I don’t know why I ever started,
Maybe I was just trying to fill the empty void I felt inside.
Chasing the rush of happiness,
The sheer euphoria I craved.
The bad memories diminishing like a million shooting stars in the night sky,
Every thin white line making me forget the cold, hard truth.
I am an addict,
The person I swore to myself that I would never be.
I don’t know how to stop,
But the saddest part is I don’t want to.

From the beginning:

It’s a new year and I quit my job
**** it, I’ll never be good at serving
Directionless in 2013
January.
It’s unusually warm.

Your presence in the room is a rock in my shoe
You’re so cool
And I’m a mess.
Remember, you called me Heather in bed?
And I made you go home?
Well.
I forget.

Now we’re crossing the street
For your birthday, it’s your birthday,
Makers Mark, count ‘em, 2 ounces at a time.
Stacked up like unread texts and why don’t you like me’s
I don’t remember
But I’m probably crying

Flash in to outside
God it’s like 60
Deciding to go with you
Asking you to kiss me

(I had a long term boyfriend in my 20s
And his mother would buy me toilet paper for Christmas
The gift of hindsight is kind of like that:
Practical and helpful and a ****** of a gift)

Today is 9 years to the day
My parents know and they’re on their way
The nurse thinks I might be paralyzed
11 broken bones and two black eyes

This is the end of the beginning
Which is the easy part
I’ve never been able to write it all down
Spin it into art

Be warned, I can’t guarantee poetry
From a patched-but-still-leaking heart.

Asphyxiated
High on sleeping pills,
A human form lies in bed,
Who knows what grief snatched
the bag of life from him,
Now he sleeps like a body
conquered by death,

I knew him once, he was a jolly creature,
the life of party, the dream of every girl,
drank wine like Romeo kissing Juliet,
danced a happy dance which his moving-shaking
limbs professed the inner detention,
But one day, he vanished, making parties lifeless,
girls restless, and Wine heartbroken,
He was amid us but so far,

I wonder about my inaction,
why I never invited him in
when he daily came asking for his room key.

You fought like a madman,
For that last coke crumb

You scraped and scraped.
And, yes, desired the warmth

Spreading through your veins
Ah, your favorite longtime love.

You popped pills, did crank,
And drank and drank, and drank

But you washed it all down
With our tears.

My life was perfect from the very start
So perfect—life imitating art
Breezed through college effortlessly
Dream job gift-wrapped just for me

Perfect add-on to my fairy tale life
Matrimony with the perfect wife
Children followed, our perfect family
None of this would have longevity

(Chorus)
Pleading with you to forgive me
But there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
A less than perfect man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
On my knees begging for mercy
But there is no mercy for the perfect
They say a righteous man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect

Success was nearly at my finger tips
Just couldn’t stop my lying lips
Sought better living through chemistry
Rushed headlong into calamity

Took the deep dive into ***** & pills
Steeped in debauchery to get more thrills
Disregarded all the blessings in my life
Pushed away my kids and wife

(Chorus)
Pleading with you to forgive me
But there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
A less than perfect man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect
On my knees begging for mercy
But there is no mercy for the perfect
They say a righteous man may fall 7 times
But no forgiveness for the perfect

I could promise you, my dear, I’d change
For you my life I’d rearrange
But I won’t waste your precious time,
Your life no longer will I begrime—

I’ll stop asking for forgiveness
For there’s no forgiveness for the perfect
I’ll just live my life the way I choose
And hope that it is worth it
I’ll stop begging you for mercy
For there is no mercy for the perfect
I’ll just live my life, await my fate
There’s no forgiveness for the perfect

Kiss the children every night for me...
No forgiveness for the perfect


© 2020 Mark Toney.  All rights reserved.

“My love, you are fragile,”
I chant, rocking back and forth
On my bed, knees to my chest.
Your soul had been broken,
But don’t walk over the shards
With your bare feet.
Keep your head high, my dear,
Take it day by day, then eventually
Week by week.
You are not a wasted soul,
And don’t you ever dare claim to be weak.
Remember your roots,      
Because in unforgiving mud
Do lotus roots bury deep,
Yet the flowers muster the strength
And unbelievable courage
To reach fearlessly at sunlight,
Emerge from the surface,
Just to finally
Breathe.

All these beautiful trips,
With a suitcase filled with my sanity
On a trailer running on actual reality,
Sometimes I just wish
The people I care for from this world
Could maybe come and keep me company.
It gets lonely sometimes, but this trailer
Only has a single seat for the driver
Who is indeed, me.
People now worry,
But I can only take my foot off
The gas when I reach a place with no misery
In this very dimension we currently live in.
But how much longer will the drive
Take for my joy to no longer come to me naturally?
For now, it’s an endless trip,
Where pit stops are needed,
And sometimes they last a whole week.

Why is it that I only feel alive,
When there is no longer a sense of time.
I guess it makes sense,
The time on your life stops when
Your heart gives out, right?
I’m very much alive, physically at least,
But sometimes I want to feel it more,
So on nights like these,
Shrooms and a glass of sangria
Is all I really need.
I don’t need help,
This is how my spirit and inner peace
Violently, yet so gracefully, intertwine.
I won’t respond to you,
As in this moment, in this world, I am no longer alive,
But trust when I say that
Several dimensions away,
I’m doing just fine.

Oh my bittersweet Blue Dream,
How I longed for you all my life.
You opened my eyes and showed me
Just how the ocean lovingly held the sky.
Closed lids, my soul feels alive,
It’s true that you can only dream
When your spirit finds peace,
With you, there’s no need for such thing as time.
Running through this field of you,
Dilated pupils, a broadened field of view,
I’m no longer blinded,
As I stare deeper into your green eyes,
Your embrace brings me closer
To the joy that was once so hard to find.
You’re deep in my lungs,
You’re my blessing, my sweet bliss,
In my bloodstream is where I call you mine.

I waltzed on the dance floor with Ellie,
Hands around her waist,
Her face buried in my neck.
She smelt of sweet honey,
Soft to the taste,
But such a warm and beautiful wreck.
Our love was something else,
We were the delicate fragrant roses
That grew from concrete.
When I taste her under my tongue,
The room turns quiet,
Colours brighten,
And there’s finally some peace.