There's a comforting feeling,
seeing that number on my phone,
feeling that panic,
closing my eyes quickly
and making a wish,
that I know won't come true.

I want you to hurt
I want you to miss me
I want you to ache when you hear my name,
and when you see my face,
and when you remember my laugh,
I want you to hurt so I won't have to.

I tell people I lost a friend,
and they tell me they're sorry for my loss,
I tell people I'm grieving,
and they tell me that's the cost,
of having a soulmate,
of having a home.
The cost of having someone mean so much.
And then I feel worse,
because I miss your laugh,
and the way our feet would touch.
I want to cry
but I don't.
And that's the problem, isn't it?
Because you're not gone,
you've left,
but you're still out there living.
And I just sit here missing,
a friend.

Aftertaste;
Your lips reek slightly of
lies and broken promises.
trust me, I know the smell.
it might not be you though,
maybe it's me, the scent
may have made permanent
home in my breath after
countless years of others
leaving their lies on my
tongue.
But I'll ignore it,
and you'll pretend it's not there.

The knot in my stomach
is far too easy to tie,
I don’t know if it’s because
I’ve grown overly-sensitive,
Or if I’ve become so harshly
allergic to my feelings,
But anything is enough
to bring me to my knees,
A string of words laced
in specific pattern,
Or a series of music notes
arranged just so,
They bring back my past,
Loss, and abuse
grief, and anger,
They bring back
words meant to
knock me down,
And hits meant to ****.
Every time it’s the same,
The same ache coursing
through my veins,
The same jerky
shake of my hands,
The same way I recoil
from my own body in disgust.

I find myself losing more of that person,
I'm less of who I was,
less of who I wanted to be.
More paranoia,
anger,
frustration,
and anxiety
than I ever wanted.
I'm a walking shell of a human,
I don't know where my story will go next
because I move like it's already ended,
days go by in seconds,
weeks by in hours,
a month will pass in a breath yet the future still hasn't come.
The past used to follow me like a shadow,
but it seems I've turned into a
modern-day Peter Pan
and pushed it away.
And away it took all of who I was.

You had short red hair
And a smile that killed
You spoke of home
And the army you'd build
You had freckles under your eyes
And a couple on your nose
You laughed at all my jokes
And then you told your own
You trained us from nothing
And you were never scared
You led us into battle
And I followed you everywhere

one step is all it took,
one step, one rope.
it caught you,
lifted you up,
and cut you off.
it snapped you in half,
and took you away.

The only problem with your dreams is that they make out fire to be the thing that fuels your heart;

But don't be fooled darling, fire will always burn.

It burns my throat.
You burn my throat,
when I speak,
so I don't.
I just try to breathe through it
and stop trying to see.
You'd curse
if you could see me now,
taking in toxins
for fun.
But this is what you taught me to do,
when everything hurts.
**** my lungs,
it's not like I could
breathe before anyway.

Closure;
Seemed like such a cheesy word,
until I realized,
the reason my heart hurt so much,
was because a nine year old
didn't get to say goodbye,
seven years ago.

Do you remember how we used to do this?
Sit on the hood of your truck
and eat salted fries.
We'd both have stupid grins on our faces
and I'd tell you how good you looked.

Do you remember how the sky lit up?
The fireworks were so loud
but I could almost hear the boom
in your heart
after each explosion.

Do you remember when you laid
your head on my shoulder?
and I tried to hold your hand,
You pulled away saying
you needed a smoke.
But I know you hate the taste...

I remember how cold it was,
the night after you slept in my bed.
You had worn my old shirt,
and I almost told you.

A couple days later is all it took though,
for me to say the words
I know you didn't want to hear.
And I haven't heard from you since.

So now I'm sitting alone.
Watching each blast,
Counting all the colours,
trying to forget your smile.

Don't say you love me,
And my god, Don't say that you're sorry,
Cause what happened is the past,
But you can't take it back.

My chest is way too tight,
My lungs can't move to breathe,
And I can't stop telling myself,
They wouldn't notice if I leave.
Their lives would continue on the same,
I'm just a mess in their way,
And no matter how hard I try,
I can't think of one reason to stay.
Maybe a few would miss me,
One or two at most,
But they will forget and move on,
Overlook the kid who overdosed.

You don't believe in heaven,
But you know that there's a hell.
You claim to never fall in love,
But we know you might as well.

Ashes cover the ground where we once used to sleep,
I went back there and burned every memory I keep.
Like how people said our eyes are the same blue colour,
And how I used to argue that yours were brighter. (you never believed me)
They've changed in your pictures,
Like a broken scripture.
They now look dull,
Hollowed out holes in your skull.
Their brilliant glow lost,
As if you sold them, not caring the cost.
Mine echo the blue flames they've seen swallow everything they love.
Mine watched your blue wash all my joy like the rain above.

I know you've forgotten our dull blue,
But I will remember you.

Sadness lingers over my head,
my whole being grieves
for the loss that I've not yet witnessed.
An ache claims my blood and bones
and I am reminded
again of how fragile I really am.

The future,
A thing that once was so
distant and unknown,
Is now almost crystal,
And the people I thought
I'd spend forever with,
Are nowhere to be found.

Her being radiates faith,
and behind her eyes lay confidence.
Sometimes I envy her belief,
I resent that she has a home to go,
while I stand to freeze alone.
I'll praise her strength,
for it's something I'll never have.  
Maybe sometimes I wish I could believe,
but I am the way I am, like a blind man,
I can't suddenly decide to see.

Her fingers wrapped themselves around my neck,
Her nails tried to burrow into my skin.
This is what I get for letting her in.
The taste of metal,
And salt,
And betrayal,
Fell off of my tongue.
I could feel a flame, a burning,
A crack in my lungs.
I fumbled to grasp her hand
and rip it away.
My struggles only caused her nails to cause hurt.
She grabbed hold of my words,
And gripped ******* my breath.
I know my own worth,
And this is what I get.

She isn't sadness nor anger,
but a mixture of the two.
She's darkness and
disgust laced with pain.
She's the shadow of you.

Every bone in my body aches for a rest,
While my heart begs for closure,
And my mind screams for a break.
My muscles strain under the weight of a thousand glares,
And my lungs are cracking from all their wear.
My arms are going numb,
And my vision's going dark,
My voice has lost its sound,
And my hair is falling out.
I'm dying and I know it,
You just can't see,
So I'm begging you one last time,
Let me go in peace.

Apollo watched as Icarus fell into Poseidon's waves,
some say they even saw Apollo kiss Icarus's wings
with his sun-soaked lips before he fell.
A boy fell in love with the sun not knowing
how bad it burns.

~

Don't fall for the golden boy,
He looks so sweet but tastes like fire.

~

He had the breath of a thousand stars in
his lungs;
But you can't reach the sun at the bottom
of the sea.

We lost a young soul today
The sun screamed for his lost lover 
And the sky cried out for our fallen soldier
Not knowing every tear they let drop
Pushed our young god down farther

~

He got too close to the sun,
He was so intoxicated,
He was blinded.
He got so close to the flames,
That he couldn't see he was on fire.

~

He fell into love,
Then he fell out of it.
It was toxic,
And the hate made him sick.
He was disappointed,
He had let himself down.
So after he fell,
He let himself drown.

I live in a constant state of
increased heartrates
and
panicky breaths,
I can feel my chest tighten,
and my lungs scream
as if they're being starved for air.
I'm not sure when I closed my eyes
but I know I must've because everything
is dark,
my arms feel as though they've fallen off,
and I can feel something
crushing my throat.
I can now only hear my pounding heart
echo off these walls
and maybe this is death.

You taste of distance and longing.
You look like the embodiment of past,
and my eyes can never quite focus with you on my mind.
Remembering your laugh hurts and feels like a dream,
it feels like what I would imagine remembering a past life would feel like.
I'm not even sure you were ever real.
I can't remember your eyes.
But what hurts more is that you probably
can't remember mine.

I light myself up from the inside out
just to feel something,
anything.
And sometimes,
if I'm lucky,
I can feel my lungs crumbling to ash.
The flames distract my heart
as smoke billows out of my throat,
I feel sane,
if I'm lucky.
My fingertips will burn
and my lips will crack
but I feel.
So I call it luck,
and breathe you out.

I was stupid.
I let people in,
I got to close.
I know better,
but I messed up,
and it shows.
I couldn't help it,
I craved it so,
physical affection,
and someone that knows.

How easy would it be to delete
all of your accounts?
Just pushing a button.
Just leaving,
just gone.
Leaving all your friends,
like there was never any bond.
Pretending you didn’t share your darkest
parts with strangers.
Acting like you never stayed up
to write your saddest words.
But what about the good?
Would you leave behind your lover
just because you could?
Are we just a piece of your past
that you’d like to forget?
Just a bad memory,
like a failed school test.
So just delete your history,
forget we ever happened.
Close the best and worst of your life,
and we’ll know it’s really the end.
Just abandon all your family,
leave us alone to fight your war.
I like to think it’ll be pretty hard,
but I’ve been wrong before.

I remember last year,
you sat next to me,
in the library,
on the floor,
you read out a joke,
we laughed,
and laughed.
I remember that joke.
I remember us laughing.
I remember you understanding me.
I remember you introducing me.
I remember talking about wayward sons.
I remember hall lights flickering.
I remember breathing in your smoke.
I remember walking next to you.
I remember sitting in the rain.
I remember crossing the bridge.
I remember singing old songs.
I remember your honesty.
I remember your smile.
I remember our words.
I remember being real.
I remember the goodbye.
I remember feeling numb.
I remember too much.

I should know how to breathe,
I should know how to breathe but something
got caught in my throat years ago.
It might've been the lies you tried to feed me,
but maybe I just choked on my own sobs.
Whatever it was though, caused my body to go pale
and my lips to go blue.
Don't worry though,
I've gotten used to my sunken-in eyes,
and numbed fingertips.
I should know how to breathe but I don't.
They want me to learn again.
They hand out promises like candy,
but I can't taste either.
They promise the remove the obstruction,
they promise to sweeten your memory.
But I'm scared.
I am who I am because I can't breathe.
I am sunken eyes
and blue lips.
Give me breath and I might choke again.

I should know how to breathe but I don't want to.

I saw you the other day.
My heart sped up
and I couldn't breathe.
I feared you may recognize me,
but part of me feared you wouldn't.
There's no way you could though,
we've both changed.
But then,
I thought a saw that hint
of recognition in your eyes,
your dull blue eyes.
I must've been mistaken.
though I kept looking away because
my eyes were betraying
my thoughts.
You left as quick as you came,
and my heart aches for you all over again.

It's a horrible, ruining feeling,
feeling alone whilst being surrounded by
those you call friends,
but you know in your heart and mind you will
never fit in with them,
You will always be an outcast.

It's a self-destructing feeling,
knowing that every single person you let in,
you will eventually push out.
Yet somehow you still
allow yourself to make family,
though in the end, you know anyone who
holds that title has only ever caused you to burn.
So you justify to yourself,
that they deserve to be locked out,
and never know why.

It's an honest feeling,
hating yourself for damaging the purity of
the innocent just because you've been
burned by others before.
Loathing the simple-minded,
when in fact you are jealous that their
innocence is still intact.
So you break it.
You break it and try to get even with the world,
and for that you honestly hate yourself.

Together we dance under the ceiling
Spinning around and around,
Love is such a wonderful feeling
Until you fall to the ground.

I wish I could place my thoughts,
into words,
arranged,
so beautifully,
that anyone reading,
can feel my words leave their tongue
and take home in their brain:
like you can.

You're gone
you're really gone.
this isn't a bad dream
or a sick joke,
you're gone.
really.

I'll miss you,
I think.
though the truth is
I really don't want to.
I don't want to cry or mourn.
I don't want to grieve.
I don't wanna stay up all night hating myself because
I didn't help you through the dark.

I should've helped you through the dark.

I can feel them cracking,
Breaking under the pressure
of all your lies
and forgotten promises.
The weight of all
the things I couldn't say,
is crushing them,
Burying them in hurt.
I can feel them dying.
With each sob,
and every smoke.
I can't live like this forever.

She was real, maybe that's why I clung onto
her.
She was glass in a sea of plastic,
But stronger.
She had heard it all already,
Any insult you could throw she would catch
then drop.
I envied that.
Maybe that's why I broke her.

Walking the streets from
midnight to early morning,
is not unlike walking through
a graveyard at dusk.
You can see the ghosts of peoples day.
You can hear the echo of their voices.
You can feel their presence.
While stalking the streets
you pass under the fog
clouding around hazy street lamps,
look into dark windows,
and you’re as good as alone.
Breath leaves your mouth,
swimming around you like
the smoke of a cigarette.
The faintest glimmer of life
echos the streets you wander.
The silence screams louder
than your own thoughts.
You wonder what it would be like to die,
would you stay a ghost on these streets?

You had the power of
one thousand stars
behind your back;
holding you up.
You were supposed to be
our new beginning.
Our new dawn.
With the support of
a million moons,
and the hope to cover an army,
you let us down.
But with the failure of all 
those before you shadowing
your potential,
you never stood a chance.
You were, and still are,
my strength.
But you followed in their footsteps,
and I followed in yours.
You were their hope,
and that's something you
never asked for.
You crumbled under the pressure.
You threw away their sun.
But you always be my light.

it's like,
like fire being shot up my veins;
I feel alive.
It's addicting,
it's living in the unknown,
but every time I open my eyes...
I can taste it.
The nostalgic bliss on my tongue.
It's real.

But do I want it without you?

You threw innocent children into hell,
And they grew up alone, with no one to tell,
So they'll gather the last bits of their soul to sell,
And they'll always remember the day that they fell.

finally...
peace,
I can take a deep breath
and not taste metal on my tongue,
I can hear the soft sound of motors in the
distance not accompanied by
the panicky flutter of my heartbeat.
I'm aware of everything from my
toes and up.
This is a rare moment,
I take it in, feel the breeze,
look along the endless horizon,
and breathe.
For a moment I'm okay.

The world screamed as we took the stage,
at eight years old, the world
I knew was inside a cage.
I'd never heard anything as loud,
as I stood up tall in front that crowd.
The stage was lit,
The lights were blinding,
This was it,
This was trying.

At the end, I'd never felt so proud,
I felt a million miles off the ground.
Parents came to give praise to their children,
and if we were on cloud nine, they were on cloud ten.
As mums and dads held onto their prides,
I stood off to the side, waiting for mine.

My mum never showed,
the curtains were drawn,
and the doors were all closed.
So I packed myself up,
and started for home.
My hopes had fallen, but I tried to hold on,
because in my hands lay a single red rose.

I'll never get to tell you
how much rocket candy means to me,
(even though I don't care for the taste)
or how I can't quite remember your
face,
but your smile stays ingrained into
my head,
I can't tell you that I now notice,
all the times I didn't notice,
when my mum
had left me with you,
left you to raise me.
you may never know how much care.

thank you.

Sometimes I feel...
Alone,
Very, very alone.
Everyone feels this way though, right?

Maybe I'm okay, maybe happiness is...
Effortless.

People get sad and feel so alone.
Life gets better,
Everyone says it does
Anyway.
So I'm probably fine.
Emptiness is underrated.

Should I live or should I die?
Should I fall or try to fly?
No matter my will, my feet hit the ground,
So I bury my heart and hope it gets found.

My heart won't slow down
and I want to laugh,
it's ridiculous how after all these years
you still cause my heart to melt
and I hate it.
I should be over this,
I should be over you.

Fire is an art form
Burning is a passion
Smoke holds
my hopes and dreams
And I am the flames.

Gray clouds fill the sky while you watch them become a gray blur
The smell of rain still lingers in the air
You're surrounded by barren trees
And dark pavement
For once your mind is silent, numb
Just appreciating the moment
While content paces through each vein in your body
You can hear the sound of cars in the distance
But they never get close enough to ruin the illusion
The peace
And everything feels soft
Whether it be jagged rocks or splintered tree trunks
Your mind can't tell where reality ends and your thoughts begin
And the moment stays with you all day
Whether or not you stay in the moment,
It lingers.