i never felt so much
healing

until today
i took a walk in the forest
and came out
taller than the trees

your smile feels like a burning

an open flame
rising from the depths of your soul

and even if i want you more
than nothing else in this world

i still have
a paper heart

i can't control my feelings
rather
my feelings control me

seemingly i am
the byproduct
of all that burning

we played hide and seek by the rivers
and sometimes i would chase you

but never would you chase me
and when i asked why
you smiled because

love to you
was just a game

i never learnt how to swim
yet here i am
with my head under water
and my clothes soaking wet

hoping
that the sea is more honest
with those who are willing to drown

i never thought
that was possible

but here i am
still trying to catch the breath
i lost when my eyes met yours

with my head on your chest
i listen to your heartbeat
and i know i've promised
i would never get addicted

but please tell me
how i'm supposed to stop
falling for you

tell me
how many times may i still fail
until also you
will leave

that night i held you
and your body felt so calm against mine
that i wondered

how you could sleep so tight
when there was a hurricane
rising right beside you

i'm paralyzed
my eyes hurt and i can't stop
the voices inside my head

tell me
which sense does the cure have
when i was comfortable
in my insanity

'don't be afraid
show me your darkness'
you said
'only the light is easy to love'

because you fed my soul
it is empty now

i kissed your smile
and for that one, sweet second
i swear we were infinite

i lost myself in your eyes
but now you left
and i feel like
i am gone too

i knew i couldn't survive you
a second time
so instead of
waiting, suffering
i left

and for once
i'm not sorry

my therapist tells me
i should get rid of everything that's toxic in my life
however, i can't give up on you
since out of all the pain i feel
the one you cause
is the sweetest

i'm happy because i know
one day my body will dissolve into its atoms
and that's when i will reach
infinity

you were the first one to look at me
as if i really was someone
worth looking at

last night i couldn't sleep
so i went outside to meet
the moon and his stars

they always seemed so far away
but they understood me so well
i asked the moon about you
and he told me
as much as it hurts
i'll have to let go

and to dry my tears he explained
'little angels can't keep walking with the devil
hand in hand'

my love
please always remember
that even though i would instantly die for you
i will never live for you

'you are just like these flowers'
you said softly
pointing out the forget-me-nots to me

'not only because they're beautiful
but because they had to take the rain
and to survive every storm
to be able to grow'

we stopped saying goodnight
and i couldn't sleep anymore

if people were canvas
i was a blank sheet
and you were the masterpiece

tonight
i'm drowning and you're drinking
you think i don't know that
you think i'm busy on my own
when actually i'm busy with you

you're drinking and you like it
the reason why we never drank together
is that you drink to enjoy
whereas i drink to forget

you live your perfect life
of which we pretend i was still a part
but in fact we both know that's not true
since you have no idea about me
and i have no idea about you

we lost us somewhere on the way
changing our childhood into being adults
our path split because you headed forward
when i was too scared to walk

now i'm drowning and you're drinking
and i know i shouldn't think of you
because you won't think of me
but oh hell,
how much do i miss the way we used to be

i swear
every time your lips meet mine
i lose it
i lose everything

it seems as if
we are our own universe
and you are and will always be
my focal point

i’ll be drawn to you
from where ever i am
i’ll be drawn directly into your arms
for you to welcome me home

you said your home is wherever i was
so please help me understand
why i found you in her arms

it was you to tell me, angels can fly
so i let myself fall for you
and as you promised, i wasn't tumbling

until you broke my heart
and then my wings

but regardless of all the pain it seems
as if to be reborn, i had to die first

currently i'm falling
but never asleep

what if
we had talked more
what if
we had tried harder
what if
we had loved purer

would i then
have been good enough?

you left quickly, without any goodbye
but with the time i tricked my tears into a smile

i understand them now
those who say ignorance is bliss
because i know so many things
i just want to forget so badly

to maybe
be able to become innocent again

i knew you were gone
when i suddenly felt alone in your arms

lately i'm so much around love
to realize that i've never been in

you have eyes like rain, hair like waves
and your soul is as deep as the ocean

tell me
how can i resist
drowning in you

i eat but don't taste
i sleep but don't rest
i laugh but don't heal
i love but can't feel

touch me carefully
i am broken already

the wind blew dust into my eyes
but i got blinded long time ago
by falling in love with you

the morning after we broke up
my coffee became cold
untouched
as my body went numb
unloved

you tell me you love me
but when you kiss me goodbye
why do your lips
taste like you lie

i am a mess today
and i will be the same tomorrow

i watched
the trees blossom and grow
after winter slowly let them go
i saw them greening
and i wondered
why everything around me
started to live again
whereas i seemed
to die once more

art
is

disruptive
destructive
irritating dismantling

it is pure chaos
within an ordered mess
it is deadly vivid
leaving me obsessed

poetry is art
art is poetry
what am i aiming for
how come i can't see
what i 'm chasing
here

breath hasten
thoughts loosen
words crafting
pen moving

this blank sheet
i fill up with my fear
nothing artistic
rather sadistic

tell me
how many poems
does my pain demand
to sometime
sound like art

today
we met again

my heart was pounding
against my ribcage
and i couldn't hold back
the tears

you were there
right in front of me
and i was able to see
your beauty being reflected
by the sunlight

however
i couldn't overcome our distance
and i couldn't stop my tears
when i was begging you
to come back to me
when i was telling you
how much i'm still in love
and that it's you
for whom i deeply crave

but you listened in silence
as i collapsed beside your grave

i drank you
as my cure

when maybe the whole time
you have been the poison

you know
i’d always fall into your arms
as if i wasn’t able to breathe
and you refilled my lungs
with the sweetest air
i ever tasted

oh
how far does my love to you
takes me

your promise said
you would be there for me
anytime
so i guess
you just happened to fly away

but tell me
how does it feel
to be so high
yet
too far away to hold me

because it feels like
you're drowning
not being able to breathe

you're drowning
but you just can't
die

it is suffocating
to be surrounded
by so much happiness
and not be able
to feel it

i know
you are scared
because you feel unsafe
i know
you are in pain
and that you feel misplaced

please
take my hand
and trust me

there will come a time
when you will know
what happiness felt like
there will come a time
when you will receive
the love you give to others
but most important
there will come a time
when this pain will stop
and these tears will dry

let me tell you
you will recover
from the thoughts that drown you
and from the ways
you were used to handle them
you will learn
to not think of everything
as your fault
but to find beauty
in the imperfection
and you will understand
how much you matter

let me tell you
you will be healing
as the scars
on your body and soul are fading
you will be grateful
for building up your place
in life's majestic maze
and you will become
the person you wanted to be
strong and wonderful
loving and loved
by so many others
however by yourself at first

finally
you will discover
how to put together
all the shattered pieces

you won't be perfect
and neither will you ever
want to be it again

- because now i know
i'm perfect just the way i am

every step i take
my soul and body ache

and still
i hope
that by the end of the day

i will feel love
instead of hate
beauty
in all the pain
as if new life
rushes through my veins

because i'm human
which no longer means

i fall down
but
get up
and grow old
not
die young
to be proud
of
what i've done

it was a long way
and i took different paths
to form myself
how i am, act and love

but just as hurt
has a domino effect
so does healing

which i discovered
to be