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My dear Faithful Husband
I hope you know
My goal is to never take you for granted
I cherish you always
I love your scent and your smile
You make me happy
Your arms keep me warm and safe
Protected when you are near
I love you my darling dearest
With every breath I take and beyond
Just another day.

Weeks have gone by with me in this funk.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Don't know where I'm going wrong.
Waking up is worse than falling asleep.
Nightmares next to my patient husband.
Drained more than I started with.
Cannot remember what went on.
Days and days, just another day.

Just another.

Just...
Don’t try to pretend that you were in my place...
The circumstances... yours weren’t mine...
being emotionally abused by the only one i felt like i could trust
who made me think he trusted me.
being sexually assaulted and then living with that FEAR.
Constant.
Pressssssssing.
learning that my temptation to cut is a need for adrenaline,
Not a need to cut the pain away.
what does cut to the core is
After I learned all of this about myself,
You let me know
“you hurt me and everyone around you”
“your tendency to lash out prevents trust”
THIS is different than depression
Even if the symptoms are similar.
I needed to trust someone who was safe then,
But no one was emotionally available for me.
Not even you.
When you sat typing on the computer and calling me annoying.
i was crying out for help.

please don’t pretend now.
to a sister that isn’t understanding today
Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.
I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...
More than I could have asked for, more than I could ever dream...
Kisses with you,
Your hand in mine,
Kneeing with you,
Exchanging rings.
I will never give this up for anything.
I can feel your love for me, and
Wish you weren’t so far.
You, me?
I’m excited to have this forever view.

You help me bloom,
Watching movies, eating pizza,
I never want this to end.
You on one knee, and I
Happy, ecstatic, YES!!!
The pitch of a piccolo.
Forever in Sixteen.
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