If you know me,
      You know
           I walk away a lot.
                Not to find my own path,
          Not always,
     Sometimes I leave because*
I want to be followed*.

I'm spending my night listening to Breathe Carolina
Wondering if you're okay
You stopped talking to me and I don't know why
I'm trying to get high
And I'm thinking about how you should give up drugs
I'm slitting my hips
And I'm thinking about how they forced you into therapy
You wanted attention
But didn't
I am the same
Except when the world started to hurt you
You became a different kind of numb
I became a violent numb
And so did you
But our experiments went wrong
Went askew
You turned to Mary and Nicotine
I turned to Windex and Poetry
You picked up a razor for show
I hide scars under my clothes
You turned to *** and late nights with drunk men
I became a victim who couldn't say no
We are different kinds of numb
That float on each other
Except you drifted away again
With everyone else
So I'm spending tonight listening to Breathe Carolina
Breathing in chemicals
Wondering if you're okay
While I'm not
Drowning myself here alone

please come talk to me
i need to hear something besides the voices in my head

please come hold me
i havent been held in a very very long time

please come stop me
i dont think i can do it myself this time

*. . .

Let me put my hands in your hair, and feel your mouth on mine.
Let me sigh with pleasure, when we've only just begun.
Let me take off your tie, unbutton your shirt.
Let me lick your skin, ache with so much want I hurt.
Let me slip off my dress, drop it to the floor.
Let me straddle you, craving, needing more.
Let me in your pants, to caress you with hungry delight.
Let me consume you, *******, only the start of the night.
Let me **** on you indulging, after you eat at me.
Let me bend and break at your very touch, all for you to see.
Let me be a toy, play with me, tease and tantalize.
Let me be yours, make me moan, make me scream- let us be vulgarized.

Will I see you tonight
by the candle light,
where within the pews
I did pray with you?

Will you make time for me
in this winter heat,
or will I be with the breeze
left out to freeze?

your perfect eyes
the curve of your lips
your pianist hands
and dear God, your hair

they way you keep to yourself
intentional or not
intrigues me and everyone else

i don't feel like i have to impress you
do you know how long it's been
since i wasn't at the beck and call of a him
bending breaking at his every whim

when you are tired the look in your eyes turns me on
when you are excited the look in your eyes turns me on
when you just look at me, it turns me on

you are so smart, oh so intelligent
precise, focused, driven when you need to be

you respect my wish not to be touched
though sometimes i wish you wouldn't

i love that you are awake at ungodly hours
and that you take the time to talk to me
not many do, certainly none as intoxicating as you

Do you see me,
right here in front of you?

I'm the girl who's not even 115 pounds
but wants to lose twenty.
I'm the girl wearing pale-pink lipstick Monday
and black by Saturday.
I'm the girl who hates how I look in my glasses
but hides behind the glass and frames.
I'm the girl constantly creating picassos on my arms
and books in my mind.
I'm the girl who is constantly daydreaming
because she never sleeps.

I'm waiting on you
Do you see me?

The loneliness set in
When I couldn't fall asleep
I had grown accustomed to
Steadying my mind
With thoughts of you

I laid awake
wandering my conscious
Dragging myself away from you
No, not dragging, walking

Away from something
I once needed
But can no longer stand
No longer rest my head on
When the loneliness sets in

I have to write the things I can't tell you
It's been driving me insane
You treat me like I'm your sister
And you probably think I'm a pain
But thirteen years is too long to scribble your last name in note books
Play pretend with dolls
Daydream about a wedding that will never be reality
It's so unfortunate don't you think
I choose the wrong guys
You choose the wrong girls
They say I don't want to ruin what I have
I say I don't want to lose what could be
But how do I confess my love
To my life-long "buddy"

Why are you always like a knife to the gut
I still dont know what you wanted from me
Or what you want from me
Was it a game
Was it fate
Was it a dream
For me it's a nightmare I can't wake up from
Don't look at me
Don't talk to me
Don't touch me
Please touch me
I'm addicted to the way you touch me
But you always left too soon for it to be casual
I still don't know who played who
But some days I wonder
When you left me behind
What if I had followed you

We were walking through the field,
staring out at Boston.
I was choking on the whisper
of a memory of another here.

I gathered two wild flowers
and I showed them to you:
the familar
          Queen Anne's Lace has always been my favorite,
and the new
          I don't know what this one's called,
          but it's purple and pretty.
          They're both so lovely together.

I don't think you understood that
I was talking about us.

I don't lie
Because
When I'm drunk
I can't
I can't lie
I forget how
Or
I **** the consequences
The truth
Has so many consequences
When it follows
A lie
A white lie
Can still land
Like a falling star
Looking so pretty
Up in the sky
But crushing us all
When it lands
Knocked down
By the truth
Don't ask me
Anything
If I'm drinking
Because I'll say it
Wrong
I'll say it
Honest
I'll say it
Crudely
Rudely
Quite un-prudely
And I'll laugh
Like it's funny
To hit you
With the two edged sword
Of reality
Not realizing
I'm gripping
The blade
With my own two
Hands
Coating us both
In enough
Honesty
To honestly
Drown us
So
I don't lie
Because
If I say it
Sweetly sober
Then
We're spared the
Careless calamity coming out crass and crapulent colored lips
Tearing open
Naked truths
I can never
Rewrap

I've been the girl with straight As
I've been the girl who is lusted after
I've been the girl with a flock of followers
I've been the girl who has everything

I've been the girl failing every course
I've been the girl rejected and used
I've been the girl ostracized, the victim, the joke
I've been the girl with nothing

I'm the girl drowning in her head
I'm the girl who has stopped eating
I'm the girl playing with blades
I'm the girl that hates her own life

FAILURE.** NO GOOD. NOTHING. WORTHLESS.
LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHING. WOR
THLESS. LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHIN
G. WORTH
LESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE.
NO GOOD.
NOTHING. WORTHLESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTH
ING. WORTHLESS. LOSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS. L
OSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS.

I just want to get drunk
I just want to drive to his house
I just want to use him one more time
I just want to make really bad decisions
I just want to get so ******* high
I just want to forget
forget
forget
everything
everyone
me
I just want to do something stupid again
and not care
I just want to take off all my clothes
I just want to jump in the river
off that rock covered in ashes
I just want to go under the water
and never come back up

I'd give him
                      anything if
              he'd let me
                                     continue
              to lie
              
              here
                          staring
      into his eyes.

That's all I
                       want.

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
To think I can evaluate my life is a lie;
I'm not even sure I am real.
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.

To think I can evaluate my life is a lie.
Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break,
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.
Dying is the only way to live.

Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break --
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
Dying is the only way to live.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?
I'm not even sure I am real...

my
             favorite
drug
                        ...
my
                    best
addiction

At times I feel like I stole something
             If you rotted
If you have laid yourself into the earth
             Just know that
You made my soil far richer than I could have
             You are the reason I bloomed

You hurt me most
When you hurt yourself
I understand how
When you feel pain
It can seem like
The only solution
But I want to fix you
Put you together
Hold you still, for
Every insult
You mutter to yourself
Feels as if
You screamed it at me
Every meal
That you skip
Makes me
Want to purge
Every cut
You give your self
Is a ****** tear
At my heart
The pain you put yourself through
Is not just a punishment for you
It ruins me
Inside
So I have to share in
Your pain
That has become
Mine

the silence and the noise blur into a deafening void that consumes me.

its funny how now for me,
my night is just beginning,
and you’re probably fast asleep.
i think back to that feeling
of being the only two people in the world.
its only two am,
and you are my only friend.
the emptiness always went away with you.

its funny how i never imagined
the impact one night could have on me,
the ties i’d feel,
and know that there was something real.
something with meaning,
in this meaningless nightmare i’m living.

its funny how in the here and now
i feel so far away from myself.
the numbness that you made fade,
it laughs at our friendship façade.
and all i can think is,
could i have been better off
without you in my life?
bringing me internal strife.

oh how hysterical,
oh how hysterical you have made me.
crying and laughing,
my head in my hands,
drowning away the emptiness until
i forget i ever wanted you to stay.
we are hysteria.
this is what you do to me.
don't you find it hysterical?

its funny how for me,
my night is never ending,
and you’re probably getting a sunrise.
and all i can think of is
perfect eyes,
crazy smile,
and fearless friendship.
that all came crumbling down,
and i don't even know how.

I choke and I panic
Because you can't love me
I claw at the windows of my soul hoping to break one
This stagnant air is suffocating
My prayers are that you aren't the tornado I fear you to be
******* up the remaining parts of me
Spin me around and spit me out
This is what attention is about
No validation
Only violation
Imploding expectations of the girl advertised
She is not the same as the prisoner inside
You can't love me, self
You never will

I fell for it
I fell for you again
I didn't want to
I knew I shouldn't
But I couldn't resist you
As always
Why am I so weak
To fall for the words
I know aren't anything
Not worth my time
My energy
I deleted eighty percent
Of whatever happened
From my drunken brain
My phone
But I remember
I wished you a
"Mediocre New Year"
And with your responses
I was entrapped
Ensnared
And clothes came off
Prematurely with our words
And I kept telling you
"You're a bad idea"
You wanted pictures
I'm glad my friends
Didn't let me send
Because I want love
And you want lust
Last night
I think I pretended
I wanted it too
But I don't
"I shouldn't want you"

"Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain"
    Of trying to hold onto a heart wrapped in barbed wire

My own heart pounding in my throat
I simply cannot let go
As the days turn to weeks
And the earth freezes over
I bleed out into the snow

      *The crimson crystals as intense as
      The fresh sting of pain
      That has been with me as long as I can remember

I am a love-drunk and depleted decay
Wide eyed, still aflame
Shredded like strips of paper that blow in the wind
Yet I fall apart only to keep close
Bleeding out, I am made all the more numb
By the promise of what lies just beyond

i thought about you again today.
yes, in that way.
its impossible to forget you it seems.
was it me,
was it it you?
is it crazy to
think one day you might love me?
i am alone again,
two am,
and you promised to always be there.
i am insane,
and in pain.
i just wish you,
i just wish for you.
you would always give the best advice,
about everything in my life.
i just cant seem to push
my memories of you
away,
at least not today.
and i wonder did you maybe
think about me today?
yes, in that way...

please don't forget to remember me hunny
when I am gone and can't hurt anymore
when I at last go and my blood can no longer flow
I'm so empty I'm amazed I can bleed
let me fade, fade away now
just stop breathing
I'm so hurt, afraid of everyone leaving
let me laugh, laugh hard
like it's the only thing I have left
because this moment -- this is it
and I'll be ****** if I let it go
if I let my sorrow show
so I'll pretend enough to
make them believe
this is me
this is me
or at least who I was, back when I was happy

That's about me
Talking about me
You hate me
I know you're looking right at me
Talking about me
Laughing at me
Pointing at me
Whispering about me

Navy blue sweater
Five buttons up
Reaches my thighs

Brush the sleeves
Graze my hand
I gasp and sigh

But you turn away
*I wish you'd stay