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lila Apr 29
it started off innocent enough
i heard the jokes
stage whispered into eager ears
and the muffled laughter
that inevitably follows
i felt every syllable
claw their way down my throat
i’ve been trying to reach them ever since

i admit this to you
in a body that buries bones
the dull corners not enough
to trigger your concern
no one looks at me and sees empty

seventh grade, twelve years old
i began skipping lunch
because i didn’t need it anyway
4 years later and
i guess i still don’t
this was my first venture
into restriction fueled by insecurity
because with a body like this
no one could ever love me

it’s so easy to say
i already ate
if i word it just right
no one asks questions when i disguise
my madness as magic
step right up! come and see
this body, the greatest freak show on earth
and i’ve mastered every trick in the book
so easy it is now
to conceal the dark magic
while i showcase the light

watch!
i’ll swallow blades and fire
and nothing else
i’ll regurgitate miles of handkerchiefs
in front of your very eyes
so you don’t notice what comes up after

the slight of hand
was the hardest to master
but now i perform it with ease
i can make this food disappear
before you even notice it was there
palm it in my hand
hide it in my napkin
bury it in the trash
where you'll never see it again
aren't you mystified by the unknown?

nothing can beat my greatest trick of all
a necromantic resurrection
of a dead thing
a zombie now walks
among the living
the parasite finally killed the body
it possessed

it latched onto my brain
thrived on my detriment
took and took and took
until there was nothing left of me
i was consumed by something
that was consuming me
this thing
that i've grasped onto for control
has grasped onto me
i've been reduced to nothing more
than my efforts to reduce myself
the parasite becomes the host

i heard the comments
and took them as compliments
gasoline poured onto an open flame
that i can't seem to put out
i thought this fire would extinguish
as the comments morphed to concerns
but that only made it burn brighter
and i'm not sure
how much longer
i can take this heat
shattered porcelain is still beautiful right?

piece me back together
but i'll never be the same
spiderweb fractures across
fragile skin may never fade
but maybe weeds
can still sprout through
i can paint daisy chains across my scars
and roses in the hollows of my collarbones
wildflowers grow
from the inside out
through the cracks in my flesh
and in the valleys between each rib
slow and steady
up my throat until i choke
but that's okay because
at least it wasn't food
i'll swallow bouquets
to keep my starvation in full bloom

the rumble in my stomach
became my favorite song
a national anthem
for a living hell
that brings life to these monsters
if you are what you eat
maybe i can be nothing

i dance around the word "anorexia"
like it's cursed
because i can't seem to admit
that this disease
has devoured my mind
and made every one of my thoughts its own
so i dress my words
in pretty metaphors
and tie beautiful syllables
around my sickness like a bow

but there's nothing beautiful about
hair that falls out when it's touched
and a body racked with chills
in a warm room
there's nothing beautiful about
losing everything
that matters most to you
friends, family
even the ability to have children
there's nothing beautiful
about ***** on your hair
and on your clothes
blood dripping from your nose
or that ache that lies
deep in your brittle bones

this disease is not beautiful
broken isn't beautiful
but darling
you are
4/22/2019
E Feb 4
I reach deep inside of myself
hoping to pull something out.
Tickling, teasing,
A game I like to play.
I know the risks:
Dehydration, fatigue, tooth decay, osteoporosis, anemia, hypotension, arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, death.

I roll the dice, because in this moment
I know I’d rather die than keep the Poison inside.

So, I dig, deep, into the dark,
Until I hit it: X marks the spot.
Tease it out. Force it out.
The treasure spills from the core of me.
I win.

I am emptied over and over and over again,
Until there is nothing left of the Poison and nothing left of me.
(constructive criticism welcome!)
Invocation Jan 26
And you're too tired to talk to me
I wish I had more to say to a faceless community but you're asleep next to me and I don't dare wake you. You work in the morning. It IS the morning. You've been busting *** while I sit happily on mine. How can I wake you to share these thoughts you need to hear? Sleep is my favourite comfort zone. I shan't take it away from you. Sleep blissfully my love.
Diane Aug 2017
Every time I
catch a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window I
have to check.

Legs. Still there, apparently.
Still thin even though I
ate lunch today.

Every time I
sit down on the toilet to *** I
have to check.

Tailbone. Still protrudes a little, apparently.
Still hasn’t disappeared, isn’t
buried under fat even though I
put milk in my coffee this morning.

Softly, gently
My hands explore my back, tracing up
along my spine because I
have to check.

I wonder if I look a bit like
a dinosaur illustration from a child’s encyclopaedia:
you know, the one with the triangular bump-y things
running along its back?
Stegosaurus! That’s the one!
(I had to Google it.)

I have to check.
Daisy Rae Jun 2017
Thigh gaps
Twenty laps
Too many naps
I look at an apple & see
60 calories
Help me please
Get me out of this hell hole
I hate playing the "skinny role"
I lost count for today
The calculator in my brain
It's overloaded
I have to stay focused
It can't keep up with me
Maybe I should just stop eating
My hip bones gut out
Unnaturally
My cheek bones are hollow
Deadly
"Looks like you lost weight"
"You're unhealthy"
I'm glad you noticed
But the scale is my worst enemy
And the mirror tells me lies
But I continue to go by
Like a zombie
It's not a game
It's no longer a hobby
It's something very real
And this time it got me
It's dragging me down
Please, somebody stop me!
When my body arches
My backbone protrudes
You can count my ribs
As if they might go through
They're right when they say all I am is
Skin & bones
You should have seen my chart
All my body fat was gone
It dipped down to the lowest line
108 to 82
All those pounds that I had to lose
Just to have the perfect body
But to lose myself in the process
It wasn't worth the upset
That I brought to every one around me
So for this reason they had to stop me
I used to think that doctors were the devil
But I learned that they were saviors
And without them I'd be six feet under
It was hard at first
But eventually the calculator in my head died
And the scale no longer mattered to me
And the mirrors didn't seem to scream at me
My thighs are healthy and exuberant
I no longer run because I have to but for the fun of it
I finally have energy and naps are a thing of the past
Please God I hope this time
It lasts
Because now when I look at an apple
I just see
*an apple
When I was 14 years old I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder. In the US, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from an eating disorder at some time in there life. These include anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder (BED), and other unspecified eating disorders. For various reasons, some cases are not reported, so the number could be higher. Every 62 minutes at least one person dies from some form of eating disorder. And it currently has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
You can make it out of this, this will not control you. Please get help if you suffer from an eating disorder. You are absolutely wonderful just the way you are.
~ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders)
Chrissy Cosgrove Feb 2015
strength
is the emptiness that fills

           and claws from the inside

strength
is standing on two feet

            and shaking

strength
is a spinning head

            and an empty mind

strength
is dark shadows underneath empty eyes

           and one, two, three, four ribs they see

strength
is feeling life slowly deteriorate

            and slip through bony fingers

color draining from sunken cheeks
pale skin falling away from fragile bones
shallow breaths puffing through a broken body
heavy eyelids raising against the struggle

             and seeing
Aspen Jan 2015
you offered me food and
got angry at me for declining
and you thought you were
helping by forcing me to
eat in public places and
laughing when i couldn't
and you thought you were
a riot when you were
making hundreds of
weight jokes but truth
be told i was never worse
than when i endured the
months of torture i did
when i called myself
*yours
Akemi Jun 2014
it’s hard
to hear you
brushing against
sleeves so thin

empty bites
ringing through
the silence
of wasting hips

i’m too scared
if i reach out
your frame will
dissipate

flee through skin
translucent
taking too much
...space
1:44am, June 18th 2014

I wish I knew how to help you.

Inspired by: http://wearearmsandsleepers.bandcamp.com/track/the-dying-animal
alice Jun 2014
"You're too skinny",
says my love
just as the dawn
breaks through
the window shades.

The seconds
turn into sobs.
With every tear
another bone
protrudes.

All:
cheekbones,
hipbones
and ribs.
My rings
slip off my fingers,
jeans slide down,
the numbers
on the scale
decrease;
these moments,
a triumph.

There's no
stopping her,
no turning away.
She's taken over;
demanding:
SMALLER THAN SMALL.

I answer with:
obsession,
body checking;
an overpowering
need
to be weightless.

I close the door
on him
and the silly ideas
of getting well.
Turning to her,
we hold fragile hands;
I whisper,

"Together, till the end."
All my habits are personified. Nervosa is a close, long-standing friend of mine.

— The End —