we played hide and seek by the rivers
and sometimes i would chase you

but never would you chase me
and when i asked why
you smiled because

love to you
was just a game

i'm paralyzed
my eyes hurt and i can't stop
the voices inside my head

tell me
which sense does the cure have
when i was comfortable
in my insanity

i eat but don't taste
i sleep but don't rest
i laugh but don't heal
i love but can't feel

touch me carefully
i am broken already

the morning after we broke up
my coffee became cold
untouched
as my body went numb
unloved

it was you to tell me, angels can fly
so i let myself fall for you
and as you promised, i wasn't tumbling

until you broke my heart
and then my wings

but regardless of all the pain it seems
as if to be reborn, i had to die first

i never thought
that was possible

but here i am
still trying to catch the breath
i lost when my eyes met yours

some die
looking for a hand to hold

i got your hand
in mine
and i'm dying
nevertheless

- dear therapist
what does that say
about myself

every step i take
my soul and body ache

and still
i hope
that by the end of the day

i will feel love
instead of hate
beauty
in all the pain
as if new life
rushes through my veins

because i'm human
which no longer means

i fall down
but
get up
and grow old
not
die young
to be proud
of
what i've done

it was a long way
and i took different paths
to form myself
how i am, act and love

but just as hurt
has a domino effect
so does healing

which i discovered
to be

if people were canvas
i was a blank sheet
and you were the masterpiece

'you are just like these flowers'
you said softly
pointing out the forget-me-nots to me

'not only because they're beautiful
but because they had to take the rain
and to survive every storm
to be able to grow'

nights are grateful
i live for
this dark and quiet time

maybe
i’m in love with nights because
just as their environment
is inhuman
i am either

with my head on your chest
i listen to your heartbeat
and i know i've promised
i would never get addicted

but please tell me
how i'm supposed to stop
falling for you

i swear
every time your lips meet mine
i lose it
i lose everything

it seems as if
we are our own universe
and you are and will always be
my focal point

i’ll be drawn to you
from where ever i am
i’ll be drawn directly into your arms
for you to welcome me home

currently i'm falling
but never asleep

what if
we had talked more
what if
we had tried harder
what if
we had loved purer

would i then
have been good enough?

'don't be afraid
show me your darkness'
you said
'only the light is easy to love'

they tell me
people need to belong
somewhere
but they can't tell me
why i don't feel like
i'd belong
anywhere

i guess
i am
too alien for earth,
still
too human for outer space

you tell me you love me
but when you kiss me goodbye
why do your lips
taste like you lie

i am a mess today
and i will be the same tomorrow

i drank you
as my cure

when maybe the whole time
you have been the poison

you were the first one to look at me
as if i really was someone
worth looking at

i'm happy because i know
one day my body will dissolve into its atoms
and that's when i will reach
infinity

i knew you were gone
when i suddenly felt alone in your arms

i know
you are scared
because you feel unsafe
i know
you are in pain
and that you feel misplaced

please
take my hand
and trust me

there will come a time
when you will know
what happiness felt like
there will come a time
when you will receive
the love you give to others
but most important
there will come a time
when this pain will stop
and these tears will dry

let me tell you
you will recover
from the thoughts that drown you
and from the ways
you were used to handle them
you will learn
to not think of everything
as your fault
but to find beauty
in the imperfection
and you will understand
how much you matter

let me tell you
you will be healing
as the scars
on your body and soul are fading
you will be grateful
for building up your place
in life's majestic maze
and you will become
the person you wanted to be
strong and wonderful
loving and loved
by so many others
however by yourself at first

finally
you will discover
how to put together
all the shattered pieces

you won't be perfect
and neither will you ever
want to be it again

- because now i know
i'm perfect just the way i am

because you fed my soul
it is empty now

we stopped saying goodnight
and i couldn't sleep anymore

last night i couldn't sleep
so i went outside to meet
the moon and his stars

they always seemed so far away
but they understood me so well
i asked the moon about you
and he told me
as much as it hurts
i'll have to let go

and to dry my tears he explained
'little angels can't keep walking with the devil
hand in hand'

i knew i couldn't survive you
a second time
so instead of
waiting, suffering
i left

and for once
i'm not sorry

you have eyes like rain, hair like waves
and your soul is as deep as the ocean

tell me
how can i resist
drowning in you

that night i held you
and your body felt so calm against mine
that i wondered

how you could sleep so tight
when there was a hurricane
rising right beside you

i kissed your smile
and for that one, sweet second
i swear we were infinite

i like
how space doesn't care
about me

at least
it is impossible
to disappoint
the sun

tell me
how many times may i still fail
until also you
will leave

i never learnt how to swim
yet here i am
with my head under water
and my clothes soaking wet

hoping
that the sea is more honest
with those who are willing to drown

we kissed
in the rain

and while the raindrops
were stroking my face
together with your fingers
that followed their trace

i felt a love
i’ve never felt before
a love
both so overwhelming
yet so pure

for 2018
i wished so many things
i wished
2018
would bring me joy
would bring me love
would bring me luck
and only during 2018
i understood
that a year
can't bring you
what you wished for

so this 2019
i don't wish the year to bring me something,
i wish myself
to bring it

i wish myself
to bring me a smile
whenever the world feels heavy
i wish myself
to bring me warmth
wherever i'll be at
i wish myself
to bring me love
to give to me first

i wish myself
a year
better than the last was

tonight
i'm drowning and you're drinking
you think i don't know that
you think i'm busy on my own
when actually i'm busy with you

you're drinking and you like it
the reason why we never drank together
is that you drink to enjoy
whereas i drink to forget

you live your perfect life
of which we pretend i was still a part
but in fact we both know that's not true
since you have no idea about me
and i have no idea about you

we lost us somewhere on the way
changing our childhood into being adults
our path split because you headed forward
when i was too scared to walk

now i'm drowning and you're drinking
and i know i shouldn't think of you
because you won't think of me
but oh hell,
how much do i miss the way we used to be

you left quickly, without any goodbye
but with the time i tricked my tears into a smile

night is my time
moist and silent
the only time
i feel safe enough
to let out my thoughts
these crippled beasts
that long for blood

the wind blew dust into my eyes
but i got blinded long time ago
by falling in love with you

you said your home is wherever i was
so please help me understand
why i found you in her arms

i lost myself in your eyes
but now you left
and i feel like
i am gone too

my love
please always remember
that even though i would instantly die for you
i will never live for you

your smile feels like a burning

an open flame
rising from the depths of your soul

and even if i want you more
than nothing else in this world

i still have
a paper heart

i never felt so much
healing

until today
i took a walk in the forest
and came out
taller than the trees

my therapist tells me
i should get rid of everything that's toxic in my life
however, i can't give up on you
since out of all the pain i feel
the one you cause
is the sweetest

i understand them now
those who say ignorance is bliss
because i know so many things
i just want to forget so badly

to maybe
be able to become innocent again

it is suffocating
to be surrounded
by so much happiness
and not be able
to feel it

today
we met again

my heart was pounding
against my ribcage
and i couldn't hold back
the tears

you were there
right in front of me
and i was able to see
your beauty being reflected
by the sunlight

however
i couldn't overcome our distance
and i couldn't stop my tears
when i was begging you
to come back to me
when i was telling you
how much i'm still in love
and that it's you
for whom i deeply crave

but you listened in silence
as i collapsed beside your grave