I want it to switch,
I want to startle you awake
so that you are greeted
by an empty darkness.

What scares me the most?
The moment you let go.

If I'm white noise,
You're static.

Light, light...
Why do they always call me that
In the time before they leave me?

I live in dark.
I am surrounded by dark.
I am dark.

Maybe I need light,
Maybe I'm the demon and I need an angel;
I'm tired of saving fallen angels,
Maybe I'm fallen.

And I need a light to save
Me.

I don't feel loved,
and I don't know why.
I don't feel loved by myself
or by anyone else.

I write my name
My label, my identifier
My word, my definer
I write my name
And it looks wrong, outgrown
Do I have the power, the control
The grip
To change it

Get a grip
Stop slipping
State the facts
Stop tripping

You’re 17 and you’re young
You’re 17 and you have metal in your head
You’re 17 and you have metal taste
Stuck on your tongue
Dripping off when you talk
Forming the puddles in which you walk
Pooling in words that burn
They are a curse slipping through the smile
That reaches your eyes
Only because you painted it there

With brown eyes you can't make friends
With brown eyes you cried until you couldn’t
With brown eyes you smile like it’s free
You quit dancing
You quit schooling
You quit pretending
You started pretending

I am not the same as the infant born 17 years ago
I am not the same as the name that they gave me
I am not the same as the others that held my name
I am separate from that title
I am something new, beyond
Something true and someone gone

Scar after scar twinkles in the light
Hair after hair is torn out every night
What do you call a work in progress
Incomplete is not my name
I am not quite obsolete
To many I appear petite
To many I should just retreat
What a privilege to be given something to cling to that you never desired to own
No, rain is not the same as snow

A name is not a name
My name is not my name
It is a label I stole from fame
Nicole Kidman is not my role model
But her role was my model
My mother was her model on set
But this is a stage on which we are players
And I will not give a verse a name that is not of my own creation
I will not credit the broken, glue-coated, splinters of myself
To some foreign and separate person
No, not to someone else

I begin to hear the screams
First softly
Then on top of me
Each inside me yet racing through me
Each heart beat is a pinprick
***** my skin and pierce my flesh
As you breathe
And I scream
I scream because I don't want you to forget the sound
The sound of people in pain
Sometimes you don't know them
Sometimes you don't know me
Pinpricks draw out my blood to show you proof of the color
I once beat read
I once beat black
Now my heart beats psychedelic screams
Visible screams
Printed on your eyelids

the eyes.
it's always the eyes that get me.
and i stopped seeing yours --
looking into those pools of blue...
trying to figure you out,
even though i already knew.
you've moved away,
though i suppose i've moved too.
i just didn't quite realize
how much of my muse
was you.

i want to scream in your face
because of what you say
stop being him
stop being him
i am not a game
can't we just be straightforward
for one **** conversation
stop dancing around me
stop fishing me in and giving me slack
i want to scream in your face

I was barren
A deserted landscape
Full of papercuts from my house of cards
And a tree with no more leaves
I would watch the earth crack
And pick at the places where the ground split
Until I was isolated
I couldn't move
All I could do was think
A task best done when morale is not so low
I was addicted to feeling pain
Pain that I could measure and prescribe myself
I self medicated with insults and inhalants
Mockery and mutalation
Addicted to my meds is what I became
So addicted to sadness
I never wanted it to leave

But here I am
Clean and cultivating
The fruit that
My new land has produced
And now I feel good
Mind and heart content
I can finally love you

Freshman year:
honor roll, top 15%, on the right track (academically)

Senior year:
failing 3/8 classes, thrown out of the honor society, crying

How do you do it?
How do you forget, move on?
How to you forget spending so many sunrises with a person?
A person who forced you out of your shell?
A person who, first the first time in four years, seemed like they
    actually cared?
A person who for once made you feel like you could amount to
    something?
Like you didn't have to force yourself into this cookiecutter image?
How do you forget someone who would talk to you untill 2, 3, 4
    every night?
How do you forget the soft, warmness of their sweatpants when
    you were freezing?
Someone who would drive out in the middle of the night just to
    see you?
How do you forget the first person to actually chase you down and
    wrap themselves around you until your wrist stopped bleeding?

why are the thoughts back
they arent supposed to be back
i dont want them
please go away
go away
AWAY
i just want to be poisoned
because i am poison
and i crave poison
the narcissist
i need to see my crystal clear reflection
that is disarmingly toxic
and delicious
oh my poison
my sweet poison
on my lips
i swallow you
swallow
swallow the truth
the truth is
i am gone

The drink stopped clouding

The chemicals stopped hazing

The pins stopped heightening

The blades stopped clearing

The poetry stopped calming

I need him
                    a new distraction
                                                    t­o make me
                                                              ­            forget everything that
Hurts

What day is today?
I haven't done much sleeping.
          I can't guess that look on your face...
     I pass right through you --
       Or you through me.
                                      ...The feeling is the same,
                                No matter the details.

          "The invisible hand,"
                                They say it guides us all.
            That, in combination
                                                  With your well measured affection,
                                           Is perhaps why I feel
                                                    so small.

Where did you go
Why won't you come back
It makes me sad
To think of all I lack
Perhaps it's silly
And you'll think me a fool
But I can't deny
That I'm still in love with you...

Please, tell me you're here to stay this time
            You are the only one I need to believe

Please, tell me I'm still somewhere inside
            You are the only one I might believe

Please, tell me you'll always have faith in me
            You are the only one I've ever believed

Please, tell me once again that you love me
            *You are the only one I want to believe

I'm not going to beg you to stay
I'm not going to sob please don't go
I'm not going to say you're too young
I'm not going to pretend it can all just be fixed

But I want you to know
I'll miss you everyday, like I already do
I'll pray for you everyday, like I already do
Some near four months ago now, when I joined this site
          you were my first like and follow
          you made me want to write, you still do

You are a comfort and an anchor
I only wish I could be the same for you
You are like my brother, but not, because you'd never hurt me
You make me feel like smiling and
          I wish I could show you my smile, give you my laugh
          give you back all the things you've given me

Late August this guy who called himself Magicath started following me
          and I thought it was the greatest thing ever
But what was greater was getting to know the Playlist Of Souls
          behind the screen name

Andy, I'm not going to ask you to stay for me, because no one's
          been able to do that before,
          never mind like this
But for you to stay
          is my own tearful, secret wish

~"g"

Whether or not I was "asking for it"
Shouldn't matter

soft voice
warm hands
kind words
a second chance

perfect eyes
crooked smile
strong gaze
please stay awhile

hushed tones
tender kiss
true promise
my only wish

Do you know what it's like to be me?
     To think so much
     Your eyes start to bleed
Do you know what it's like to be me?
     To hate your own reflection
     So much you can't eat
Do you know what it's like to be me?
     To despise your own addiction
     To the extent that you turn back to it
Do you know what it's like to be me?
     To be in so much pain
     More is what you need
Do you know what it's like to be me?
     To be terrified
     And want to die
Do you know what it's like to be me?

I love the way the rain feels on my skin
Washing away everything I've painted on it
Leaving me totally raw

Do you know what today is?
     Today is the two year anniversary
          Of when I began to confide in you
               On a late night drive back from Barnes & Noble
                    You wanted to buy me dinner
                         So by the light of your dashboard
                              I was forced to explain --
                                   I chose to tell you --
                                        That I had a problem and couldn't eat
                                             And you told me that I'd be okay
                                                  Which I later was
                                                       Up until the day you cut me out

My Response to Ember Evanescent's 10 Poets Challenge (incase you're incapable of reading titles I'll be momentarily redundant)
These are some of my favourite poets on the site, some of whom I know in real life (from B.H.P) others who I have discovered and come to know through the site these past few months (A.H.P.).

In alphabetical order, I'd like to pay tribute to:

A Sickening Love ~ skilled poetess and my extraordinary friend who writes heartbreakingly relatable poems. She gives me strength, always.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/ASickeningLove/

Andy ~ my first ever like and follow, I may be somewhat bias towards you, putting you here. He has such a beautiful, independent style.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/Hp/

Deafening Silence ~ the reason I joined this site. I've been poem-stalking them for years on Poem Hunter, and when I saw them on here... well, I felt prompted to join, so here I am. I am 100% in love with their work, and am also 100% frustrated because they've not been on since I joined so I haven't been able to tell them they inspire me so. (Sorry this is way longer than the others, I rambled some.)
>> http://hellopoetry.com/deafening-silence/

Gavin Barnard ~ posts work that I can relate to. He has a very passionate writing style and I highly recommend reading him.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/gavin-barnard/

Kay ~ is the love of my life. Just kidding. But Kay is my rose, she has been the peer-writer I have looked up to for as long as I can remember. She is so talented, I hope to be half the writer she is.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/dearestdarling/

konr ~ I get so excited when I see a new piece from konr. He has such a way with words that he leaves me breathless. Every. ****. Time.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/konr/

Layla Thurman ~ writes my thoughts most days. I'm not joking, she's incredible.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/walrusfaces/

Thomas King ~ is someone who, like konr, I look for his pieces and get completely wrapped up in his artistry. Utterly addicting.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/deplorability/

True Courage ~ makes a statement with each piece he writes. I am a huge fan, highly recommend.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/justin-devitt/

WM ~ is a genius. Please go read Walter's work, he is so talented. Huge fan of him.
>> http://hellopoetry.com/walter-m/

(Also, if you care, two of my favorite classics:
Christina Rossetti & W. H. Auden)

what do you want
from me
i can't see
your goal
whatever i do
i can't gauge your
reaction
do you
enjoy this
are you amused
confused
like me
disturbed
unperturbed
what do you want
from me
i'll give it
i'll be it
just tell me

I miss you
But I can't miss you
If I miss you
You win
Or I lose
Or something
And I keep losing
I keep breaking
I'm tired
So very tired
I wish I could sleep
But insomniacs don't sleep
When they throw away their
Lullabies

Here I am again
Cracked and broken
Heart ripped open
By the claws on the ends of my fingers
They are never coated in blood
A tidy sort of chaos
A mess-less, gutless dissection
Hollow space resides within
Emptied of everything
Shall we count the scars
Or will that bore you
To hear of the surgeries that came before
The operations and treatments
Self directed and self prescribed
By a med school dropout
Disgusting derelict defect
Split neatly into near halves
Tethered by a final pathetic stitch
That I am longing to rip
Free

I am the in between
The middle
The line
The bridge
The limbo
The paleness
The fence
The open
The link
The connection
The break
I am the in between

The first to be forgotten
The last to be seen

Let me quote you, so there is no confusion:
"**** me, **** me,"
"leave your mess for someone else to deal with."
You made the mess though and you added the anger.
You did, both of those things completely belong to you.
You don't know it, but I'm in the next room writing this, trying not to cry.
You shout, smash, and swear. I just write.
I wonder why you think it is we don't talk...
Our lack of common interest, my short temper, your short temper, my fear of you, my shame of not being good enough...