******* down your throat.
that's all it takes.
nobody has to know...

so fat, disgusting,
look at you.
i wish i weighed nothing.
how can you ever be considered pretty...*
...if i still just look like me

why do you continue to ignore me
why do you continue to ignore me

don't you see that my heart is breaking
it's your fault i've been left this way

why do you continue to ignore me
my life is falling apart ever since you left
my life is falling apart and i've got nothing left

you packed up and walked away
no strings attached
nothing connecting us of course
because i tied all my strings into a bow
as pretty as her
as pretty as i wish i was
so sorry john green but i've no strings left to snap in me

why do you continue to ignore me
i've written song and song and poem about you
i was fine being nothing
until you made me something
i'd rather be no one and untouched
than someone left behind collecting dust

i was good enough for you until i wasn't
your brown eyes would look into mine
and you told me i was beautiful
and you told me i was beautiful
and you told me
told me you'd never leave me

why do you continue to ignore me
why do you continue to ignore me
why did you walk away with all my strings
unraveling off of your back

you
ask to
see me

but my hips
are a little too
ragged right
now

to have
your hands
grabbing
at them

Why are all the good things scary
You'd think that flying would be breathtaking and exhilarating
But
All I can think about
Is how close I am to falling
It's suffocating

Waiting on my back on the stone bench at my second home. Outside with my feet tucked up on the bench and my head back. Ear-buds in listening to the radio. Waiting. Holding my arms up above my face with a book, reading. Or perhaps just watching the clouds. Waiting.
            I’d get a text asking where I was and asking if we could meet up. I’d answer. The car would pull up and then they would get out and walk up. Of course they’d laugh and ask what I was doing. The fresh air is good for me I’d reply grinning. We’d just do something simple then. Together. Something utterly childish. They’d think it was great and so would I. The fact that we weren't like everyone else wouldn't bother them. Wouldn't bother us because we were happy with or without it. The way it should be. And it would be perfect. Because we’d be together.
            I love him. He’s my best friend.

I am riddled with holes;
Poked, prodded, punctured.


                                        Names called
                                        that drill their way
                                        into my stomach and thighs.

                       Words yelled
                       that dance
                       around my ears in pinpricks.

                                                     ­  Slaps given, shoved up
                                                       against the wall until
                                                       my arms are swiss cheese.

           Sinisterly sickening hands
           that crave more and
           leave my legs riddled with bulletholes.

                                                   ­                   What he wants
                                                                ­      taken, forced out of me so that
                                                                ­      I've been gouged with a knife.

The same knife I hold
against my neck that
threatens my life.

Lets talk about how years evolve from days,
And when it comes to me, no one ever stays.

I've been praying for a sign
But I've been pretending not to see
Claiming I can't read
Yet here I am, dumbstruck on the ground
Knocked off my feet
And there is no easy way to piece your life together
All we can do is have hope
And you've always given me hope
You've always been my wistful hope

***** little *******
Get your hands off her
She gave birth to you
She brought you into this world
And she's on her way out
At least he doesn't hit her
He only hits you
I suppose that's why
You take everything out on me
And your mother too

"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.

Once, I looked into your eyes and I saw arrogance, a layer coating sincerity.
Twice, I looked into your eyes and I saw fear and strength waging war.
Thrice, I looked into your eyes and I saw a desire to repair the broken.

But now I no longer see depth, turmoil, or compassion.
I see another broken soul pretending for the audience,
To play the part they're expected to live.

Occasionally I've seen you break the second wall,
And connect to the spectators looking in on your life.
And your character's mask did fall to the floor at times --
Long enough to get a good look at the boy inside --
Before we both resumed our true professions
As tricksters and jokers, jesters and puppets.
The lights are dimmed now, so they can't see our bursting seems.

...save everyone," they said.

                                                                    They were right,
                                                                          I died trying.

I often wish you met me first.

If only we met before
they gave you promises of desire
they were never sure they'd keep,
before they used you
to fill their boredom in between.
I wish there was a way you'd
let yourself love me,
or try to.

I want to give you
anything and everything
you could ask for.
But you only strip off the parts
that you feel can't hurt you.
I can only guess that
the part of you that wants me too
is the same part that doesn't want to
lose yourself in someone else like them.

I just wish you met me first.

One month.
I'm still waiting
For myself
To find a way
To **** this up.

She rises at night,
As new or full,
And she pulls him to his feet.

He rises at the sight of her,
A reflection of her old self,
Yet still illuminated
In her inconsistent darkness.

When she is unbalanced
He aches to compensate,
Attempts to return her kindness,
But he is left merely trying,
With her unsure of dying.

For the moon can raise the tide,
But the tide can't light the moon.

Maybe I'm a little twisted and dark,
But I thought you liked it that way.
So I play with scissors and knives and darts...
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
I draw graphic stabbings and maimings,
You never said you liked your girls sweet.
Why did you ask for fresh strawberries?
I've always been more of a rotten lemon.
How was I to know you wanted a nice girl,
When you always loved to call me a ***** girl?
I thought I was your dark girl, dark angel.
You used to love the way I wanted to bite,
Bite you until I made you bled warm and red.
Now when I write you notes about butchering,
You abandon ship off the starboard side.
I wanted us to drown together darling,
But I suppose I can drown you alone...

One of the saddest things is
We never got to fly together.
You were the one I could turn to,
When the one I usually turned to
Became unbearably intolerable,
But you never got to roll 'em
While I popped caps off.
So, I ******* hope you're happy,
Because you flew yourself into a tower,
And I'm flapping circles.
And it's funny, because
Everything you did was for everyone else
But me? I just hate myself.

This is                                                                  ­        going to be
one of those nights                                                        I hopelessly
                                                       wait
up for you                                                                  ­ only to be
disappointed again,                                                      isn'­t it?

I don't want someone
So illuminated
With a bright light
Too keep me up at night

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

I want to be your moon
With you as my sun
I ache to be your dark sky
Touched by your brilliant stars

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

I don't need black
Or white
I need both, harmony
That you bring

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

memory and thought are a curse,
for they are drenched with you.
i wish not to be so blunt, so terse,
oh, i do long for you.
the fear of breaking
by the hands of another,
is what prevents me from
being your lover.
inescapable.
i run from the inevitable.
i want you.

As I'm dipping pretzels in my tea
My cat wanders on up to me

He rubs at my leg, as if to say
I know how you feel, you wish he'd stay

He climbs on my lap, looks me in the eyes
I know you wish he were here tonight
I know you miss him -- I miss him too

But then I realize, he probably just wants some food

Autumn is kissing the swamp maples
and God it feels like foreplay
The air is hinting at the frost to come
and it dances on my tongue
and crawls down my throat
The breeze grips me
like fingernails down my spine
My toes curl and my breath fogs
as I drink down the taste

Possessing a lover can be a feeling so addictive
and I've never know a lust like this

peck, peck, peck
on my face
on my neck

peck, peck, peck
at my feet
at my heart

feathers all around
crowding my vision
filling my lungs

drowning, crowded
by birds
beasts of the sky

pulling in
crouching to the ground
reaching my lowest means

then quiet
quiet
quiet

quiet as dark as the crowded noise
the crows
that have overwhelmed me

   -   -   -

softly, quietly
i am approached
i lift up my head

to be greeted
by a sole, gentle
dove ~

When you sacrifice me to your friends,
Do you feel like a god?
When you slap me across the face,
When you play me like your guitar,
In front of them all,
Do you feel good,
Feel better?
Because you just killed a girl
Who only wrote you love letters.

My consumption is somehow sinful but in a fabricated way that makes honey seem like cyanide, or perhaps just the opposite (, I'm not sure in truth). Delight is suppressed by my self-skepticism working to root out my faithful and trusting naivete. Somehow skepticism gets lost in my incessant wanderings and wonderings and surely in my pensive ponderings. I debate what your truth is and if you have seen the same paintings that hang in my walls and in my memories. It must be acknowledged, the chance that you have forgotten and remembered the entire Nothing. My only prayer is that you might have insomnia.

I want to get drunk
                         So I can talk to you
I wnat to get durnk
                         So I can kiss you
i wnta to gte dnruk
                         So I can tell you
iwnttgtdrnk
                         So I can *******
Like you **** with my head