not always a frown.
sometimes it's a smile covered
by deceitful eyes.

not always a tear.
sometimes it's making everyone
else laugh while you hide your
tears in the shower.

not always that voice
in your head telling you
that you aren't worth it.
sometimes it's a loved one
saying "I'll never leave you."

not always shown widely
but is always felt deeply
by the one who carries it.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not it’s all real
I’ve grown comfortable with the dark corners of my mind
They don’t even realize that it’s bad again
Then again I’ve learned to smile and hide the truth
Death is terrifying but also a sweet thought
When I’m alone, finally alone, I think about whether it would make a difference or not
And I do want to make a difference, honestly in death rather than life
Yet I’m still here, waiting and working.
Hoping for a better reason and that’s fading
Eventually it will all make sense
The thoughts in my mind, what’s real and what’s not real
Maybe I’ll be okay.
Maybe I won’t.
Either way I’m just floating through reality believing it’s all a dream
Madness is not just what you see on tv.
It’s everyday walking down that hallway
And not even realizing you’re actually there
It’s getting darker and yet I’m comfortable with it

I turn a page and my hoodie sleeve hitches up.

She sees the red that circles my wrist as tattooed bracelets
And suddenly her nails are cutting too
Deep into my shoulder
And suddenly her voice is a wounded gunshot in my ears
And suddenly there are tear tracks on her cheek that sizzle on my skin between the lines of my story and suddenly
I wonder whether she cries poison or is it acid? And
Suddenly I am trapped in this room because every square inch is Her and suddenly
I’m not here because someone else is pressed against the radiator with this Monster Of A Woman crying toxic waste and breathing sparks
Gripping their shoulders too tight too-tight-don’t t o u c h them you’re leaving Bruises and suddenly
I don’t know which of these people below me are the villain because
Suddenly
The one with flames instead of words is
Four gaping feet away
And the one with purple-black splashed
Where feathers would sprout has gone,
glass-eyed glacial
Unresponsive to the way salt droplets are supposed to erode ice
Not make it thicker somaybe they’re the monster
Moulded
Of the same cracking clay

‘a lonely couple makes a child out of clay, with disastrous or comical consequences’

A terracotta boy is a joke of tragic origins and suddenly
My art teacher is preaching to me that if you over-heat Clay, it will explode and
Their back is still pressed to that
Roasting radiator
And the air is still heated with residual flame from the Dragon’s blaze of words and this atmosphere is
B u r n i n g
And pottery only survives so much
Crimson before it
Splinters
And suddenly And suddenly

She’s yelling, why didn’t I think of her before doing this to myself?

my house a shambles, clutter every=where;
I know there’s beauty somewhere underneath
the half-done projects, all in disrepair - -
! I stumble on a knife with missing sheath,
my body | scored | by everyday-turned-teeth.
some days a stifling fog will manifest:
in limp fatigue, I dream a lily wreath,
again, again, the morbidly obsessed,
all • move•ment • choke • sup•pressed.

i’ve been letting the duloxetine
melt on my tongue
in the hopes of speeding up the process
of tricking my brain into quiet

like maybe the bitter taste
will let the thoughts evaporate

Thought I knew this well.
every step I had to take,
every lie--delivered smiling--I had to sell,
every mindless task, no breaks.

Thought you knew of my own created, designer hell.
watching me falter towards an imaginary goal,
watching my fibs for tells,
watching my to-do list quadruple.

I thought I knew how to quit,
how to snap out of it.
I thought you knew about it,
and how to deal with this ****.

Turns out that neither of us knows jack-squat.
And that's alright, I swear I got this, yeah I'm good, I can do it.
I hoped for you to say something, I thought you knew I was talkin' *******.
Yet, without a word, you left
me to rot.

i promise you
the pills you swallowed
couldn’t possibly have tasted
as bitter as the resentment
she must’ve felt
knowing you put your life in her hands

you could not ruin yourself
as much as you’ve ruined her

i feel very alone in these moments
where i don't know who to talk to,
don't know who's ready for me
or if there's anyone at all who is

times like these make me feel as though
i can help but not be helped and
i shouldn't complain, i'm not lonely
but i'm just feeling so lo

i tell my friends it's just my meds,
the dose just isn't quite right
but what if it's not? what if it's me
and my fear of vulnerability?

please, i don't want you to go
like all the others who came before
listened to me talk, answer their questions
then turned their back on us

i guess the weight of my problems
is part of the cause; i'll never cut
down to the root, because the mass
just sinks it further

and i guess the weight is part of the cause
they choose to sink or swim,
and away they go, fleeing fast
as i tread the water, breathing shallow

It’s fine
I’m fine
It’ll go away
All on its own
It won’t last long
Tomorrow will be better
(Tomorrow is never better)
You’ll feel better if...

C’mon
What game are you playing now?
You said this last time
Remember?
When you thought you lost your mind?
What did you say?
C’mon. Tell me.
What was your perspective on the issue?

You said,

And I quote:

“It’ll go away on its own...”




And guess what

It got so much worse.

I draw the Line in Sand.
My toes are brushing borders.
I feel compelled to forward step,
And yet I cannot cross;
The Line is as a barricade.

The Tide is creeping in
(it screams, it screams at me)
The Line is washed away
(i cannot hear it, cannot see)

It is gone.
And so I draw the Line in Sand.
This time further forward,
Always further forward,
Slow and steady,
Ever forward,
To the End I dread,
But cannot yet escape.

and then sometimes the waves come crashing in and
there is no Line – there is no Sand
and the swirling water engulfs my swirling self and steals the breath from my lungs
and irrational clarity pierces my hummingbird heart with icy claws
and in my desperation –

I draw the Line on Me
A Life Line
To keep myself from crossing.