If I could find the connection between each raindrop,
     No matter how infinitesimal,
I know I'd be *OK

My artistic tendencies have been asleep
Wake me up
Confetti coming when the cake is cut
Make sure to rake it up
Taking puffs to feel the same only made my visions change
Still mixing liquor, rain and other liquids To **** the pain
Plain paper bag with the key to life inside it
Problem being I only conceptualize it when Im high
Trip and fall and lose altitude
The earth is coming fast
I'm bout to hit rock bottom still praying my high will last

I wish the mind was as self-healing as the **body

The oppression hangs stiff and unrelenting
And the sincerity comes off too awkward and from left field
I just want to move, but all I can accomplish are twitches in different directions
You're talking at me, not with me
And I'm close to fabricating an elaborate story to put you in shut down mode so that I can continue on my day
I don't care about your message
I'm not buying your book, I'm not reading your pamphlet, and I'm not joining your group.
I'm eating a ******* burrito, and that's IT.

I remember when all our guns were sticks
I remember when pine cones were grenades
I remember when we always got back up
And war was just a game we played

The ground looks so
     Appetizing
     From up this high
         I wanna find out if I can ******* fly

I wanna feel something before I hit the
      Bottom
                     I would love to relish in your blood-soaked nirvana

      I made you as comfortable as possible while you slit my throat
          I may be dead but my
   Wings are sewn with a different thread of gristle and bone

    If redemption is real and I have time to ****,
      I wonder how the fall will

         *Feel

You blend with shadows*
          And the cracks in sidewalks
                Brittle grime trickling down your hand
       You catch each bit between forefinger and thumb
    And turn them all into tiny broken men
           Stench streaming in smoke like ribbons
               Your skin is icicle cold
      But the smell ignites the sensory fears of those you draw close
Shattered skull love songs emit from your bones
    Calling all sinners to you to atone

You are the blackest person I know.
Not black by skin tone,
     **BUT BLACK BY SOUL.

You enter
      Riding on a soundtrack of rising blood pressure and self defeat
       Every conversation kills itself at the sight of you;
     A *joke not quite worth telling, that no one would laugh at anyway
          Every eye stops to stare at you
        *An aging car crash of a human
Wrecked and painted in dried blood
     Seducing onlookers with a rinky-**** smile
     Missing the convenient yellow caution tape that tells you life stops here
          
       You complain to fill the spaces left by your depleting self worth
  That wasn't much there in the first place
In the mirror you see dirt
    And you can't wash it away, no matter how hard you try
Cause you're ****** in all the wrong ways
Up until you die

     Unintelligently designed
Your stupidity is almost genius
       You blame others for mishaps that you have gained
                            Your sickness a silent auction
                       Anyone could have caught it
       Infectious Anonymous
Attended every week
      And yet you're still so pathetic
you don't accept you're a disease worse than any flare up that could take hold
        You don't know how to recognize the facts that you've been told

       You complain to fill the spaces left by your depleting self worth
  That wasn't much there in the first place
In the mirror you see dirt
    And you can't wash it away, no matter how hard you try
*Cause you're ****** in all the wrong ways
Up until you die

If you look at everything a little sideways

     You would be amazed at the intricate connections between everything in this life.

       **Everything is poetry, just as poetry is everything.

Who did the *****?
I'm wanting to know
             Was it Chrysta or Alex
   Or someone unknown?
            27 ***** chilled my spine to the bone
                  I've seen less ***** on ***** sites that I surf when alone

        *Evidence was prevalent at the High School and the class fool was pinned as the guy
           Peter and Sam then planned to document everything to figure out who and why

          I won't spoil specifics cause that wouldn't be slick
     I'll let you peruse through a plot so thick
       Keep your eyes open watch for clues in the mix
       And ask yourself this question:

         **Who Did The *****?

Lost inside a clockwork
        Heart attack
        ‎     Waiting to happen
        ‎   Ticking and cracking
        ‎    The silence in half with a second's helping
        ‎           I was hungry and delving deeper into somnambulance
        ‎                      Gambling my waking minutes
        ‎       Away with a hazy resemblance of life
        ‎     The sharpest of minds couldn't cut it out
        ‎   This troubled route gets more fractured with each forced laughter
        ‎             Hours pass faster the faker my happiness becomes
        ‎                    I scrape by on a yearly basis as my days have gone numb
        ‎

Dragging my knuckles* on the sidewalk
      I find myself hoping for a *spark
     that would confirm my mechanical makeup
        Titanium and servos buried mere inches beneath faux flesh
        Scraping concrete

         *Friction, it would seem,
           is the only force powerful enough to reveal me to myself

I met Sally on the hill with a nickel bag of ******.
      She didn't pay me in money.
Instead, information and a little persuasion made the baggie leave my right back pack pocket
     “Dollars could never have made sense of it anyway
          We throw pennies away opting for the opulence that big bills entail
   Retail will never amount to the amount I've blown on blow”
    Or so she said behind Louis Vuitton shades shielding eyes half dead
           A ****** with a monkey on her back fed by a steady stream of opiates
       “I open this line of communication so you can see we lack foundation and stability and yet
      We're trying to build a sand castle with all the powder we can possibly get
And if we're forced to forfeit that fortress, we snort more, still trying to forget” and with that she placed her sunglasses on top of her head

     I stood back with my back pack and I finally understood
                               Why drugs will make you richer than working ever could
                   They bag a gram put it on the scale and tell you what it weighs
      But they don't tell you how unnoticeable it is when your life slips away

         We sell the dream, we sell the aesthetics
    The drugs, the parties, the scene with guest lists
     Invincibility
        Pretty lights.
                Fun. All a lie.

*I almost fell on my face walking down the hill, staring into those blue eyes over my shoulder all the while.

I finally figured a piece that could fit
     Decent enough to mention
          That gets deeper with each visit
     And though it wasn't my intention
       We invented vivid scriptures Shakespeare would weep to
           Crackheads could sleep to
       That's just the calm of absolution as it creeps through
         We never needed a deity's forgiveness or god to bear witness
   To this **** that we do behind closed doors cause in these moments I'm finally yours

      And that's all that should matter

I'm writing myself into my own little horror movie
             One where all of my victims are **myself

.                       She'll
take
                        off
her
                        clothes
for a                     little bit of coverage
Ride                     windows down
in the rain              like she loves it
                                What she'll do
                             for a hundred likes
                             on a website
  in real life              
      Is something project X like
her best nights
Her friends lie about her importance 
Beauty cant get you on a Forbes list
                                          But her dreams only  
*exist when attention shuts out pain

She dipped her fingertips in paint

        And left her identity on my canvas

I opened myself up and pulled my ribs to the side
        Trying to find something that matters.
                   Something to stick to.
A religion,               a belief,
                |Anything
And in the              dark empty space
                |I found
Whatever                  led me to understand who I                                Thought I was
                **|was already dead.

Roller
          co
            as
              t
              ­ e
                 r
                      
                    f                   ­             
                        a                      
   ­                           s                
                                     t            
orslowitdoesntseemtomatter

                         N
                      W
  U               O
     P        D
          &
                                We hit the
{}{}{}{}{G}{}{R}{}{O}{}{U}{}{N}{}{D}{­}{}{}{

But never seem to *sh\at\ter

I keep waiting for a punchline to a joke told before I was born
           When everyone had their *own problems.
     Some of them I inherited
                But not happily
  
       I can hear echoes even now, the build up, the relaxed but uneasy tenseness before the drop of the curtain, the reveal.....
      And then,
                                  nothing.

          **Cricke­ts.

The blood splatter dripped and pooled at the floor
       Even time slipped amidst all the gore

Some things never change
    


      The circular stains on the ceiling above my heart shaped bed didn't exist under that rule

  Sometimes they *seemed constant
           And sometimes that made me feel ok
            
        But other times, as I lay in bed,
            Somewhere near the halfway point between laying down and falling asleep,
       I stared up at them and they moved
         Left and right
Ellipsing each other,
    Becoming ovaloid in shape

Sometimes they simply flitted away, vanished


    I thought them gone,
But they continued to return.

They would not be so remorseless as to leave and not look back to see the blank space they had left.

     So my little circular stains stayed for a while.

    I was happy looking up in wonder at something I could never understand but never dared question.

   Until one day I simply wasn't. My interest in the stains steadily faded until I began to drift off on my side staring out the window, searching for owls I could hear but not see. These sounds made me hope.

They made me open the windows I had locked tight.
They made me breathe.
    
    Those sounds lull me to sleep even now.

*And I've stopped looking for the circles completely

Suicide should only be committed once*
So why the hell do I try every couple months
Something's up with the water
I don't feel the rush like I used to
There's no happiness tutorials on YouTube
I laced together my shoes, through them on a wire and convinced myself to sit and think
The kitchen sink's dishes stink
But you are what you eat and I had a helping of insane

Low key lowlife, broke and high under a spotlight
No ice so there's more drink at the drive thru window with my eyes suspiciously low
I'm ridiculously close to laughing what's left of my mind away
I forgot how it feels to feel fine today
It's either *love or hate and there's no areas of gray

*I wish I had a thousand hours to sit down and figure out exactly what the **** that I've been running from
I wish someone would stick around long enough to identify with the place that I'm coming from

I had a dream in the middle of the day
          About a boy with springs where his legs should have been
        He jumped so high he got tangled in barbwire clouds
             And it rained blood and viscera for a month

Dont
        You
               Freaking
        Hate
Forgetting
        The
               Flipping
         Last
Word.......?

Poetry** is the ADHD of literature

Somehow I know
               Whatever I write,
           It’ll be about *you.

I put you on my wall today
          As soon as I got home
              And I smilled at how you were crooked
                   And I tilted my head to really see you

      And that's when the water sloshed out of my ears and I was drowning

                      Your eyes became bubbles that helped me breathe
              When I sucked them in
  
       I became one with the pressure
The fluctuating force that I knew all to well
         Spilling from my ears like a cloud too heavy to hold its weight
    
             You drift off the wall and float with me, fragile, yet permanent and meaningful in my mind

I filled my bullet holes from the inside out
Concrete substitutions for flesh laid by a man of stone
So cold to the touch in the moonlight hours
I almost forget I was ever warm
Perforated to the core of my being
My initial rebuttal to the pain i felt was to harden myself
Teach myself to live with the cold
And look towards the solid shadows I then casted for inspiration to carry on
Fool myself into believing in the wholeness of a broken man
I lived as a creation of my own twisted and transformed imagination day in and day out
Dragging along the heavy weight a shield of hate brought with it
The problem being
Behind that shield I was protected fully from any outside source of grief
But I was trapped as well
A layer of thick rage and apathy deflecting any and all other emotion
A poison that constantly ate at what was left of me
Soon I became too weak to stand
The price you pay for being invincible against all other forces is that you can never stop yourself from dying on the inside
I had built a fortress to no avail
Because I had trapped the evil within myself
On my knees, my body rotting away
What was left of my flesh began to shrink back
The concrete was losing its grip the walls of skin that held them in retreating
The evil had won
Chunks of cement fell to the ground and crumbled
The agony indescribable
I was losing the last ounce of security I had left in this world
I was weak and the heaviness of the shield left when I could no longer hold it
I was defeated
I sat awaiting a death that in my mind was the only thing left assured to me
But it never came
Instead, I saw the sun rise over the horizon
I felt its warm rays on my disfigured flesh
And all around me was illuminated
In the light I saw how horrible what I had done to myself really was
At the price of living I had bought myself immortality
Nothing more than a cruel joke
Night never came again
And eventually I stood up
The light shone through my bullet holes as I did and the last of my disgust for the world was gone
I buried the shield and the crumbled stone deep in the darkness and never went back
Because no matter what may have been in my past, no matter how much blood I had shed, I knew that now I could live,

Truly

I remember being ten
And watching "You Only Live Twice" with my grandfather
I knew then,
That day,
I wanted to be James Bond.
Every time me and my friends would play,
They'd be Spider-Man or Batman...
But me, I'd always be Agent 007
(And somehow win)
I wanted so bad to be so tough
So smooth, So witty.
But I fell face first into the realization that I would always sadly be a double-oh nothing.

Ten years later,
A lot has changed, yet nothing at all.
I could never be 007.
I show too much emotion.
Hurt too often.
But I have found my one true Bond Girl.
And I still hold tight to that dream
That one day I'll wake up and I'll be Bond. **James Bond

Sometimes I hold a dead phone to my face so I don't look crazy as I talk to myself.

I miss you
Now you only exist through photographs
     And I wonder if you smile between the frozen moments I see of you
   I plead its true
          Cause I'm bleeding new negatives of myself
    But the only pain I've felt was putting you on a shelf
                 I can't see it any different
    I think of you an infant and now I see you crawling and I wanna call your momma but I wonder if it matters and when to cut ties
     I cut all the veins until most of it died
     I got blood on my hands but most of it dried
  Somehow the blood mixed with filth and a vine grew inside
      And I wonder if I can touch your face if I climb

        *When is all lost?
When its all tossed aside and goes out with the tide?
                   I need a vanilla sky to make a horizon and bring back the water
             Meanwhile I hear mommas having a daughter and I want her to be a doctor automatically
     Cause success is something none of us ever got to see

Generation Information:
Running 'round, drugs in cases
Even if ya hate ya placement
Time moves faster with some patience
Seniles claim *conspiracy;
Wonder what kinda bombs we makin'
FOURTEEN MILLION DIVORCED PARENTS
Raising kids who feel forsaken
Walking round with Glocks, hoping they don't get blammed next,
No Christmas anymore;
Santa Claus is hooked on *Xanax
And once you get outta Hell
Get framed and put in jail
Its hard to crawl from the bottom back up to the place you fell
We say we work in retail
But shoes ain't what we sell,
So please cover your ears
Don't listen to what we tell.
Children taught to be pitiless
**** anybody with viciousness
Shot too high
Expecting adults
And that's where the militias went
Murdered by a lonely kid who got no Love
Trained to pull a weapon if push comes to shove
Look up in the sky
They made Ravens outta doves
*Sinned so much, afraid to ask forgiveness from above

Sometimes I sleep so **** long
    
  The fabric of my dreams rots around me*

                                             **And im left lying on a cold unforgiving slab of reality.

Tempestuous pestilence of manic depressive tendencies invested in a message cocked and loaded as a centerpiece

           Unfold it, if you will,

   The beast lives in these pages
  While the people all went home to their own separate cages
Locks become phones that never ring
  No bars but still encasing, these cells are in our genes
   Its a prison of DNA strands unlocked with a paper key*
    Held firm by *words written within the world awaits to see