I have never liked the term

      "sloppy seconds"
                  
                  I believe that we renew ourselves with each love

Oversaturated
The colors you provide are somehow tainted
I can't take it
Huffing paint makes me feel amazing
Green makes me feel jaded
Even though im homeless i pray i dont make it just to pledge allegiance to satan
Red makes me blue
Seeing her go
Disappear into hues
It had to be her
But i'd rather it you
I gather myself into a corner and blame myself
New
Allegations of chasing tail just to get head
Moments spent worthless as pennies when i'd rather be dead

Breathe each breath as if you are inhaling the sunrise of a new day**
            Possibility filling your lungs
        Every cell in your body
Dancing to the rhythm of a fresh start.

I say a prayer that the dim light of the moon won't hide your shadow when im finally able to touch you

         Despite feeling your hair on my face
         Smelling your sweet perfume
         Tasting your kisses
         And hearing you say you love me,
  
                            It may be the only thing to convince me you're back in my arms

Hypnosis*
     Comatose so close to death
   Another dose of coldness swept away all my regret
Some die by the sword of vengeance, others by respect
                I myself will die calm and ready, **steadying my breath

Ripping out pages and crumpling paper
Lately I can't just express without saying
Something too raw pulling **** out the closet
Leave grown women sobbing this **** is bizzare just
Bare with me I'm sorry my life is revolving
I'm falling in hallways get faded to jot this
Can't bring you up every girl I'm involved with
Hates you to death, because I share my heart with
You and you only
Only you see my side
We've loved and we've lied and we've cuddled and cried
We built up our pride
We've drank and gotten high
But every sober moment
Protected my mind
You rejected my kind gestures and efforts in time
made me realize I played the Jester
Just to get by
Wonder why did I lose love?
Well at least I did try
Stealing you rings just to make you all mine
Still remember your size
Those seven point fives that you'd take off at night
I know you lost a couple shouldn't come as a surprise
We both lost it all even who we both are
These emotional scars make what we had hard to find
I'm just stuck in the car strapped along for the ride
I tapped in to the side of me that's still too in love
I know its too much and you don't want to rush, but

Me and you were playing house
Start thinking that I'm losing touch
Falling asleep together on Mare's couch
Maybe I should loosen up
When I leave you and I go home
I start forgetting what it is
Gotta keep in mind our two beautiful kids
I mean that's *reason enough to ******* live

Why are we wasting our relationship on other relationships?*
You know how sticky these situations get
You go up higher than me some days
You know what I think we could be some day
But you already know my side of things, man

You're my drug fueled fantasy
And all i want is you to dance with me
I'm never coming down
Rather overdose than have a peak
Will you intravenously love me for the right price?
I need your high tonight.
And i just might do anything to feel your bite

You played doctor when I needed you
         Then passed as I held on
  You left abruptly at the crack of a smile
         And always hung above, loose yet binding, in a moment of grief
            You take life away with each successive sunset
      And you've always been before we ever gave you a name.

*My greatest enemy, my only friend.

Evil in my head twisting around
Did I drown
    Or did I wet my feet in ******
Blood pouring
  Down the stairway to Heaven
         And into the mouth of an entity
A thirst so unquenchable
     Its no wonder I tend to breathe the other direction
     Because a hint of moisture on my breath would be a warrant for my death
             Dying of thirst
Its not new but the truth doesnt fade
    It keeps on flowing until you cover up its fangs

I couldn't think of a better blade than you
                     Because you cut so deep
        *You don't leave any trace that whatever you sever even existed

Nobody was born here
    But we'll die here
                   Sink into this rough soil
  And fertilize a tree.
                       And that tree will grow leaves,
           And come fall baby,
     People will come from all over just to see them drift away from the thing that gave them life.

Nobody was born here
     But then again,
   No one knows what "here" even means
         The meaning was lost in years and years of general nonchalance
               It sounds beautiful,
   But ****** if we know how to explain it.

Nobody was born here,
            But we can choose to call it home.
   We can choose to grow old here,
And we can choose to die here.
               And if we don't know how to define it, then that leaves a blank we can fill in with anything we want
        No matter what
        Anything at all.
  And if that means you sink into this rough soil,
      Just to fertilize one tree,
          Then come fall, baby
    People will come from all over just to see your leaves change and drift,
        And baby,
           That means you're beautiful.

Step it up
Step it up to the bars
Break through so I dont break down
Quit asking how long it will take
Start paying attention to the steps as you escape now
That dungeon
Lonely cerebellum
Celebrity status dwelling
Inhaling stale stagnant smoke
A magnetizing choke
As the **** ties tantric knots iside your throat
Thoughts float from the dark
Poke and **** the slot to the key of happiness

Do I regress?*
If I regret my next step
Or do I stay in the night
Crying I wished I'd try
Into a broken mic
Downtrodden eyes
Staring at a life with my body nothing but a reason to build a shadow behind a hollow object

No.
There is a force inside of me
A silent tide in me
Feeding a violent seed
Raising a timeless tree
Etchings proclaiming I'm poetry
Lasting forever
Engrained internally
The grains absorbing the light
The limbs moving towards
The beautiful afternoon rays

I'd ask you if it looks real but you're nowhere to be found
     I call your phone
           It rings
   But that's the only ******* sound
       I wonder the man I'd be if you had chose to stick around
             As I'm smoking on these rocks and not the ones thats off the ground
                 The ones that cut deep and not just bare feet
     The kind the police always be searching for with the hounds
        I don't sleep or eat I feel cold in heat
        I can't ******* think unless I'm surrounded by a cloud
      But I start to crack, I'm not safe but claim I've got it on lock
             I was taught how to smoke by the boys up the block
            See they were there in your place and I forgot your face and its to the point the only thing I love is my squad
          I'm done talking to God
          And my dealer won't pick up
          So I keep up the facade my smile is not a mirage and my desert of cracked lips actually budge and the muscles push up and it isn't that hard
          And I'm talking just to myself
          Watching as I grin
          Trying to make a fake into perfection

Nails to keep me held high
   Looking down at what I love
Bleed me until i'm dry
        For every moment I lost touch
          I could never be your savior
      And truthfully its my loss
I know we look good on paper
  
              But I feel like I'm more at home on this *cross

I've lost gallons of blood
Torn miles of skin
But the darkest of my scars
Started within
You called me a friend
Even called me your kin
I was there with you
To see every end
As the sun dipped way down
You told me you'd stay
It was only right
As you'd come to say
But as night gave way
And I lay awake
Opening my eyes
Was unearthing a grave
You died with what I saw in you
Withered and worn
And inside me something changed

*A scar was born

This coffin
    I inhabit
         Floats along the nonexistence
    Of space
And time

        In such a way as to make me forget what comfort ever was
     Days become eons
Trapped in a box reeking of death and lacking in emotion
     I become nothing more than a trained chimp
            Acting out "living" as I see actual humans do

all for a few measly peanuts

*yes oh yes I wouldn't mind if this rolling coffin crashed and burned if for nothing more than to end this surreal nightmare of not existing

The room floated away
     Careening through street lamps and parked cars
    Flying through neighborhoods and dirt roads and green pastures
     It shot upward
A carpeted rocketship among dying stars

        I moved to touch you but you turned and left
     You opened the door and pushed yourself down
Hurtling toward Earth with reckless abandon and an annihilative smile
       I felt the shock of you hitting pay dirt way up here in my heart
You found peace in the rubble of the comfort of others
     And though it hurts my thoughts to know you're gone
   My soul knows I'm the same.

Way up here in this room shaped rocket I know we're both the same.

I silently burn
But my ashes are just sweat
I drink from my urn
But all I taste's regret*

I dont think of you lately
I dont notice these changes
I've lost control of my anger
I feel us both start to hate me
I feel us both become strangers
My clothes are all cloaked in anguish
I use these ******* erasers
Everytime I'm mistaken
Take my loss and keep racing
To find out where this flame takes me
An absolute embrace
Of all of my damnation
Steady taking a step back
Surveying situations
Tired of *******
Finding where this flame may take him

I silently burn
But my ashes are just sweat
I drink from my urn
But all I taste's regret
I thank you for your time
And stumble before I fall
Weeping worlds into existence
Just incinerate it all

The dark and mysterious
Starved and delirious
Eddie Murphy shotgun
Guffaw at the pitiless
Just another sound from the TV
The livin room consumed by the gloom that was written in
The script of a cartoon poppin Ritalin to stay in tune with the
Mood of his peers eatin shrooms for dinner pour salt in the wound
No splenda
Suspended by their necks from the system as society forgets them
The news covers an angle
And tells you who's the victim
Saying the youth is the danger please don't go near them
Creating strangers out of family endangering a strain of love cause that's the only thing to overcome the ******* on their tongues

I see the earth crumble
                As I close my eyes
   In the mirror
                            A hundred civilizations  
Vanish in the literal blink of an eye
           Tectonic plates sliding together
    Forming volcanos in my pupils
          I cry magma
Hot tears burning holes in my cardigan
                   Fully shut, I can hear the subtle sizzle
            And untimely titanic "BOOM" of an imploding world
      The flames burn through my lids
          In incalculable nanoseconds
               Somehow I can sense
                       The smoke
                           It feels
                             Like


Marijuana.

Turning the tide above my bed
Thoughts of you slosh around inside my head

    I smile and you smile
Looking at the future
And the way we come together
   Sewing the past up like a suture
Bandaids and burn scars could never stop our motion
     Not while these thoughts of you in my head, girl, are steady as an ocean
    We sway this way and that on the waves of our songs
        And though others call us different, we know we're not wrong
   How could we be?
         When we feel so right in each other's arms
           You're the tide in my head Renmar
      Protecting me from harm*




*I hope I never wash ashore

Palms on the ground
     Sweat dripping down I know this is it
Never or now
                 Time's slowed to a drip
    I can hear laughter
     Such an overwhelming sound
    They won't laugh after
         I pick up this gun
    Life's had its run but now I'm done
          My mind has been won
    By depression and corruption
    Repression and reduction
        I've come to know and hate
      This bed that I woke up in
            Makes me wanna say **** this
        Tuck this in my backpack
And when one more ******* kid shoves me
          Then I'll attack back
      I'm tired of falling down
     Sweaty palms on the ground
          I can't take anymore
                Its never or


*RIGHT NOW!

Cut cut cutting* out the cardboard of my tongue
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
Chopped off at the root of me, my essence running red

Something stupid, clumsy and dark stumbles at my door
I told you to get out of here and not come back no more
But silly you you slit your throat and dont know how to sew
Looking in my window for answers, acting like I know

Choke me with a guitar string, this music will be the death of me
But it'll get me lots of ***, so I don't even sweat the heat
Time will stop ticking when the world has finally lost its rhythm
And I'll be sitting on an oil drum screaming out of tune at children

Old men die just to do it once and see if they survive
While im happy just popping pills to see if im alive
I can no longer taste your kiss as my body has gone numb
But I still feel my way around the barrel of my gun

You were there before I ever wrote
Long before I ever smoked
You knew me before they did
All of em
You saw me change
As a stranger
Far away from all my mishaps and danger
You saw the side effects of pills too hard to swallow
You knew me before I had ever had my heart broken
Before I had my thoughts stolen by harsh words spoken

Before the scars


I remember breaking a window.
All I did was knock.
You were inside with the lock engaged
A boxed in cage
I could not just stay out of

Not too long after that night the seven or more blocked the door and I applied more than an appropriate amount of lotion that his corneas adorned
Immature?
Maybe but it may be I was scared

Scared enough to knock so hard
I obtained my first scar in the front yard of a Heritage Pointe apartment


You knew me when your world got tossed into a cold wind
My sole friend in an inconsolable state
The thirteenth the date, at least I think, my birthday was late
The drive home was too long in the stone cold silence in the wake of unfathomable violence
I loved you enough to feel empathy for the first time
My sister just not in blood usually just said she was fine like some corny degrassi line with true emotions deep in holding in the circus of your mind
But here you were crying
A sign of a signing away of youth
I watched as you grew

Our lives are a sitcom and we've lost the remote
And pretty much all hope of ever calling it quits
We're as stuck as it gets
Family runs thick

We knew each other before we became moms and dads
Back when we we're all we had
You were Daddy Yankee, I was  more Kanye West
But we always went well together, Sister you're the best

Something real in my vision
This lifes a head on collision
Subtext and sybolism
Society, and religion
Begging me to beg forgiveness
I never listen
To anything but my heart
And the art on my wall
Hung a bit odd
If one's standing out in the hall
Not ready to evolve
And enter the fog
Gods get lost in this dark
This amusement park with chairs that spark
Where the lights always die
In your eyes
And you stay locked under your skin
Paying for every sin
By being broken
And bent

From head on collisions

Colliding head on with the song in my soul though my flow I let you know I'm an honest man but don't **** me off I'll still ******* up like you're wet and soft like Lara croft but it's not for naught I'm lost but always found mainstream yet underground I'm a heavyweight lyrical boxer I contend pound for pound each round

Bad memories linger
     In sour clouds of self pity
   **Like farts of the mind

Kneeling down
        Speaking to God
        His black eyes scream forgiveness
        The sound gives me goosebumps

    You see
                  I've done things most would consider a bit unusual
  But I've always deserved it
     A razorblade horizontally drug across my lips reminded me to never talk back
     Embedding shards of glass in my legs one by one reminded me to never run away from my problems
              
            After everyone died there were questions I could never say the real answer to
          
        You were there to hear the truth, always were
        Beside me, behind me, beneath me
    You never loved me enough to be inside, but it was ok because your mystique kept me inebriated

    The questions never stopped the rooms got smaller and I had to run
       I had to leave. You came with me

    I hated myself for not staying. And when the pieces of glass weren't enough, I understood I deserved a worse punishment, I lit a cigarette and started my trusty chainsaw
   And after I was finished even you shrunk away from me, my flat friend made of blackness where did you go?

       Now all I have is God.
He listens okay, but he's not like you. With my decimated body leaning against my bed, I look into his two deep dark hollow eyes, I bring his eyes closer, into my mouth, and finally he talks back. He says *bang

Do you know the feeling of holding on to abstract ideas?
Hot and abysmal
Whimsical fears
Dry and unenchanting miserable years?

Do you?

Or do you know the road of normal hopes,
Overpasses and classy folk,
Cheap sunglasses and average Joes?

Do you know those things?
Or does light bring dimmer views
Shadows of doubt cast around
A darker, livid hue
If someone had to die,
Would it be him or you
Or would you simply choose to escape and sing a hymn or two?
See forgiveness doesn't come to those who ask, ask anyone

Even me,

I have asked you plenty ones.
In hindsight, you will see

I can't get over you*
      But I hate you.
  You hardly come around.
I used to date you when your time frame was more abrupt
    You'd show up with a kiss and a hug
  Give me the gift of love
With no glove on, just pure touch
      Pushing your button and gripping you tight
   We used to get by
You'd always take me back
  For the very last time
Stuck between whether it's wrong or its right
     Being this naked
We'd always fight and when it was amazing, even they loved it.
       From cover to cover, our bed was made up and it read like this:
      "Here lies Poetry and her Poet, God rest their souls on crumpled paper"*
      If we make it
And our love is a mainstream instrumental, will you come back and talk to me or will you choke me on your lies,
All your promises meeting their demise in a pair of telling deceitful eyes that I couldn't draw
    The paper might rip in these hands made of straw
      But the years will drag on with me gripping two halves beyond repair trying to grasp the reality of your infidelity

Looking through windows of my past and your present
I have to say I start to feel my confidence lessen
No doubt we all learn lessons that invoke progression
But as to my direction I'm stuck here guessing
You smile too big and I wonder if its the same I wore
But hearing that name, in this time frame I cant think anymore
So im stuck to looking through windows of your present and my past
Calling out that name and knocking on the glass

At one time I could see her and how we would grow
But all we did was grew apart
Remnants buried in snow

The winter of any love is cold and desolate
Wandering through white where once there was color
Frost bitten tears say you have to make the best of it
But your heart is stubborn and steadfast that you love her

I think hypothermia kicks in when she doesn't pick up
Her heart beating fine without mine
My body froze solid still trying to knock

On that window from the*         *outside

Stranger things have happened
The splitting of an atom led to all the Eves and Adams
We just keep climbing up this ladder
What happens when we reach the top of it
Does it matter?
Still, stranger things have happened
I hung myself with string theory gripped in madness
And visited the vast void dripped in blackness
Crippled past tense reminds us of what was
And how inevitable it is that everything gets crushed and
Deboned with time
My skeleton remains hesitant at 11:59
Still even stranger things have happened
I woke up as a lab rat with a hazmat and a gasmask
Phantom of the operating theater with the seats packed
Breathing in sterile air trying to feel the breeze
Strap my self into a gurney
To perform out of body surgery
I said I'd never turn the other cheek but
Stranger things have happened