An old enemy turned into clarity.
In the silence I hear my truth.
The winds carry my voice,
from lifetimes ago.
Eternal.
Ancient wisdom purifies my soul.
I now choose to listen.

Beyond the noice, I hear life.

Dimples, creations of joy and laugher.

My wrinkles tell stories of childish fun and games.

A forced smile, a see-through facade.

My cold eyes tell a different story.

One lie can change a hundred truths,
and that lie leads to a hundred more.

A kingdom built with what appeared to be solid rocks, turned out to be just sand.

All blown away when the storm hit.

The storm you created, as an excuse to leave.

Sand running through my fingers, mixed with all the lies.

I'm staring at the big pile of sand that used to be our life.

I dug for weeks, for truth and reasons.

The truth hit harder than the lies.

With time I stopped digging, there's no point.

I already had the truth.

I said my farewells to you in that pile of toxic sand and I left.

To follow a new path, my path.

The one no one's ever walked before me.

I follow my truth on my unknown journey,
I know it'll lead me to my destiny.

I keep walking, to a bright future.

For me.

You could've left, honestly I wouldn't have blamed you.

You could've left, but you didn't.

Instead you drew your sword, fully armoured.

Alongside with me you fought.

Slayed my demons one by one.

When my strenght ran out you held the frontline.

I see you rise and fall, only to rise again.

You fight and you bleed, for me.

My best friend, know that I'm always ready.

Ready to fight for you, I'll slay 'till my last breath.

For you.

I love you my swordsman.

Blinded by disease I lost sight of you.

Your words spoken by the voice of my demon.

I felt your love, though the intentions got twisted.

Your touch, familiar yet foreign.

I'm losing it again, reality.

My mind, a place of dark whispers.

You used to kiss my scars, used to cherish my broken pieces.

You promised to always be there.. to always listen.

Somehow it's changing..

"Honey" is now replaced by my name.

Your voice sounds cold on the phone, "low battery" you said.

I can't deny it, my gut is screaming.

I am losing him.

Left alone,
the way he said my name still echoes in my head.

When did your promises turn fake?

Waves, like hands comforting the dry rocks.

My stone cold heart.

He promised me to always be my wave.

Everytime I'm about to dry out he's there.

Washing away all fear.

When I'm about to suffocate, he changes direction.

Allowing me to breathe.

Exposing me to the sun.

Like clockwork he's there again, soaking me.

Words with you, are overrated.

Your light green eyes, smooth honey to my soul.

Through my spiritual reflection I see your face.

I hear my thoughts narrated, with your voice.

A shivering, and I know it's you.

Our bodies calling for each other.

We connect through silence.

We just know.

It's happening.

It.

Billy from Belfast.

Oh, I wish I could explain what you did to me..

I close my eyes and I can still see us there,
on your tiny balcony.

The silence of our dreams covered by a voice that sings about an unknown future.

The sun dancing on the rooftops.

You are me and I am you, a soul connection out of this world..

A silent minute for our fallen hero, Chester Bennington.
A cheer with Stella.

Tired legs running, empty streets.

Our laughter echoes, a dead bar street.

A lost phone, a search for an open supermarket.

An empty beach, no life guards on duty.

My head on your chest, shared chemistry.

Your lips on my forehead..

Oh, how the morning sun hit your face.

I wish you'd realise how beautiful you are..

I take a sip of your ****** drink, I smile and take your hand.

Sticky salty skin, the heat of the rising sun.

7AM.

Sand in my cup, I see you watching the horizon.

I look at you and I wonder..
Can I have you?

...Billy from Belfast.

Looking back, I miss it.
Life before you.

When not every song was about you.
The days I still believed in foolish love.

The times I thought I knew loneliness,
I thought I knew heartache.

I knew nothing before you...

I've wasted years, trying to numb the pain.

But in the end the same truth hits me.

I'll never feel that type of love again.

And honestly, I don't want to.

You took and I gave, oh I gave too much.

Loving you killed me.

The summer air still smells like you.
Gentle breezes touch my skin with memories of you.

Empty passenger seat,
I wonder how you are.

Your old workplace.
Red light.

Like clockwork you appear..

In the peryphery I see you laughing with a cigarette in your hand.
I hear the voice I used to love, and I smile.

You're the same, yet different.
Thinner than I remember, more handsome than I wished to..

Light turns green.

Nostalgic with an aching heart, I have to leave you behind.

Shadows from the sun cast reflections of us.

Open wide road.

Through an open window I breathe our memories.

I whisper to the gentle breeze, hoping you'll hear it.

"Dias de luta, dias de gloria."

Food line, the air smelled of grilled halloumi.

A pair of light blue jeans and a grey hoodie broke the line.

The bluest eyes I'd ever seen met mine.

Starry sky, subdued bass.

His smile stopped time.

Seconds felt like minutes,
hours felt like years.

Tangled bodies, exploring.

Messy bed, a head on my chest.

Sheets of memories.

A morning of fake promises.

My heart, exposed.

"Left on read.."

I'm back where I started..
..his laughter, a voice I can't ignore.

My heart is pounding.

A feeling in my chest, impossible to deny.
I want him close.

Breathe. Focus.

.. and there he is..

With a smile he touches my neck.
A brief moment of closeness.

He looks into my eyes and I know.

The vibrations in the air shake the ground.

I want it to last, I want more..

But I need it to stop, we both do.

He is fire and I am water.

Her blue eyes meet mine.

Her gaze is firm, she radiates authority, strenght.

Her feet, etched to the ground.
No hurricane, no tornado will move her.

Yet her eyes somehow reveal a soft side.
There's something childish and playful in that smirk of hers.

I wonder who she is.
So familiar, yet unknown.

I envy her.
That strong woman.

Where have I seen her?

I hear a whisper, a voice I recognize.

"Look again".

Like a Phoenix I will rise, again and again.

Cut my wings, **** me even.

But I'll be back.

I will resurrect.

I was never born, I can never die.

Every downfall is oxygen to my already burning flame.

Instead of killing me you're feeding my fire..

..can't you see?

Scrolling through the contact list.
So many names, no one to call.
I'm shaking.
Is it fear or withdrawal?
I don't know the difference anymore.
I've tried to scream, yet no one heard.
Words can no longer describe this feeling.
Alive and free, an invisible prison.

Liquid poison and burning lungs.
Someone, save me from me.

Fresh spring air, whispers of freedom.

The purple sky fills me with hope, new life.

After months in despair I now feel at ease.

I forgive it all.

A choice to release myself from the painful chains.

I watch the key to sadness dissolve in my hands.

I hear the swallows returning home,
while I dream of something new.

With time the distance grew.

Prepared myself for weeks.

Like ripping of a band-aid, it had to be done.

Every breath, every hit on that button felt like a stab to my heart.

I heard your laugh, saw your smile in my head for one last time.

I close my eyes and remember.

I need you to be gone.

Fully and completely.

Keeping you means losing me.

For the last time..

..Delete.

My bed feels empty, but I don't want you in it.
The sheets smell clean, your scent is gone.

Our food is tasteless, but you couldn't change that.

You can't change anything anymore.

I'm desperate to hear your voice in our song,
but no familiar voice sings back to me.

The apartment's filled with echoes of you.

The echoes are killing me, you're gone..
..yet this is what I wished for..

..So why do I feel like you're missing?

Two fences, seperating me from the outside world.
Barbed wire, sharp razorblades.

I have an hour to breathe fresh air.
To get a sense of reality, to feel alive.

Eyes closed, in my mind I'm almost free.
No locks. No guards. No uniforms.

A brief moment. Silence.

And there it is, the sound that has defined me for years.

Keys.

Beach dress soaked from the rain.

Jumping in puddles with flip-flops while we run to the highest peak.

The high waves, the horizon and the brazilian rain.

I felt like one with the world.

The heavy rain cleansed my body from the salty ocean water.

I wish I could stand there forever,
to just watch the powerful nature work it's magic.

So soaked it felt like my whole body was made of water,
I started to shiver from the cold.

We kept running along the filthy streets.

Splashing ***** water at each other like children.

Lips blue from the cold,
yet I felt a strong fire burning inside me,
more intense than I've ever felt.

All I could think about was how beautiful life is,
it's all about moments like these.

So full of life I knew I'd always treasure the memories from this day.

Trying to run in the dark, cold night but my bleeding feet won't allow it.

My face is covered in tears and make-up, my body's shaking in fear.

It's 3AM on New years eve.

I feel so alone and broken.

Why did you let me go?
How could you let me leave?

I chose you once again,
you let me go like too many times before.

Not even a word to show that you care if I'm okey.

I wished for 2019 to show our fate.

It did.

Three hours in, I saw it all so clear.

I'm now letting you go.

The grey area is not for me.

I'm made for bright colours,
colours that you ruin with darkness.

Farewell, my grey area.

I thank you for killing my feelings for you, at last.

My plan was to enter the new year without you in it.

To let midnight's fireworks be a mark of leaving 2018 and you behind.

I can't.

It's still you.

I'll take the risk of bringing you with me to next year.

As my grey area.

I'll leave our fate in the hands of 2019.

Like two yo-yo's we're taking turns on having feelings for one another.

Will we ever meet halfway?

We spin between fear and love, but never at the same time.

The midpoint is within reach.

Yet one rope is streched while the other is wrapped tight.

I hope one day our yo-yo's get tangled so we can live in balance and harmony.

I got the chance to have you one last time.

A wake-up call for the both of us.

A different one though, you felt more.

I felt less.

I needed that one last night to realize.

You're free to go.

The words of not being good enough.
Yet you can't leave me alone.
A game without rules.
So who's winning?
Who's winning when the both of us are losing?

In each others arms for hours.
Memorizing everything, cause this is the last time.
Air filled with grief.
So many tears.
Words of love.
Closer than ever, yet far.
This is our farewell.

I hear your voice from the corridor.

Your laughter triggers my grief, I get so weak.

The voice that once gave me butterflies now feels like a dagger in my chest.

I can no longer hide, time's up.

I have to face you.

I wasn't strong enough to look down and our eyes met.

I felt the space, the universe even, between us.

A cracked glass wall I can't punch through no matter how hard I'd try.

While facing reality the ground beneath me gets blurry.

I'll never get away from you.

The walls I have to build to survive having you around won't be crushable.

Loving you will be my loneliest downfall.

Twenty minutes pass.

We're still in each others arms.

My tears soaking your hoodie.

I hear you gasp for air.

I feel your tears on my skin.

This is it. Our final hug.

As soon as we let go it's over.

No turning back, to what once was..

Is that why we held on so long?

To prolong our ending?

I kissed you for the last time and let go.

For the last time I saw you leave my place.

The door closed, and our relationship with it.

Left are scattered memories and moments.

Our story's over, our time is frozen from now on.

No future, only flashbacks.

Repaint my colours, I beg you.

I was like a rainbow of fresh paint.

Still wet from the brush.

Dancing on rainbow colours.

It's so much darker now.

The paint has dried.

I forgive myself for that weak moment.
When I wanted nothing more than to decieve you, to hurt you.

I forgive myself, cause I didn't.

I forgive you for your lack of words, for your absence.
Cause deep down I know.

I'm sorry that I even have to be sorry..

Can you read me enough to know?
I guess not.

I've worked too ******* this mask to let you..

This mask of strenght.

To you I'm strong, a role model even..

Truth is, I'm weak.
Behind closed doors I'm broken, too broken for life.

I need someone to save me.

Yet no one knows..

Still I hope,
for someone to see the real me.

I've searched so long, for that phenomenon called Happiness.

So busy looking I didn't realize it was right under my nose.

Happiness is buying a stuffed dinosaur for your best friend's newborn.

It is getting to smell the scent of your favourite lip balm you thought you'd lost.

Happiness is knowing that you'll soon get a tight hug from the person you love.

Happiness is knowing that tonight you get to cuddle in your pajama after a hard workout.

Happiness is getting a text that makes you laugh so hard you cry.

Even burning your dinner so you have to start again.
Because you know you have more, that is happiness.

Happiness is singing and dancing along to corny songs thinking about the person who makes your heart flutter.

It's all about the little things, the things that make you tick.

That is the definition of happiness.

It took me so long to open my eyes, to see real happiness.

I'm glad I finally did.

Four months today. Since he became mine.

4 months of peeling each others layers.

Layers of love, layers of conflicts.

Some almost fell off, some were a challenge to even budge.

We fell apart, only to collide once again.

The hard collision brought the toughest layers with it.

And here we are.

4 months later.

Honest, bare and exposed.

Closer than ever before.

No matter how hard our fears tried to stop us,

we can't fight destiny.

There's something about the honesty that shows when there's no way back.

When you scream your heart out for the last time.

Knowing that it doesn't matter anymore, you just go for it.

The need to get it all out.

Hoping that it'll change everything..
yet knowing that it won't.

Crying, knowing we've lost each other, we finally listened.

A lifetime's worth of silence seperating us.

And then it all changed.

It was like the final piece of the puzzle showed on the table.

We both realized what it meant, what it'd take to put it in place.

With shaky hands we made our choice.

A perfect puzzle completed.

How do I ignore the calls from death?
It wants me there.

On the other side of life.

I see my own tears in the mirror.

I feel life leaving my body.

I don't want to be here anymore.

This life isn't for me.

I've fought long enough.
I've always known this is the way I'll go..

Do I finally have the courage?

To leave this all behind, to watch my loved ones from the other side?

If not not, when?
This life isn't for me..

I'm sorry.

Your lips on my forehead, I close my eyes.

I can feel you smile while kissing me.

Your beard is tickling my skin like always.

Your hands search for mine.

I feel myself relaxing, like a drug is kicking in.

The past days fears and insecurities, gone.

No words needed.

We are meant to be, it's clear for the world to see.

No language could express the connection we have.

No matter how much we try to deny it,
it's obvious.

How much we love each other.

I'm totally unprepared for what's to come..

"It's best for us to break up".

A decision neither of us could stand for.

The love is obvious while hearing each other cry in silence for hours.

"We'll talk face to face tomorrow".

Words that can make a day feel like eternity.

I dread, yet long to see him.

The traces of tears from yesterday still shows on my face.

Will tomorrow make them even more visible?

I can't predict the outcome, at all.

Not knowing is draining..

Not knowing if he'll hold me in his arms ever again..

Not knowing if I'll feel his lips against mine again..

Not knowing if he'll ever be my partner again..

Not knowing if he ever was?

I guess my destiny will point me in the right direction.

While standing on tomorrow's crossroads.

So much work and determination for that moment.

Weeks of training, to predict all the opponent's moves.

Tears of frustration, blisters and bruises all over your body.

Looking at others enjoying food you're not allowed to touch.

Running, with a burning feeling in your chest.

All for that moment, those 4 minutes that can change everything.

Judges lined up, blue and red flags in their hands.

The fear of them not raising your color in the end.

The surrounding sounds go away.

Fighting gear on, nodding to you coach's distant words.

The sweat starts running under your helmet, heart's racing fast, the adrenaline kicks in.

The sign is given, it's time.

The mat feels bigger than it looks.

With shaky legs you walk out, to bow for your opponent.

Facing each other, you'll never forget the eyes of your enemy.

The whistle blows, the moment has arrived. It's time to put the weeks of training into action.

One final deep breath.

Fight. Fight for the time you've sacrificed.

Fight with all your might, to earn that medal around your neck.

Cause in that moment it's worth everything.

My grumpy face doesn't stop him from kicking my *** on Street Fighter.

My illogical arguments makes him laugh, he even use them against me.

He laughs at me like I'm an irrational child.

He rolls his eyes at my singing and dancing in the kitchen.

When I refuse to be quiet, he sighs and moans.

Yet,
he holds my hand through movies that scare me.

He tries to keep me warm though he's sweating.

He values my opinion even though he doesn't agree.

He holds me tight, even when he's mad at me.

He cries while laughing at me.

He gives me everyting, even when I don't deserve it.

He is my partner and best friend.

If this isn't love, I don't know what is

As a prisoner of betrayal I still feel the chains around my feet.

Trying so hard to break free.

I need to heal the deep marks in my skin.

I have the man with the key by my side.

He's trying so hard, but the locks are rusty from years in captivity.

Will the locks or the key break first? I wonder.

With my eyes closed I still feel the humid air.
I hear the chaos of a city that never sleeps.

It's been two years.
A place that used to be my home, my future.
My mouth still knows the lyrics to songs in a foreign language.

So much has happened since.

As I sing I come to terms that I'm at peace.
I no longer wish for a life that could've been.

I'm here. I'm safe. I'm happy.

The question marks are gone.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

His eyes wander.
They don't meet mine.

Tension from a fight.

The air is drowning me.
My legs are too weak to run.

Is this the end of us? I thought.
Can we ever survive this?

Deep breath, trying to gain the strength to walk away.

Away from him, from us.

His hand reached for mine.
A sign of peace, the future, of us as one.

Our hands fit perfectly.

And finally our eyes met.
I saw a depth I haven't before.

I saw love.

His texts are shorter.

The replies are few.

Clinical.

I'm now waiting restlessly.

That's new..

The distance feels longer than ever.

No sign of him.

As the minutes pass by my heart sinks.

Is there someone else?

If only I saw this coming..
..maybe the feeling of getting my heart ripped out wouldn't hurt that much.

If only I saw it coming..
..maybe I wouldn't feel this betrayed.

If only I knew..
..I wouldn't have given into fake love.

If only I'd known..
..I would've walked away.

If only..

I wish I knew.

My kisses must be toxic, poisonous.

Starving for love, they **** every chance.

I'm longing for affection, pure love.

I wonder if my eyes give it away.

The fear of being hard to love, toxic.

I lean in.

His lips feels cold on mine.

Am I as good as her?

Or will I never beat her?

How much do I matter?

I can't help myself..

When he looks at me does he think of her?

Wishing she was the one in his arms?

It's a dangerous game I'm playing.

Comparing myself to someone in his story.

Teary eyes, heavy chest.

Burning anxiety, trouble breathing.

Hours feel like days, days feel like years.

He's close, yet so far..

His eyes, so hard to ignore.

My cries to be understood, failing.

Am I asking too much?

A moment alone, and I wonder..

Summer's on it's end, are we too?

Underlying tension in the air.

Is a breakup near or is it just fear?

You're starting to peel my layers, coming closer to the truth..

Can you handle it?

Can I?

I can feel the darkness inside me again.

Fighting so hard to stay in the light where I wanna be.

Even if I can't win this battle,

please don't leave me..