The color blue has always been just that to me - a color. A plain, unremarkable hue that I never thought twice about. It was the same as any other color - no different than the color of a dull pen or the gray skies on a rainy day. It was a common color that I had seen a million times before in a million different eyes.

But then I met you.

Suddenly, the color blue took on a whole new meaning. It was no longer just a color but a reflection of the depths of your soul. Your eyes were like pools of shining ink spread across plain pages, filling chapters of my life with every glance. They were like a bright summer horizon that expanded before me, stretching as far as the eye could see. They were like a vast, infinite ocean of sparkling blue, and I found myself willingly drowning in your color.

Your eyes are not just blue - they are a world of their own, filled with depth and meaning that I never knew existed. They are a window into your soul, and every time I look into them, I feel like I am seeing a new part of you that I never knew existed.

They are the color of your laughter, your joy, your love, and your pain. They are the color of all the things that make you who you are, and I am grateful every day that I get to see them.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult experiences you've had to endure. It's understandable that the fear and pain you felt at a young age would have a lasting impact on you. It takes a lot of strength to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice when those around you have caused you harm. And it's not easy to carry the weight of grief and brokenness within you.

But I'm glad to hear that you found solace in words and were able to use them as a tool for healing. It's amazing how writing can help us connect with ourselves and the world around us. It's inspiring to see that you were able to break down some of those protective walls and allow yourself to live in the present moment.

I want you to know that you're not alone and that it's okay to feel vulnerable and fragile sometimes. You are brave and resilient for continuing to listen to your heart and your inner voice, even when it's hard. And I hope that you continue to find ways to express yourself and connect with the world in meaningful ways.

Wow, his eyes sound absolutely beautiful!
I can only imagine the mesmerizing colors that can be seen in them. It's understandable why you feel like getting lost in them.
It would be so easy.
The comparison to the ocean is so fitting,
I can picture the way his eyes shine
Like the sun setting over calm waters.
Interestingly, you would want to see the world from his point of view,
Perhaps there's something special about the way he sees things.
But I can also understand why you might be hesitant
To look too deeply into his eyes,
It sounds like they hold a lot of depth and emotion.
Nonetheless, his blue eyes have left quite an impression on you.

They say when you have Autism
That you are this helpless person
A person who doesn't know anything
That no one cares about you
Or they bring pity to you

I say otherwise

I am not helpless
I know how to do things
I know how to live life
People care about  me
I don't want you pity

I am Autistic

Loving you...
Is like acid;
I know I will get addicted,
But I can't help but ingest it.

Loving you...
Is like colors;
It has many shades with millions of layers,
To peel back and watch its beauty emerge.

Loving you...
Can not be described using all the words and phrases in the English language.

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)
12/9/19 - The day I broke up with my boyfriend

New: 3/13/20 - Moved states
New: 7/21/20- Moved schools

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm sorry you had to go.
It wasn't fair, but I understand.
Your happiness was just as important to me
as my own.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I hope you're doing well.
Never will I wish ill upon you,
no matter how much I wish I hate you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm crying on the floor.
My sadness is a black hole trying to **** me into myself.
I miss you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm wearing the makeup that you hated.
*******.
I do what I want.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
You gave me hope that you would come back to me.
Don't.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I realized that I never needed you to love me.
I realized that I was right here to do it for you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I look back fondly on our time together.
I will always love you.
But you left, and please never look back.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
One day you'll find a girl better than me.
I hope she makes you happy.

your fingers planted seeds everywhere you touched me
you watered them by whispering into my ears
and flowers sprouted from my spine each time you kissed me

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm sorry you had to go.
It wasn't fair, but I understand.
Your happiness was just as important to me
as my own.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I hope you're doing well.
Never will I wish ill upon you,
no matter how much I wish I hate you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm crying on the floor.
My sadness is a black hole trying to **** me into myself.
I miss you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I'm wearing the makeup that you hated.
*******.
I do what I want.
Dear ex-boyfriend,
You gave me hope that you would come back to me.
Don't.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I realized that I never needed you to love me.
I realized that I was right here to do it for you.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
I look back fondly on our time together.
I will always love you.
But you left, and please never look back.

Dear ex-boyfriend,
One day you'll find a girl better than me.
I hope she makes you happy.

you should've never become a mother

~haylin

well,

I thought

dad is supposed to cheer me up,

dad is supposed to bring joy in my life,

dad is supposed to come home from
work
and give me a kiss on my cheeks,

dad is supposed to cuddle and make me feel warm on a cold day,

dad is supposed to make me feel happy,

dad is supposed to listen to my problem and help me,

dad is supposed to fix my flaw and teach me,

dad is supposed to sacrifice himself for me,

dad is supposed to be my hero,

dad is supposed to
love me.

well,
that was what I thought
dads are supposed to be.

I guess I don't have one.

It's not that I can't live without you,
I just don't want to.

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)

New: 12/9/19- The day I broke up with my boyfriend

In this life we
live there is a
time to give, to
give thanks for
what we have
what we do
who we are
as we stand and
shine like the
brightest star.

In this time of thanks
we try to see
the goodness of gathering
with family
hoping that the closing
will hold the key
to an opening for better
in the new year to be.

The gathering of family
at holiday events
should NOT be about
the bling
the number of presents.
It should be about
time together
genuinely,
that idea seems so
given, hello
maybe it's just me.

Darkness is my savior
It is my home
It is the place where I feel free

Me and the darkness
We have a connection
Without it, I'm lost
Without me the world is bright

So you see
I need the darkness
It is my home
It is the place where I can be free.

I am a broken glass.
I am an empty mug.
I am a withered pine.
I am a tasteless gum.
I am a burnt out pipe.
I am a falling star.
What should I do?
Where should I go?

There will come a time when the night air
won’t send chills down my spine
for it will no longer whisper your name.

I will stop telling stories about you,
for the moon has grown tired of hearing them
and weariness is an awful thing to feel.

The stars would appear
brighter than your eyes,
and I would hear lullabies again.

The winds would be warm,
the seas won’t crash waves,
and I will no longer drown.

As we weep
The flowers grow
From the pain
We rise
But when anger strikes us
We burn
We turn to ash
Once we are ash
We stay ash

We were told by our mothers
That the spirits
That the winds that blow against our skin
Will one day move through us
And take what little of us remains
The wind will soar and carry us
Across fields and streams and mountains

But the winds have died
There are no more tears
No fire burns
And the flowers don't grow

We've killed ourselves

I think back to when it happened,
think back to that awful day.
The day when it all happened,
the day he took "it" away.

Fighting. Yelling. Crying.
It didn't matter how loud I screamed.
Nobody came to help me.
Nobody came to set me free.

I still dream of running,
of trying to break away.
Of feeling him catch me,
every **** day.

I see him in the shadows,
even while I'm at home.
I close my eyes and pray he's gone,
only then I can't help but feel him.

To this day I feel him,
his tight grip on my wrists,
The pressure of his body
as I tried to resist.

He continued to ****** away,
as I fought and yelled and cried.
It didn't matter how loud I screamed,
Nobody came to help me.
Nobody came to set me free.

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out

New:
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)

We have many ideas,
but we do not seem to have idealists anymore.

We have droves of problem solvers,
but we do not seem to have solutions anymore.

We have endless media discourse,
but we do not seem to have dialogue anymore.

We have unrestrained capitalism,
but we do not seem to have money anymore.

We have innumerable drugs,
but we do not seem to have treatment anymore.

We have scores of Baby Boomers,
but we do not seem to have elders anymore.

We have unlimited vacation days,
but we do not seem to have days off anymore.

We have incalculable amounts of information,
but we do not seem to have facts anymore.

We have regular, established elections,
but we do not seem to have elected officials anymore.

We have America,
but we do not seem to have a nation anymore

My life was fine and I was happy
And then you showed up
And everything went abrupt

You made me laugh until my face went numb
My problems you held like a forceful gun
I soon discovered an emotion I'd never felt
And you ripped it away from my fragile heart

My eyes once glowed like the stars beaming bright
But now they're filled with the sea spilling out
It's true you listened and that is no doubt
But you showed no remorse and simply threw me about

For so long I clung to you, scared of the world around
And now I'm sitting in my room unable to move about
In fear of being alone

I thought I was broke
And you would make me whole
But I didn't realize you tore me one by one
Into pieces, I lost, long ago with my smile

I cried every day
And forced you to keep me together
But little did I know that you couldn't find me either
Gave up on my life and lusted for me rather

I thought that it was love
But it was too late when I found out
That you were the one to hide my pieces
And wrote love on each end
To make me think that it was okay to be used over and over again

only the pretty girls can break the rules
they are the only ones who can protest against the dress code
"no spaghetti straps, no tank tops, no short dresses or skirts"
but they still do it
if you don't have a nice body, forget trying to do the same
only girls with **** bodies can do this
it gives people a show
if you are considered to not have a nice body,
you will be the one to get yelled at
while a girl ten feet away
has a dress so short, it's amazing you can't see anything private
now, supposedly, I have a nice body
because the things I'm wearing are against dress code
and no one has said anything yet
spaghetti strap, belly button showing, bra strap showing
do they just not care,
or am I considered one of the lucky ones?
am I the one with a nice body?
or does no one really give a **** anymore?
here, at this school, it's most likely the first one
it's just the way society is
I'm sorry
this is just the way it is
this is just the way high school is
good luck

That feeling you get
When you finish the show
Before anyone starts clapping.

That feeling of breathlessness and accomplishment all at the same moment.

That my friend, is what we march for.

I step through the door
of the place which feels
more like home than my house

My ears fill
with sounds of drumsticks on drums
mallets on marimbas

My eyes fall upon flutes, clarinets
trumpets and tubas

I look up at my family
none of which are related to me
yet they
make
this
place
home.

Doctor, Doctor
I've trouble with my eyes

Then take these blue pills,
That's what I advise

Oh Doctor, Doctor
My bones are all sore

White pills I prescribe
They'll hurt you no more

But Doctor, Doctor
My heartbeat is waning

Take red pills for that
You'll soon be regaining

Please Doctor, please
My mind fades away

For that, I have gray pills
You'll be sharper today

Its quite shocking Doctor,
My ***** is murky

Take these yellow pills
They'll clear it by Thursday

I mope around Doctor,
My mood's really flat

These rose-colored pills
Will take care of that

You must help me, Doctor,
In bed, I'm a flop

Then try these long capsules
They'll liven things up

Tell me please Doctor,
What's inside these pills?

Why medicine, of course,
To cure all your ills

The problem with love is that it’s as painful to lose
as it is beautiful to hold.
I was the eye of a needle in the eye of a storm;
Everything calm and clear where we stood under parity
Oblivious to my distant surroundings
And obsessed with the clarity.
Fresh air never smelt so good.
I knew they never truly felt I could survive but I could.
Now everything’s clear
And I am, this time, prepared;
My glass is half full but I’ll be careful not to spill my thoughts again.
My farcical haul through rugged-rough storms
And trivial pain
Has come to an unexpected but welcomed end.

I can’t prevent the rain from falling,
Oh no, I can’t prevent the storm-
But I’ll be here for you when you’re frightened,
And craving shelter from it all.

Even though a drizzle,
Or a mighty hurricane-
I’ll brace the weather wholeheartedly,
If it means that you are safe.

For if the beast that’s brewing,
Is tearing down your forests limb by limb-
And the travesties he’s causing,
Are forcing you to walk with him-
I’ll take your hand so quickly,
And run with you so far away-
So this being can’t get hold of you,
And has to seek out other prey.

See darling your soul is mighty and pure,
Filled with comforts so serene-
And your mind is made up of fortresses,
Stronger than any part of me-
I’ll never give up if it means bringing you home,
To the comforts, you once knew-
The safety of your own body and mind,
Every beautiful part of you.

Summer days, so hot and sticky
I can't wait for you to come
and us to steal away together
into the midday sun.
Sitting at a café just passing the time.
Watching the people pass by in the heat
I play with the silverware,
waiting for you.
And so I sit until I see your dark,
handsome face breaks free from the crowd.
As I wait with a glass of Riesling
and phone in my hands.
You've made me wait,
and your eyes like sea green glass
tell me that a storm is brewing
just beyond my reach.
I have been waiting for it seems like
an eternity in the same café for you, always for you.
Could I have been so wrong
to love a man beyond my reach?
And with just a kiss on the cheek, you are gone.

Life is just a long exam

Some pass

But most fail

I am studying.
I am dying from exams.
I should get some sleep.



Don't you just love exams?
I don't.
I hate it

We come before you Almighty God,
Policeman, Fireman, and EMT
to say a prayer before we go
Our ways to each his own Duty

Together now we've come to pray
In case we forget to
During our busy day

The Policeman steps forth,
“Dear God above
Keep us save
and also those we love.

We pray for your unending favor
that we never need use
the rounds we chamber

Our Vests that we wear
for our own protection
please keep 'em bulletproof
and our safety never question”

The Fireman steps up and then takes a knee
“Dear God above I need you now
I know you're always watching me

In the Fires of our Hell
or on the highway to there
Please keep us from hurt
and not singe a single hair

Give us the strength to lift a wall
or tenderness to pick up a tiny child
give us peace when others are losing it
and peace if the scene starts getting wild”

The EMT takes his stand
“God I guess it's my turn
Not really safety out there
or the protection from a burn

But rather Lord I need your help
let me make the right decision
on every patient that I care for
Their lives in my hands I've been given”

Then all Three stand together
with their heads, all bowed low
Dear God above, to all of us
please your mercy would you endow

Keep us safe and bring us home
to our wives and our children
And each time the truck roles out
let it come back safely to it's building

After Lust watched her client leave her hotel room she picked up her communicator off the dresser and called Greed her **** who was also her husband.

"Hello Greed where are you?" asked Lust as she sat on the bed.

"I just arrived at the Blue Flame Hotel.  I'll be at your room soon" answered Greed.

"Ok Greed I'll see you when you get here" said Lust.

Lust got dressed and waited on Greed.  Within ten minutes there was a knock on Lust's hotel room door.  Lust opened the door and let Greed in.

"Where's my money?" asked Greed as soon as he entered the room.

"Greed you act like you don't trust me.  You promised to lay riches at my feet and put power in my hands" said Lust.

"Trust you? I do trust you but not a hundred percent" said Greed.

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher
The only answer getting clearer, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

At the end of the day, all things end.
When all is said and done, we are merely men.
Nearly men never find their true love.
We are left so close but never touched.
So far from being,
Always only ever seeing and dreaming,
While inside we remain…silently screaming.

We press our bodies together
Forcing separate atoms to form one
Of a new breed,
But it will never be achieved
We don’t bond
Just periodically breathe.

All along
I’ve been looking through
The stained, the pure
The meaning of clear

With a surreal light
Which bends the prism
And frees me from physical
Prison cell

And all along I’ve been looking through
The edge of iron and steel
The wood, the window
The highest ideal

My window

When a white woman is victimized they'll scour the streets, fan out, stop,
harass, detain, arrest any black man. Anyone they can finger for the crime.

They say things such as they all look alike or something to that effect.

A black woman is abused they'll look around, see white males everywhere but they cannot find any suspects? None of them fit the description.

Why is that?

Yeah, that's right, it is because they all look alike! Too many of 'em. Can't arrest everyone now, can we? People have rights!

Yep,
          I suppose they do...



As long as you consider them,
                                                        "­p­eople,"  
                                                    ­  ­                         -they have rights.

You know that feeling
When everything around you
Is just spinning,
Pounding,
Bringing total chaos?

But somehow you feel nothing at all.
Not scared about being shot at.
Not being scared that a car is about to hit you.
Not being scared that the freshman that you just shoved out of your way will come and hurt you.

You just stand there,
Watching the bullets fly at you.
Watching the headlights on the car come straight at you.
Walking away but turning around to make sure he isn't running after you.
Just waiting to see what will happen next.

That feeling you have when all that chaos is happening,
That my friend is called calm.

One thing about rain:
it's not just water nor droplets
but bullets of different emotions.
A match stick that burns your soul
in a deep, vague coldness.

Some found happiness from it;
I once did.
And some did find something
they did not want nor expect.

But a thing about rain:
you will always find something.
It will always give you a thing,
even if you're not aware.
And when you're not aware,
let me tell you,
it is the rain.

A thing about rain,
it's a door.
A door that leads to places you once went.
A door that opens widely for a rent.
It is more than just water;
it's a memory
You can't assume it is the same place
you once longed to be.
We can't say that door is safe
nor the door is free.

Some were trapped,
some managed to escape,
some managed to smile,
and I managed to fear.
I fear that rain would prolong and
would bear a fruit.
But it didn't, it just plucked up
a great root.

How wonderful the rain could be.
How it crashed to ground a resilient tree.
How one could change with a single memory.
And how rain triggers my anxiety.

The worst part of losing someone is feeling them slip away.

Knowing that they would rather be doing anything else, than be with you.

Knowing that you're nothing but a weight, holding them back.
Knowing that you aren't enough.

But maybe you shouldn't have fooled yourself like that.

When have you ever been?

Sometimes the rain falls
as if its penning poetry
to the rhythm of its own music;
a sonic tune of the liquid tapestry.

Cleft from a sky immersed
in the scene of a tragedy.
It's torn,
the pitter-patter;
a solemn dance
for all humanity.

An ancient jig this fluid frolic
never tiring of its endless cycle
vesting and revisiting this terra firma
like a lover emasculating the earth
of its desert state,
or adding to its oceans
in a bid to be free.

But you’re here again, I’ve noticed
for even through windows
your music plays a clamorous
and a rather brazen beat.

Take my hand, why don’t you?

Come.

Dance with me.

Fighting on the front lines
With red pens
For creativity,
For independent thought,
For common sense
Not Common Core

This is a battle in a bureaucratic war we’re losing
Keep pushing and shoving against an impenetrable wall
But we’re only foot soldiers, not actually giving orders

Kids look down on us and they ask,
“Will this be on the test?”
And say,
“Get out of my face.”

Here’s what I wonder: Why is “mistake” a forbidden word?

Taught by parent(s) to resist.
These are Kids who fail to create
But recite, recall, and retaliate

School is no longer a safe haven
Testing, testing, 1-2-3 hundred murdered students, teachers
Safety off and then off
And
Still off

Hanging by a thread and losing the grip a little more every day

Following the curriculum map to X marks the standardized test.

We dig and
                  Dig and
                                 Dig
For the buried treasure trove of teaching magic. The legitimacy and respect our careers deserve. The money, the time, the love, the support.

But it’s buried under so much testing and red tape, and so    

We fail.

Clock? Could you tell me,
if I could reverse time,
what day would I turn back to?

maybe the day I spotted a flower, blooming alone in a field
spacious silence for it to grow
ever so gentle movement in the breeze that spring day

or the day I met you
your smile shining brighter than the crowd
eyes like the rich soil from which you grew
if only you'd learn to
                                      outgrow
                                                      the spaces  
                                                        ­                between us

maybe then clock, I could recall why you left me for the fields of silence

The night
had stuffed the dark

into every crevice
of the house

and his life
awoke to a big blue sky

holding a crocus
in the palm of its morning.

The world was springing
into being

all around him
as if existence had

changed its mind and
decided to stay.

A solitary oak
reached a gnarled hand

and snatched a cloud
( that happened to be passing by )

out of the air
just like that.

The cloud struggled
to break free.

The oak gave a hearty laugh
and let it go.

The cloud scurried away
fretfully looking over its shoulder.

"So, what kept ya?"
he asked spring.

Spring...just smiled.

in my small town
last names mean everything & being a good kid means nothing