trying although you fail a lot!
You always keep that hope lightening inside you!
You always have that "Meaning" that you are the one that will clear "Uncertainty" and light the Way! 7-9-2016

When you are sharing your plate with yourself.....
When you are alone,  eating no spoon is shared with someone you care about!
When you are waiting for that smile, when you get that bite from her share!
When you loOK and you find the chair next to you..... empty!
Then you realise you miss something!
You ask..... what am missing!
                            A question with no answer on the horizon!

Tried to connect with my breath and I found you there!
Tried to close my eyes and meditate and saw your face with that crazy smile!
Holding my billow I remember when we hug each other saying goodbye!
                            I realized......  
                       How fragile I am!
                    I realized she is......my Universe!!!

I miss you in today's night!
The first time I realized the night without you is dark!
I can't tell  you "I miss you"!
I can't tell you how the day was!
I'll keep my words away from you, till you wake up in the morning!
Till my day becomes Night!

Does love exist!
                                  Is it a fancy....
                   Is it only found in mythology!

                                    With her.....
                                       Love
         Like the kiss between Arwen and Aragon

                                    With her.....
                                       People
         Labeled me the lover.....However I'm in reality
                                    I'm a friend!
                              What is my crime!

All over the years I lived...
Throughout things I've experienced...
I concluded that nights are the only companion to contract with...
I want to stop reading the lines of my life...
I don't want to live the predicted life...
I don't want my lines to go out of my books...
I want to sleep without waking up for anything...
                           "I can't stop thinking of her"
Recalling her last image and voice like making love at Celestial level!
Making love with pain in soul!
23-11-2015

I want to melt into a heart , to silently look someone in the eyes and say I dun wanna run anymore , and they know that..I want to feel safe and taken care of, to feel warmth and fulfillment!

I want to dissolve into the arms of success, without feeling the pain from the strength of the hug!

I want to fall in love and fall all over again with a best friend!

With a truly enjoyable company of a supporter , a backbone!

Like a small kitten I'd run and hide in the lap of my friend!

I might be a stranger for you!
I might be a freak for you!
My words are a fountain of mystery!
My feelings are untouched! and they are looking for harbour to rest!
The core burning the soul, and leaving me doomed in nowhere!
I might be angry!
I might be resenting!
I've dismissed everything in my life, but I didn't dismissed you!
You paid your dues because of others, but I paid your!
Are we friends!.... can't see except that we are rivals and about what i'm not sure!  
I don't know what makes you scared of me!
Something died with you, and I won't fall in love with you again!
Did you hear a soul came back to body after death? I didn't!
I look back only to say.....
                                  Sorry
I have a path to take!
Pinky promise under the eyes of heaven made!
Later, I felt my only pinky finger was giving the pledge!
I can't see your there! and so.... I am
                                  Sorry

I didn’t choose you for your color….
I didn’t choose you for your brain…
I didn’t choose you for your wealth…
I didn’t know…
I will meet you in such kind of path…
I will share my passion in this life
I will find myself with yours…
I don’t know…
What life is brining for us…
Where our feet are taking us…
How we will keep meeting…
What I know…
I’ve chosen a heart that talked with mine in a different language than others…
The blessings are in us and I am HAP (Hippo and Proud).

30-6-2017

What would "Explode" looks like? Interesting to know!
Would "Explode" by my signature...
How would "Explode' be seen!..
How would "the discussion between heart and spirt" be perceived!
Hallucination... Maybe!
Rebelion... Could be!
Depression... What the Hell!
Lonely Nights... It doesn't matter!
All those might be seen, but I was not seen!
The real me was still not seen!
The Real Bleeding of Soul and honest heart!
I would love her and tell the whole world!
I would be Crazy...
I would be Messy...
I would be whatever they think...
                               But
I won't harm my heart anymore..
I won't go through silent heart....
I won't go through human contexts of what is right or wrong!
I won't "explode"...
                          I am simply alive...
                          Simply Breathing...
21-11-2015

I love you
That what Fills me with Faith
I love you
That what makes me stay optimistic
I love you
That what makes the war i live peace!
I love you
That What makes your words a lullaby!
I love you
That what makes things worth to fight for
I love you
That what makes life has a meaning
I won't give up on you, that what makes your love makes the life I'm living be with a bless filling my soul!!!

I'm lost with and without you!
And I'm asking myself..... what about me!
The Hell became my Castle!
Devils are my chatters!
The funny that they will be lost as well...
What is more funniest...
They will still be chatters with me in the...
                                           The wonder! :)

silence with those who are on roads…
their souls are somewhere lost in places that hard to reach!
My Love… has no faith in those roads declaring Why?
I didn’t ask her for anything, I asked her to be with me…
I didn’t ask her to change, i asked her to be with me…
I didn’t ask her to worship me, i asked her to be with me…
i didn’t ask her to change her beliefs, i asked her to be with me…
i didn’t ask her nothing…
I just asked her not to walk away!
My world is burning, but I want nothing except her smile…
I asked her to be my partner in discovery and not to commit to me!
I asked her to feel safe with me since i was wounded by others for hundred of times and i know the feel…
I asked her to sit with me, as I am a stranger of my own!
I asked her to give me her trust, not to **** her dreams
I asked her to dream with me, not for me…
I asked her to cry with me, not because of me….
I asked her to love with me, not to be obliged to love…
I asked her to be Herself!
To be….!!

I still be the fountain of Peace and Trust....
My Garden is open for others... Open without noticing I'm the owner!
I felt their eager, their pain and I took it so deeply inside me and gave them peace in return...
Gave them "Love" out of fable imagination...
I gave with being hurt unintentionally...
I gave with the blessing of a spirit lost in the human world!
I gave piece of me!

I have those voices inside me to hold on you!
Those Voice to keep faith of my feeling in what I can't see in front of me!
In keeping those kindles of passion ignited!

The Norms of Human... Life...Logic... are haunting my tired eyes with ill thoughts seducing me to close my eyes!... to turn my soul to places of silence, places of white papers without words....!

I'm becoming Part of Nothing!!!....Except... Part of the World of You!

If I can take the pain and talk to him!
If I can look into his eyes and tell him, how difficult to have him deep inside!
If I can touch his Coldness, and tell him how he is indifferent!
                        I wish I can give him back the piece he is leaving in me!
                        I  wish if he can Listen!
                                 I still wish I can!

Folding her legs and sitting gently on sand afraid of hurting sands under her...
Like a gentle breathe on those dunes... dancing gracefully in silence...
Looking at her silence, like a story of a longing to peace is prevailing...
Looking at her silence, ****** me to dwell in the untold story...
Eager to know where the deep will reach inside her...
I will sit with her, listening to her story, but would she trust me...
Would she feel safe with me...
I can keep writing about her till my ink ends... But do i have the right?
A question that even life couldn't answer!

I lost her!
I lost everything belongs to her!
I lost all things that came back from the lost abyss...
I didn't look back to what I felt on that road with her...
Fierce fire was burning my wrecked castle...
Vicious Demons hovering around asking for instruction...
Ruthless Death is smelled all over the palace...
Rude Coldness was hitting my bones, taking away all my nerves...

I hit the road to nowhere, hoping that never ends..
I hit the road, hoping would end into other world...
I hit the road, hoping I would leave myself locked in that Palace...
I hit the road, running away from the annihilation happened inside me...
I hit the road, with question...

                   What possible for me out of "Love"?
23-11-2015

If I have no place to sleep, then where to go?
If all places are clod, what the point of sleeping?
If "Go" is not a direction, then will I end into nowhere?
All my sleeps where with no sense...
Sleeping in spot and my soul searching for its place!
I'm not afraid!
I'm not anymore belong to those boundaries....
I need peace within me, for me!
I long for the hope i felt in love... I long to walk in my road, with happiness...
My dictionary has no "Go" and no "Sleep"!

I thought something died!
I thought my heart went in a coma!
I thought my skin are frozen!
I thought my feelings were in control!
                   I don't know what happened...
Should I go for the internal process and disappear?
Should I tell her I fail whenever things are around her?
Should I go literally for a coma in my feelings and emotions and **** the spirit inside me!
                      All that for the sake of the.....
                            Funny love! :)

Leaving my solitary wandering in a world unknown to me…
Leaving my castle, and keeping my secrets locked there…
Leaving my shelter and shielding my soul with thousands of armors…
Leaving my serenity, looking to what is missing back there…

All those years…
I thought I was right!
All Those years..
I felt I was in peace!
All those years…
I sensed I was wise!

But

After All those years, I realized I was Alone!
After being the prince of that castle for all those years, I found that love was not in every corner of that palace!



Loneliness became my companion in that drifting!
Mystery was the scarf wrapping my whole being!
Fear was the pain endured in the wilderness!
It is a journey of an old spirit that didn’t rest!

I passed by a garden not covered by my sight…
I smelled every smell was not known to me…
I saw the blossom of each flower…
I touched every leaves and stems in secret…

Bunches of roses called secretly… Invited me unintentionally to rest…to live…to love.

All those years wiped out…
All those years became meaningless…
I’ve been fulfilled, transformed roughly with them, unable to leave…
The eager is to stay, but the love I met took me to places where I found something beyond the boundaries of human!!

Stranger in the wilderness surrounded with their aroma!
The bless is there touching deeply and leaving you with everlasting scar that won’t cure

I die to be unpacked!
So eager to be taken somewhere to be recreated differently!
Don't want that!
Resenting all my feelings!
My emotions!
Heart!
Butterfly in stomach!
Welling to be taken away freely without regret!
Loneliness is my fear!

There sitting with my papers alone!
Watching them begging me to write!
I have nothing!
All my belongings of feelings went somewhere to mystery places!
I'm sorry, I can't help it to stop my lost!
Demons are moving around me eager to sit with me!
Eager to sit with old friend!
Eager to shake cold hands!
But they don't know!
I left my body and wondering in lost island!
They don't know!
It is Empty!

I don´t know who invited me here!
I don´t know what message I´ll be recieving in coming days here!
I know nothing except I lost the language I know I became Plain!
I became somewhere lost in space of nature and creatures living their own  lives!
I doubted my knowedge!
I questioned my beliefs!
I despute what I´ve recieved throughout those years!
Being with Nature is the bless that my spirit is longing to!
In silence with Nature I can find more words than with human!
In Silence with Nature I connected to my heart!
In Silence I felt the strangeness I have around me!
I thanked heaven for who I am!
I thanked for being Me!

I hate my feelings...
I hate my words...
I hate my pen...
I wish not to hold it and taint my papers....
I wish Death be my true friend, where everything allied against me...
I declared Love, I declared things were true and all that were thrown in ingratitude  waste!
                            I hate being awaken again!
                                     I just want to sleep
                                              In peace!