9/28/18

Dear Future Self in 2024;

Hey. You still alive? Well if you’re reading this then you’re alive. So congrats on making it this far. I know you have been going through alot over the past 6 years. I just wanted to see how you were doing.

As I’m writing this, I’m a 15 year old sophomore at Dowagiac, in choir, art and in honors. I’m about to join color guard. But I have some questions. You still dating Dakota? Possibly engaged? If you are planning our wedding, it must be in a barn. No exceptions. But are you graduated from Central Michigan for meteorology? Do we work at The Weather Channel or NWS? Got our stuff back from our dad? Martha still our best friend? Did you hurt yourself more? But please tell me we went to prom.

Well I hope you are doing well. And Dakota, if you are reading this with me, I’m glad we made it this far. I love you.
But don’t let others bring you down like I did before. Graduate, get married, have kids. But most of all, have a good and fun filled life. I wish you the most of luck.

Love
You from 2018

Sleep tight.
Let yourself dream
Feel it until you're drawn into it
Settle in the arms that's holding you
Let him kiss your temple and caress your skin
Forget about the world, live and love

Close your eyes.
Let him whisper the words
Hear him out, hear his undying love
Let him embrace your soul
He love you

Rest yourself in the arms of the man who found you.

I am a broken glass.
I am an empty mug.
I am a withered pine.
I am a tasteless gum.
I am a burnt out pipe.
I am a falling star.
What should I do?
Where should I go?

Cutting
Choose your spot
Cutting
Shine it nice
Cutting
Pretend your real
Cutting
Shed a tear
Cutting
Let the blade arrive
Cutting
Give direction
Cutting
Sigh your perfect sigh
Cutting
Show your shallow smile
Cutting
Bleed alone
Cutting
Die alone.....

the greatest gift anyone can give you is time
in a world where attention is the new currency

- what i have learned from social media

I find myself locked
Between my flaws
In that I love too much
And I love too hard

There's not much I can do
Than just be apologetic
But living an apologetic life
Leads to apologetic stories

So I wish to not say sorry
For I cannot change this
My flaws are my flaws
And they are what make me

This is not an apology
Just a warning
For my love is large and strong
And I cannot stop for anyone

I was born
I was happy
I started school
I made friends
New school
No friends - lonely
Change school again
Found old friends - happy again
Mother leaves - sad
Depression settles in
World spins
Self harm starts
World stops
Self hate grows
Eating disorder
Self harm worsens
People worry
I give up trying
Convinced to try again
Determined to right my wrongs
Start High school
No friends - lonely
Self harm comes back
Eating disorder returns
Ready to give up again
Wrote poem
My life so far.....

As we weep
The flowers grow
From the pain
We rise
But when anger strikes us
We burn
We turn to ash
Once we are ash
We stay ash

We were told by our mothers
That the spirits
That the winds that blow against our skin
Will one day move through us
And take what little of us remains
The wind will soar and carry us
Across fields and streams and mountains

But the winds have died
There are no more tears
No fire burns
And the flowers don't grow

We've killed ourselves

I'm leaving / my home
Without a word of goodbye
I'm sorry / if I hurt you
I've gotta find a new way of life

I'm sorry / if I'm dumber
Than my age says I should be
But I'm tired / of losing
To the way things should be

I promise / to remember
All you've given me
If you promise / to surrender
To the fact that I had to leave

Wherever I go, I'll keep you in my heart
If I'm a thousand miles away or down the road
Everyone needs a few brand new starts
Everyone needs some time alone

I'm riding / through the heartland
Waiting for peace to come
I'm hiding / in the mountains
Singing to the morning sun

I'm riding / through the valley
Breathing in mountain air
I'm smiling / I am happy
I feel like I belong somewhere

it’s crazy how superstition works
any belief, sometimes even religion
can make you go completely bezerk

it’s 23.10hrs in the night
i’m lying here and thinking
it’s really, nearly time
ironic how I write this
for my mother always told me
it'll only come true
if you keep it a secret

but,
I just have to write this
and pray that you see it


It’s 23.11 in the depths of the night
I wish you were here.

A knife can make their day, but end their life.

You can always tell the Devil's cheating halo,
It's the color never seen within a rainbow.
You can always tell the Devil's cheating halo,
It's the dark one. It's the color of sin.

This is it everything that you have gone through us now memories.
All of your happy and sad times in high school have now faded.
A new life has begun on your own.
No more waking up dreading that this day will never get here.
Now the day is here and your missing everyone before they even
walk through these high school doors.
Every memory is left unsaid.
On graduation day everyone cried, I even cried.
Knowing that I may never get to hang with my friends ever again.
Hoping they'll be here for my graduation crying with me.

Why Mom?
Can I just ask, why?
What did I do to you to deserve this?
You say you love me but this is not love.
This is not love.
Love is not hitting me in the face.
Love is not hitting me anywhere.
Love is not yelling.
Love is not cruel words you say to me.
Love is not physical or emotional abuse.
Love is not alcohol.
Love is not drinking by yourself in your room.
Love is not drinking with people who use you.
Love is not putting alcohol above all.
Love is not putting alcohol before me.
Love is not supposed to create hate.
Love is not abuse.
Why, Mom?
I'm begging you to stop.
I'm on my hands and feet begging.
Please, Mom.
Stop drinking.

How would it be
In a world without hate
We will never know
**** Society

That's the thing
about teens
today.

*We're no longer invincible.

A day of love, a day of hearts:
Valentine's Day, twenty eighteen.
The day started out like any other
But ended in a horrific scene.

Students in Parkland, Florida,
Shared their valentines today.
A former student entered the school
To celebrate in a different way.

An AR-15 assault-style rifle
Was that student's valentine.
Killing and hurting students and teachers
Was his version of "Please be mine."

All it takes is a single person
To drag a special day through the mud.
Roses and hearts with Cupid's arrow
Lie on the ground, splattered with blood.

Are we failing our people here?
When shootings occur, we ask for prayers
Instead of taking appropriate measures.
What a sad state of affairs!

Most of us enjoy our day;
Our lives return to normal tomorrow.
Valentine's Day for people in Parkland
Forever will be suffused with sorrow.
In memory of the victims of the 2/14/18 shooting

Just once,


                                   I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

Robert Frost once talked of taking the ‘road less travelled’.
Well, I didn’t.
When the time came, I blindly went and took the safest road.
A very long path where the pitfalls were plenty.
I stumbled in the bracken. Stymied by the darkness that fell quickly as I ambled along.
The soul bruised, battered and exhausted at every infrequent stop.
It was not apparent then that in this venture there was a bleak dead end ahead.
I plowed on even though something inside was telling me again and again to turn back.
But, slowly, a gleaming light of hope crossed my vista beckoning me home.
I crawled. My strength regained as the light intensified.
Then the end was in sight - the portal was within grasp.
And so, yes, I now take that road less travelled.
Standing tall and proud as I gleefully stride down its glowing thoroughfare.  
Smiling at the diverse and playful changes that cross my pathway.
All told, it’s never too late to trust your instincts and make a difference.
Just ask me.
And Robert Frost.

It’s all been said and done before,
But we’ll say it and do it
All over again

Your elegent voice
Soft and subtle
Can't be missed
In this chair
Looking at you
In that bed
Stay with me
Just another minute
We were 17
Chocolate for soldiers
Covers for tables
Flower for you
Glass Coca cola
Movie playing
Back of my Chevy
Staring at stars
Sky in your eyes
Going steady
Meeting your parents
No computers
Strongest connection
You're my password
Watching and waiting
Course of history
Making our own
We made plenty
Kids having kids
Years to decades
75 and still
Laying beside me
Gave a promise
We were 17
You accepted
Imperfect
But I kept it
Here's another
Sitting, this chair
You, that bed
Not our chair
Not our bed
Smell of Iodoform
And wilted flowers
Yet still
Your elegant whisper
Cant be missed
But I promise this
You will be
Never forgetting
We were 17

Just another minute

Ocean singing
Water and sand
Crashing, commanding
Standing Attention
Beside you,
Never close enough
Fly with me
Back home, before
The history
Rations for bravery
You for you
Proper pop
Screen dances
Frozen eyes
Only Star I see
See the beginning
Butterflies in sync
Inks drying
Pens and letters
Melt together
Moons and suns
Here and there
Decadence and
Debauchery
We did our
Own thing
Planting gardens
Self watering
In our chest
Of treasure
3 quarters
Of century
Gave me
That star
Not always bright
Never falling
Leaves now
To illuminate
Another planet
But I'll see it
Everytime I
Close my eyes
Remembering
We were 17

I got to experience hell
for 4 years
before I even died

It's called high school

It's the final day as we all take photographs and say goodbye; a thought goes through my mind.
I may never see any of you again. I don't want to let go of the many memories we have made.
Yet I know that will not happen as the memories we have created have been engraved on my heart and left a deep impression in my mind.

Your kindness and caring attitude has been an inspiration and so have you, and I look forward to the future where in some distant lifetime we will meet again and relive the old times and the old memories.

This is what makes me cherish the true friends I have now.

Sorry losers and haters but my IQ is one of the highest
Somehow I dont quite believe that but I am pretty biased
See I think you're a ***** Donald Trump I really do
Because what intelligent person would think the following is true
Muslims should be denied entry into the great United States
Surley by doing this you will go down in history as one of the greats?
Or by telling transgenders they can't serve in the forces
And doctors should be punished by administering abortions
How's that great big wall of yours currently going?
Have the Mexicans offered to pay for it or are you still not knowing?
Now I have to say I think your face is one big publicity stunt
So I'm just going to go ahead and be brutally blunt
Donald Trump I think your a

Stress.

























































­
































































­




































Oh, and education, I guess.

Hey you, yes you, with the razor in your hand and the tears in your eyes, I hope this has reached you in time

Don't drag that blade across your wrist, leg, hip or tummy

Hey you, yes you, with the  pills in your hand and death on your mind. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't swallow those pills. I actually care

Hey you, yes you, with the rope around your neck and ***** on your breath. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't jump don't hop just stop. Remove the rope climb off the chair, I care

hey you, yes you, with the horrid past and a bright future. I'm glad this reached you in time

Now you see that I care

She was the devil if the devil's curse was lust
He was  a worshiper, her body his altar
They represented disdain through all who knew them
But she was a drug and He was addicted

Have you ever been so tired, You're too tired to sleep?
Both mentally and physically?

Wednesday, 14th of February 2018, 7.00pm,
" breaking news, a mass-shooting happened today in Florida, American authorities are calling this the worst school shooting in U.S.A's history "
6 minutes and 20 seconds,
That's all it took,
17 confirmed dead,
15 injured,
Countless more lives ruined,
All in under 10 minutes,
No parent should ever have to hug their child,
So tight,
Just because it might be the last time they'll ever say goodbye,
No kid should ever have to be afraid of their school hallway,
Or be afraid of who's standing in the classroom doorway,
No kid should ever wonder if this day will be their last,
And no parent should ever have to bury their kid,
Six feet out of their reach,
So this is for Scott,
And for Alyssa,
For Martin,
And for Nicholas,
Not forgetting Aaron,
This goes to Chris,
And Luke,
For Cara,
And for Gina,
Joaquin and Alaina,
Meadow, Helena, and Alex,
Carmen and Peter,
You are all in our hearts,
Let's face it,
The Floridian community of Douglas,
Will never go back to " normal "
So, Washington? Trump?
Riddle us this?
When is this going to be added to your list of " proud American traditions "?
There are too many heavy hearts,
Too many dark days,
Too much chaos and confusion,
For this to be swept under the carpet again,
Just like the last time,
We aren't even a quarter of the way into 2018,
Yet there has been over 30 mass-shootings since the beginning of January,
So here's to the people who aren't accepting the truth,
Who are too " confused " to realize what's going on,
For the people who haven't woken up to the fact,
That there were unidentified bodies,
Sitting cold in that school for over 24-hours,
And do not tell me I am too young to know what I'm talking to you about,
I stand alongside Emma Gonzalez, and the hundreds of young people across the globe,
This isn't just for our lives,
This is for everyone's lives,
Since when did " don't shoot nice people " become such a controversial statement?
Since when did school safety become a debatable, two-sided matter?
So I will join my fellow marchers,
And yell loudly and unapologetically,
Until they hear our voices,
In the words of Emma Gonzalez,
Adults like it when we have strong test scores,
But not when we have strong opinions,
We are Marching For Our Lives,
And this is our legacy.

I will forever defend you because that's what best friends do,
You are gone and I sit here with people I am told to call "friends"
But none of them compare to you
Because you make me laugh and you make me complete
You are the Cancer to my Cancer
You are the one I want to go on hikes with and talk about the delicate curve of a collarbone
You are my best friend and I love you
No matter where you are in the world.

Life is a lesson
full of adventures to ride
it is a product of achievement and joy,
suffer and pain
but there are a lot of test
that you will take
some challenges
to test your patience
and perseverance
plus
hardwork that you should try
but after all, you’ll still
get through all of these zigzag lines
to the path that you will never know
what consesus would it bring into you.
Whether you labor it in
each continental parts
of living the success in life.
your choice is your destiny,
your will is what makes you.
& so you create what you become
and you become what you think
simple, but people always
choose the easy route
rather than the hard route
that will only makes them
overwhelmed and uncomfortable.
though uncomfortable things
will only let you G-R-O-W
once you give it a G-O-
To C-H-A-N-G-E
is a M-U-S-T
and so is to be a better self.
because to be a better person
means to suffer
to be a better person
means to change
and to be a better person
means to be kind and to be grateful for.


quotational marks that you carried in you
all along the way,
it will guide you
to reach your dreams and goals
in life.

this is the presentation
to make an impact to the world.

I hurt you and I'm so sorry. I knew from the bottom of my heart. I knew that you liked him; but what am I supposed to do. What am I supposed to do when I like him too. I like him so much and I'm not willing  to give him up. He makes me a better me. I got my first kiss and you got heartbreak. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I made you feel like ****. I don't know what to do but I can't give him up. Not this one. All I can say is I'm sorry, but you had your chance.

Razors;

Just one
slash on the skin
and enough
blood will gush out
then it’s finished
you’re free
and dead

Poison;

Easy, not
one sweat would
drip from your skin.
Just drink
nonstop—
don’t pause to
catch a breath
because you wouldn’t be
needing it.

Choking;

A lot effort,
but will definitely do.
You will need some
time with yourself
and only you.
Tie the most beautiful
knot you could do,
then hang yourself
like one of your
favorite clothes.

Pills to sleep;

One,
two,
three—
doesn’t matter how many.
Drink it all,
and you will fall
deep asleep
and wouldn’t feel it hurt.
It’s just like
overcoming a nightmare.

Intentional Accident;

Wander around
the dark, quiet highway.
Sit for a while and
maybe write a little.
Look around, say,
"I’ll miss you."
And then by now
maybe a car in a hurry
would hit you.

Drowning;

Oh, how calm the
sea looks like.
Would I bother its
sleeping time
if I jumped in it
and hugged it
tight?

Trigger, pistol, gunpowder;

Daddy had a pistol
hidden in his drawer.
He said he would use it
if some bad person
tries to burgle.
He only knows of
one kind of bad person.
He never suspected
he was living with one.

Do you ever
get the feeling
that this life
isn't yours?

That you have no control?

That everyone
around you is
living and
you're just
breathing.
Watching.
Waiting.



For what?

Polite
Typical
Smiley
Daughter

Pointlessly
Trusting
School
District

Professor
Turns-blind-eye
Struggling
Drastically

Packets
Turn-to
Stacks
Deficient

Panic Attacks
Turn-to
Self
Destruction

Pulling
Teeth
Sick
Design

Plan­­s
To
Stop
Discussing

Peace
To-her
Silence
Disturbs

People
Talked
She
Distracted

Passed
The
Snacks-to
Dinners

Pulled
The
Same
Dimensions

Pre-K
Then
Smaller
Didn't

Pause
Third-Grade
So
Dead

Parents
Though
She
Drowned

Piled
Thoughts
Suffocated-her
Dexterity

Patient
There
Suffering
Depression

Problems
To-many-to
Score
Dispute

Progress
That
Shockingly
Developed

Potentially
Taken-away-the
Suffering
Dramatically

Poor
Tiny
Sweet
Doll

Par­­t
Traumatized
Sleep
Deprived

Phobic
though
Sixth grade
Doesn't

Play
Though
Six-Years-of
Death

Until... The little girl, learned she had,
Post
Traumatic
Stress
Disorder
and, school treating her badly is only one of her three traumatizing events.

Always saying I love you, baby.
But they’ve only been together a day.
Captivated by the way the
Darkness of each other’s pupils grow
Every time they touch.
Forcing the kind of relationships, but more of the
Groping, that they saw in the movies.
Heated make out sessions in the church youth room, with
Intensity that could make strippers blush.
Juxtaposing every inch of their bodies.
Knowing what to do only because of what they
Learned in health class. Trying to
Master the art of *** and what they call love,
Not caring who knows. Living off each
Other’s breaths. Fabricating
Plans and stories for their parents when they’re caught
Quietly sneaking back into their
Rooms at four in the morning,
Shutting their doors and their eyelids,
Tracing remnant goose bumps.
Until the sun shines into their windows,
Violating their dreams of Cinderella and Prince Charming,
Washing the night from their skin, and shoving their
******* memories to the back and hiding them in a drawer.
Yearning to be touched again, by whom ever the next
Zephyr can blow into their neighborhood.

They say when you have Autism
That you are this helpless person
A person who doesn't know anything
That no one cares about you
Or they bring pity to you

I say otherwise

I am not helpless
I know how to do things
I know how to live life
People care about  me
I don't want you pity

I am Autistic

The problem with love is that it’s as painful to lose
as it is beautiful to hold.
I was the eye of a needle in the eye of a storm;
Everything calm and clear where we stood under parity
Oblivious to my distant surroundings
And obsessed with the clarity.
Fresh air never smelt so good.
I knew they never truly felt I could survive but I could.
Now everything’s clear
And I am, this time, prepared;
My glass is half full but I’ll be careful not to spill my thoughts again.
My farcical haul through rugged-rough storms
And trivial pain
Has come to an unexpected but welcomed end.

Can't you tell when I
say "I"m fine" of
how much pain and sadness
there is in my eyes?
When you ask me how I am.
I almost start to cry, but I just manage
to tell you such an easy lie.
And then I go home, wanting to die,
you still think I'm fine because you
didn't catch that horrible lie.

It was sweet
light
and fast.
However, the feeling will always last.
It sent bolts of lightening down my spine,
And sparks of electricity through my soul.
A gust of wind across my mind,
And a bond that seemed indestructible.
That feeling of perfection.
That feeling of protection
Making my head spin in all directions.
How could such complexity come from such a light touch?

It seemed so safe
So innocent
So lovely
However, it meant so much more.
For this light connection opened doors.
This little joke, a small playful score.
How did it turn to something so magical?

It was light as a feather
Soft as a cloud
Sweet as candy
And addictive like a drug
This small connection could only be a kiss
A true kiss;
That wakes a princess from her sleep,
Turns a toad into a prince.

A kiss that happens in dreams
In fairy tales
And fantasies
However, it was real.
It was my first real fairy tale kiss.

Darkness is my savior
It is my home
It is the place where I feel free

Me and the darkness
We have a connection
Without it, I'm lost
Without me the world is bright

So you see
I need the darkness
It is my home
It is the place where I can be free.

In this life we
live there is a
time to give, to
give thanks for
what we have
what we do
who we are
as we stand and
shine like the
brightest star.

In this time of thanks
we try to see
the goodness of gathering
with family
hoping that the closing
will hold the key
to an opening for better
in the new year to be.

The gathering of family
at holiday events
should NOT be about
the bling
the number of presents.
It should be about
time together
genuinely,
that idea seems so
given, hello
maybe it's just me.

we're told from a young age
that we should tell an adult
if we're being abused
but what if you've pushed
it so far back into your mind
that you can't remember who
or what
or when
or how

i know it happened
i know it did
but what if the only way
i can talk about it
is online
with strangers
who don't know me
in a poem

abuse is scary
****** abuse haunts me
i need to get it out
it's been 5 years
but i can't move on