i still remember how stupid i was when i was with you.

frozen in place, i
watched you sharpen the knife
that you used to tear me apart.
nothing could have made me move.

i thought that was love.
giving up pieces of yourself.

you told me you'd always
be there waiting to catch me for when or if I was ready to fall.

i would look down
and see you with your
outstretched arms and unwavering eyesight set on me.

all this time you've been ready for me,
and so one day i jumped.
i jumped to and for only you.
and as i made my descent i looked down to see you.
and i did. see. you.

but you were running to catch someone else.
someone that was ready before me.

this was the day i had chosen to trust you with my love.
this was the day that you broke me in more ways than one.

you arrived too early and faltered and i arrived too late and shattered.

{d.f. | 11/29/17}

decadent nectar lips
begging to draw me close,
so i can taste you, honey.

{d.f.|05/30/18}

The spirit of this world is selfish.
They tell you that you're all that matters.
Only you can help yourself.
Stop for no one.
Survival of the fittest.
But haven't you stopped to think how messed up that is?
Why must we leave others behind on our endeavors?
As if we didn't have help reaching the finish line.
How stupid to rely solely on your own experience.
Haven't they told you we learn from others?
Who gave you the right to call yourself righteous?
Open your eyes and see that this world wants to destroy you thinking that 'me, myself, and I' is the only way to live.

(-DF-04/01/16-)

you used to call me every morning,
but you've stopped.
...
now, every morning, i roll over
with your arms wrapped around me
welcoming me home.

{d.f.|08/01/17}

No one understands the pain that surges through my body.
I am engulfed in flames.
And yet they laugh at me as though it's just a quirk.
As if I want to be this way.

I'm drowning and yet they tell me to swim.
Every breath is a cry of despair.
And yet they stand there breathing without a care.
As if I'm playing a game.

I thought they loved me.
These were the people I had chosen to let in.
And yet they threw away the key.
As if it didn't cost me anything.

(-DF-03/27/16-)

All I want
is to wake
next to you,
while the rain
is pouring down.

And all I ask
is to see
the sunrise
upon your face,
as you turn around
to me.

(-DF-10/10/16-)

I want to
lay next to you.

I want to
feel our hearts
beat as one.

I want to
feel your chest
rise and fall
as you breathe
me in.

I want to
feel safe
in your arms.

But I can't...
It's what I want,
not what you need.

(-DF-08/03/16-)

as i walked out the door
this morning, i felt it.

i felt the crisp in the air.
the promise of cooler days.

remembrance of things long ago forgotten.

Autumn is near.
hand me my jacket.
my season is about to begin.

{d.f. - 08/28/17}

I'm surrounded by strangers.
Walking is so hard, everything is so slow.
When did time stop?
The chains are so
heavy...
My heart is aching,
my soul is shaking,
and my mind is breaking.
When did dreaming become a job?
I'm bounded by the unknown...
The question always lingering, like a bee hive that never sleeps.
There are silent tears that escape my soul.
When will this nightmare end?
And then morning comes,
and as I open my eyes, I become aware
that the nightmare
has only begun...

(-DF-06/21/16-)

why should i wake?
only to make my bed.
cleanse my body.
eat without taste.
work myself to the bone.
be overlooked day in and day out.

grieving the loss of what was never there?
where are my answers?

no.
where is my will to live?

Don't wait around for someone to bring you flowers.
Breathe in the air that surrounds you.
Let go of the mystery they've left behind.
Clean up the broken pieces.
Mend your heart into one.

While you lay in bed turning at the thought of them
realize that they were never part of the dream.
Stop waiting for them to call you beautiful.
You already are.
There's no need for thoughtless words.

Buy the seeds, plant your flowers.
Treat them with care.
Water them with love.
And you'll see that they'll grow.

There's no need to wait for them to bring you flowers.
Next time they stop by show them your garden.

(-DF-05/27/16-)

with you,
i was constantly looking over my shoulder,
waiting for you
to catch up on our love.

I never knew you could
feel at home with someone.
Safe in someone's embrace.
And then I met you...
You didn't give me flowers,
you planted me a garden.
You didn't just tell me you
loved me, you showed me.
You didn't hurt me,
you saved me.
I was waiting for the
emptiness to engulf me,
but you came along and gave me
a safe haven.

(-DF-03/03/17-)

don’t be cruel, my love.
this world is painting
you gray
where the colors once shone
the brightest.

let’s not let this wicked
system overtake your kind soul.

you painted me when i was black and white,
so take my hand
while i restore your
lilacs, blues, and reds.

my dear, let the light
shine through.

{d.f. | 09/28/17}

You're like a smoke detector.
A smoke detector without batteries.

You're supposed to warn me, protect me, save me...
You're supposed to be there before the flames engulf me.

But a smoke detector without batteries is only there for show.
Because by the end of the blaze...

I'm already a pile of rubble.

{df - 03/16/17-}

how dare the universe take away my will to live.

There are hundreds,
Thousands,
And maybe even millions
Of people who are waiting to meet
Someone to spark within them something
Big.

Waiting to find someone to connect with.
We've lived our lives without someone to share the best and worst parts of ourselves.
We are tormented by the unknown.

Yet all we want is someone to call
our own.

(-DF-06/14/16-)

i fell in love with
the way you
so passionately
rejected me.

{d.f.|05/01/18}

i’m trying to be positive,
to see the light at the end
of the tunnel.
to believe that the best is yet
to come.

except i must not be trying hard
enough, because the darkness
always creeps in.

it finds a way.

no matter how bright the sun shines
or how blue the sky is,
my word is gray.

and i know no other way.

{d.f. | 1/11/18}

I want to walk
with you.

I want our footprints
along the ocean shore.

I want you to
look at me the way I look at you.

Except that just like those footprints,
your love for me has disappeared.

(-DF-04/304/16-)

in case i didn’t make it clear enough when i died for you.

i love you.

and that right there.
your ignorance,
nailed my c o f f i n.

I wrote you a letter.
I told you how much I cared.
How much you meant to me.
I told you I would never let go.

I wrote about my favorite memories of us.
About the way your hair falls so effortlessly to your face.
I mentioned that you made me feel happy.
That you made me feel alive.

I wrote about the ways you had changed my life.
The way we spoke to each other without pause.
How time stopped when we were together.
How the world stopped spinning for moments on end.

Except you never opened my letter...
You burned it like you burned my heart.

(-DF-06/03/16-)

i'm still trying to remember who i was before i
stopped smiling at myself in mirrors,
stopped making silly faces at kids when their parents weren't looking,
stopped looking up at the stars.

i'm still trying to understand what i've come to be, how i
started yelling at myself,
started isolating my mind,
started living in a world where i only stare at the ground.

everything just was, and then it wasn't.

{d.f. | 03/13/18}

i never knew it could be like this.
being in love simply felt like a far away dream.
just a number on my bucket list.
a splendid thing i'd never know of.

so, to be with you, is to be real.
because, with you, i've learned that this is real.
love is real.
loving myself is real.

love never felt so good.

{d.f.|02/10/18}

i know we don't speak.
and maybe that's because i'm too shy to say hello.
yet, everyday as you make your way into the room
i light up inside.
i wish i could walk up to you and just talk to you the way i've done so in my head.
but i can't.
i'm terrified of being disappointed.
what if i don't like you? what if you don't like me?
so for now i'll just be in the corner wondering what you think of,
and hoping that it's me.

{d.f. | 05/08/16}

what a gentle beat.
a melody we created.
no one has ever played me like you do.

you may have every dance.

thank you to the souls
that have an understanding
attitude.
you may not understand
my situation, my hurt, or my tears,
but that doesn’t mean you don’t try.

thank you for comforting
me with a look, a nod,
or simply a gentle silent moment.

i pray, oh how i pray, that you’ll
never know what it’s like
to hate what you see in the mirror,
to be alive but not live,
to be so tired you can’t even sleep,
to be a dying ember in a fire no one wants
to stoke,
to lose hope…

thank you to the souls that care,
for how i long to meet you.

{d.f. | 01/12/18}

Was it not love because I didn’t give my life up for you?

Were my sacrifices not enough?

Was I supposed to stand back and let you take control?

Or was it that you simply couldn’t love me the way I loved you.

The truth is, I loved you in ways you could never understand.

I would go to the ends of the earth to be with you, but you wouldn’t for me.

And so tell me, was it not love?

{df – 11/11/16-}

I've discovered
That people can slip from your grasp,
And sometimes all you can do is sit and watch.

All I wanted was to be
Your friend.
The person you'd come to.

You were supposed to be
The one.
The only one.

And yet, here we are.
Distant strangers
That never met.

(-DF-04/25/16-)

You're all I can ever think about.
Some how you made your way into my soul.
You planted in me a seed of hope.

Hope that you'd stay around.
That you would see me the way I see you.
You made me believe that happiness wan't just a myth.
That love was real.

I thought you'd never go away.
In my heart I knew you would never forget me.
In my mind I knew you would never look back.

(-DF-04/25/16-)

let me rest my head upon your shoulder while you run your fingers through my hair.
then whisper to me how i can get through this.
tell me i can fight it one more time.
tell me.
for i fear this time i won’t win.

You were
the brightest
of them all,

but you left me
darker than the
rest.

(-DF-07/31/16-)

When did everyone grow up?
These people act like they know the secrets of the universe,
but my question is...
When did I stop knowing?

Every morning
I pretend that I'm awake,
That everything is okay.

The truth is, I no longer feel alive.

And so I thought everyone felt this way...
But they don't.
They look forward to talking to their friends.
To going on vacation.
To living their everyday.

And I?
I look forward to closing my eyes.
To hoping that today will be different.
That maybe when I wake up in the morning I'll actually be awake.

When will this unnerving sadness end?
When will I feel alive?
When?

(-DF-08/24/16-)

when the dark skies were here
the words wrote themselves
from the blood pouring from my veins.

now the blue skies are here,
the hot days are now,
as a result the blood has dried up.
the words have gone with the clouds

maybe this is the time to focus on the blue skies
and not the gray skies that once were.

There was a moment in time
when I couldn't imagine my life
without you...

You were the air
that I breathed.

You meant so much
to me.

I would've never imagined
that your love wasn't real...

And as much as I miss the
memory of what we used to be,

without you, I finally feel free.

(-DF-06/20/16-)

sometimes i wonder
what you felt as i walked out
the door.

were you hoping i'd come back?
did you doubt our love?
or did it ever cross your mind to run after me?

i won't pretend to have no fault,
i was scared that we were too young to make this love last.

so by the time i had made up my mind,
i guess you had too,
my key no longer opened your door.

{d.f. | 01/23/18}

i sit here contemplating what words to use, to say:
how much i don't think about you.
how much i don't care.
how much i don't miss you anymore.

but the fact that i sat down to write about you,
that i seem to never stop,
are words enough.

{d.f. | 04/08/18}

when i tell you that i'm going to love you,
i hope you never wonder or doubt that i will love a l l of y o u.

i will love you the most
when you're falling to pieces,
when you can't stand on your own two feet,
when you h a t e me.

because i'm not signing up to love you only at your best,
but especially at your w o r s t.

love of mine, forgive me.
i wanted you all for myself,
and i kept you when you weren’t mine to keep.

here we are.
i look at you with hope, while you’ve stopped looking at me.
so just take me whole.
drown me.
rid yourself of me.

be free. be happy. be yours.

you were never mine to begin with,
i was simply a foolish soul trying to conquer the ocean.

d.f.