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Ike Sep 25
I hate myself so deeply for everything I've done
I am forty ******* years old and I CAN'T go back on ANY OF IT.
I can tell you with sound mind
If it weren't for the ones that really love me
And remind me on a regular basis
This conversation would have stopped abruptly after high school.

I'm a sub being I'm a snowflake blah blah blah
Waste of time and taxpayers money
I am a scar and a stupid story that has only
Itself to blame
But here I am.
In your god ****** face.
And your mind.
And your heart.
Etched into the very day you die
With my stupid words and blahologies
And my annoying *******
You hate me?
Look at what I just said about me.

I'll probably die before you
Take solace in that
Have fun with the rest of the ****.
Shea Jun 27
A family friend recently
Gave me a Pillow
That I thought was so comfy.
She said "Please get this **** thing
Off my couch."
And I proudly accepted.
I brought it home, cuddled
Put my face to it's round corner
And breathed.
The smell this pillow Gave wasn't too Familiar, no.
It smelled like family movie nights,
Eating at dinner tables.
It smelled like missing a sibling,
But knowing they'll be home when you get there.
It smelled like affection from a tired mother, And falling asleep on her chest.
The smell, not so familiar
Sent me chills
Because the round corners smelled like Everything I crave.
The soft, tender touch of a hand,
And knowing it's not of judging intent.
The smells upon this pillow
Reminding me that
I don't have a way to satisfy my
I am currently cuddling a shirt of someone's I love. I am very sad.
Lost Jun 24
Too numb to cry
Too afraid to die
Too lazy to live
Too poor to give
Too young to know
Too old grow
It may sound jaded
These words I write
But hope is overrated
And I can’t seem to fake it
Deep down you know I’m right
Listening to Chameleon World by Jerry Paper and writing. Trying to shake the bad vibes a movie I watched before bed gave me. I hope everybody is well, feeling loved, in good health, and taking time to indulge in creativity.

Always remember that this too shall pass.

Goodnight :)
Shea May 24
Does the sun shine after the rain?
Shea May 16
I want to,
But I won't.
I need a
Little smoke
But I won't
Cause gettin' it
Means getting up
And once I'm up
My world just flips
Right back down
As I fall too
Into a thousand curtains
Hiding me from what
I want to see
A window where
It's warm outside
But pressing my cheek against
The fabric seems to be enough
I've got to run
But I walk
And the talk of something new
Brings hope for something worse
And confidential lullabies
Sing me to sleep tonight
I'll call you on the phone and say
"I'm good, what about you?"
And you'll say "Good"
And we'll talk for hours repeating same lines
And avoiding the part where you tell me
You are driving to clear your mind
Cause bruises stay sore
And you never tell me anything anymore
CL Fjell May 13
The bucket fills with soft emotion
It starts with small amounts
The faucet does keep flowing
Til is spills onto the mouth
"I like you"
Shea Apr 27
The birds fall from the sky.
My eyes are dry.
The buildings collapse on top of me.
My eyes are dry.
I realize I cannot cry.
My eyes remain dry.
I let out a sigh.
Still, my eyes are dry.
I realize you're going to die.
My eyes want to, but they cannot cry.
How is everyone doing today?
Shea Apr 26
I lay on you, and breathe in the smell
Of your hair, feel the small vibrations
Of your laugh resonating the soft felt pews.
I tell myself I will remember this forever,
So when I miss you, I can still feel you.
The mood grows serious,
The vibrations of your voice shrink down
To a whisper, and crumble
Like rocks beneath a hammer.
"When I die," you say,
Fleeing every so called good feeling felt
Away from this place.
"You're going to get bear,
But I can't tell you what you're getting yet."
She tells us.
The only ones here who know.
You told me yesterday, yes you did.
I smiled, I cried, I cussed at God,
I cried again, I bargained,
But I still did not accept.
I smiled and told you it would be okay.
But I think I know deep down inside
That you know deep inside
It might not be okay.
It came back. It's here, in this room,
Inside you.
And I keep making up scenarios where
Someone has asked me
"Would you do this thing if it meant she lived?"
And I always say yes no matter how
****** up the action may be.
Maybe this is the bargaining.
You're not dead yet, but ****
It feels like it.
It will be years.
I'm sure of it.
But I'm just so scared, babe.
I'm so scared.
No one so young should be labeled
With an expiration date,
A summarization of how long their life
Will be.
No one.
Shea Apr 24
And as the room begins to brighten
I'm enlightened by a soft touch
of bones easily dislocatable
And sensitive to touch
And even though those bones slip
From their holes
The floor holds them before me
So delicate and worn
I've sworn that I'll swallow my disease
Digest it, spit it up before you have
To see it acting up
But today was different
You watched my ears close and head shake
With blood down my nose
Sweat on my clothes
From holding it back.
I'm sorry you had to see it
See it act up.
Shea Apr 9
How does one
Get up fast
Lick his wounds
And wear a mask?

Let me tell you son
If you've lived,
Long as I,
You will find that
Life has tried
To divide.
I have lied and begged
For less
And he has sent all but one

He sent more!
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