I’m beginning to forget the difference between your body and mine
hold me close to your sunlight
you are the gentlest of all the gentle things
I love you without exception

I spend my nights in empty bed sheets
swallowing the words words I want to say
because it seems easier than admitting my fear
that no one will ever suit me quite as well as you
I dwell in all of our might've been's
until I'm drunk on all of the things you'll never hear
and my cheeks are stained with faded memories of you

Love is not giving yourself away piece by shattered piece
to convince him to feel about you what you feel for him
it is not a million misused chances for the stubborn hope that the pretty words you write will make him want to stay
it is not allowing him to treat your body like a hotel, to come and go in his own pleasure
because he knows better than to think there will come a day where you may have changed the locks
love is not an inexhaustible cycle of sleepless nights
spent wondering what variant of himself he may show you tomorrow
if he shows you one at all
love is not stripping yourself of all the armor you put on to shield away all of his demons
his lips may taste like honey but baby they burnt your skin
and he is already painting her the pictures you thought were only meant for you

I am not for everyone and that is okay
but how dare you see a fraction of me and mistake it for the whole
I am not a few raindrops I am a hurricane
a meteorite blinding your eyes- illuminating through the empty night
I am volcanoes aching to erupt & a mystery you could spend the rest of your hours wanting to unravel
black coffee at 5 am, a bittneress you'll get addicted to
I belong to myself- no one's baby and my own hand to hold
the storm inside me will always drown out your whispers
and you will keep searching for the reason why I'm unscathed
your judgement is clouded and I was never one for explanations

the last time we talked I felt the pity in your words
you look at me like you might've broke me, like you're sorry I'm so fragile
but you don't get to think of me as weak
you don't get to look at what we had and think you tore me apart
not when you were the one afraid of it

how many foreigners do you have to let travel across your body
to feel the way you did before he broke you
darling they don't fit inside the holes he left
you know better than to believe this is how you forget
burn the bed sheets he laid on, the only place he ever wanted you
shred apart all of the memories until the pieces are too minuscule for your mind to replay
learn to breathe without his hand in yours
and he will feel it, when your heart stops wanting him
silently remind him you are the best thing he ever lost

your body will sting when you remember his hands
and you'll start contaminating your skin with the touch of strangers hoping all remnants left of his finger-tips fade away
self-love sounds like a foreign language since he walked away
but loving yourself is a process, long overdue
his name is not a synonym for contentment
I know there is a longing deep within your bones and it feels as though he's the only person who could satisfy it
this is your body whispering that it is time to love it back
you are allowed to lay down your weapons and give up the war with yourself

am I a terrible person
if I knew from the first night you kissed me
my messes would be too much for you
and I let you kiss me anyways
I don't know why I get so caught up in the loss of temporary people
you knew the way I looked at midnight
eyes half open
sleepy words that only make half sense
but never why the man I call my father is a stranger
or the reason I get sad in-between the silence
I knew you wouldn't understand
if I told you I'm afraid I'll become the sum of my mistakes
so I stayed silent, simple
and I let you kiss me anyways

I keep having dreams that feel like memories
and I can't distinguish the difference between the two
all I know is there's a space between us thicker than the shadows in my room
and I keep tangling my thoughts in search of ways to feel worthy of you
I wonder who you're holding tonight
I wonder whose lips graze yours at 3 am while I'm trying to forget you
most days, I wonder if I could strip goodbye off your tongue and replace it with apologies
as if words could ever be enough to clean the mess we made

what are thoughts and prayers without exertion
give me a guideline on how to hide from a stranger
shooting up a grocery store
but ignore the warning signs of a mass shooter
buy me a bulletproof vest to send my child to school in
because we care more about the right to own a gun than the right to protect innocents
this is not about what the rights are for, but for what they are being utilized
we cannot have compassion for the wounded without outrage for the wound itself
we cannot be okay with avoidable tragedies for the sake of pride

yes, I believe that forgiveness should be given freely
the shedding of unnecessary hatred and the burdens that were never yours to carry
but don't allow the kindness within you to be exploited
you are gentle but you are not feeble
you have full permission to claim your boundaries
to take back your space as your own
disentangle your thinking that loving what hurts you is anything more than self-hatred

I want you to learn about forgiveness
I want you to tell your mother you know she didn't mean to project all of her emotions on you
that she was only your age when she had you and you are still learning too
tell her that you love her, that the best parts of you came from her
I want you to call your dad
I know hearing his voice makes you clench your fists
I know your muscles still hate him even when your heart says you don't
tell him the way his absence had you crying on your bathroom floor before you knew what a panic attack was
tell him the reasons why you blame him for the way you love
then tell him you forgive him
you forgive him even though he never asked you to, you forgive him for yourself
I want you to make a list of every person that's ever wronged you
I want you to burn it and I want you to wish them well
the kind of love you've found, pure and warm
there is no room for resentment in a heart like yours
and then I want you to forgive yourself
even if you feel like you don't deserve it
be gentle with your mind, give yourself a place to rest
you are doing far better than you think

I know there are nights when ghosts of your past try to creep their way in
their whispers echo until your hands begin to shake
and you’re haunted by the pictures of past mistakes
you are so much more than the thoughts that claim you
maybe you don’t miss that part of your life
but it doesn’t mean it was a loss
forgive yourself for the days you felt unworthy
and for the way you reacted to the pain
you are more than the mistakes you’ve made

take the time you need to find yourself
I know that love seems impossible when you're hurting
and I know I still have things to learn and wounds to heal
I will think of you in the in-between
I'll pray that what is meant for me will never be lost

I lost myself somewhere in-between our ending and all of the might've been's
I wanted it to be you
the kind of love that was always more forest fire than fairytale
and all I know is you left me someplace in the middle of "I miss you" and "I need space"
I fell into your hesitation because it was all I had left

when my infatuation dims
midnight conversations
fade into radio silence
I'm sorry for making you my muse
you look at me in ways I always wanted someone to
and in another life I'd love you the way I should
my weakness is I've only ever held on to unrequited love
and I'm not sure I know how to let someone stay
consistency intimidates me
maybe heartache is more of a friend than I'd like to admit

the skies are blue here
laces of red & I'm reminded of you
whoever, wherever you are
I hope you are okay
I hope you are thinking of me
& I hope the skies are blue where you are, too

I want to be a greeter to the new seasons
to allow the new love, new sunrises and sunsets
the moon looks different from here
I gave away the old shirts and kissed the new lips and let the old worries stay awhile
change is the only thing we're promised
I made my old bed in a new room and danced in the kitchen in my same socks
I welcomed the softer skin and sugar-coated voice, the life that changed when I stopped looking back
everything shifts and I adjust
it's me, a new me, the same me
somehow different
somehow just as marvelous

whenever I thought of you I thought of summer
temporary feelings and short-lived love songs
the seasons took so **** long to change and God knows I did too
then the sun kept shining all September and sometimes it felt like it was shining just on me til it burnt my skin and ran me dry
summer just wouldn't stop coming back and I hate to admit how many times I did the same
but October is peaking through my windows and you haven't touched me in 25 days and I think this time I meant it

I dream of London in the fall and I dream of you
coffee breath kisses and gentle words
entertwined in silk sheets and the sounds of the city open our tired eyes
I tell you the way everyone else was just a comparison to you
and you tell me my scars are your favorite
and you trace every bruise on my body
and I whisper that I'd face all of my pain over again if it led me to you
falling for you is a work of art

you’ve always been in the back of my mind
lingering
as if somehow, someday we would find our way back to one another
I’d tell you how the years all ran together until you held me again
and timing wouldn’t decide our fate
and distance wouldn’t make much of a difference
right now you’re where you are and I’m not really sure where I am
but without it meaning too much you should know
I am never not thinking of you

I would've given anything to watch every sunset with you
and I don't know why two people in love can't do anything but destroy each other
I don't know why every time you're around poison seeps into my bloodstream
just know that in another universe, I am laying next to you
I know what it's like to adore what breaks you
I've always confused my destruction with divine intervention

Someday, when I’m older, my daydreams won’t be daydreams anymore.
The morning sun will dance across my bare skin in my third floor apartment.
Photos in film line my bedside table and life’s so sweet I hardly reach for my phone.
We dance on wooden floors to Van Morrison’s ‘tupelo honey’ and the sugar in my coffee falls short in comparison to the love we make.

you were knitted together before the world first heard your cries
and you were born whole
you were made to break barriers
never to hide behind the shadow of a man
it is time you stop trying to shrink yourself to conform to the world's ideals
you are a walking contradiction
both peaceful and wild
delicate and resilient
remind yourself you do not need his arms when you were given two of your own
do not let them burn out the flames within your soul
you belong only to yourself

you can taste the pain I swallowed on the roof of my mouth
I remember the night covering us like a blanket
and the sun shining light to all of our mistakes
I remember your shirt hanging off my shoulder
and the way it looked on another naive stranger, she wore it well
I remember the scent it carried, the scent of you and me
who am I without this longing that wears the shape of you?

I seem to bruise every thing I touch
I act on my feelings as if everyone knows what it's like to feel so much you can't think straight
please excuse the messes I make
pure intentions mixed with bad habits
I care about everything and I care about you
I just never learned how to show it without creating chaos

maybe it's for the sake of ourselves that we always remember the ending and not the beginning
memories come in flashes
and sometimes it's the nights we spent hidden from the rest of the world whispering words I never thought to write down
but mostly it's the morning when it hurt so much to look at you I had to close my eyes
and even then tears still made their way through my shut eyelids
now it's been months and I've forgotten my favorite features on your face
and I wish I could remember the night I called my best friend after leaving you because I had so many feelings I didn't know what to do with them
without remembering coming home to her crying because in the end we were too good to last

I find remnants of the dreamer I used to be in-between the mundane
twelve years old and my eyes had seen more than most will in a lifetime
but I loved with every fiber of my being
I loved the cities I'd never been to and the life I hadn't lived
and all the things I knew I was meant for with the sweetest ignorance for how to get there
you can find me underneath all the evidence of my surviving
my heart just as thirsty as the little ******* her bedroom floor

my heart has been my achilles’ heel more than a time or two
but I can’t help but be grateful that after everything, the world hasn’t been able to harden it
human nature is selfish motives
but empathy and I have become well acquainted
let my tombstone read “she was soft”
let me give love like I’ll never run out
let me be your resting place
and if you need the air in my lungs
or the organs in-between my bones I’ll give you those too
and if all I ever do is make others feel loved, that will be enough for me

you were too much like the bottom of a bottle
4 am; an hour for the lonely and the searching
my head spinning and body drowning
yet somehow alive enough to dial your number
every ring another bullet in a wound
and your prerecorded voice I knew better than my own
every bit as empty as before
yet somehow I thought you’d make me whole

I learned to stop dancing with the memory of you
to stop hoping someone else might fit in the depression your body left on my mattress
you were not my saving grace
I wake up in the morning and my sheets kiss my bare skin
the sun running across my shoulders, warmer than your hands ever felt
I am whole without you, I am whole by myself

so if I was just another body to touch to make you feel less alone
another heart to distract you from your ruins
If I was just another nonchalant goodbye
& girl who loved you more
I can be on my way knowing we were never what I thought
but if your face grew warm when I walked into a room
if I made you want to play with fire
if my kiss burnt your skin and you are still cleaning the wounds
I'll understand why I keep letting strangers feel my lips-
closing my eyes and pretending they are you
I'll know why I still have bruises the shape of your mouth
in places no one sees
even though you haven't touched me in five months
when you swore you'd never meet a girl like me again
I hope you knew you were right

someday, years from now
when you are waiting for her to come home
and your mind drifts to thoughts of me
and you like to think that I'm wandering aimlessly
drawing maps out of the past hoping they'll lead you back to me
you should know I've found a new resting place in the stability of someone else
I show him every scar and the stories behind them
and he smothers them in a kindness that cleanses every record of you
I left your memories with my shoes at his doorstep
and I stopped missing you when he welcomed the parts of me
I always had to hide from you

I've been scolded for using the word 'love' too often
throwing it away, as if it had to be secured for romantic encounters or within a length of time
like it might become tired or meaningless
but what if I am so full of love I can't help but overflow with it?
what if I've known platonic love, tender love, fervent love?

so I'll say 'I love you', only when I mean it
and I hope my abundance of it never runs dry
I hope it flows out of me effortlessly, because there will never be such thing as loving too much

I look at my mother, beautiful and alive
I look at her with wrinkles too evident for a woman of her age
telling the stories of all her misery
and I know- she only ever wanted to love and be loved
she only ever wanted to get it right
I see my grandmother, frail and full of wisdom
but tragically alone
no one to grow old with but herself and all of the stories of the men that walked away
I look around at the seventh house I've lived in
but I feel a feeling all too familiar because the same stories repeat in each one
marriages ripped to shreds and I wonder what consistency feels like
and I pray through tear-choked words that I will find a way to break this generational curse
but the truth is I'm terrified
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever lived to watch it fall apart
and I don't blame my mother for the life I've lived because I know she tried her best to make it work
to give us a stable home even if it meant sacrificing her own well-being
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever seen it end in sadness
and I don't know a man who's ever stayed

I am most happy when I don't feel the need to prove it
when there are seeds being planted in my belly and flowers blooming everywhere I touch
and my own company is enough
and if every person in the world had a negative thing to say
I'd wrap myself up in my own kind words and bury theirs with yesterday
and when it hurts- because transitions always do
I remind myself of the battles won
the regrets I shed like second skin
and the warmth I felt from the bridges I burned

how could I love myself
and hate the memories that have molded me?
my roots are planted deep beneath the earth
but petal by petal I am growing
making peace with my past
it hurts to stretch this much
but I have learned that I was made for more than just unraveling
and look at how far I’ve come, at how much I’ve survived
I’ve learned to love my dark parts even if no one else will
I’ve learned how to walk fearlessly through the fires I face even if they burn me

I've been drawing silver lines in all the words you never said
I should've read the silence as more than just comfort
you taught me that chemistry is vital
and your arms felt nice wrapped around me
but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of him
so believe me when I say I don't hate you
not even a little bit, not even at all
I hope you found in her what I wanted us to be
we both deserve the kind of love that makes our heads spin

This is how you’re going to heal.
You’re going to prolong walking away from a man you know isn’t capable of loving you in the way you deserve. You’re going to cry. And you’re going to beg. And you’re going to become a shell of a human being for someone who leaves bruises beneath your skin, not with his hands, but with the words “*****” and “insecure”.  He’s going to kick your front door down when he comes home too drunk and you’re going to pretend he’s not just like your Father. You’re going to hold his head up while he pushes you off of him to make sure he can breathe, and you’re going to look at his phone to find the name of another woman while you’re carrying him to your bed. You’re going to break. And you’re going to tell him you’re leaving while you’re secretly praying he asks you to stay. And he will, because he always does, and you’re going to leave anyway.
This is how you’re going to heal.
You’re going to bubble wrap your vases and fold your winter coats with a knot in your throat. You’re going to call your mother crying; telling her you’re coming home. You’re going to tell her and all of your friends about the peace you have now with a pit in your stomach, hoping if you repeat the words enough you’ll believe them. Peace. Peace. Peace. What he never gave you. Safe. I want to feel safe. I don’t feel safe with him or without him. I feel safer here.
This is how you’re going to heal.
You’re going to let another man touch you because maybe they’ll erase the tattoos his mouth left on your body. Maybe if you transform into the “cool” girl no one can ever hurt you. Maybe if enough people tell you you’re ****, and smart, and too good for him you’ll start to feel like you haven’t lost anything at all. The problem is it isn’t him that you lost. It’s all the little pieces of yourself you’re trying to reignite, it’s the broken parts of you that entangled with the broken parts of him. But the broken parts of you don’t hurt the people they’re supposed to love. And another man’s hands aren’t going to rip into your skin and put stitches in the places you let him in. So you’re going to be lonely. And this is how you’re going to heal.
You’re going to fall back into him, maybe more than once. Because when you’re not with him you’re romanticizing him and that’s a habit harder to break than you originally thought. Because you’ll see him, and he’ll feel so good. In the middle of all his longing, in the way he looks at you. And then he’ll yell at you and curse at you and you’ll realize he hasn’t changed at all. He’s not going to change. Men like that don’t change. It’s okay that it took you longer than you hoped to figure this out. This time might hurt more than the first. It’s the release of hope, the release of the last sliver of you that thought there might be a life where you work out. There’s not. This is heartbreak. And it is raw and real and ugly and it feels like your bones are breaking with no one watching.
This is how you’re going to heal.
You’re going to be alone and it is going to feel like coming up for air. You’re going to listen to the music you used to love and write words that slowly heal you. You’re going to find pieces of yourself you had buried to appease him. You’re going to light candles in your bedroom and fall asleep without wondering what bed he lies in. And in time you’ll realize you hardly think of him at all. The bitterness within you quietly releases itself as you realize his inability to love you well has nothing to do with your worthiness, and everything to do with the demons within him he refuses to face. You cannot heal someone that doesn’t want to be healed. You cannot love someone into becoming the potential you see in them. And that is okay.
This is how you’re going to heal.

you have to learn to outgrow things without it breaking you
you'll revisit memories and places like old friends
and the most beautiful thing will be the way you've changed, when other things have stayed the same
certain pieces of your life are only meant for seasons
certain people, too
there's a melancholy beauty in walking away
let them go, with a soft kind of ruthlessness
endings don't have to be tragedies

I feel most myself when I am loving you
strawberry seeds on the top of your tongue and I’ve never tasted anyone so sweet
we are made of the same skin
and I don’t worry that in another life I may not have found you, for our hiding places are the same

two years since you and I am still in the habit of falling in love with the idea of people
still in the habit of giving too much and thinking too little about the consequences
I wonder if I am tragically sentenced to unrequited love
and terrible timing
and wanting to fix people who never admit to being broken
I don't miss you anymore
or him
or anyone else I used to think I couldn't breathe without
I've just only ever known to associate love with suffering
and I'm afraid of feeling the same pain with different people for the rest of my life

there are people that only come to teach you about loss
words that I swore sounded like promises only meant to be fleeting
because you showed me everything I wanted
and became something I had to let go
and you made the future sound so pretty with no intention of seeing it
and you crossed borders and oceans and concrete walls to get to my heart
and I took your counterfeit one and held it like glass
and I keep searching for the sun in other people forgetting how much I love the moon

unspoken words never suited me well
I’ll whisper the reasons I’d like to see you in the morning,
mostly for the way the sunlight and shadows dance across your skin
If your fingertips promise to adore more than my body in the dark
I’ll always wish to be more subtle and you’ll wonder how a broken heart could remain so open
the wounds he left when I was six never healed but I’ll let you nestle in-between them
just please don’t make me feel weak for shouting how I feel from rooftops
I’ve never known how to love with anything but all of me

I used to trace words against your skin
invisible ink pouring from my fingertips
drunk on the idea of you
as if you were ever more than a troubled boy
making messes of all your past lovers
I’m five months sober and your eyes aren’t my weakness anymore

I wore your shirt home on Tuesday
1 am and the way the street lights danced across your skin
I'm not sure if I knew you then
I'm not sure if I could picture more than present tense between us
but the present felt so nice and I liked the way your hand fit in mine
maybe I knew the entire time I was never meant for someone like you
Sunday still took me by surprise
I think you taught me you can lose someone without feeling like you've lost yourself
I think you taught me I can care for a person without it being the end of me

I think I was always running until I found you
I was infatuated with the idea of love but the real thing scared me
so I was a magnet for boys who didn't know what they wanted
and I always thought I'd find the one and confetti would fall from the sky like rain
but you crept your way in despite the differences between us
and I've never felt more at home than I do when your lips graze my cheek on Sunday morning
and there were never fireworks or symphonies but your voice is the sweetest sound
and I might ask you if you still love me on the days when the voices of my past try to creep in
but you sit with me for hours and listen to my thoughts on the world
and I never have to question, I never have to wonder
you love me in the purest way

I am forgiving myself
and aware enough to know there are pieces of me still in need of healing
and for a while I would've hesitated to let you in for the fear that I'm not good enough yet
isn't that life, though?
aren't we all just trying to find ways around our brokenness?
to wake up with love for all the fragments we haven't quite learned how to fit together?
I may not be a masterpiece yet but that doesn't make me any less of a work of art
this is your open invitation to all of the messes of me

I like to dance in the light of all the fires I started
just so the flames can wince at the sound of my laughter
just so what once burned me can see me now