peck, peck, peck
on my face
on my neck

peck, peck, peck
at my feet
at my heart

feathers all around
crowding my vision
filling my lungs

drowning, crowded
by birds
beasts of the sky

pulling in
crouching to the ground
reaching my lowest means

then quiet
quiet
quiet

quiet as dark as the crowded noise
the crows
that have overwhelmed me

   -   -   -

softly, quietly
i am approached
i lift up my head

to be greeted
by a sole, gentle
dove ~

quietly
please don't look at me
fill me
with immense anxiety

i'm not here
i'm not real
intensely numb
cannot feel

unimportant to you and your day
please don't acknowledge me, stay away
the background - let me become
it's all i really want when the day is done

fade away, throwaway
is all i'll ever be
i'm impossibly unimportant
insignificantly me

People will look and see.

               I'm too fat for that.
       I'm covered in moles like polkadots.
               I have scars that aren't even a little ****.
       I have too many bones everywhere.
               I don't live up to my own expectations.
                       How could ever I live up to anyone else's?

  My body
     Isn't
   Worth
   Seeing

Don't forget to remember me
         when you think and wonder ridiculous thoughts
Don't forget to remember me
         when you hold a book upside down and pretend to read
Don't forget to remember me
         when you're friendless writing poetry

Don't forget to remember me
         when you go watch other girls preform and dance
Don't forget to remember me
         when you're tangled up in lonely sheets
Don't forget to remember me
         when you look at the clock and it's 2 A.M.

Thanks for the less-than beautiful breaks.
Thanks for the leaving leaving leaving.
Thanks for empty promise on top of empty promise.
Thanks for the words, every name I believe is true.
Thanks for the continued surprises, keeping the torment fresh, new.
Thanks for the wicked hope you've given me.

I'm just sitting here
Eating the ice cream you love
With my heart growing colder
My soul feeling older
I remember your smile
It hitting your eyes
The fire glowing as bright
As the spark between us
With your absence so is the light

There is nothing to do here
But dress in black
Black and leather
And walk around in the dark
Bumming cigarettes and love
Off of people
You pretend not to know

Your kiss leaves an acid ring that devours my skin
This isn't what I had in mind when you asked me to sin

Your taste is like cold ash sitting on my tongue
You said swallowing fire was supposed to be fun

You tore me apart and never quite pieced me back together
Now I'm hooked on your burn and I'll need it forever

Running your fingers down my arms I lean into your touch
But you always back away and laugh claiming I want too much

I'm addicted to the way your hands mar my flesh
I'm chasing your love like I'm chasing my death

If I could leave you I would but I'm masochistic
If I escaped your torture I know that I'd miss it

Fingers slide down your throat
It's hard to forget, as you choke
Every bite you took today
Stupid girl, disgusting shape

Watch it come back one by one
Tasting it twice is half the fun
See the colors mix and swirl
Till your marker appears in the bowl

Wash your face, wipe your mouth
Now that you're sure it's all out
Look your reflection in the eye
Smile, like you don't want it to die

Think of me
Like a handful of twigs
Frail and dying
Held together by
Knotted strings
Everything all tangled
Twisted and dysfunctional

Just a bunch of twigs
That's me
Not branches, strong
Not leaves, vibrant
Just a bunch of twigs
Snapping apart
Strings unsupporting

"Don't you feel flattered?"
she inquired, confused --
in more ways than one,
though she didn't know it.

"People compliment you,
and you are so unappreciative."*
That is what she told me,
believing I needed a scolding.

Maybe I'm just tired of
people only caring about
how 'nice' my *** looks;
maybe I want more to matter.

I am a half-smirk grinner
an addict and a sinner

I am lonely and broken
a screamer yet soft spoken

I am dead serious
could be delirious

I am not one to eat food
on words I'd rather chew

I am a running joke
the fire and the smoke

I am the forgotten
lost and unwanted


I am the last one picked
I am twisted
And I am sick

Made yourself a barbwire collar
Choking has always been what you're best at
Carve a smile into your face
Don't let them think you are a needy little brat

I'm just thinking of the man with his flawless rhymes and carefully calculated poems
And of the most poetic boy I've ever known
Wondering why I associated both of them with the color green

      ~       ~       ~

Green eyes
I've always wanted green eyes
Green is money
Green is growth
Green is spring
Green is life
But I've seen too much death
I've touched too much death
I've caused too much death
I've loved death
I've chased it, begged it, taunted it
Death is around me
I suppose that explains the blackness of my eyes

But your eyes
Oh the eyes that take away the pain
Those warm comforting eyes
That belong to a man I love so much it kills me every time I have to say goodbye
The man who I so desperately want to share everything with
The man who protects me
Who saves me
Saves me from the lies I tell without even speaking
My best friend that I can never keep
He is only on loan for brief moments
The moments I truly need him
The man who gave me love
The man who made me greater than myself

But your eyes
The hypnotizingly icy eyes of the boy I wanted to desire
I desired more than I was allowed
More than he allowed
More than they allowed
More than I could have
I lied lies he didn't believe
I guess that proves it
He was always smarter than me
A boy with eyes that could ****
Held his kindness close to his heart
He showed it to me in fleeting shadows and whispers
The boy who let me take a breath, though perhaps I held it in for too long

Today is the day you last said hello
I wonder how long it will last
I'm turning my back to the sunrise
If I don't see it how will I know it has passed
But of course you're the sun
And you're not nearly done
But your light is dripping out of sight as you hurt
Tomorrow I'll wake and wonder if the days will still remain
Or if we will ever be the same
Yet 'till then I'll lay down my head
In my dreams you still shine
And I have to squint tight my eyes
Upon waking it is for you I pray
I pray your rays may glow and you I might behold
As the sun greets the day

Why'd you have to drop it?

**** thing wasn't already broken enough?

Red blemishes appear,
And they fester and burst.
Crawling fast, they tear.

No one screams.
No one remembers they hurt.

The skin turns dead --
Flesh black not red --
Bodies becoming dirt.

In the distance is heard
One last choke,
One last word,
Mumbled through the smoke.

Ash rains down.
In this blood they will drown.

And a small voice mutters
                                                 "don't".

I still want you, but I know know you aren't worth it.
You aren't worth it, so I'm over you.
So over you, that I dream about you.
I dream about talking to you.
Talking to you, I'd push you.
Push you back against the wall and tell you.
I'd tell you I want you and plant my lips.
I'd plant my lips all over you, making your skin bloom.
Skin bloom and desire sigh.
Desiring sighing, let's go somewhere private.
Somewhere private, I'll at last show you after months.
After months of built up ****** frustration, you'll see.
You'll see what I've been wanting for so long to show you.
I'll show you what you've been missing.

tell me i'm being a dramatic brat
because i'm the one
who turned you down
i threw you away

you have saved my life
too many times to count
i tried to give you space
these long years
six years ago
you met me
and i was a doll
and you were a bird
and now i am nothing

i expected to be your last
pick as it's been
for the past years after
she told you no as always
i actually expected that
i'm such a *****

but she said yes
she told you yes

i remember
when we were thirteen
back when we were thirteen
and now you're and adult
and i'm not far behind
and you said she'd be with him
and in my head i added that
you'd be with me
you'd be with me
it seems i've always been
a presumptuous little *****

i can't believe
i'm crying over you
you always made me cry
more than anyone
even back when i was twelve
do you remember when
we were twelve
and you told your instructor about
how you gave me my insomnia
you were the start
of the problem that still
haunts me at late hours
but you were the start
you were the start of me
of so much good
you are the only one who knows
the secret i won't tell a soul
not another soul
just us alone
you are the first one
the first one i loved selflessly

i tried to give you space
i know i came back a few times
but i tried to forget you
in other men
because you proved to me
not all men were
*** driven pigs
utter *******
like i grew up with

and i asked last year
i asked why not me
what with all our chemistry and how
you're the only one
i have ever let touch me
with out panicking
you are the only one
i asked why
and you gave me the reason
the one thing i cannot change
and i weep over it bitterly
that the only thing keeping me from you
is perhaps
the thing i love most about you

and i wanted one night to feed
my craving for all the nights
but she took it from me
the sweet girl
who has the one thing
i do not
the sweet girl
you met a year before me
and you fell in love with
seven years ago
a year before i fell for you
i love you

i just wanted that one night
one night
a girl who is devastated
over one night of her life
tell me i'm being a dramatic brat
because i threw you away first
and you haven't given me
a second chance i don't deserve
~

I'm afraid to ask
for fear of disappointment
but do you remember
what you meant to me
you pervert
in the back of the room
all the ***** jokes
they changed
into prayers
not too sure which
I miss more
dancing in the bowling alley
your contacts traded for
glasses that are a turn on
the beach
with me wearing
your pants
on the subway home
no flashlights in the dark
tripping into each other
on through the orchard
my cheek brushing
your unshaven face
me clasped tight
not wanting to let go
do you remember
the conversations we had
how could you
just let go so easily
and start a new life
when you're the only one I ever had

pick your poison
so i believe it goes
doesn't matter what
as long as it helps you forget

wake up worse
than you were before
double the dose
is the only solution i know

lying here
numb to the world
i look up at the sky
so far gone i forget to remember why

This is me
falling apart
on my bathroom floor,
bleeding and lost,
**** razor
left me sore.

I hope that you understand
the power
I've given you.

My love
is a weapon
in your hands,
if you're cruel.

I'm held together
by tape,
shallow optimism,
and hope;
by the faint memories
of better days.

Please,
for now,
just give me
your hand.

You don't have to
help me up,
just let me hold it
for a while.

I remember learning Augustana's Boston
Because you made my keys alive with it
As Luck ran about your legs
Luck died and we did too, in a way

I am the undead, and you are the ghost
In wisps you appear, in whispers you speak
You haunt in place of love

I prefer to devour hearts
I cry out for help, but no one can hear me
My lips are sown shut but they forgot my eyes

I've forgotten how to play Boston
So I guess that means you won't
                           Come home

Why did I have to notice
     Your crystal clear blue eyes
     Your hair that reached your eyes
     Your lips that I seldom saw smile
     Your fingers I've been aching to hear play
     Your quiet

                        I love your quiet
                         I love your fingers
                         I love your lips
                         I love your hair
                         I love your eyes

I can't un-notice you
I tried hard to
*But I can't help but love you

prettier than me
i can see what you mean
with her striking blue eyes
it's no surprise
mine are brown
and don't make you drown
prettier than me
shorter and cute
not this awkward height
too short or too tall
she can make you laugh
i don't do much laughing lately
how grand it is
she actually has a personality
and i'm merely just
me

I've never been addicted to drugs
I've never been addicted to ****
I have been told I'm a good kisser
I have been told I'm a good stripper
I've gone streaking
I've gone skinny dipping

forget about me
but don't forget about me
because if you forget me
i'll die
i'm like tinkerbell
if you stop believing in me
i'll die
if you forget about me
i'll die
but i want you to forget about me
so i can have peace
and try to forget about you
you need to get out of my head
please
i can't evict you
i don't have that kind of strength
so i need you to remove yourself
i need you to metaphorically die
so i know you won't come back to life
like you've been doing
stay dead
stay away
stop making me fall apart
every time you say
                                                                ­     **hello

Want to play a game
Lie to me
See what happens
It will be so fun to watch me at war with myself
My natural inclination to trust
Versus my accumulated skepticism

Oh it will drive me mad you see
Throwing my limbs against the wall
Trying to see how far they'll bounce off
And when I discern the situation
I become a lot more cold
Than you are used to
The one who dried your tears
Turns their back
Says grow up

Now every word
Every act will be treated as lies
Because once I find one lie
I will give up on finding any truth

Tell me again how I'm fat
Tell me again how I'm a *****
Tell me again how I'm an idiot
Tell me again how I'm scarred and marked
Tell me again how I'm useless

                                         I'm fast approaching 90 pounds
                                         I'm one mistake from a ******
                                         I'm in NHS and my GPA is high
                                         I'm a warrior wounded
                                         I'm a support-group leader

Tell me again,
     because I already tell myself.
I'm so used to hearing lies,
      I'll believe them anyway.

At two in the morning
I told you I'd
Locked myself in the closet
Again
I couldn't bare to listen
But you knew the walls
Were thin

You told me to wait
And you'd take me
Away
From this place

At two in the morning
You pulled up
I climbed out my window
And ran to the street

Italian rock bands
In your speakers
Drowning out the house
Behind

I was just 15 you an "adult"
And I had a boyfriend
I didn't love
Though none of it mattered
No
None of that mattered

As we passed the
Townline
I choked on a cry
And you stayed silent

Pulled up to your place
At two in the morning
Air hockey tournament
In your basement
Until

I was safe

Shh, don't tell
Shh, don't tell
Is what he says
As he puts me
Through hell*

I was so unafraid
And utterly brilliant
My peace was taken by him
Now my brilliant light is dim