Someone once told me a secret.
It was supposed to help to set me free--
but this secret has yet to reveal
what I've been hoping I would see--
All I've gained so far
is the uncanny sense of awareness
that no matter what I say or do
this secret that someone once gave me
will never lead me back to you.
And thus, the realization hits me hard--
Secrets aren't always real or true...

I think I'm starting to wake up now--
the nightmares have finally stopped
and memories of before
come flooding in--
I used to have a good life
(way back when)
before the monster came
and stole me away
from the one who loved me true
I didn't realize then
what all leaving would put us through--
I let lies and deceit
take the place of my love for you
and found out too late that I was being used
to fill his needs to spew out his hate
to be someone that he lived to abuse--
he had such charm in the beginning
making me feel like a queen, a divine love
but then when the slightest thing went wrong
he would hit, push and shove
and tear into me like an animal after his prey
and if I dared to leave afterwards
he'd always find a way
to lure me back in and beguile me again
til finally one day, beaten and bruised
I knew I couldn't let him win--
I ran far far away and started life anew
and I wanted so much to find you again
and beg forgiveness from you--
but when finally I did make that call
to let you know I was now free
you told me that it was too late--
you no longer want me.
So, I sit here now knowing above all
that this life lesson I've learned
is like the world's worst wake up call...

Love crept up on me
and knocked at my heart
and I tried hard
to open it --
but the key
broke off in the lock
and now
I helplessly watch
as love is swiftly
moving far
                                                       away
from me.

it happened so long ago
i'm not even sure anymore
just how much i remember or know
all i know for sure
is that reaching that far behind
sometimes makes me
want to lose my mind
and run off screaming
into the abyss of eternal sleep
yet even there the dreams
might find a way to creep
back into my head
and awaken me in fright--
did i ever mention
how much i hate the night?

the realization comes
my eyes are opened wide
i hear the constant drums
and lose my heart to the impending tide--
the moon pulls me
the sun shuns my heart
no one can really see
that I'm truly falling apart.

i cling to dry ground when i can
but the pull is calling
and slowly the sea takes over the land
as i drift out helplessly
my body afloat
my mind undone; taken by the sea
just let me float away
(no use in saving me)
i won't see another day
now that i'm floating free...

Seems every time I come here I see
another change to my beloved HP--
oh well, I guess I'll try to stick around
and hope my writes don't sink or drown
in this abyss of the unknown --
(which seems to be the here and now) --
I hope all my peeps are still here somehow
and hope too that everyone knows I still care
it's just so disconcerting to come here and stare
and wonder what the heck is going on here
Perhaps in time it will all become clear?# Ami

Three wishes I was given
but they were not to be used on me
I had to wish for something special
for other eyes to see--
so I wished for a rainbow to shine
on every dear family member
and friend of mine--
and then I wished for them to follow
the rainbow all the way through
and discover a *** of gold (yes, real gold!)
for them to use or hold onto--
But wish number three was the easiest of all
I wished for good health and blessings to befall
all of those I love so dear and true
and I hope you know, that these 3 wishes
are all wished for you!

Those messages you sent
to me in the dark of night
mean no more now
than they did
when we used to fight.
Just stay out of my life
and leave me alone!--
I don't want you anymore
and no, I won't come home--
I have no home
with you anymore
and I wish somehow
you'd just ignore
that we ever were a couple
for any length of time--
you hit me, you spat on me
you committed a crime
and NO, I will not take you back
and give you ONE MORE CHANCE
you see, I've already done that;
already danced that Dance--
and I don't need a repeat
of what I considered a living hell
so get the eff out of my life
and know this:
I do NOT wish you well!

Dropping to my knees in prayer to a god
who might or might not be listening--
hoping somehow the ache in my heart
will reverberate far enough along
as my tears are streaming, glistening
and find their way through
the silent waves of grief and worry
that envelop and grip my heart
to find god's undivided attention
for just a moment or two--
"dear god, I beg of you--
stop all the pain that has its clutches
upon many of our throats in this land
and swipe away all tears
with your mighty hand
and please, please if you can see through
to the core of me now
do the magic that they say you can do
and heal not just myself
but the many many others too
who are in pain, bereft and alone,
who are in dire need of your love, in need of You."
Amen.

Time hides from me anymore--
          I tried to invite it to stay
I've double locked the door
          so it won't get away--
but still, it eludes me
          and I keep wishing it would just come
and set me free...
           I'm beginning to feel
that time has no time
           for the likes of me.

Of all the voices in my head,
yours is the only one
I keep hidden
under my bed...
and if you're wondering why
listen sometime to how you sound--
it's as if butterflies are speaking
as they fly
your voice soft as the flutter of their wings
as they go peacefully by
and whenever I get scared at night
I just think of you
and imagine that your voice
will surely get me through
til morning brings me back the light...

How did it happen?
How did every human being
on the planet
become so broken,
so ill equipped to deal
with the realities of life?
How did it happen?
What turned me into one
who cannot fathom bliss
one who cannot see even a sliver of light
on a dark, cloud filled day?
How did it happen?
I look everywhere for just ONE,
just one positive, caring soul
who has FAITH in this world
that mankind will not consume me
and all else that lives
upon this earth of ours.
How did it happen?
No where is there relief
from pain, from fright, from inhumanity
and cruelty of heart--
all I see anymore is hate and fear
and a collected effort
to simply destroy all.
How did it happen?
by Ami Shae

hiding inside the darkness
peering out into the light
only to find
that my soul hates the bright--
too much to comprehend
too much to grasp
the dark seems safer for me
and I keep wanting just to clasp
its safety and its comfort
for darkness brings only quiet
and light brings all the sound
'make it stop!', my inner voice screams
as I fall in a heap onto the cold, hard ground...

If upon awakening
you happen to call out my name
and get no answer
it's because
Nothing,
Absolutely Nothing
ever stays the same...

upon awakening
from the abyss
of my darkest dreams
I did my best
to stifle my inner screams...

Always there are moments in time
whenever you wish you could rewind
take away those moments from fact,
from your memory--
relive them in the way
you'd wished them to be--
but reality sets in
and you have to realize
that no matter how many times
you tell yourself the lies,
you have to live the truth,
the stark reality
that is borne of now
and what is simply meant
to be.
But always there are those moments in time
when you ache to take away
what is meant to be
and turn it into something
that will not just help,
but set your life, your soul
completely free...

The pain that came crashing down
landing on top of me this day
was one that I cannot fathom
ever going away.

It hurts.

Hearts shatter
does it even matter?

It hurts.

Pain lives on
Will it ever be done?

It hurts.

My voice breaks with tears
when I look back
to see the wasted years.

It hurts.

And still, like a warrior
my heart struggles
to move on.

But still...

It hurts.

Sometimes it's almost frightening,
daunting
to come here and see
all the beautiful poems,
all the poets
who are so much better
than me...
I have so much admiration
so much awe
that sometimes I wonder
why I try to write at all,
but now and then
I'll come back here
and do my best to pen, to write
and hope I can overcome
my sense of fright...

Time's embrace has captured me
held me captive
where none can see
the bonds, the scars, the pain I feel--
but me and TIME both know
that it's all too real
and some day soon
I might escape to freedom again
away from this misfortune and doom
of an empty and dreadfully ink-less pen.#

Walked along a dusty dirt road
hoping to find a place
where I could just unload
this heavy burden of grief
that weighs down on me
and before long
I found myself
perched under a huge shade tree--
the wind blew strong
tossing the branches and leaves about
and I kept hoping somehow
this tree so huge and stout
would look inside of me
and somehow help
to just set me free.

Trees know far more
than we humans do, you know--
so often trees stand tall and proud
and continue to leaf out and grow
while we humans stupidly
continue to destroy and wreck the land
and all the while the trees
just keep standing so proud and grand
--so is it any wonder that I dare
to hope this huge tree will help
that it will somehow care
about all the burdens I carry now?
I suppose it's too much to ask
of this sacred gift of nature right now...

I keep hoping the day will come
that all mankind will live as one.
I can't stop hoping, can you?
Somehow we have to make it true--
that love really does make the world go round
(I just hope it happens before we all drown).
I keep hoping the day will come
that all mankind will live as ONE.

Even though life seems to be teaching me
sometimes I wonder if ever
I will truly and without doubt
feel like I am really free...

                                        (for you see, sometimes
                                        the fears, the nightmares
                                        come back in the dark of night
                                        and I lay there shivering with absolute fright!)
                  
and then I think if I close my eyes tight
they (the monsters in my head)
will not be able to see
just how much they're frightening me--
but still, the darkness lurks
at the end of every single day
and I have to manage somehow
to keep the fears/monsters/my pain at bay...

                                         So, even though life seems to be teaching me
                                         sometimes I wonder if ever
                                         I will truly and without doubt
                                         feel like I am really free...

I couldn't help it.
I saw the open door
saw you were asleep
grabbed my clothes
from off the floor
and tried hard not
to weep
as I took my leave
trying so hard
not to look back
at you there
wondering why
I should even care--
but knowing the truth
will always follow me--
I cannot love you
or care or stay ever--
I have to be free.
So I hurriedly dressed
and quietly took my leave
and I ran,
yes, I ran
and left you to grieve
and wonder why--
but better to have you wondering
than you having to watch
as I slowly die...

Sometimes whenever my heart is laden down
                                            with all the sadness that surrounds
                  our globe, our hearts, our minds and souls
I have to wonder if heaven really knows
                                            how much we humans ache to be free
of all the seemingly unending misery?#

the hour is late and upon the wall
i see words written in some
other worldly scrawl
and a part of me knows
I should probably be afraid
yet the only fear I have
is being swayed
to the side of the darkened gloom
that seems to penetrate
every corner of my room
and though I know
the morning will bring the light
it doesn't help me
while I'm here
in this blackened night--
peering at the writing on the wall
which is etched
in some other worldly scrawl
and finally I am able to decipher
and clearly read what is written there:
*"Those who sleep here
must become aware
that when the night grows dim
and light shines through--
there will be death and horror
lying in wait for you."

If ever I stumble upon your soul
I will find a way to let you know
and I'll do my best to give it to you
so that you and your soul can travel through
this crazy life united as one--
as a souless life seems (somehow) so undone...

It's the waiting
the not knowing
the uncertainty
and fear...

but it's the moments
when the waiting is over
that keep me coming back
year after year...

The iciness of his words
couldn't have hurt more
had he taken the icicle from
the overhang of my roof
and stabbed me
clean through to
this heart of mine.

Rigid and unforgiving
his breath spewed from his tongued mouth
forcing me to step back and wince
for so often the stench he breathes
brings harm to my soul
and wrecks havoc on the pieces of me
that once were whole.

'Tis only a memory now--
but still,
late at night
it comes back,
haunting me
taunting my senses
making me feel
as though
I should flee--
but where to go?
who to turn to now?
he's locked away--
but still...
those words, his evil
has a grip on me
somehow...

spent and worn and
tattered and torn
is what i feel
this particular day.
i hope and wish
and mourn
that my muse
has temporarily
gone away...
wondering when
if ever (I hope)
i will feel like
writing it all out
once again
hoping soon
my words will come back
and that the silence
and darkness
will not win.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep
I'll find that on the morrow
I will still be alive
and can wash this nightmare
from my soul
and begin anew--
I keep thinking...
perhaps in the morning
I can just let it all go...
morning comes in only an hour or two...

I dove in head first--
didn't think about it
let the huge bubble
around me burst--
ignored the warning signs
of shallow water all around
not the least fearful
of landing on the ground
instead of the murky, watery sea--
but the ground came fast
and slammed right into me--
still I got my *** right back up again
and climbed that huge ladder
all determined to be the one to win
and jumped this time feet first--
and yep,
still made that bubble burst,
but this time I landed smack into the sea
and swam far, far away from here
seems it was finally my time to just be free!

listening to the harmony
as I walked into the forest today
I could hear the birds singing
and was so impressed
with what they had to say--
it felt like a genuine welcome
almost as if they were truly glad
to see the likes of me
and I didn't even feel alone
deep in those dense woods--
just felt so alive, so incredibly free...

I'm slowly coming to know
that I belong on this great earth of ours
and no matter what happens in life
I can lean on my amazing and magical powers
and know that as long as I stay moving ahead
and stop looking back all the time
somehow all will work out for me
and one day, yes one awesome day
things will be truly awesome and fine!

Awaiting the moment
when peace will return
when somehow
my mind, my body
will learn
that this life is not
my enemy
but instead
my vessel
for finding my way.

Forgive my ineptness
at showing my true self
Sometimes my heart gets placed
                                                          ­        alone
                                              on a shelf
and stays there waiting to be found
by someone who truly wants me around.
And if by chance
no one claims my heart
or truly wants me
(even a small part)
I'll just leave my heart
                                                           ­      alone
                                        on that shelf
and wait for someone to see
that surely there is love waiting
somewhere out there (for me?)

So unlike me.
I stepped on toes today--
didn't mean to,
but I couldn't help it
when they asked me
what I had to say--
I simply replied
that if things were up to me,
I'd set this whole **** world on fire
and send a note to god above
to start all over
and this time fill it with REAL LOVE--
no hate and no mean, unkind creatures
to rule the new, universal world
just LOVE and CARE and HOPE
should be unfurled--

and then once it all begins again
to reap the gifts of this love
and make sure love always conquers
over meanness, over sin...

Hungering for the reality of truth
to shine through another's eyes--
hungering for  acceptance of who I am
and no more deceiving lies--
hungering for just some warmth
to come shining through
hungering for someone to truly care
--is that someone YOU?