I haven't eaten more then gas station snacks and pizza

I haven't bought apple cider vinegar so I guess I can't shower, but I just ran out yesterday

I haven't tasted food really
I haven't changed the sheets on this bed, but I vacuumed the floor

                                               Clothes coat the carpet
                                                wrappers lie
                                                 coins accumulate
                                                  sand shifts
                                                   blood rushes
                                                    smoke disintegrates
                                          I'm just holding on
                                          I dont say I'm well
                                          I try not to drink
That's going well
                                          I try not to love
Maybe I should


I think I should

I'll be okay if you aren't here to hold me
I'll be just fine because my blood keeps me warm
I'll keep breathing if I can't feel your skin against mine, I promise
I'll be just fine
If you won't be mine


The world screeches to a grinding halt and my heart breaks again
Everything pulsing
Everything Pulsing
My blood throbs behind my eyes
Skewing my vision
Shaking my foundations
A scream, was that my voice?
A vibrato of pain and an all-encompassing dark shroud of guilty pain
I welcome thee

M83 and another sober night
I reach for her knife, but my hand stills. Can I stop the flow for mere moments?
A semblance of normality would cheer my little shaking soul.
I want to appear as a white beast with dark auras, not a dead thing by the wayside

Grasping my quivering hand, can you feel the hate?
Good night to my soul, I put you to sleep before I frighten you with songs of death

Flay you alive
one more word and you won't survive


- Eyes on fire

When do you turn to the gift at hand
the antique beat
******, no pain
the ache is gone
mind won't drift
heavy breathing cat
work was wonderful
friends connections
she wants a new lover
i don't want anything
who draws lines
who counts the hands i hold
who dares restrict me
who can tell me not to live for another
i can be in love
make love
give love
share love
they don't have to be the same person
that doesn't make me promiscuous

Have you ever spoken with someone in this deep manner? The pain clarifies, sharpening and focusing into
wait where is my mind
Delaying the spoen inevitable truth spit
*spoken
Can't type when I'm shaking with emergency

What is my image?
How do you see me?

Hippie, Emo, Rocker, Tough, Strange, Metal, Hipster, Child
Am I the words you would use to describe me?

What do you see?
What am I to you?

Am I the clothes I wear?
Am I the color of my eyes?
Am I the music I listen to, or the bands I obsess over?
Am I the games I play?
Am I the knowledge I've retained?
Am I the the breath on your neck, or the softness of my lips?

How am I doing?
Do I live up to your expectations?
When you see me, what have I done to deserve your reaction?
Am I the memories we share?
Am I the photos I take?
Am I my depression?
Am I the change in my appearance?
Am I the eloquence in my step?
Am I who you thought I was when you met me?

What do I smell like?
Are my hands cold, or are your hands warm?

Am I the weight I shed when food is tasteless?
Am I the skin that pales in winter and browns nicely in sun?
Am I the socks I don't wear?
Am I somebody's ex?
Am I alone?
Am I my sexuality?
Am I the colors in my head?

Do you remember why you started to call my name, and stopped yourself?

Am I normal?
Am I out there?
Am I somebody worth your time?

Am I hungry, or is this just a passing phase too?

What visuals do I bring to mind when you think of mewhen I cross your mind?
Do I infect you with curiousity and a taste for the Earth?

Am I beautiful when my acne is red and my makeup smudged?
Am I the sounds I make in my sleep?
Am I the faces I make in the mirror when I'm alone?
Am I the texts I send when I'm too tired to think?
Am I the shape of my silhouette?

What goes through your head at 3 am on a Wednesday?
If you could stand outside of your skin, would you approve of your own visage?

Am I the song I always sing in the shower?
Am I the voice I use when I wake up in the morning?
Am I the space I occupy?
Am I my number of days I have survived?
Am I the days I have left?
Am I my mistakes, or my successes?
Am I the people I have saved?

What stands out more, my flaws or my laughter?

Am I the food I pretend to eat, then throw away?
Am I the short white scars on my arms?
Am I the person I want to be?
Am I the debt I owe?
Am I someone you think about often?
Am I the moment we shared when it was just the two of us?
Am I the secrets I keep?
Am I going to be a mother someday?

If you spent every day with me for a year, would you grow tired of me?
If you could see the world the way I do, would it change you?
If you could sit inside my mind while I think and just observe, would you judge me?

Am I the voice I use to sing when my headphones are so loud I can't hear myself?
Am I the smile I wear when I would rather drive nails through my skin?
Am I the diseases running through my body?
Am I still alive if I don't feel a heartbeat?
Am I my blood type?
Am I the effort I put into life?
Am I meant to be this way?

If I wasn't me, would I die for me?







Am I?
Are you?

Take my bones.
Rend my flesh.
Run calloused fingertips along my smooth bare shoulder
before you
cut in deep with rusty blades
Wreck me like a *****
Internal bleeding and prolonged suffering
are far better


than my loving for another
woman

How is it I can reach out and bless everyone I touch except you

You tell me I'm enough
I'm doing well
I don't believe you

I disappointed myself again
Even if you can't see it
My bar was set higher than you set one for me
You said shoot for the moon and I shot for a Pluto that others said didn't count anyway

I could leave it all behind
pack my bags and overnight
redeye
goodbye

wind up in your arms
try to start a new
life
love a little
become greater

everything is uncertain
i could stay and grow stability
or leave and gain you
i should stay
i'm only just starting my new job
you care about my future

but what if I ignore you and
come to you
and never leave your side?

I have to get this out
off my chest before
I straighten every crooked object
offensive clutter distraction
OCD
nervous as ****
I'll pull out every hair
or tear my fingers off
If I don't figure out how to look
in your eyes
without screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I can't remember anything before you
I can't imagine anything without you
I want to live the rest of my life with you

But only if you think I'm cool
We should just **** ourselves

everyone feels sad
angry
pathetic
used
abused
confused
reused
everyone uses
abuses
drinks
delays
betrays
I haven't been through the worst of it yet
I need to toughen up
This is just passing a kidney stone
From taking everything with two grains of salt
and it will get better down the road
sweet heart sweet beloved child hunny bae
cliche
I'll cut and burn you out of my brain anyway

yet


every time somebody asks

whoa
*** happened to your arm, man?




I just
stammer

unwell

all i want is enough time
to ****** you with my silver
tongue
but the time keeps biting my back
until i edge ways I never wanted to
sleep all day
a lonely thought: someday

feed me?
you could feed me, as long as
i can stare at you with half-lidded windows
to bring you closer as you
spoon-feed me Nutella
or peanut butter
or anything
as long as it's
you on the handle

I'll drive you anywhere, baby
I just don't have a car

So I'll be your drive, everywhere baby
Think of me when you can't see
hold me close when you can't breathe
even though you're over there
and I'm still alone

Take me into the closet again
beat me with your leather book of
fallacies, conflicting messages strewn across pages
of decades
by faulted scribes, spitting glossolalia
into young children

keep the food from me, I do not need it
as I am only a child of 8
a coldness clenched my hot little body
as I drew rusty nail across pale little arm
the first time, i thought myself to be a god
your Jesus took away my sinful love
for the girl at church.
I will take it away with this nail
i tear it away
as a cold rain runs over my fire
my insides scream as my emotions numb
flightless bird am I, trapped in the nest

all I wanted was anything.

I stand small in this moment
as you lie to the school nurses about my
bruise
       but in the next I am
Tallest for my struggle.
I recall every dark night
starved and worn
barred from the world, I found solace in
a rusty nail
the neighbour's dogs
the asymmetrical patterns in the carpet
the littlest flower
because that was all I could see
from my closet
window,
and that was only when I was tall enough to reach.

And you're too tired to talk to me

Cravings for the light
my skin tinted blue
The darkness imposing
But whence my return to the light above





                       all I want is the pain and chains of below

I can't wait to get my tattoos.
I'll get the lyrics of all my favorite songs and poems
on my back
even though they say it's
not cool to get them where I can't see them
but you can admire them and trace them and read them
and kiss them
Will you lick my skin?
How do I taste, late at night
unshowered and covered in the day's breath?


If you promise to kiss every tattoo I get
I will get every inch of me inked
**Every inch

i forgot
I'm 20 now

to pick up women
and leave them gently

to avoid confrontation
and when it's necessary

to treat your acne
and wear it well anyways

to love heavy metal
and frank sinatra

to love our mother
and to disregard her opinion

i lied for you
i cried with you
we shared each moment
learning together

i will die for you
little brother

My roommate is leaving for the weekend
You and I have Fridays off
The beach is always open
But my apartment will be empty
Whatever shall we do
With this
Magnetism

We stepped past the point of no return
And still turned back
That was the last time I saw you
Whatever shall we do
With this
Ferocity

You kiss the same way I do
I'm scared and energized by your touch
What if you love the same way I do?
We'll never leave this place
Not until it looks like wartime ruins
Whatever shall we do
With this
Animal passion

Whatever shall we do
If we are both attackers
And neither of us victims
Whatever shall we do
With this place to ourselves
And nothing to interrupt us
Whatever shall we do
If both our palms are sweaty
At the thought of being alone

I mean
We can do
Whatever

Stop describing your terrible ****** encounters
I know you've had other women since I ended things with you
You're acting like you don't have magazines stashed under your bed
What, when I was with you your hand was your secret lover
And now it's not enough?

I'm so cold. I just want the affirmation of another soul's proximity
Is anyone out there?
The spinning feeling increases its tempo
The awful silence crescendos
Bring me back, bring me back
I miss the Saturday night I spent on mushrooms.
Everything was alright in the world
Anonymous carefree the world was ablaze
I convinced myself I was a fire spirit and you were a deer
I'm not addicted: I only tried it once.


All I want is a cigarette and to go back to sleep.
The world will turn without me
Your heart will be cold either way
Why and I vying for your attentions?
I tell myself I'm too antisocial
Until I have asked every single last one of my faceless friends to come get me
I guess it's alright to take some time for yourself
Is this a manifestation of grief or depression?
Is anyone out there?
I prefer the company of strangers to those who I've already become disillusioned with
Will anyone feel my gentle tugging and lend me a hand?
Just a coffee
Just a smoke
Just a walk through the warming days
Spring cleaning
I've successfully ignored your texts for long enough
I think I'll sleep with you
Not because I think that's all I'm good for.

Is it really "being used" if you're aware of it?
Am I not using you as well?
I can't decide if this will turn out well.



To you: Help.

Would you scratch my scalp
twirl brown speckled fingers
twixt ever-lightening
locks, me myself and I
we fight over you
give us a taste
of what we've sweat over

if what i want is on this
decreasingly fertile rock,
possibility of my painful
atrophy, isolated,
dissolves
into shimmers
that make me kawaii
when i check doppelganger
in silver glass
because you
shattered dreams sprinkled
iridescent on bronze ivory

glitter blush for the creature
(in some other word or two,
you're my breaking point)

I was acquainted with a raucous older man while I was still young and as impressionable as plaster-of-paris
Malleable as I was
He left a mark

And now
I watch you wearing baldness with classy elegance
and donning beards with ease, easy on my eyes
Can we fly through space safely?

I do

My stomach cries to me, begs pitifully
gurgling like a drowning old crone
I don't give a ****

my throat aches for food
my stomach and mind shout
naysayers
heavy with
the clock, she won't stop chattering
nervous tic
aching shoulder, from laying on my side
staring
waiting for
one new message
crooning songs echo
in my shallow veins
beard of dunedin
oh to stand in manufactured rain
cleanse together
hot steam breath collide with
(well)
******* scenes dance heavily
salty
sweet soapy soft silky
soaked..
i feel so alone.
what life would crawl over my skin?
what lips caress these dead eyelids?
what fingers traces these cold curves
like tree limbs next to the curb
i am living trash

but I still want to make you
wet

I screamed loudly
they measured each scream
it seemed to fit
they nodded, and clicked on my heart
following my descent
into
madness
and I replay sad violin music, and try to slow down the harmful strokes.
you
you you you
you ALL
sit by
and nod
and hem
and haw
and enjoy
the raw beauty
that are
to you
just
*******
words

But I haven't got a stitch to wear
-morrissey

RHCP, my stomach aches
i confuse what could be hunger
with weakness.
another long evening
my last smoke
went missing. my hand
shakes
violently.
I haven't slept in days.
I search for something.
Will someone catch the paper I've shredded?
My heart's blood spattered across sheepskin
skin torn asunder
hands clenched under
the table

Stop judging me and staring so critically
stare lovingly into my eyes and notice my effortless elegance

I lie when I say I don't want to be noticed.

Chuchoter à moi
sous les étoiles.
Je n'attendrai pas
Je vais continuer.
Je vais continuer.

Ne soit pas en détresse.
Venez ici.
Dépêchez-toi, mon chéri.
Nous avons beaucoup à faire.

next to me
lets not sleep
lets hurt me with your closeness and
smile

Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam,
Et lingua eius loquetur indicium.

Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem,  
Quoniqm *** probates fuerit accipient coronam vitae.

Kyrie, fons bonitatis.
Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.

O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena esse Virgo creditur.
O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena,
O castitatis lilium.

Kyrie, fons bonitatis.
Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.
  
O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena,
O castitatis lilium.

Falseness becomes you, little plastic angel
marble eyes roll, liquid sky drops of ***** coolness
never-changing
hair so fine, my heart wants to glide along your ribbons and silk like
figureskating
welts glow red on my skin as your bronzed alabaster shimmers respectably
kiss me once more; i want to taste the diamond on your lips
glitter glitter glitter
until it's time to tear away the mask
and then what are you?

Little soul - are you satisfied?
She's crying over him,
He's leaving because of her,
  You're trying to keep him here,
    And he's struggling to breathe and nobody likes to face the truth
And I should have answered the call
and I should have
Little soul little soul you're going too far
He isn't yours to sweep into the pond

Your eyes cannot see into the correct situation's panacea
evening glow, oh! so pure and whole
aeration of the dust-packed pores inside
Little soul, Little soul - no.
Don't go there
Don't wander into -
LITTLE SOUL!
I saw you open the package before the allotted date
styropeanuts, strewn cross't wooden paneled flooring
white infinity symbols, floating in rusty red blood
I told you the truth would set you free
And I warned you what it would do
Little soul.
Little soul.

Will this ever-increasing tic
obsession( fine fresh fierce)
end?
Oh dunedin
birds gossip nicely as the sixth pm drains away the daylight
like the holy cousin of rainwater, sliding into sewers and grasses
collecting in the corners, broadly shouldering
alight upon my flushing cheeks as I grin with content and turn open palms
fronds for photosynthesis- to the running sun
she hides behind a tree, throwing black shadow and navy skyshine to cover her tracks
easily distracted
stars mesmerize in redcloud manners with their fervent chimiing
and when the sun finally leaves i will not sleep by your side
but this is nothing new. so i eat hazelnut spread and honey on granola and milk
forget my nicotine withdrawal for the night
i'll smoke a bowl in order to eat dinner and sleep
without you

To have a sky that belongs to you
Ownership of blowing winds
Passion that thrives on fiery rains
Timid enough to tickle palm leaves, midmorning breeze
The Cat Lord reigns
The Gentle Bear croons
Fox Queen moon eyes over pounding rain and fragile dust and life in balance around and within

Perfect nestle
Triads and purples
Bass and tremble
Gentle

She's strong and wise and sticky fingered
She's squishy and smart and colourful and fun
She's small and quick and shiny
And she's gonna find herself in
Being free

Spinning high to Fiction, a7x. the speakers' lack of bass is thin wailing across wood floor over bare feet slapping varnish surface twisitng in maroon boxers and 90's LOVE striped tank, coffee cooling with a pound of sugar next to pretzel rods salty and orange tiger bowl
don't judge the odd hair, i shed like a retreiver

The creature feeds on special spokens, tasting the air for more she realizes the brainstorm has passed her door. Travel the day with luciferin trails as you gleam fairly in the lowlight
shower is needed on this continent as well

"And I feel like I'm losing my mind
Banging my head up against the wall
Staring at nothing 'cause I can't sleep at night
Can't make it stop, yeah I think too much
What do I do? Falling apart
I need a shock straight to my heart
No one would want to be in my shoes right now, oh"

the tears run freely
my sweat makes me feel hot and stuffed into my clothing
uncomfortable in my skin
the pain isn't helping
the smell of burnt skin and hair
baby nobody even wants me

The wonderful thoughts: pre-memory logs of Ocean Drive and ferry rides blend with wet and warm, smell of salt, shisha and Hawthorne… and you.
Every day meshed of hours, spent with you and broken glass on my palm. Old poison re-flows through a dead brain, new love for world of woes and wonderful thoughts and I can’t handle being around you with this secret thumping in my chest like an escaped orphan and it
burns.
               Oh, how you freeze and burn in my hands.
shooting stars behind my eyes, I catch them all in the jar on my cluttered shelf.
I named my lies after you, and I’m trying once in a while to be less broken and undeveloped. Music in both ears clashing waves, weave in and out of practiced thought. Pain chills and heat breaking over cold sweats and I still want you near me even if you’re just a star I burn for in orbit. Sleep now and I wish you rise fresh. Next week might might might might be the day. Just stay around?

Monkey, Climb me, I am Mother Mountain.
Crawl over my surface, climb my trees and pick my flowers.
Sleep in my shadow, lie on my face and kiss the sun.
grow as you ascend.
Stumble into my streams and praise the sky for the clear water's tickle on your hot skin.
whisper to my wind and be still: the trees respond like lost kings.
The peak shall be your glorious fulfillment and we can pray together as the sun jumps and falls over many oceans.

One by one
They walk into the sea
Hand in hand
Delivering them to me
Step by step
The children leave their homes
and you can hear their mothers bleeding dry
the eyes that ache for tenderness of youth

Innocence can fly away
To someplace warm and safe
The cold hold with make you stay
I'll be the harmony that you crave


I pull them down with heavy hands
The ocean's grip
Time makes demands

Bring them one by one to the coastal bend
Lay their pretty faces to the waves
It's amazing what deathly deep can mend
Laid to rest in water's graves

Take my hand and touch my face
I'll show a darker, liquid place
Bring the young ones to me
Deliver all my children to the sea

i FILL MY HEAD WITH MUSIC AND IMAGES AND FUNNY THOUGHTS AND i SHUT IT DOWN AND i FIRE IT UP AGAIN

I sleep and I sleep and I sleep and I sleep
and I eat
when the music dies I don't move at all
when the music dies my pistons stop firing
when the music dies, so does my ambition
my distraction
my pain is not fresh is not new is not real
my love is not fresh is not new is not real
my faith is not fresh is not new is not real
everything because they told us to
everything because they told us to
I touch myself for no other reason then to calm the waters
and sleep
I don't think I don't think I don't think
I work for food so I can keep the gears turning so I can keep dry eyes burning so I can keep lungs churning so I can dry eyes watering so I can keep these lungs filling with smoke so I can sleep so I can work so I can eat so I can work so I can buy so I can cry

I don't know what to do or how to handle these feelings
Then I get an apathetic streak
I treat everything with such indifference
And then I just feel pain.

I see others constant updates on how many pills they want to take.
But I feel like this is so beyond me.
Where am I?

my chest
as I come down from the vivid high
and sink back into my concrete shoes
and forget the hunger I had for
life
and anything
even food, but now
I feel the pain
return
as I recall
getting into the car
the was no space, so she let me sit
on her lap
and she doesn't let anyone hug or
touch her
I invaded her space, for a time
then she was silently
alright with me.
But she mentioned I gained weight
and how much her legs hurt
15 pounds
i wanted to cry out
i never feel this way
but the drugs have worn off
my pains have returned
my aches, my deep wounds
emotion and memories
and the little ***** who lives in my left breast and steals my energy and
                                                        sanit­y
either way
that's all i remember
and I'm never going to eat again

Well I don't know how it happened
You just forgot, I guess

The pain receded
I kept breathing
And now...
I wish I hadn't seen that

It hurts to see you function
I hate to watch you love
...
I really hate to watch you love.


I wish you hadn't kissed me
In the wind
Genuine surprise coursing through my veins
I thought those sort of kisses were myths, all
My heart might have stopped

I wish you hadn't let me in
Serenades and rusty blades
Dreams and phone calls
Roller coasters and secret beer

The similarities bring me down
Why can't my soul mate stay my friend?

I hate the way you make me love you.
Every word, I miss the drawl
I used to talk that way.
My twangy southern voice has left and so has my love of spontaneity
You've wrecked it all

All I have is
Anger for your smile


Exploration
You touched my bones



Leave me alone.

Darling I know you run faster
Don't give in now
Let's beat this disaster
They'll never catch us
Breathing is such a simple rhythm
Match your pace to the the beating of your heart
Do us a favor and don't look back, now
You can run faster
You can run faster
I won't go on without you
No, I can't just leave you
Get back on your feet this is no time for games
You still have strength
I can carry you
NO
Don't stop breathing!
They're close now, but we can still make it
You have so much to live for
Stop crying
What do you mean by "I'll see you again someday"
We have so much to see
I'm not going anywhere without you
I'll stay here
The end is close but please just get up
They're almost upon us
Please, we can still get away
We can-

All of my Facebook "friends"
are asleep
I honestly have nobody I can talk to
Will someone please talk to me