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Jun 2019 · 148
♥️ > A Lifetime
I want to have courage and confidence in our marriage,
That no matter what happens, you will be there,
Beside me.

You are not the one that has made me doubt.
I've gathered the doubt from
Countless places
And years of experience.
Like mineral deposits, it will take time purge,
To chip away at the worries and anxieties.

I'm glad we've started that clean up.

I want to feel Freedom
Of always knowing you have my heart,
That your hands treasure that gift and
Keep it close.
That you will not push me away.

I want to able to take you for granted,
But to never choose to do so.
I want you to know how closely I hold you in my heart,
That I will never let you go.
I love you.
I love being your snuggle bug,
Your lover,
Your wife.
It still feels like a dream, being in my shoes,
The greatest dream I have ever dreamt.

Thank you for not fading,
For not drifting away when I wake.
I want that continued courage and confidence
That you will always be there
As you promised you would.

Forever.
I love you.
Jun 2019 · 78
Praying for an Answer
I am scared to ask.

Patience, waiting.
That is what I have learned in this trial.
The need for constant guidance.
I try to learn more of how to reach out,
Reach up!
Feeling the pain,
Agony,
Bring me to my knees.
I receive strength from Thee.
But receiving the answer I am searching for,
Waiting for,
Praying for...

Feels like too much at the moment.

How do I develop that Kind of Faith?
Sometimes I feel I have the faith of Peter,
Thinking that I can walk on the stormy sea.
Then why,
Why!
Is the answer that I want,
The answer I need,
Too hard to ask for?
I sink down into the water.
To be healed, like
The blind man,
The *****,
The woman, with an issue of blood for twelve years,
I've only waited two so far.
Will I need to wait ten more? Or greater?

I have faith that I can be healed by Thee.
But I am scared of reaching out and touching the robe of my Savior.

Maybe...
Maybe...
maybe...
I should start by praying for the courage to
ask for an answer.
For then I will have strength enough to
Ask for the answer He has for me.
May 2019 · 105
Fresh Roses
Things are better now.
My other half, my dear,
When you stay, when you hear,
I know you are with me.

I'm scared.
I don't want either of us to leave,
I would fall apart
Because I am in love with you. Forever.

I will stay here with you
As long as I am allowed to linger.
Hold me closer,
Hold me tighter,

The way that you cherish me.
May 2019 · 161
Serendipity
Smiling has never been easier because I can remember how it feels to be in your arms.
And I know you are like me:
You want to have this love forever.
I am found. :)
Old Bio
May 2019 · 122
Plea
I am the red rose on the counter
slowly wilting, rotting away.
The life inside me is vanishing,
Drifting away,
Lukewarm.
Is this depression that I'm slipping into?
Jan 2019 · 201
Letter
My dear Faithful Husband
I hope you know
My goal is to never take you for granted
I cherish you always
I love your scent and your smile
You make me happy
Your arms keep me warm and safe
Protected when you are near
I love you my darling dearest
With every breath I take and beyond
Jan 2019 · 180
Just
Just another day.

Weeks have gone by with me in this funk.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Don't know where I'm going wrong.
Waking up is worse than falling asleep.
Nightmares next to my patient husband.
Drained more than I started with.
Cannot remember what went on.
Days and days, just another day.

Just another.

Just...
Oct 2018 · 68
please dont
Don’t try to pretend that you were in my place...
The circumstances... yours weren’t mine...
being emotionally abused by the only one i felt like i could trust
who made me think he trusted me.
being sexually assaulted and then living with that FEAR.
Constant.
Pressssssssing.
learning that my temptation to cut is a need for adrenaline,
Not a need to cut the pain away.
what does cut to the core is
After I learned all of this about myself,
You let me know
“you hurt me and everyone around you”
“your tendency to lash out prevents trust”
THIS is different than depression
Even if the symptoms are similar.
I needed to trust someone who was safe then,
But no one was emotionally available for me.
Not even you.
When you sat typing on the computer and calling me annoying.
i was crying out for help.

please don’t pretend now.
to a sister that isn’t understanding today
Oct 2018 · 73
Untitled
Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.
Oct 2018 · 62
Untitled
I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...
Oct 2018 · 115
First Day of Forever
More than I could have asked for, more than I could ever dream...
Kisses with you,
Your hand in mine,
Kneeing with you,
Exchanging rings.
I will never give this up for anything.
Aug 2018 · 239
♥️
I can feel your love for me, and
Wish you weren’t so far.
You, me?
I’m excited to have this forever view.

You help me bloom,
Watching movies, eating pizza,
I never want this to end.
You on one knee, and I
Happy, ecstatic, YES!!!
The pitch of a piccolo.
Forever in Sixteen.
Aug 2018 · 130
More than a Wish
My dreams have almost become reality,
Blurring lines between what is now
And what I always wanted.
Falling asleep listening to your
Melodic voice on the phone
While you’re hundreds of miles away.
I love your rhythm, your music,
The tones, and the love I hear.
Sleeping, dreaming that your strong arms
Are around me.
Your heart beat and warm kisses
Are beyond description.
I feel if any human could love me forever,
It would be you.
Last step until living in a dream:
Marrying you.
Less than three weeks until forever :)
Concentration on the cake I was mixing
Annoyance that the doorbell rang
Frustration that security camera wasn’t working
Exasperation at who I thought was a salesman
Suprised as I pulled the door open
Confused as I stood there gazing at you
Loved as I lept into your arms
Peace.
July 14 ♥️
Thank you for the surprise my Darling
Jul 2018 · 158
Safe is Not Here
Safe is not here
With tears and snot running down my face
Down my neck
Dampening my shirt.

Safe is not here
With the person that once claimed to be
My biggest fan
In the car talking.

Safe is not here
As I try to push my thoughts away
Of the blade
On my flesh again.

Safe is not here.
Jul 2018 · 286
Tonight
Hold me tight,
My guardian,
The Angel that God sent to meet me.
Honest, gentle one,
With your warm smiles and
Caressing lips.
Will you let me have your heart forever?
Handsome Prince
The man I trust,
How can you convince me that
This isn’t a dream?

I love you.
Jul 2018 · 135
Storm
the numbness was overwhelming again.

pitter patter Then a CLAP!
I cover my eyes as
I'm overtaken.
The dark,
the pressing dark sinks in.
is there any peace in memories
Jun 2018 · 251
Only You
Right beside me,
A support,
My other half,
My crying shoulder.
You’ve been here next to me
More willingly than any human
Has before.

I trust you,
Happier in your arms than
Any other place I’ve been.
Even when the tears overtake me
Or the numbness starts to seep in.
You've been there for me and
With me
Through the pain.

You are genuinely interested,
Loving me though you know my
Deepest sadness,
Broken trust,
Worst mistakes.
I don’t know why you do,
But I am incredibly grateful
You Love me
Despite myself.

Eternity
With you
Cannot be put into
A simple wonderful.
It is more grand than
Any word ever known by mankind.
Jun 2018 · 150
Reckless
Sweet,
Sincere,
You.
but at this point all I feel are tears.

Feeling in a dark brown mood today,
Alone,
In dim shadows.

I appreciate you being here,
Standing by me. Even though
I feel as though I’ve betrayed you
By trusting you with my past.

Kind,
Gentle,
You treat me with respect.
Even now, when I feel
I should be shunned and scolded.
It would make more sense if you did,
For I already feel worthless, helpless, lost
Again. Sunk in the memories...
The memories I regret every second of.

I’m sorry I was so reckless before.

I really wish I was the angel you thought I was...
Instead of ***** shattered pieces of glass littering the street.
I’m sorry, One I love.
Jun 2018 · 408
Cafuné
Tender feelings
For the one I love most.
Waiting here,
Wondering when you will take the journey back,
Smiling because soon you will be in my arms.

Our future together.
This still is a dream,
That someone can love and care
About Me
Feels unreal.

I can feel it in the way you look at me,
The way you talk to me.
Respectful. Genuine. Honesty.
I love the way you snuggle me.

Can you hold me now?
Jun 2018 · 111
Breaker
Waves Crashing
D
o
w
n.


Then sudden silence.

The ringing in your ears continue,
Deafening cymbals
As you start to drown.

Panic ensues,
Each breath a lake full of water,
An ocean.
Like the one you suffocate in.

Feeling weak,
On the verge of giving up the struggle,
Your heavy limbs pulling you down.


One
Gulp of air.
A pause.
You continue the fight.
You are closer to land than you think.
Jun 2018 · 114
Belonging
I miss you.
I await the time that you will pick me up,
Spin me around,
Kiss my lips and make everything better.
Because you can, my Dear.
At least for a moment.
The feeling of freedom and fulfillment you give me
Is beyond,
Far greater than my
Weak words could describe.
I desire the place right next to you,
In your arms,
Where I find
Home.
Jun 2018 · 96
Tepid
Upside-down
With the feeling of blood rushing to the brain,
But numb to the pain.
Numb to feeling.
Is there anything else they can do
With their careless and thoughtless words?
As weight presses down
Their well meaning glances look poisonous.
The atmosphere becomes subdued,
Muted,
Quiet,
Silent.
Now, only indifference as
The last breath is taken
and
Jun 2018 · 103
Imminent
I am under attack.
The noises assail my mind.
Blinding my eyes and deafening my ears.
The demons have struck.
A brooding storm trapped in a sky,
A fly stuck on flypaper,
Doom is waiting to happen.
What will be the result?
As I inch forward,
I'm pulled down,
Blown across the landscape like a tumble ****.
Weak as a tumble **** is,
I
Don't want the one to be trapped
With no escape.
But slowly,
Pushed back again by the fiends
With knifes, threats, and memories,
I retreat into a corner.
"Back! Back! GO AWAY!"
But they come closer,
Laughing.
Jun 2018 · 154
Saudade
I showed you who I am.
You love me more for it.
I still don't understand how...
My world was dull, for it is hard to see color
When the light goes out.

Why is this amazing dream so hard to believe?
That someone would love me for
Who I am,
Not
Who they think I am,
Or expect me to be.

Your kind smiles buoy me up,
I thrive on the kind words you speak
To me,
And long to be in your arms again,
My knight.

but now my world feels empty again, for now.
I miss you, my love.
Jun 2018 · 178
Respect
Holding my hand with all the tenderness in the world,
Knowing that you love God more than anything,
Treating everyone with a greater measure of
Love and kindness than they have earned.
You put a smile on my face every time I hear your voice,
And make my heart flutter when you hold my hand.
I can feel your love for me, your desires, your heart,
I know you will treat me like a queen.
I'm glad you smiled when I screamed and said "Yes!
I want to be yours forever."
The future is bright and I find peace when I am in your arms.
I'm excited for our life together, Honesteyes. Less than three months :)
May 2018 · 134
Dear One
Magnificent
Is the feeling you give me.
I watch your eyes,
Your caring careful honest eyes,
Watch in fascination the awe, respect, and love evident in a single glance.
I’m as fragile as a bird in your hands,
Holding me close but not carelessly.
Tenderly.
Patiently, seeing me cry and
Being there to lift me up.
You are a refuge to me,
Home.
Smiling softly as I fall further in love with you.
Losing my breath every time I glance at you.
You are so beautiful,
Is this a dream?
I dance,
With you in my arms,
Without any music, because today and forever
I need only your song.
I hope you know,
You are wonderful.
Watch me smile as I
Melt in your deep chocolate eyes.
Your fingers trace my lips softly,
Can you feel the smile cross my lips
As my cheek is pressed against yours?
Another mental picture taken
While in eachother’s arms.
I miss holding you so closely.
Apr 2018 · 151
With You
I love being a sunrise to you,
Safe in your arms,
Holding my heart.
I will be vulnerable,
Trusting you to my core,
Giving you my secrets and smiles.
Apr 2018 · 226
Wo ai ni
Complete peace,
As I listen to your deep breathing.
I love the feeling of trust that I have
When you are next to me.
A soft smile crosses your lips when I kiss your cheek.
You make me smile,
I can see the light in your eyes,
You are the sun.

I love you.
Mar 2018 · 112
Progress
Every step forward I feel like I take two steps back,
The work I put in makes me feel so behind.

Maybe if I jump I will catch up.
Mar 2018 · 128
Formidable Castle
Northeast tower,
West side,
Top window,
Back room,
Left corner,
Under the bed,
Trapped in my own mind.

Come rescue me.
When he found me, he pick me up and held me.
I know I am starting to love you,
Honesteyes.
Mar 2018 · 217
twenty-nine
Curled up,
The brightness inside me is sick again,
Catching a cold from the words others have said,
Aching as it trembles in the
Recesses of my heart.
I try to remember your words,
Your sweet, warm, kind, loving words,
Hoping
You tell the truth,
Because I know you do.

Thank you for the words you have given me.
Mar 2018 · 133
Comforted
Incredible,
Every moment I spend with you,
I feel that I am of worth.
Reminding me of the person I want to be
And the values that I hold to.
I have never met another like you,
You are precious and
Remind others of their goodness.

Thank you my wonderful friend.
Mar 2018 · 181
I told you.
I told you.
I told you that if I showed you what's inside
You'd throw all my ugly back.
That You would toss me back
Into the chilly mud and garbage
And turn your back.
Leaving me alone,
Helpless,
Scrambling in the filth to find
What I hid and trusted you to hold.
You promised you wouldn't let go.
And I hoped! And trusted.
Oh how I trusted.
Through pain and through time
I trusted, waiting and loving you
For the brilliant man you are
And knew you could become.
Knowing if anyone could hold my heart
I would choose you,
The one I trusted most.
that's when you started to
feel how cold and heavy it is... that heart...
Ebbing away at your warmth and strength...

Oh how I wish I could have kept it hidden from you.
Poem from last October
Mar 2018 · 117
New
New
Happy,
Pure,
His little kisses are pockets of starlight in the night sky,
Or bubbles of air pointing to where the surface of the ocean is.
He is a sparkling gem,
Worth more than he knows and
Stronger than a diamond.
Long talks and kisses are
A cool gust of wind on a blistering day.

Where will this take me?
I’m terrified to let him in,
Let him see the part of me that I hate.
But I am a waterfall,
Letting my trust fall into his loyal hands,
Dropping my secrets like rain.

Am I worth the pain and cold that I tend to inflict?
He makes me believe that I am.
Mar 2018 · 109
3/21/18
Peace,
A breeze in the air,
Rain pattering down from the sky,
Painting the sidewalks a sleek grey,
Beauty in the drizzle.
Mar 2018 · 238
Ice blue
Cool, calm,
Not dangerous when
Viewed from a distance,
But unspeakable depths that will drag you
Down,
Down,
down.
Into my ratcheting currents and
Demonic tides at a depth hard to imagine.
And scenes you couldn’t imagine,
At least in my life.
I’m more and less than people think I am.
Unexpected,
Unknown,
And often invisible.
My hands are frost and
The icy mask I wear is melting into my flesh.
But I feel that mask slipping,
Collapsing to the ground and
Shattering,
Freeing the person I am.
Maybe wrong,
The frightening individual I am,
As dangerous as an iceberg,
Could be beautiful too.
Mar 2018 · 623
Daisy
The flower cared.
Too much, some would say,
Too naive, too loving and innocent.
Easily taken advantage of.
They were right.
Yet the flower didn't believe them.
She wanted to care too much.

The flower knew the snail,
A brown snail with its home on its back and a hard shell.
A shell that spiraled up to a point.
The slow sad snail that sallied its way across the garden every day.
The snail said it would be salted one day,
Or slowly baked in the sun,
Someday soon,
If it couldn’t have a bite of the flower’s pedals.

The timid, naive, caring flower
Believed that brown snail
And stood still as the snail slunk it’s way up the stem
To the precious pedals.
At first the snail was kind,
But when the days wore on and the flower grew weaker,
He hemmed and hawed and hurt the flower with his words
Complaining at the scars and hurt.
The ones that were only there because of him.
He became obsessed, demanding more,
Demanding everything.
She gave him as much as he wanted,
Begging and pleading for him to stop,
And trying not to give any more.
The flower grew weak and nearly died.
If flowers had knees she’d be weeping and trembling on them.

A gentle hand reached down and gingerly touched the crumbling flower.
The hand was worn and weathered, streaked with dirt,
A gardener's hand.
The gardener got his shovel and
Put the flower in a ***.
He watched after the flower daily,
Watering, nourishing, healing.
He did not blame the flower for attracting the snail,
His only thought was to heal and help.
He saw the potential in the flower and knew how to renew it.

She began to heal.
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Mar 2018 · 135
Today I am Gutsy
I feel like myself again
Smiling, happy,
My muses and music around me.
Have I ever been this confident before?
I actually want to stand out,
Stand apart,
Stand by myself in the glaring sunlight
While everyone notices or doesn't notice.
Ultimately it doesn't matter which one it is,
It matters that I am still
Standing.
Mar 2018 · 169
Value?
What is value?
Something you feel? Touch? Show?
I don’t feel my value tonight
As you betray my words and
Misdirected my meanings.
Why trust anymore?
It always breaks...
Everyone has broken that fragile trust of mine
That I spend so much time keeping together.
I don’t feel welcome here.
Feb 2018 · 130
Thank You
It seems I have remembered how to be happy,
A blissful foreign feeling I have forgotten for so long.
This is good,
Something great,
As I slowly fumble my way in the darkness towards the bright light of healing.
I didn't realize how dark and
brOKen I had become.
With "ok" being the only description I would use,
And a false one at that.
My lips turn up by themselves,
I dance and sing in the kitchen as silly as that sounds,
I feel comfortable in my own skin.
My words are coming back,
And that I think is the most remarkable miracle of all.
Feb 2018 · 111
Needed
Simplify, simplify, simplify,
Isn't that what the great poet told us?
To simplify our words, our loves, our meaning, our life.
Why?
Why not learn the superfluous meanings,
The constant contradiction of life?
Why add a little brown line below our words,
When we know exactly what we mean,
Our purposefully added words clarify the meaning.
Why not be the extra exclamation mark in “I can do this!!! I am made of tougher stuff!!!”
When the whole entire world is already against us,
Stop trying to change us.
Feb 2018 · 118
Broken
December,
I've already been broken before,
I didn't think you could break me more.
I will never let you see me cry.
January,
Crying will never stop,
Someone else stomped on the pieces,
I once was a vase,
Now a crushed piece of pottery.
Don't touch me, I'm sharp glass.
February,
How do you make me fall for you every second I see you?
I'm beginning to heal and mend,
And I will not push you away.

I am amazed and grateful for you, wonderful friend.
Feb 2018 · 130
This is for me, not you.
Fighting a battle in myself that has already been lost... And trying to pick up the pieces as I go.

The torment I put myself through.
Can he see it? How with his every word, every action.
I. am. the. one. to. tear. myself. apart.

long distance relationships are the pits.
i can understand that.
i lived it with you.
when will you be strong enough to really let me go..
To let me free fall and hit the pavement HARD.
It wouldn't be more damage than you've already caused me.

i blame myself for every pain you have.
i know it's my fault that you hurt yourself and then
cheated on me, to try and make yourself feel real again.

you say it didn't work. i say it's better than hanging around for me.
ill be a disappointment anyway.
Poem from January, I was broken. I am doing better now. Lost in the moment, but I've lost your moment.
Feb 2018 · 120
Bitten
Could you keep me safe and warm?
I've walked through the winter and
Picked up a case of frostbite.
I've seen it affect people's hearts,
Twisting their fears into reality as their light recedes,
Suffocated in the cold,
Like Caoimhn.
Calm Caoimhn, now chaos.
My toes are turning black, a sure sign I'm losing this fight,
Stacking up like the fights I've lost before.
My mind drifts,
Falling into this snowy drift, falling, falling,
Sleeping when there's snowflakes on my cheeks.
Turning blue in the subarctic temperatures,
I try to stay alive.
Breathing slowly, shivering,
I won't let my heart go cold,
But I still won't be safe from the frostbite.
Feb 2018 · 114
Imagining
Beautiful is something more than I can hold.
Could I hope to hold it?
This responsibility weighing heavy...
Trying to be something more than I am,
The perfected version of me.
Perfect? Not me, you...
I'm basking in something beautiful,
Drinking in the light that surrounds you.
Could I ever hope to come close to you?

Or will I stay in the shadows?
Dec 2017 · 127
Untitled
Why?
As my world falls apart,
Why does my skin crave to be
Torn apart?
Avoidance is how,
Noises I deal with,
Busy it.
Bizit,
Bull sh*.
But I don't swear.
Where is this all coming from??
I feel lost in darkness,
Blinded by a bright light,
Alone in a crowd,
Crowded in my own mind.
When will the ants crawling all over my skin leave?
I. Feel. Less. Than. Human.
Nov 2017 · 240
Honest Eyes
What's the next step in this game called love?
I seem to have forgotten.
I'm the awkward one,
Bumbling over my words and
Losing control of my smiles.
Can you see the look in my eyes?
The one that you somehow put there?
I feel like a schoolgirl with her first crush,
Dancing, singing, blushing, giggling.
Step forward, step back, step forward again.
What is the next step?
Twirling around, laughing,
Then frozen. I've forgotten.
Love is a dance not a game.
Could I ask you to show me the next dance step?
:)
Nov 2017 · 167
Refrigerator
My soul feeling like chilled glass,
Forgotten in the refrigerator.
Salad dressing is a flirt,
The leftovers are temperamental,
And the ***** is too intoxicated.
I don't belong here,
Frozen in the back, the coldest part.
The mist turns to frost.
I know you've forgotten about me,
Just like that spoiled meat you found next to me
A week ago.
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