Again I was turned away.
Lines burned to ash,
The fire threatens quick and bright.

Again I was pushed away.
Their desire to hear was never there,
I dared for something more.

Again I was put away.
Clever criticisms fill my silence,
Cold hearts torment the one still beating.

Though I am surrounded by a million people,
I am alone.
Wishing for something more,
There is nothing left.
I might need to wish myself away.

I am lost.
Yet,
Something is telling me you are just like me.
Maybe
We were put in the darkness
To find each other.

It's like quicksand in the desert:
Some relish the attention,
The thrill,
Daring to get closer,
Finding a way to prove themselves,
But finding themselves in a place
They would never want to be.

It ***** them closer,
Pulling them away from the safe ground.
They forget who they once were,
Only living up to what others expect from them--
Want from them.

Plaguing every living heart and
Preventing pure friendships from being made.

A speckled light,
Unknown,
But more known than the secrets buried deep.
Most people look only on the outside:
A dim glow,
Scars, gashed across while
Other's footprints on the surface.
What is really of worth,
Trapped in the night sky?

The more I look up at you,
The more I realize,
It is forgotten,
The beauty fading,
The memories erased.
How I long to leave this place,
But only to join others that
Are like the two of us.

Tell me something
Guardian of the sky,
Do you dream like I do?

The water is icy cold
As I press the sharp blade--
A dagger given to **** a curse,
And to take my love for you.
The thought bites,
So does the silver,
Burying itself into flesh.

How could I do this?
How could they ask me?
Why would I **** my true love?

The ones that gave me this burden
Were more like me than you could ever be.
After the deed is done,
When you look down on me,
Will you see me for what I've done?
I can't bear the thought.

I say my last farewells,
Bubbles and a kiss to the night air,
Then I step willingly through the door.
Better I go than
Destroy your future.

You look up one last time
Before the curse shatters my
Bleeding heart.

The poem I would never write would tell of the sun
And the moon and
The stars,
And how the color gray
Describes everything by far.

The poem I would never write
Would be about roses
And the wind in branches and trees.

The poem I would never write
Could never be read.
You see,
The poem I would never write
Would be about the unchartable,
An unwritten world waiting to be created.
The poem I would never write
Would explain my every wish,
The desires buried deeper then the sorrow I hold.
Words would not suffice in
The poem I would never write.

I'm in a dark room,
The noiseless sounds make my ears cringe in the silence,
The emptiness a pressing entity.
The surfaces are sharp and cool,
A foreign substance to this world.
The dank smell is also sharp,
Like pointed daggers to the soul.
A bitterness fills my body,
A sour savory on my tongue.
Everything is thick and sluggish,
Even the candle burned out.
Black.
And yet--
There are shadows on the wall,
Dim silhouettes.
I can see a glimmer
Shining through the broken door.
It's still hushed.
It's still bitter.
It's still empty and thick and dark.
But not so dark.

I look at my broken light and think,
"I can fix that."

One shot is heard.
Two men glance at each other knowing only one would make it.
Three guards at the door,
Restraining four crying children.
Five women-- mothers and wives mourn nearby,
Six laws were broken,
Seven things stolen,
Eight minutes were spent to make
Nine years worth nothing now.
Ten seconds to say goodbye.

My refuge--
The world is a blur of
Colorless colors,
A kaleidoscope of what never was.
Gray has even ceased to exist.

My refuge--
I never want to be left alone,
But that's the only way I can survive.
People aren't always human,
And they destroy whatever they touch.

My refuge--
Things are never easy,
The things should be perfect now.
Whatever I try
I can't ever do.

My refuge--
A peaceful darkness surrounds.
I would rather be here than
In the kaleidoscope.
The world makes me dizzy.

My refuge--
I'm stuck in the cold again.
Crying,
Nothing is there to reach out to.
Hand holds are too slippery.

My refuge--
I am just a problem.
A horrible human,
An ugly being.
I don't mean to make them fight.

My refuge--
It's all my fault.
I can't do things right,
I will never be good.
Silence now arrests.

My refuge--
Protect me like you always do,
Calm the storm and
Give me strength
To face the world again.

Thank you--
My refuge.

Nobody's honor
Should include brutality.
A heartbroken people
Fighting for a forgotten cause,
Shrieking children
Running from guns,
Running from fathers,
Defending themselves against the
Electrifying terror of
Torture.

Yet we hardly bat an eye at war,
Creating a vanishing sympathy for
Pain and destruction.
People hardly remember what it was like to be a
Human.
Just watch the news.
Just go to the movies.
War is now entertainment.
Destruction is now praised.

I hate war.

It's kind of hard to explain
The feeling you are
Trapped
In a black hole
With nowhere to go and
Seemingly no one to pull you out.
Yet others are there,
Testing their strength in the great current,
Alone in their endeavors,
Pretending they can help you,
But can't give a reason why they would.

Liars--
They create this swirling black current--
A hole in this heart.
The beat is becoming irregular
As I don't know how to trust.
It pulls me closer,
Surrendering to the depth of pain:
I've been here too long to escape.
I could become one of them--
Become the current.

Give me a reason why I shouldn't.

A pebble drops in the inky surface,
The weather driven water as if a
Brown varnish.
I am the ripples in the water,
You are the pebble that made me change.
Hold my hand,
Make me spin around once more.
Give me what I lack,
Things like
Trust,
Love,
Friendship.

Just like the ripples I am,
I am gone too soon.

Sometimes I wish
I was a seashell on the beach
That you would pick up
And keep forever.

I am wishing on a dream and shooting for the stars.
Why does that disappoint?
Why don't they understand?
Will they ever understand?
Take time to listen.
Perhaps
Down the road they will find these and find the real
Me.

Do not think any of these poems are finished,
This is just a snapshot of the heart.
In any instant,
The words make no sense.
I encourage all who read these to write about themselves,
Just like I am putting my heart into an unknown world.
Also--
Thank God for the talents He has given you.

I feel like I've been up all night,
But it's not even 3 am.
You promised things would change,
But secrets are too hard to keep from me,
The truth cuts deep:
I know it never will.

Restlessness,
Sleepless tonight...

I live in an imaginary house,
Full of imaginary doors and
Imaginary people.
They tell me about the imaginary world,
Beyond the imaginary walls
Of this imaginary house.
I believe them
In my own imaginary way.

My imaginary cares are carried off by
An imaginary wind.
I dance the night away with my
Imaginary friends,
And hope that my imaginary sleepless night
Will never end.

My imaginary heart still wishes for
Imaginary love,
Which is now an imaginary wish,
Lost in an imaginary darkness.
I wish I was imaginary too.

The world is black and white
With a mix of grey,
Painting a purplish shade,
These crimson colors will never fade.
Tempered with brown and yellow,
No camera can capture the
Touch of a mother,
Or a golden sunset,
Slipping behind the green and blue.
The world is only colors,
The shouts of orange
And the soft whispers of the lilac
Tell of stories much more than the
Black and white.

Grey is the daughter,
The developer of color:
Call to comfort or
Threaten the foes.
In a word:
Both light and dark,
Hard and soft,
Lonely and forgotten.

I am gray again today.

Oh, angel darling,
Protect me from the night sky,
The stars glare on the beauty of the
First full moon.
The sun envies
The softness of the glow,
When bolides crash down
To find the eastern glow.
Where are you now,
Dreaming in the dark?
When you left me it turned off
All the light.
But I don't mind--
I love the feeling this night,
As the moon slips sleepily,
I am left alone.

Alone.
Why can't I get use to that?
Maybe because the stars have their kind,
And the sun has a family--
Why am I like the moon?

The night is colder,
But I don't mind,
Tonight I love the night sky.

I'm not the kind of person you would expect to see
Wallowed up in pitiful misery,
But walled up behind this blue mystery
It is clear to see I am not at ease.

These hands almost need to destroy these things,
My feet walk daringly close to the fiends,
The heart I own knows not to lean,
And my body, prostrate it will be.

I'm stuck in a compulsive lying stage
Where I tell more than I ought to wage.
I feel like I'm lying on woody sage,
Or barred up in some terrible, foreboding cage.

I lie when I say that I'm alright,
I lie when I say the sky is looking bright,
I lie when I see you in my sight,
I lie when I say you started this fight.

Now this isn't about your love,
Or how hard you would shove
If you saw this situation from above.
It's always me I write of.

Now I want to take it all back,
But to tell the honest truth I lack,
Into the heart all truth can hack,
So better to leave this all and pack.

I'm moving on to Mexico,
Where the sun gets hot and the waves are low.
When I get there I won't be an echo,
It's hard to leave, but it's nice to go.

Tell me when it is all said and done,
When they bring back the linens and the sun.
Call me when life is more than won,
But leave me be when they grab another gun.

I own everything that's mine,
But even if I'm hard to find,
In Mexico I would longer hide,
Since all my lying you don't mind.

I highly doubt you could miss
Me, a girl without a kiss,
A snake, a cat, without a hiss,
Who can't amount to any bliss.

Seal me behind big locked bars,
A place without fancy cars.
Put me with all the liars,
Ship me off to a place like Mars.

But I can lie,
And I'm no longer shy.
I'll move down to Mexico,
Buy a new sombrero,
And abandon an achy heart,
On the hills of Mar's black art.

Look down:

              Are there

                                             Reasons

"I"

                                               ­                                        Is next to

                    *"U?"

Time after time,
I might love you,
Until the time I let go:

Until I die.

Will it be OK when I can't feel my heart anymore?
Could I still love the harsh cries,
The deadly, lovely words
Meant for you?

Would you call it love
If I wrote you
A thousand poems?

Were we meant to be
Tonight,
Alone with only our thoughts
And the knowledge
We did it the same as yesterday?

I can't take anymore.

A picture is worth a thousand words:








You're a library.

It's true that fresh air is good for the body,
And singing is good for the soul.
Dancing is the exercise of one's strength,
And learning will help us grow.
This is our body,
This is our part,
Why should we give it up?
Breathe, sing, dance, learn,
Give the world our all,
And take nothing less than that.

Bring me a sunset in a cup,
Tell me the sky's great secret.
Give me a happy fading glow,
Inspire wonder within me.
Take my hand and dance with night,
Steal my heart in the darkness.
Make me a golden box of treasure,
Conceal the moment inside it.
Vanquish the demons residing here,
Deliver me from all the tears.
Strike the foes that tear me down,
Support me when I can no longer stand.
Write me letters when you are gone,
Beg for me when I would go.
Sweep me off my tired feet,
Touch my curious blue eyes.
Teach me how the world once was,
Build it up to greater heights.
Show how things can be put to right,
Love the perfect imperfections.
End with honor pure, and valor,
Begin the way you'd like to end.


Be my wings,
For I have none.

An opaque, calming breeze
Sweeps over the harsh days--
Covering the rainbow with a
Deep wash of indigo.
There is nothing more to do,
Fate, as written, is
Accepted.
Let the hollow envelop you,
Concealed from what the pain was.

Today I feel like blue.

Transcending tunes in
Dissonant chords--
Demons hiding in the growing mist.
There's nothing left to say,
Only too many things done wrong.

Can it be shut out?
I can't see past my hand,
Let alone past the mistakes.
You left me when I fell down.
I don't blame you,
If I had the choice, I would have left myself.

I'm giving up now,
Handing my white flag to the demons--
I surrender.
I was too late when I started.

I am in a deep dark hole--
An asylum of my mind.
It's better to be locked in a room
Where no damage can be done,
Where everyone treats me as who they perceive me to be--
A ****** lunatic.
I know this isn't my rightful place,
I know I sound so childish and
Narcissistic
To say these things,
But if there is no escape from your pain,
What a better place to reside?

I scream and scream for hours
In this nightmarish dream,
Without the knowledge of the darkest secrets
Hiding in the mist of all this black.

All the while the prince tries to rescue me.

I guess it's unclear if I
Let myself be trapped or if
You have trapped me in my own
Sick state of existence.

I long for the prince's arms to be around me.

Sometimes I wonder
If I saw you again,
Would you recognize me?
Would you look and see the stars in my eyes
And still love me?
Make a wish on me
When you've seen a bolide?
I remember your blonde hair
And your childlike love.
Well,
I guess we were only children,
And then I was gone so far.
How often do you look back and see
My beaming face and
Trusting heart
Slip from view in the back of a car?

Fate has brought the broken
Friendship back together,
But do you look to see who I am,
Or do you see who I was?
I'm no longer little,
But I don't know what to expect.
I guess I'll let fate decide
What happens from here.

Alone in the dark I stand
And wait,
Arms spread as if
An eagle's fate
Hung in the balance of
Good and great.
My body grows harder
As my limbs grow taughter,
Twisted roots and leaves
Fending for a mercenary's daughter.
I stand, still waiting,
Only the wind is controlling me--
A warm breathing or
Harsh wording
Can destroy my grandeur.

If I was gone,
Would the wind lose some power?
If there was nothing to shape,
Would the wind lose its strength?

I've never fell so hard or fast,
You were my perfection.
Even if you made mistakes
To always tried to right them.
I remember you trying to replace the things stolen,
And stop the robbery from happening,
I can see you holding my hand
As I doodled on your back,
I could sense your listening ears
When I told you we should wait,
And I could hear you pounding on the door
When the nightmares were too great.

I was in an evil place,
But you taught me to live.
I do not remember it all,
But I hope I had no regrets.

In this nightmare--
The one you can't save me from,
A feeling of dark--
Nay,
I was the dark,
And I wanted to die.

I was on the verge of nothing anyway
Because They control everything.
Even if I lived like a princess,
Even if I looked like a princess,
I was nothing.
My parents were taken from me,
So was my privacy.
And I bet all the friends I made
Weren't there to set me free.
You weren't controlled--
Except by love for me.
I hope it's everlasting so
Come find me now--
I'll keep my promise,
But my nightmares are too much.

I can no longer hear you pounding at the locked metal door.

Run.
Faster!
They're catching up,
They're almost here.

Crashing through the woods--
You can hear their spies
Buzzing through the trees,
Right beside you,
Keeping up easily with your dragging.
You feel too tired to keep up with
The fast pace.

Pick up your feet.
They're on your tail!
Get up.
Run!

The spies--
Some darken the sky,
Now a hazy gray,
Their black wings overtake the slower pace.
You can hear their gleeful laughs and cries.

Don't give in.
FIGHT!
Run.

You feel your feet uselessly pulling,
They refuse to go on.
They need to!
You let yourself fail,
You can feel yourself fall from exhaustion.
The exertion was not enough.
Crash--
Fall--
Down.
There's no one here--
No one but the enemy.

No one will save you.
You didn't run fast enough.

In these poisoned days,
Arms to hold, smiles, love, comfort,
More than I could ask.

Talking with the Devil,
There's a fire in his eyes,
With a voice of cold thunder
He offers me a prize.
The snake says he can take my pain from me,
Erase all the memories.
But what would I be without the times
I was not at ease?
The clever tempter acts a gentleman,
But he continues to pull me down in slippery sin.
He lies, he lies,
I try to run from him,
But the coils wrap stronger and
I can no longer see the sun.
There's no escape today
From the one who brings misery,
So I get down on bended knee
And then I pray and plead.
Get thee hence,
Get thee out,
And Satan runs away.
I am left alone for now,
Saved by the light of grace.

Cottonwood falling,
A snow in July,
Filling the air with fluffy flakes
And covering the world with
White fuzziness.
We're riding,
Just as fast as we can,
Racing,
Stirring up the drifts
While the wind blows the avalanche closer.
I feel warm,
Being so close to you and the sun.
A warm snow--
Don't you think that's ironic?
I love the snow,
I love your heat.
My heart is going as fast as we are,
Fifty, Sixty, Seventy miles an hour.
I embrace you closer,
This thrill of a panicking soul,
It's magic.
Keep me in this illusion of a
Peaceful time.
Lift me sky high,
Let me fall in warmth like this
Snow in July.
I feel so free,
So young and bright eyed,
A naive star
In a Hollywood movie.
Let's get out of this small town,
Let's make new memories together.
I want to see the world,
I want to see the highlight,
With our song,
The one where we sing along.
Tonight,
Our love is a song,
A soundtrack to
A snow in July.
We can see the world
Together.
No need for others to ruin our
Loving silence.

I run on this lake beach,
Crunching over old bones and
My memories.
What I wanted to do,
What I wanted to feel.
I see the flat rocks,
The ones I wanted to skip so badly,
I just didn't know how.
I never could.
I thought you could teach me then
Smile remembering you--
Then stop.
The words you said were too much.
I want to collapse next to
The pile of rocks
And cry.
But I continue onward
Hoping.
Wondering when I will meet the boy
Who can teach me the secret of
Defying gravity.

Don't leave.
I'm desperate for you to hear my secrets.
You can't imagine what I've been through.
You don't know about the tears
That cascaded down my
Rosy cheeks,
But you also don't know how I feel
When I'm with you.
Have I told you how
The roses long to be cradled by
The western wind?
Hold me fast while the breeze turns harsh
And cold.
Take my hand and my heart,
Dance with me endlessly.
We could be the shadows on the walls.
Treasure me:
I am fragile and breakable.
The earthquakes tear this soul apart.
I keep trying to hide behind glass and makeup.
Is it working?
Can you see who I really am?
Forever,
I want you to wait for me.
Find me,
Lost in the darkness.
You left me,
Was my mask too much,
Or my heart too little?

Expensive handbags,
Pensive listening,
Nothing I say is ever worth
Mentioning.
Swing on this
Hinge-- a see-saw of
Heartache
Bruised on the *** by
The frozen snake--
Never to thaw
And never to break.
Exquisite lampshades
Hide the luminous
Color,
Now a dingy
Dim of disrepair
Order.
Visit a fairytale
Where honey flows in
Waterfalls,
The smooth will soothe the
Heartless work and
Falls.
Tangled cloth again today,
Moth eaten and angled,
We ride in the dark
Convinced our little playground could save
A heart.

Crackles in the sky,
Ricocheting,
Electrifying.
Allegretto in its
Timing.
Indigo bled out,
New colors flash
Glowering.

A shriek in the house.

Stillness assumes
Till another spark
Opens the fear,
Rearing this chilling, rumbling
Music.

An endless track,
Meandering predicatively,
305 times around,
Yet never knowing what lies beyond this
Grizzled track.

Shivering,
My gray spirit presses on,
305 steps taken
Through this impenetrable fog,
Many more to go.

This bight winds on,
This way and that,
305 turns.
The speckles of this devious path
Cloud the search for meaning.

Only a breath,
Only a moment,
305 days.
Run away from the end,
Clear the path for me.

I want to tell you what I'm doing right now,
I miss the feeling you give me when you are around,
And how you understand me better
Than everyone else.
I want to tell you my
Mysteries,
Secrets I can't bear to
Hold on to any longer.
The dark threads of memory are slipping
From my clammy grasp.
I want to give you every poem,
So you could see my brokenness,
So you could teach me how to cope with pain.
I just don't want to spoil this feeling:
A blossoming friendship
In the heart of a rose.

I want to tell you,
But I won't.

Don't get me wrong--
I trust you.
I know you could hold a secret,
Treasure my heart.
I've already fallen for that.
Maybe it's me I need to trust more.
Maybe if I loved myself,
I would have a greater urge
To run to you,
To hide those precious moments,
So we could remember them together.
I don't think I've been in love before,
Somehow this is different
Than the other times I felt my heart
Find another friend.
Maybe you don't understand,
I know I don't,
But teach me how to get through this,
Teach me how to find love.

My feet burn hot
On the smoldering coals and ashes of
Other's sinful words and hopes.
We were made to walk this world of
Pain
With hopeful hearts and
Choice.
Will we succumb to this pain?
Will we give in?
We are not alone,
But tonight we sit by ourselves.
We are given a glass of failure.
Drinking,
Sipping and slipping to the point of no return.
Tonight I will pour the glass given me
Down the drain,
Where I hope my heart won't be.
I want to choose something more
Than bitter intoxication.
Give me trust,
Give me love,
Call me trust,
Call me love.
I will be trust,
I will be love.
I am what I need to be,
I will become who I am.

Becoming

Elegant

Around

Upholding

Trust.

­Indescribable

Fantasy

Undeniably

Lovely.




­Longing

Openness,

Virtuous

Excitement.

Why won't you respond?
Why leave me now?
The silence is deafening,
Defining what makes us.
I hope you don't hate me,
I pray to God I do you right.
There is no way to measure,
No gauge to reason with.
I promise I won't be your
Pretty Girl,
Just don't leave me to the wolves.
Gnashing their horrible fangs,
Begging for the one that will be left behind.
Will I be that one?
Is there enough
Emptiness in your heart to leave me be?
Do you want to leave?
Do you think I will stop you?
My heart is breaking at this end of our
One-sided conversation.
Does it break your heart?
I want to give up.
I want to let go.
But I can't and it's because of you.
Save me before I need
Saving.
Prevent the irrepressible
Heartbreak.
Stay with me,
Even if we are only
Friends.
You made a promise.
I thought you would keep it--
Or at least I hoped you would.
You must have forgotten.
The memory must be dust.
It was too long ago,
But promises should be eternal.
I think I love you.

Are you listening?
Sorry, I didn't mean to take so much of your time.
Sorry for everything.