today my phone was on for 15 hours
and 44 minutes.
today i spent half of those 15 hours on facebook.
these days, it's the only way i can make sure You're okay
it's the only way i can see You,
and in those photos You're smiling.
it's not the smile You gave me at my first concert.
it's not the smile You gave me on christmas.
it's the happiest smile i've seen from You.
the only one where You're completely sure,
this is the way You want Your life to be.
this is it for You.
i spoke to Him,
Your heart, Your love,
Your endgame.
i get it, love dies and hearts heal,
You made sure i knew that.
You didn't need me, never wanted me.
i was never meant to be,
the metal hanger that never worked,
the blockade in front of the road
to Your dream.
You had the drugs, the men, and you had Him.
and as wonderful as He was,
as great as Your life was going,
there was always me.
i think about You. a lot.
and everything i have to say is positive,
i have the memories of You,
all Your lessons,
all Your mistakes.
i like to think about them,
i like to remember faces, and places, and all the meaningless things.
but they weren't meaningless to me,
because while You're ignoring and avoiding
i'm thinking and rushing into the fire.
i want to remember Your face.
i want to remember the smile You had.
the smile handed on a gilded platter,
but it wasn't real gold, was it?
because once the day ended, so did the happiness, and the paint chipped.
once He left, once He disappeared
without a letter, without a word,
without any warning to You,
His love, His heart,
His endgame,
You went back to bed.
