Why are all the good things scary
You'd think that flying would be breathtaking and exhilarating
But
All I can think about
Is how close I am to falling
It's suffocating

you
ask to
see me

but my hips
are a little too
ragged right
now

to have
your hands
grabbing
at them

Once, I looked into your eyes and I saw arrogance, a layer coating sincerity.
Twice, I looked into your eyes and I saw fear and strength waging war.
Thrice, I looked into your eyes and I saw a desire to repair the broken.

But now I no longer see depth, turmoil, or compassion.
I see another broken soul pretending for the audience,
To play the part they're expected to live.

Occasionally I've seen you break the second wall,
And connect to the spectators looking in on your life.
And your character's mask did fall to the floor at times --
Long enough to get a good look at the boy inside --
Before we both resumed our true professions
As tricksters and jokers, jesters and puppets.
The lights are dimmed now, so they can't see our bursting seems.

The piano
The guitar
I've always been drawn to them
I remember
You had me up in your room
Wanting to show me
To strum for me
Introduce me to
The unknown
But I left you
For his piano
For his drums
While you tried
Desperately for me to
Listen to the cords that you played
When I finally looked back
When I decided to listen
You no longer wanted me to stay
As you took me home
I realized my mistake

I am riddled with holes;
Poked, prodded, punctured.


                                        Names called
                                        that drill their way
                                        into my stomach and thighs.

                       Words yelled
                       that dance
                       around my ears in pinpricks.

                                                     ­  Slaps given, shoved up
                                                       against the wall until
                                                       my arms are swiss cheese.

           Sinisterly sickening hands
           that crave more and
           leave my legs riddled with bulletholes.

                                                   ­                   What he wants
                                                                ­      taken, forced out of me so that
                                                                ­      I've been gouged with a knife.

The same knife I hold
against my neck that
threatens my life.

"I love you."
Words can't touch me anymore.
My skin is coated in lies
Nothing penetrates.
My last hope is caught in my throat
And I can't swallow it,
Bumps and bruises are hidden behind
"I'm fine," "I'm just tired."
Words are branded into my skin.
They have left layers of scars
So thick there's no room left to carve -
So imprinted there's nothing left to root.
Nothing more to say to boot.
Prickly like a porcupine, consonants stick off of me,
Petruding like my long buried personality
Used to,
Like my personality used to.
Vowels form a new face of expressions
I was once able to pen for myself
But now
I can't.
I wear words instead of speak them;
I wear words like a coat of armor on top of my numb skin.
I swear words don't even touch me anymore.
There is no need to carry a shield ,
Instead you built for me a castle.
And I'm somewhere inside,
Untouched.

As I'm dipping pretzels in my tea
My cat wanders on up to me

He rubs at my leg, as if to say
I know how you feel, you wish he'd stay

He climbs on my lap, looks me in the eyes
I know you wish he were here tonight
I know you miss him -- I miss him too

But then I realize, he probably just wants some food

******* down your throat.
that's all it takes.
nobody has to know...

so fat, disgusting,
look at you.
i wish i weighed nothing.
how can you ever be considered pretty...*
...if i still just look like me

I often wish you met me first.

If only we met before
they gave you promises of desire
they were never sure they'd keep,
before they used you
to fill their boredom in between.
I wish there was a way you'd
let yourself love me,
or try to.

I want to give you
anything and everything
you could ask for.
But you only strip off the parts
that you feel can't hurt you.
I can only guess that
the part of you that wants me too
is the same part that doesn't want to
lose yourself in someone else like them.

I just wish you met me first.

Lets talk about how years evolve from days,
And when it comes to me, no one ever stays.

Maybe I'm a little twisted and dark,
But I thought you liked it that way.
So I play with scissors and knives and darts...
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
Is the blood on the wall too much for you?
I draw graphic stabbings and maimings,
You never said you liked your girls sweet.
Why did you ask for fresh strawberries?
I've always been more of a rotten lemon.
How was I to know you wanted a nice girl,
When you always loved to call me a ***** girl?
I thought I was your dark girl, dark angel.
You used to love the way I wanted to bite,
Bite you until I made you bled warm and red.
Now when I write you notes about butchering,
You abandon ship off the starboard side.
I wanted us to drown together darling,
But I suppose I can drown you alone...

I've been praying for a sign
But I've been pretending not to see
Claiming I can't read
Yet here I am, dumbstruck on the ground
Knocked off my feet
And there is no easy way to piece your life together
All we can do is have hope
And you've always given me hope
You've always been my wistful hope

...save everyone," they said.

                                                                    They were right,
                                                                          I died trying.

Autumn is kissing the swamp maples
and God it feels like foreplay
The air is hinting at the frost to come
and it dances on my tongue
and crawls down my throat
The breeze grips me
like fingernails down my spine
My toes curl and my breath fogs
as I drink down the taste

Possessing a lover can be a feeling so addictive
and I've never know a lust like this

One month.
I'm still waiting
For myself
To find a way
To **** this up.

She rises at night,
As new or full,
And she pulls him to his feet.

He rises at the sight of her,
A reflection of her old self,
Yet still illuminated
In her inconsistent darkness.

When she is unbalanced
He aches to compensate,
Attempts to return her kindness,
But he is left merely trying,
With her unsure of dying.

For the moon can raise the tide,
But the tide can't light the moon.

One of the saddest things is
We never got to fly together.
You were the one I could turn to,
When the one I usually turned to
Became unbearably intolerable,
But you never got to roll 'em
While I popped caps off.
So, I ******* hope you're happy,
Because you flew yourself into a tower,
And I'm flapping circles.
And it's funny, because
Everything you did was for everyone else
But me? I just hate myself.

***** little *******
Get your hands off her
She gave birth to you
She brought you into this world
And she's on her way out
At least he doesn't hit her
He only hits you
I suppose that's why
You take everything out on me
And your mother too

This is                                                                  ­        going to be
one of those nights                                                        I hopelessly
                                                       wait
up for you                                                                  ­ only to be
disappointed again,                                                      isn'­t it?

I don't want someone
So illuminated
With a bright light
Too keep me up at night

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

I want to be your moon
With you as my sun
I ache to be your dark sky
Touched by your brilliant stars

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

I don't need black
Or white
I need both, harmony
That you bring

I want someone with contrast
Darkness, shadows
That makes the white whiter
And the black blacker

I want your darkness to add to my light
And my daybreak to enhance your night

My consumption is somehow sinful but in a fabricated way that makes honey seem like cyanide, or perhaps just the opposite (, I'm not sure in truth). Delight is suppressed by my self-skepticism working to root out my faithful and trusting naivete. Somehow skepticism gets lost in my incessant wanderings and wonderings and surely in my pensive ponderings. I debate what your truth is and if you have seen the same paintings that hang in my walls and in my memories. It must be acknowledged, the chance that you have forgotten and remembered the entire Nothing. My only prayer is that you might have insomnia.

Stupid, stupid girl.
You've always been the addict, huh?
Leave him be,
He doesn't even want you,
Doesn't need you.
You're so dependent on him.
You keep breaking your rules,
Not that you were ever very good at keeping them.

First you needed pictures, images -- to feel? --
Then words, delicate and *****.
Hell knows you've always needed pain
And more, ever since you found it could be harnessed.
Plus you've been struggling with fumes for years now.

He isn't a high.
He's a hangover.

When are you going to let go?
You need to let go.

Words unspoken, dreams unreached
The spell is broken; time's incomplete.
My eyes now closed as you speak to me,
My heart is folded and it's corners weep.
The tears that gather here are not mine,
Just as the rain as it falls belongs to none,
But by the time it's gathered is nearly gone...

memory and thought are a curse,
for they are drenched with you.
i wish not to be so blunt, so terse,
oh, i do long for you.
the fear of breaking
by the hands of another,
is what prevents me from
being your lover.
inescapable.
i run from the inevitable.
i want you.

When you sacrifice me to your friends,
Do you feel like a god?
When you slap me across the face,
When you play me like your guitar,
In front of them all,
Do you feel good,
Feel better?
Because you just killed a girl
Who only wrote you love letters.

I want to get drunk
                         So I can talk to you
I wnat to get durnk
                         So I can kiss you
i wnta to gte dnruk
                         So I can tell you
iwnttgtdrnk
                         So I can *******
Like you **** with my head

the rim of your beer can
tastes like your stale cigarettes
i choke on the lingering flavor
persistent in my mind
you're overwhelming from afar
if we were closer perhaps
i would build up immunities
to your snares that have me
caught up and falling
head over heals drowning
only at the rim of your beer can