the loneliness doesn't bother me quite as much
as being alone w i t h you does.
written on jan 01, 2021 / 5:14p
when i tell you that i'm going to love you,
i hope you never wonder or doubt that i will love a l l of y o u.
i will love you the most
when you're falling to pieces,
when you can't stand on your own two feet,
when you h a t e me.
because i'm not signing up to love you only at your best,
but especially at your w o r s t.
written on jan 06, 2021/9:28p
guess who's back, back again? hope you're well.
why should i wake?
only to make my bed.
cleanse my body.
eat without taste.
work myself to the bone.
be overlooked day in and day out.
grieving the loss of what was never there?
where are my answers?
where is my will to live?
hey, what are your goals in life, big and small?
i stand with arms wide open, ready to welcome you home.
and there you are
running, running, running,
to the one that has no arms for you.
may you have the greatest love. even though that doesn't include me.
i don’t think the sadness ever goes away.
at least in my case, not for long.
right before a genuine smile
my sadness reappears with a camera
that blinds me with a flash.
“say cheese” it taunts me,
“yes, just like that.”
fake. a portrait.
and just like that once more i am engulfed
in a ravaged state of despair.
when i sit with my mother to spend a moment together
inside i die knowing that i her little girl
doesn’t want to be anymore.
but i just can’t do that to her.
despite the sadness and madness i don’t ever want to imagine her hurting because of me.
so you see this sadness that never goes away... is tearing me both ways...
so tell me where do i go from here?
not one soul
can t o u c h me the way you do.
no arms, no legs, no bodies.
just your b a b y b l u e s on me,
and i drown.
oh my word, I write love poems!? no betrayal? no heartbreak? who is she!?
let me rest my head upon your shoulder while you run your fingers through my hair.
then whisper to me how i can get through this.
tell me i can fight it one more time.
for i fear this time i won’t win.
please play with my hair.