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Haylin May 2018
People that don't self harm
Don't seem to understand it.
But I don't expect them to.

First, it hurts, A LOT.
It hurts when you first do it
And it hurts the next day.
It hurts when your long sleeves rub against it
And it hurts when you look at what you did.

Next, cuts bleed, A LOT.
At first they don't bleed,
You start cutting deeper,
Then they bleed, a lot.
It doesn't stop bleeding.

Please don't tell me to just stop.
I can't just stop.
It's so addicting.
Even though I want to stop,
I can't.

It starts out as you control it,
But then it ends up controlling you.
You want to wear short sleeves?
Think again, you can't.
You want to go swimming with friends?
Oh yeah, they'll probably think you're crazy.

Every time you do it one more time,
It becomes more and more addicting.
Just one more you think, but no.
This is the last time, but it's not.
You can't just stop.

I don't mean to hurt the people around me.
In that moment, all I can think about is
Hurting myself.
I'm sorry for hurting everyone else
While I'm hurting myself.
482 · Nov 2018
Untitled
Haylin Nov 2018
I think I am
going to **** myself.
Maybe not today,
or next week,
or even next year.
But I can feel it.
I will end my life,
on my own terms
479 · Apr 2018
DISAPPOINTMENT
Haylin Apr 2018
During every stage of life
I am a failure
Stupid,stuttering child
Always messing up
Probably never going to succeed
Pointless to try anymore
Over life as it is
In a dark place
Never anybody's first choice
Totally incompetent
Miserable
Exiting stage left
Nobody cares
Time to quit.
473 · Oct 2019
I'll Never Forget Pt 3
Haylin Oct 2019
2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out

New:
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)
)`:
469 · Dec 2018
Sometimes I wish I...
Haylin Dec 2018
Sometimes I wish I were invisible
Sometimes I wish I I didn’t care
Sometimes I wish I was stronger
Sometimes I wish I you were still here
Sometimes I wish I was younger
Sometimes I wish I was older
Sometimes I wish I was skinnier
Sometimes I wish I was prettier
Sometimes I wish I was taller
Sometimes I wish I was shorter
Sometimes I wish I better
Sometimes I wish I had confidence
Sometimes I wish I knew myself
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
Sometimes I wish I speak up
Sometimes I wish I met you sooner
Sometimes I wish I loved you more
Sometimes I wish I had more time...

Sometimes I wish I....
469 · Dec 2018
I Ignore You
Haylin Dec 2018
I ignore you because I'm sick of your foul words.
Yes, I'm aware of your intentions to hurt.
And everytime you walk by,
I turn away and act as if I were blind.
But I only do this because you hurt me so badly inside.
469 · Jan 2019
His Eyes
Haylin Jan 2019
His eyes were blue.
You could stare at them for hours and see a rainbow of colors swirling within.
His eyes were mesmerizing; getting lost in them was far too easy.
You could see the ocean in his eyes, the way they shine just like the water does as the sun sets.
You want to jump into the sea of his eyes and see the world from his point of view.
If you look into those blue eyes you’ll see a whole new world, one so beautiful and magical you never want to leave.
So you never look into them, to begin with.
All you see is that his eyes are blue, for if you look any deeper you will drown.
463 · Apr 2018
Another Love Triangle
Haylin Apr 2018
He used to love you before,
but not anymore.
he replaced you with your best friend,
this proves that you're love has already end.

But don't worry we say,
because you'll find "true" love one day.
maybe in an unusual way,
and you will find a way to make him pay.

Though you still love him,
the future could be dim.
when you were together he starts to forget.
later in life you will make him regret.

you want him back because of your first kiss,
but you should always remember this,
that you must do your part,
so that till death do you both part.
462 · Apr 2019
Lost Friend
Haylin Apr 2019
The worst part of losing someone is feeling them slip away.

Knowing that they would rather be doing anything else, than be with you.

Knowing that you're nothing but a weight, holding them back.
Knowing that you aren't enough.

But maybe you shouldn't have fooled yourself like that.

When have you ever been?
460 · Mar 2018
Guy Bestfriend
Haylin Mar 2018
They say it's impossible to not fall in love with your guy bestfriend. Well I've been friends for 10 years and never fell in love with him.
So you can be friends with out falling in love.
But I don't know what I would do with out him. I never want to lose him. So I thank him.
460 · Aug 2018
Popularity
Haylin Aug 2018
A teenagers dream. Something few deserve, something most don't get. The word that you think can change your image, looks, and life.

And then you graduate,
and then you realize,
popularity,
is just a title
and means nothing,
In the real world
.
458 · Sep 2018
Save Me
Haylin Sep 2018
Who’s going to save me
When I’m saving everyone else?
Who’s going to save me
When I cry myself to sleep at night?
Who’s going to save me
When I have a blade to my wrist?
Who’s going to save me
When the voices are screaming in my head?
The answer is nobody
While I’m out saving others,
Nobody is helping me.
I’m drowning
In the dark thoughts
Full of despair and darkness.
And with no one to help me,
I might as well succumb
To Death's sweet song.
455 · Jun 2018
I Wonder If She Knows
Haylin Jun 2018
Anna's pov while she is dead

For a long time
I nearly failed
Then inexplicably
I began the long steep climb upward
My last chance
But someone took my place

There were times I stayed
To listen to my mother cry
Then one morning
My mother realized that we had everything

Immediately
I felt like I had a shrine
Jesse, sitting on the couch said,"She would have thought it was funny"
The bitter sore memory that someone has left this world
You are still in it
Then one day you look down and see how much pain


Kate's pov as she's alive

I wonder if
Anna lingered in the spaces between the words
I wonder if she knows
That Daddy fell deep after she left
I wonder if she knows that every time I see two little girls
I think of us
This is a blackout poem from My Sisters Keeper
Both poems are written at the same time but Anna is writing it dead and Kate is alive
454 · Feb 2019
Just Think About It
Haylin Feb 2019
"...The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work."
~ 1 John 3:8

"...people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment..."
~ Hebrews 9:27

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
~ Romans 5:8

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life.'"
~ John 8:12
You don't have to be a believer to understand.
454 · Dec 2018
Somewhere 6w
Haylin Dec 2018
Somewhere along the way,

We changed
454 · Nov 2019
I will learn to unlove you
Haylin Nov 2019
There will come a time when the night air
won’t send chills down my spine
for it will no longer whisper your name.

I will stop telling stories about you,
for the moon has grown tired of hearing them
and weariness is an awful thing to feel.

The stars would appear
brighter than your eyes,
and I would hear lullabies again.

The winds would be warm,
the seas won’t crash waves,
and I will no longer drown.
453 · Mar 2018
I don't care anymore
Haylin Mar 2018
I don't really care anymore
I wanna get out of this place

This world failed
And if you haven't noticed
If you can't tell
I don't really give a **** anymore

I've given up on people
Given up on humanity

So I don't really care anymore
Do you wanna settle the score
Tax all the poor
Lie upon the floor
Knock on Heaven's door
Because I really don't give a **** anymore

So I woke up yesterday
With nothing to say
Maybe I'm to blame
The reason things are going this way
Maybe the world's spinning
A little too fast

The race is beginning
So run or be last
The sky is turning red
The grass blue
My world's gone crazy
How are you?

So I don't have a care anymore

I'm done with my chores
And giving money to the stores
And fighting those **** wars
Because frankly
I don't give a **** anymore

So you're reading all those fairy tales
About the dragons with the silver scales
And the horses with silk tails
And the angry white whales
Well it's time to wake up
To reality
I wanna break it to ya
But that's just me
Because you're too scared to see
And too ignorant to believe
That life isn't fantasy
But then again
I don't really care anymore

It burns me to the core
That you're such a filthy *****
Who hurts the weak
And steals from poor
But I guess it's just because
I don't really give a **** anymore

I don't know what to do
I can't think straight
What's false, what's true
Can't forget how to hate

So do you run from all your fears
Are too scared to fight
Can you see through your tears
Into hellish night
So listen to me honey
Life is rough
It won't just rain money
So you gotta get tough
Gotta fight for rights
And for your cause
Because when out goes the lights
Life doesn't have a pause
I don't really care anymore

I guess I was hoping for a little bit more
Because life is one hell of a bore
So tell me, love
What are you fighting for
Things are ending just like before
But this time
I don't care anymore
Haylin Apr 2018
Sit on the couch- wandering hands and wanton mouths
Every now and then one of u speaks
I love you
Between kisses
I'm wet
She'll tell U
Tell U like She's saying I love you
U never move past the make out
I'm wet She'll say
U don't know how to think
Only act
Mouths devouring mouths
Bumping teeth won't be a mood killer anymore
I'm wet She won't say it, but it's all U'll hear
U can't breathe as U push Her down onto Her back
Pull Her shirt up and kiss Her stomach
U're wet
I love you but U'll hear I'm wet
Look into Her eyes
Take off Ur shirt
She'll do as She's told
Pop the button on those jeans
Giggle when She has to stand up and hop around to get them off
Don't really know what U're doing
Feather fingers stroking the interior of Her perfect thighs
She'll sigh Ur name
Gently remove that piece of lacy-nothing
Touch Her
She's wet U'll think
Think like U're thinking *She loves me
438 · Jan 2019
Sounds of Silence
Haylin Jan 2019
It's the time to listen to our own heartbeat
To talk to our inner self.
It's the introspective moment that we need,
To survive in this modern over-noisy World.

Silence has a sound which can't be heard from the ears,
But only by the heart
Haylin May 2018
Roses are red, violets are blue,
They say it's addicting now I know that it's true  
But the roses are wilting the flowers are dead  
My hands are shaking and my hips are lined red
432 · May 2018
"Slut"
Haylin May 2018
If I'm a ****,
it's because I let society
**** me on the daily.
429 · Jun 2019
I'm an Addict
Haylin Jun 2019
The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher
The only answer getting clearer, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.
But I'll never say what I'm an addict of.
428 · Jun 2019
Silently Screaming
Haylin Jun 2019
At the end of the day, all things end.
When all is said and done, we are merely men.
Nearly men never find their true love.
We are left so close but never touched.
So far from being,
Always only ever seeing and dreaming,
While inside we remain…silently screaming.
426 · Nov 2018
Goodbye
Haylin Nov 2018
I'm all on my own now
Have nothing to lose
The one thing I cared of
Decided to move (on)

I'm sitting here, waiting
For just one last call
But I'm scared of hearing
Please, don't say "Goodbye"
425 · Sep 2018
Bathroom Poetry
Haylin Sep 2018
Here I sit broken-hearted
tried to ****, but only farted
Then one day I took a chance
tried to **** and **** my pants.
Saw it on pinterest
422 · Oct 2018
Beauty
Haylin Oct 2018
Beauty is only skin deep.

You could be the most attractive person in the world,
but still be a complete *****.

Some people at school they are so pretty,
but they are the ones who bully you.
421 · Aug 2018
Millennial
Haylin Aug 2018
Millennial is what called in this generation,
Everywhere here and there,
There are always youths who really never care,
And never been worried about their future.

In Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Messenger,
Are contents of follower, liker, reader and including seener,
Loitering and using fake accounts just to gain a wholesome money,
Even though that it is notorious, they still embark their blunt journey.

Most millennial are undisputedly addicted to social media,
Their lives depends on likes they are going to gain,
They don't care if their faces might be inside of multi-media,
And they don't even care if it will give them a pain.

Some truly go beyond their limits just to have a lot of likes,
Perhaps they are fame *****, but they don't care if someone strikes,
Strikes every part of their body including their faces and such,
Yet they don't care if it will hurt them too much.

However, seeking attention in the cyber world isn't a good thing,
Instead they should focus on things that are essentially free like a king,
Because in this generation, too many people are unaware and careless,
And some they didn't even noticed that our environment is already full of fraud either hypocrite and genuine people are less.
419 · May 2018
"I'm Just a Kid"
Haylin May 2018
with that said,
let's **** **** up
You want us to lose our minds
because we're just kids
Us kids
have a story
a story beyond Slenderman and Batman.
We live
we breathe
we abide by society,
but no one expects us
to fight back
I'm a 15 year old kid,
but I hold much more than *silence
418 · Jul 2019
Shelter
Haylin Jul 2019
I can’t prevent the rain from falling,
Oh no, I can’t prevent the storm-
But I’ll be here for you when you’re frightened,
And craving shelter from it all.

Even though a drizzle,
Or a mighty hurricane-
I’ll brace the weather wholeheartedly,
If it means that you are safe.

For if the beast that’s brewing,
Is tearing down your forests limb by limb-
And the travesties he’s causing,
Are forcing you to walk with him-
I’ll take your hand so quickly,
And run with you so far away-
So this being can’t get hold of you,
And has to seek out other prey.

See darling your soul is mighty and pure,
Filled with comforts so serene-
And your mind is made up of fortresses,
Stronger than any part of me-
I’ll never give up if it means bringing you home,
To the comforts, you once knew-
The safety of your own body and mind,
Every beautiful part of you.
412 · May 2018
Fluid
Haylin May 2018
I'm a girl
But somedays
I'm a boy
410 · Nov 2018
She won't be missed
Haylin Nov 2018
A broken mirror
A bleeding fist
A silver blade against a wrist
Tears falling down to lips unkissed
Ignore her and she won't exist
She's not that kind you'll come to miss
408 · May 2018
Relapse
Haylin May 2018
i told you
because
i wanted you
to stop me.
407 · Aug 2018
The Old Landline
Haylin Aug 2018
not so long ago
they made you feel
not so alone

before
the compulsive criteria
of social media

and the claustrophobia
that comes
when you can understand people
but not love them

Now
It sits in a blind corner
like a forgotten foreigner
mentioned in sentences
that start with
"remember back when..."

The lesson of technology is to go with the flow

The lesson of time is in old and fading photos
where you are holding
a landline phone and
pretending to
talk
401 · Mar 2018
Creepy Quotes
Haylin Mar 2018
There's a little bit of devil in her angel eyes

I'm a angel, but anger makes me a devil

The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns, he come in everything you wished for

333 I'm only half evil

My attitude will always be based on how you treat me

I don't care if I fall in love with a devil, as long a devil loves me the way he loves hell

You must have the devil in you to succeed in any of the arts

Black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as a angel, sweet as love

We are the kids our parents warned us about

What is light without dark? Right without left? What is goodness without the choice to be evil?

There's someone in my head but it's not me

Never regret something that once made you smile

Everyone needs someone that can handle your dark side

The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls

Here in the forest, dark and deep. I offer you eternal sleep

If you can't wake up from a nightmare, maybe you're not asleep

If you are reading this, then you blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you

She was like the moon; part of her was always hidden away

Death is not scary. It's where we'll go that is

I have already been through hell. So give it your best shot. Not only will I survive. I will win.
I went through a dark phase at one point
400 · Nov 2018
40 Seconds
Haylin Nov 2018
Every 40 seconds
someone in the world dies of suicide

Every 41 seconds
someone is left to make sense of it
396 · Apr 2018
Walking Through High School
Haylin Apr 2018
This is it everything that you have gone through us now memories.
All of your happy and sad times in high school have now faded.
A new life has begun on your own.
No more waking up dreading that this day will never get here.
Now the day is here and your missing everyone before they even
walk through these high school doors.
Every memory is left unsaid.
On graduation day everyone cried, I even cried.
Knowing that I may never get to hang with my friends ever again.
Hoping they'll be here for my graduation crying with me.
393 · May 2019
Through a Window
Haylin May 2019
All along
I’ve been looking through
The stained, the pure
The meaning of clear

With a surreal light
Which bends the prism
And frees me from physical
Prison cell

And all along I’ve been looking through
The edge of iron and steel
The wood, the window
The highest ideal

My window
392 · Feb 2019
Heaven
Haylin Feb 2019
If a forever with you
is what heaven feels like

I'd be more than willing
to take my own life
384 · Nov 2018
What is a firefighter
Haylin Nov 2018
He's the guy next door....
He's a guy like you and me with warts and worries and unfulfilled dreams.
Yet he stands taller than most of us.
He's a fireman....
A fireman is at once the most fortunate and the least fortunate of men.
He's a man who saves lives because he has seen too much death.
He's a gentle man because he has seen the awesome power of violence out of control.
He's responsive to a child's laughter because his arms have held too many small bodies that will never laugh again....
He doesn't preach the brotherhood of man.
He lives it.
384 · Sep 2018
Dear Future Self 9/28/18
Haylin Sep 2018
9/28/18

Dear Future Self in 2024;

Hey. You still alive? Well if you’re reading this then you’re alive. So congrats on making it this far. I know you have been going through alot over the past 6 years. I just wanted to see how you were doing.

As I’m writing this, I’m a 15 year old sophomore at Dowagiac, in choir, art and in honors. I’m about to join color guard. But I have some questions. You still dating Dakota? Possibly engaged? If you are planning our wedding, it must be in a barn. No exceptions. But are you graduated from Central Michigan for meteorology? Do we work at The Weather Channel or NWS? Got our stuff back from our dad? Martha still our best friend? Did you hurt yourself more? But please tell me we went to prom.

Well I hope you are doing well. And Dakota, if you are reading this with me, I’m glad we made it this far. I love you.
But don’t let others bring you down like I did before. Graduate, get married, have kids. But most of all, have a good and fun filled life. I wish you the most of luck.

Love
You from 2018
377 · Aug 2018
Lessons
Haylin Aug 2018
the greatest gift anyone can give you is time
in a world where attention is the new currency

- what i have learned from social media
376 · May 2018
I'm Trying Mom
Haylin May 2018
I’m sorry that I don’t always
Find the time for exercising
And sometimes my room is cluttered
I’m not a real clean person

I’m sorry that sometimes
I leave my cereal bowl
On the table
I don’t relate, half the time
To things that are important

But I don’t smoke and
I don’t drink
I don’t do drugs
I don’t party
I’m good at school,
And I live at home
I’m doing my best, Mom.

I know sometimes
I’m not perfect
I do not practice
What I preach
But neither do you
Cause no one can
Don’t mean to burst your bubble.

I can’t read minds,
You’d like me to
I wish I could
Cause then I’d know
Exactly when you’re mad at me
And then I wouldn’t need
To have these pointless
Panic Attacks
My brain thinks are so important
I should see a doctor

But I don’t smoke and
I don’t drink
I don’t do drugs
I don’t party
I do well school,
And I live at home
I’m doing my best, Mom.

I like to think
I’m unique
I try to stand outside the crowd
But you told me
I sure blend in well
I think that’s mean
Because you’re the most
Basic ***** I’ve ever known
But maybe you’re right,
I’m just like you.

But I don’t smoke and
I don’t drink
I don’t do drugs
I don’t party
I’m good at school,
And I live at home
I’m doing my best, Mom.

You’re right, Mom:
A "B" is not an "A"
I’m a hoarder
I’m not healthy
I’m pretty lazy
Quite complacent
Self-righteous
Inconsiderate

But I’m doing my best, Mom
373 · May 2018
One cut, Two Cut...
Haylin May 2018
One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Watch my blood spill on the floor
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Isn't this life just ******* great
Nine cut, ten
Here we go again

One cut, two cut, three cut, four
Sinking every day a little more
Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight
Future is up to chance and fate
Nine cut, ten
This ****** up game I'll never win
372 · May 2018
A Brief History Of Me
Haylin May 2018
I was born
I was happy
I started school
I made friends
New school
No friends - lonely
Change school again
Found old friends - happy again
Mother leaves - sad
Depression settles in
World spins
Self harm starts
World stops
Self hate grows
Eating disorder
Self harm worsens
People worry
I give up trying
Convinced to try again
Determined to right my wrongs
Start High school
No friends - lonely
Self harm comes back
Eating disorder returns
Ready to give up again
Wrote poem
My life so far.....
372 · Nov 2018
Sleep tight
Haylin Nov 2018
Sleep tight.
Let yourself dream
Feel it until you're drawn into it
Settle in the arms that's holding you
Let him kiss your temple and caress your skin
Forget about the world, live and love

Close your eyes.
Let him whisper the words
Hear him out, hear his undying love
Let him embrace your soul
He love you

Rest yourself in the arms of the man who found you.
370 · Aug 2018
11:11 part 2
Haylin Aug 2018
There's a comforting feeling,
seeing that number on my phone,
feeling that panic,
closing my eyes quickly
and making a wish,
that I know won't come true.
370 · Apr 2019
Rain Music
Haylin Apr 2019
Sometimes the rain falls
as if its penning poetry
to the rhythm of its own music;
a sonic tune of the liquid tapestry.

Cleft from a sky immersed
in the scene of a tragedy.
It's torn,
the pitter-patter;
a solemn dance
for all humanity.

An ancient jig this fluid frolic
never tiring of its endless cycle
vesting and revisiting this terra firma
like a lover emasculating the earth
of its desert state,
or adding to its oceans
in a bid to be free.

But you’re here again, I’ve noticed
for even through windows
your music plays a clamorous
and a rather brazen beat.

Take my hand, why don’t you?

Come.

Dance with me.
370 · Aug 2018
New Way of Life
Haylin Aug 2018
I'm leaving / my home
Without a word of goodbye
I'm sorry / if I hurt you
I've gotta find a new way of life

I'm sorry / if I'm dumber
Than my age says I should be
But I'm tired / of losing
To the way things should be

I promise / to remember
All you've given me
If you promise / to surrender
To the fact that I had to leave

Wherever I go, I'll keep you in my heart
If I'm a thousand miles away or down the road
Everyone needs a few brand new starts
Everyone needs some time alone

I'm riding / through the heartland
Waiting for peace to come
I'm hiding / in the mountains
Singing to the morning sun

I'm riding / through the valley
Breathing in mountain air
I'm smiling / I am happy
I feel like I belong somewhere
Haylin Feb 2019
what is a man-made education
getting a job,
not working in your field,
as that degree, hangs dusty on the wall, yet
we passed the class,
we made the grades,
we're smart, yet we keep ******* up...
you know it, I know it,
we all know it.
369 · Apr 2018
Walking Through High School
Haylin Apr 2018
This is it everything that you have gone through us now memories.
All of your happy and sad times in high school have now faded.
A new life has begun on your own.
No more waking up dreading that this day will never get here.
Now the day is here and your missing everyone before they even
walk through these high school doors.
Every memory is left unsaid.
On graduation day everyone cried, I even cried.
Knowing that I may never get to hang with my friends ever again.
Hoping they'll be here for my graduation crying with me.
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