I don't want to see your name anymore
I hate the way it sounds in my mind
also when it comes out of my mouth
so stop filling up my Facebook's news
feed

Stop poking me and sending me things
on other social medias
Stop texting my now broken phone
and maybe just maybe- leave me alone
I'm so sick of being reminded of the
girl who once went by NotTsundere
the girl that I've kicked out and have
forced to hide
She's already said goodbye
so now it's time for you to.

I'm here for all of you people that are feeling just as tired and exhausted from the saddening madness that I am always getting slapped in the face with. **I am here for you.

Isn't it sad
when the only person
you want to be near is
half way across the country
and they're tired of waiting
so they decide to come see
you because they'll be a tad
bit closer to you but you have
to go away on that particular day..
so now it's all over no more
I love you, goodnights..
"but I hope you're sleeping tight.."
no.. it's some kind of not-so-harsh
goodbye.. it's not beautiful either
it's a heart breaking kind of pain that
stays in a range of months to days.
So don't tell me you hope that I'm okay..
because I'm not going to be
not without you.

Picture an anti-social pessimist
who fears her own existence
should probably get a therapist
but that's just not in her element.
always has a Nemesis
She wants to be affectionate
but she feels unwanted;
desolate.

I can't take this anymore
stress is consuming me
I'm now on the floor
crying uncontrollably
because of all of you.
I no longer have room
for anyone who isn't
willing to try
Willing to try to stay
by my side
if you don't want me
in your life
then get the **** out of mine
Because I'm done.

Is it so bad.. that I just want to hold your hand? I want to pull you in and try to help you understand this isn't a ******* game, okay? You're either in or out there's no way around this yes or no question and if I keep thinking this way I might just go insane. I want you all to myself.. I've never felt this way please just tell me you're going to stay.. Until this pain subsides I'm going away to hide dreams may not be the best place to disappear to but it's the only place where I can see you. I'm sorry for being so paranoid. I guess this is what happens, when people find something they don't want to lose.

You're so ******* perfect
in every way I can imagine
I just want to feel you beside
my empty self.

I want to help you see that
there could never be anyone
else who could possibly
complete me

the shaken when in public-
full of unwanted angst and
hatred-
too afraid to step out the door
and live-
girl that just wants to take that
step with you..

She somehow finds love and
comfort inside of that silly
smile that appears on a face
that just so happens to be yours

she wants to tell you that she
plans to stay put, beside you.
she doesn't want anybody else.
Because she is completed,
finally not tangled in sadness daily
let me tell you, she was glad to throw
that paper away..

*It's thanks to a tall boy who has a
laugh that makes her heart flutter
in a way she didn't know it could.

You don't know how it feels
to find out there's someone else
and not be able to do anything
to prevent the feelings that will
follow up and eventually take
that one special person that
makes everything okay away
from you..

I'm getting hyped up on caffiene
and ignoring my problems just
kind of trying to forget about
everything that has happened
and everything that will.

I'm tired of feeling neglected
and turning my head away-
pretending that what you've
been saying hasn't made me
want to just set mysef on fire
and ignore my true desires.

I'm sick of running up into
my bedroom to escape inside
of my virtual worlds to ignore
the lectures my parents have
been screaming to me.

I'm so fed up with the fights
my best friend and I get into
they're pointless and make
me want to turn away but
I truly cannot because she
means too much to me.

I'm saddened and physically
effected by the way I think
and feel about myself. I'm
pretty sure if everyone
somewhat enhanced the way
they acted towards me I'd
simply crack. Shatter. Fall
to the floor in my own tears.
Because I do not deserve
such greatness nor do I
deserve the hate that I've
been recieving.

But maybe they'd be better off
if that were to happen, they
wouldn't have me around to
complain and dump my feelings
everywhere from the drain that
is my mind

The only person that I really
want to stay around for is
someone who I really adore
he is everything to me and
more, in fact I dream about
him a lot which is just lovely
like the smile that he shows
to me in pictures that I hope
will sooner or later become
mine, his, our reality.
He's amazing.

I want to push you out of me
I don't want to need you the
way that I seem to.
But you've always been there
so it's kind of hard to do.
Honestly I just want the best
for you
So I'll disappear into the dark
I'm a wanderess already,
never sick of the rain that's
flooding me.

Maybe the majority of your malice march is fueled with fire;
fictionalized by myself. Simply because my greatest desire is
currently to avoid knowing that you long to hurt me. Dear, let
me tell you this; **I know everything.

I wish the storm would hit already
I have prepared my mind for the
upcoming tears; my bed is ready
for the unsteady mentality that I'll
be faced to deal with once you're
gone. It's hard to accept that this
is my reality; waiting for you to
realise that I'm not worth paying
attention to- not worth wasting
the warmth of your love on.
I honestly don't want to sit in this
waiting room any longer the sad
thought of you leaving me- is a
thought that I cannot handle,
and I know that soon with this
struggle I will call you at least a
billion times but hang up before
you can answer simply because
I miss you but know you're
entertained with other things;
other people. I am not a constant
need in your life, you'd be just
fine without me but without you
I am unhappy; I am wilting.
My tactless talent to treat the ones
that I truly love has acted once
again after all if I wasn't as sad
I wouldn't be writing these
withering words when I'm
well aware that you love me.

Grab me by my wrist and so tightly; I want you to pull me back into your life don't shut me out again please don't make me beg for your attention I just want to be held in your deepest comprehension.
All I know is I love you too much to not act out when you say you're going away I cannot bare to watch your shoulders as you turn around and walk the other way- the way that's away from me. An opposite direction that is in more than one way heart breaking do I really not mean anything at all to you? Is it so easy to turn around as the tears fill up my eyes and start to slip from my eyelids, is it really that easy- for you to say goodbye..

*If you were to ever really scatter I would probably shatter, please don't say goodbye.. anytime soon.

Honestly I am so done with your ****
*               I need help, won't you do this?
This time no, I don't think that I will
I'm tired of trying to do a good deed
just for you and it comes right back-
freezing my heart some worn out
number below zero degrees. I'm
so tired of trying to be there for you
always 100 percent and you just not
seeing it. you made me go from types
of sublime to forms of somber. You
were never really-TRULY-there for
me I now can remember that, simply.
This is my goodbye, don't contact me
again in this life.

You describe me as a sunflower that was planted beneath a bee hive
I suppose you just are unaware of my aching need to hide
but my personality makes me seem closer to some kind of ****;
I am lazy and tend to hide,
I often wilt when hurt; I subside.
I try my best to not attract attention
Do you understand yet; what I'm venting?
When people get too close to me I tend to *****
if I feel the need. You might bleed; I stress so much-
stay away from me.. I just don't want anyone to be hurt.
Just try to understand that I'm not a flower and if I am I'm off
somewhere in the middle of no where, waiting to be picked.

I close my curtains once the sun comes up
I ignore the light and keep myself closed off.
I'm sick of the brightness when I'm in such
a dark place
Does no one understand, they should go away?
The darkness is soothing, but also leaves me
with a wanting; some special kind of craving
it nags at me even when I'm safely sleeping
Which should be a place where it leaves me
but sadly there is no such place
**It always finds me.

It looks like we're gonna see the sun rise again this morning I can't help but wonder if you noticed as well that we will see the colors within the sky swell. The last time I saw it I was reminded of The Lion King it's so interesting the way the little things can get to me I wanted to watch it rise for a longer amount of time than I really had in fact; it makes me kind of sad that I didn't. And now my sleeping schedule is all out of wack wow, Rebecca. Why'd you do that? I just couldn't help it, don't you want to see the ocean of colors in the sky as well? I can't stop myself from picturing diving into the sky, I never learnt how to swim but I trust I'd only cause splashing to emerge from the happiness that these colors fill me with- I'd like to believe they'd hold me. **I won't drown.

I used to long for your arms around me
now all I long for is paper to place poetry
that I've written about you and nothings
that I wish would become somethings.
But that's somehow too much to ask for
I suppose it's more than I can really afford,
a longing for you.

Because of you,*
my favorite shades of blue are now ugly.
Everything that you ever told me is now
some form of anxiety I don't want to hear
sometimes I wish you'd just disappear..

Misunderstandings
can be such a threat.
Broken hearted girl
why'd you think like that?
Now your tears will overflow
"Life can be such overdose.."
You should shove it
all behind you, I suppose.
Stop wishing to fall into a
comatose.
Just hit your head already.
No one will miss you
you're too unsteady.

Losing people,
for me,
is a constant cycle.
No one ever sticks
I never knew it'd
end like this.

I'm sorry* are just two words you can say
but as she says them she releases her prey
picks up a knife, reopens her scars and bleeds out her life.
As she's bleeding she drops the weaponry and mumbles *Goodnight.

There's a hole in my ceiling
the roof caved in a bit
There's a hole in my ceiling
dust keeps falling in
There's a hole in my ceiling
I have to turn off my fan
There's a hole in my ceiling
I wish there wasn't
There's a hole in my ceiling
here's where it gets personal
There's a hole in my ceiling
it was definetly not optional
There's a hole in my ceiling
maybe it's telling me something
There's a hole in my ceiling
what if it had fell in on me?
There's a hole in my ceiling
and it's got me thinking
There's a hole in my ceiling
bigger than the one in my heart
There's a hole in my ceiling.
where's the button? I need to restart...

Being in love can be such a pain
I know what you're going through
and I have to say that I'm truly sorry
being so far away from your partner
can be so agitating..
But you have to remember what will come next
when you're finally together things will be fixed
the love you've been storing away just for them,
you'll finally be able to let out and give.
So just hold on a little longer, okay?

Sitting at the table with these people who claim they're my family
We're not complete right now there are people who're missing
I don't want to be near any of you so please leave me
You all have hurt me so many times in fact too many
Anxiety is real if you don't know that then you can't know me,
So stop pretending and let me carry on my plan of  not existing.

Curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor I never could've imagined myself putting on such a per-form-ance.
Tears smothering my face as I hide it beneath my own hands I'm blinded, no one truly will ever understand my feelings and that kills me for some unpleasant reason to be understood is what I'm needing.
Tell me why are we humans so arrogant and selfish at times? In the end we all do what we truly want there is no one out there who surrenders for love not even the most dedicated of love birds would do such an exquisite task. Because truthfully we're all wearing a mask.
*or at least that's what we want you to believe.

What am I afraid of?
Here is some sort of list,
I'm afraid of snakes, bugs, bats, birds, and nearly anything that can fly!
Those aren't the only things I'm afraid of that are also alive though.
I'm afraid of horses, piranhas, elephants and heights
Pregnancy, loud noises, hospitals and walking outside alone at night.
I could probably go on and on with this list because fear is somewhat infinite and I will
I'm afraid of loud noises, being left behind and the germs of childhood friends and others who could've smothered them on my pillow from drooling at night
I'm afraid of school, females, males, and people in general. Failing. Falling. Drowning and death. Who knew there could be so many things haunting me?
****. Bridges that are taller than me, being lied to, aging, and foods that are too spicy.. It may sound childish, just stay away from me if you're eating spicy calamari..


Did you think I was done? Because I've only just begun..
I'm afraid of situations, such as when people distance themselves from me too quickly. It ties into my fear of being left behind,
Don't abandon me.
I'm afraid of my mom, needles, parties and more it's mostly because of past experience, but I'll leave out the gore..

You could find someone better, trust me I'm someone who hides their feelings beneath their sweaters I'm a distanced person who spaces out even in the moments that are most important. My anxiety keeps me from saying the things that I want to blurt out so badly but cannot because of the words that others will slap down on me. Trust me I'm not someone to stand beside. Toxicity engulfs me often I'm barely pushing through this sticky path that was created out of hate my anxiety is always entertained do you not understand the pain that these people have caused me to feel!?
Insane.
I always thought I was, because my thoughts often turned from happy to horrific once something bad had been said, well what did you expect?! For me to be perfectly happy afterwords and forgive you as if you had never meant the words that twisted and slurred around in my mind, ******* it's about time you learned your place bullying is not something that can be accepted so easily so stop doing it for ***** sake I cannot begin to describe the way I hated myself for so long! I'm damaged even now from back then and it's been so long! I know you don't give not one single ****. It's depressing really, how empty I had and have felt because of you..
Let me try to define this kind of pain for you since I know you'd never be able to handle the things that went through my mind after what you had caused me to feel. You see I have always been trapped inside of a shell, even when I was very young I was shy but you made it a point to deny it's all in my mind you said to me a billion times but did you know that I was dreaming of dying, drowning, suffocating, nearly injuring myself as the tears would fall down. I was a suicidal case thanks to the things people had forced me to endure you thought it was funny but would you still if you knew how violent I had become towards myself?!
Just try to imagine now, you have a child and will probably have more what will you say to them when they come rushing in through the door, their angering tears slapping down against the floorboards as if they were raindrops will you let them know you were not a victim!? I bet you will lie and tell them something to confide in I hope for their sake you do because if I knew that my parents caused others to feel such ways well ******* I bet I'd have went insane knowing I was living in the same house as a perpetrator. *How could you do that, mother!?

I'm sinking under the waters surface
In some sort of helpless hoping
that they'll entangle me inside
of their electric lace curtains,
Won't you engulf me?
Swallow me whole and
electrocute me.

Maybe then I'll wake up as one of you.
Sinking for completely different reasons
flowing gracefully, seeking out prey.
Let me explore with you...

Nose pressed to the glass
I'm smiling brightly
as you grasp my hand
My other hand reaches up
and touches the tanks coldness.
Aren't they beautiful?
I lovingly exclaim-
Squeezing your hand excitedly.
Lets come here again, okay?

He is a Fried Egg Jellyfish,
nonetheless he was ignorant
Always pushing things on me
He never considered feelings
Like the Phacellophora camtschatica
his sting is rather weak.
But that doesn't seem to explain
why it took me so long to see
that he was only after one thing.
-
She is a Pacific Sea Nettle
Glowing; always and forever.
I embrace her light even when
I'm feeling smothered.
She is amazing in many ways
But could become dangerous
in a matter of days.
Just like the Chrysaora fuscescens,
She is made of many colors.
Which is why I can't stop looking at her.
-
He is a Purple Striped Jelly
One of the most painful out of these
Oh sweet, Chrysaora colorata,
he truly stung me.
So beautiful inside and out
I should've looked but never touched
I just wanted to be his cancer crab,
but I never was one..
I was the ocean sunfish biting back.
-
He is a Golden Jellyfish
Beautifully mysterious as always
I want to dive straight into him
As I would the lake that the smack lives in.
Very similar to the lake
he is full of golden aspects
that I long to intake.
He hasn't stung me yet,
So why should I ponder mistakes?
He'll always be stuck inside of my head.

Pink and said to be mean
Your tentacles tend to scare me
You're often alone, are you lonely?
Drymonema larsoni... don't worry
We can be friends, just don't sting me..

Native to the Mediterranean, Caribbean, and The Gulf of Mexico..
Searching for Moon Jellies and feasting once they're found
They wrap their tentacles around- them and drag them in
What a cruel fate? you may think that but we do the same thing.

Would you still go to the aquarium with me?
I don't want things between us to be so empty.
But I'm afraid they'll stay this way
Tell me I'm dreaming, we'll be okay?
I don't want you to *leave
**Are you understanding me?

She lives in her room
In front of a screen
Always talking to you
She screams talk to me

You hate leaving her alone
But people call for you to
answer the phone
If only you could be beside her

Always, you want to stay near
Because you're well aware that
behind the screen she fears
you'll be taken away

Further than distance can convey
Little does she know you live the same way.

I don't want to..
You're everything that I want..
So perfect, but at the same time, not.
Am I going crazy? Please don't give up on me.
I'll do anything to show you, how much you shine..
                                             *Inside of this torn heart of mine.