soft voice
warm hands
kind words
a second chance

perfect eyes
crooked smile
strong gaze
please stay awhile

hushed tones
tender kiss
true promise
my only wish

Let me quote you, so there is no confusion:
"**** me, **** me,"
"leave your mess for someone else to deal with."
You made the mess though and you added the anger.
You did, both of those things completely belong to you.
You don't know it, but I'm in the next room writing this, trying not to cry.
You shout, smash, and swear. I just write.
I wonder why you think it is we don't talk...
Our lack of common interest, my short temper, your short temper, my fear of you, my shame of not being good enough...

I just want to get drunk
I just want to drive to his house
I just want to use him one more time
I just want to make really bad decisions
I just want to get so ******* high
I just want to forget
forget
forget
everything
everyone
me
I just want to do something stupid again
and not care
I just want to take off all my clothes
I just want to jump in the river
off that rock covered in ashes
I just want to go under the water
and never come back up

FAILURE.** NO GOOD. NOTHING. WORTHLESS.
LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHING. WOR
THLESS. LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHIN
G. WORTH
LESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE.
NO GOOD.
NOTHING. WORTHLESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTH
ING. WORTHLESS. LOSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS. L
OSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS.

I choke and I panic
Because you can't love me
I claw at the windows of my soul hoping to break one
This stagnant air is suffocating
My prayers are that you aren't the tornado I fear you to be
******* up the remaining parts of me
Spin me around and spit me out
This is what attention is about
No validation
Only violation
Imploding expectations of the girl advertised
She is not the same as the prisoner inside
You can't love me, self
You never will

The loneliness set in
When I couldn't fall asleep
I had grown accustomed to
Steadying my mind
With thoughts of you

I laid awake
wandering my conscious
Dragging myself away from you
No, not dragging, walking

Away from something
I once needed
But can no longer stand
No longer rest my head on
When the loneliness sets in

please don't forget to remember me hunny
when I am gone and can't hurt anymore
when I at last go and my blood can no longer flow
I'm so empty I'm amazed I can bleed
let me fade, fade away now
just stop breathing
I'm so hurt, afraid of everyone leaving
let me laugh, laugh hard
like it's the only thing I have left
because this moment -- this is it
and I'll be ****** if I let it go
if I let my sorrow show
so I'll pretend enough to
make them believe
this is me
this is me
or at least who I was, back when I was happy

If you know me,
      You know
           I walk away a lot.
                Not to find my own path,
          Not always,
     Sometimes I leave because*
I want to be followed*.

I have to write the things I can't tell you
It's been driving me insane
You treat me like I'm your sister
And you probably think I'm a pain
But thirteen years is too long to scribble your last name in note books
Play pretend with dolls
Daydream about a wedding that will never be reality
It's so unfortunate don't you think
I choose the wrong guys
You choose the wrong girls
They say I don't want to ruin what I have
I say I don't want to lose what could be
But how do I confess my love
To my life-long "buddy"

what do you want
from me
i can't see
your goal
whatever i do
i can't gauge your
reaction
do you
enjoy this
are you amused
confused
like me
disturbed
unperturbed
what do you want
from me
i'll give it
i'll be it
just tell me

Navy blue sweater
Five buttons up
Reaches my thighs

Brush the sleeves
Graze my hand
I gasp and sigh

But you turn away
*I wish you'd stay

Why are you always like a knife to the gut
I still dont know what you wanted from me
Or what you want from me
Was it a game
Was it fate
Was it a dream
For me it's a nightmare I can't wake up from
Don't look at me
Don't talk to me
Don't touch me
Please touch me
I'm addicted to the way you touch me
But you always left too soon for it to be casual
I still don't know who played who
But some days I wonder
When you left me behind
What if I had followed you

Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Tell you I'm okay
The days that are bad are the days that I'm smiling
******* laughing at my blood
Stab me, stop being kind
Only spend time with people who hurt me
Use me, hit me, pick me apart, crush me
Don't ask me what I ate or if I drank
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Laugh you off, flip my hair
Don't let the pretty colors fool you
I'm not the church girl you think I am
Don't let the brains fool you
I'm not the try hard you think I am
Don't let the smiles fool you
I don't have a cure
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
And tell you I'm fine

We were walking through the field,
staring out at Boston.
I was choking on the whisper
of a memory of another here.

I gathered two wild flowers
and I showed them to you:
the familar
          Queen Anne's Lace has always been my favorite,
and the new
          I don't know what this one's called,
          but it's purple and pretty.
          They're both so lovely together.

I don't think you understood that
I was talking about us.

Do you see me,
right here in front of you?

I'm the girl who's not even 115 pounds
but wants to lose twenty.
I'm the girl wearing pale-pink lipstick Monday
and black by Saturday.
I'm the girl who hates how I look in my glasses
but hides behind the glass and frames.
I'm the girl constantly creating picassos on my arms
and books in my mind.
I'm the girl who is constantly daydreaming
because she never sleeps.

I'm waiting on you
Do you see me?

Who is she
What is she like
She is dark
They call her consumer of hearts
She lives like a chess game
She doesn't mean to
But every move she makes
She cruelly calculates
She loves the games she plays
But I think it's because
That's the only way she knows
How to trust
How to not get hurt
She pulls on heart strings
And she tugs at synapses
Biting free connections

She sinks her teeth into their souls
She watches what color they bleed
Delightedly she tears them apart

Her heart is gone
She can't remember if it was taken
Or if it was simply one of her own victims

At times I feel like I stole something
             If you rotted
If you have laid yourself into the earth
             Just know that
You made my soil far richer than I could have
             You are the reason I bloomed

Will I see you tonight
by the candle light,
where within the pews
I did pray with you?

Will you make time for me
in this winter heat,
or will I be with the breeze
left out to freeze?

I drown in sadness
I don't let go
It's my curse
The curse of strings
Tied so tightly they choke me
I can't break the bonds
No matter how I try
I am caught in a web
Of memories
Of hope
Of dreams
Of the past
Cut short
By me
I am a knife
A knife that can't cut myself loose
Only scare away
I threaten, I menace
Yet I remain bonded

I suppose even the sharpest blades have their limits

please come talk to me
i need to hear something besides the voices in my head

please come hold me
i havent been held in a very very long time

please come stop me
i dont think i can do it myself this time

*. . .

Let me put my hands in your hair, and feel your mouth on mine.
Let me sigh with pleasure, when we've only just begun.
Let me take off your tie, unbutton your shirt.
Let me lick your skin, ache with so much want I hurt.
Let me slip off my dress, drop it to the floor.
Let me straddle you, craving, needing more.
Let me in your pants, to caress you with hungry delight.
Let me consume you, *******, only the start of the night.
Let me **** on you indulging, after you eat at me.
Let me bend and break at your very touch, all for you to see.
Let me be a toy, play with me, tease and tantalize.
Let me be yours, make me moan, make me scream- let us be vulgarized.

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
To think I can evaluate my life is a lie;
I'm not even sure I am real.
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.

To think I can evaluate my life is a lie.
Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break,
Talking myself up will only lead me to fail.
Dying is the only way to live.

Protecting my skin will surely lead me to break --
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
Dying is the only way to live.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?

Who am I to tell myself what I am?
I am not worth the wasted efforts of vitality.
If everything is vanity, why not be nothing?
I'm not even sure I am real...

i could feel your eyes on me as i laughed
i looked up across the room and there you were
looking straight back
you weren't wearing your glasses
and i don't know about your contacts
so i don't know how much of me you could see
even though i've shown you more than most will ever
i'm sorry for that burden
that painful privilege
i hope you could see me today
well enough to notice my hesitation before i looked back
to the source of my cheer
you are the source of confusion
my desire has been untangling itself but i fear i'll never be free
and i'll be stuck under your gaze
while you continue to not love me

its funny how now for me,
my night is just beginning,
and you’re probably fast asleep.
i think back to that feeling
of being the only two people in the world.
its only two am,
and you are my only friend.
the emptiness always went away with you.

its funny how i never imagined
the impact one night could have on me,
the ties i’d feel,
and know that there was something real.
something with meaning,
in this meaningless nightmare i’m living.

its funny how in the here and now
i feel so far away from myself.
the numbness that you made fade,
it laughs at our friendship façade.
and all i can think is,
could i have been better off
without you in my life?
bringing me internal strife.

oh how hysterical,
oh how hysterical you have made me.
crying and laughing,
my head in my hands,
drowning away the emptiness until
i forget i ever wanted you to stay.
we are hysteria.
this is what you do to me.
don't you find it hysterical?

its funny how for me,
my night is never ending,
and you’re probably getting a sunrise.
and all i can think of is
perfect eyes,
crazy smile,
and fearless friendship.
that all came crumbling down,
and i don't even know how.

You hurt me most
When you hurt yourself
I understand how
When you feel pain
It can seem like
The only solution
But I want to fix you
Put you together
Hold you still, for
Every insult
You mutter to yourself
Feels as if
You screamed it at me
Every meal
That you skip
Makes me
Want to purge
Every cut
You give your self
Is a ****** tear
At my heart
The pain you put yourself through
Is not just a punishment for you
It ruins me
Inside
So I have to share in
Your pain
That has become
Mine

I fell for it
I fell for you again
I didn't want to
I knew I shouldn't
But I couldn't resist you
As always
Why am I so weak
To fall for the words
I know aren't anything
Not worth my time
My energy
I deleted eighty percent
Of whatever happened
From my drunken brain
My phone
But I remember
I wished you a
"Mediocre New Year"
And with your responses
I was entrapped
Ensnared
And clothes came off
Prematurely with our words
And I kept telling you
"You're a bad idea"
You wanted pictures
I'm glad my friends
Didn't let me send
Because I want love
And you want lust
Last night
I think I pretended
I wanted it too
But I don't
"I shouldn't want you"

Am I thin?
Please tell me if I am.
Am I skinny?
I'm trying to get there.
I'm dying  *for your approval.
110 pounds...
100...
90...
How far can I get before I faint?
Before I'm enough --
Not* enough?

your perfect eyes
the curve of your lips
your pianist hands
and dear God, your hair

they way you keep to yourself
intentional or not
intrigues me and everyone else

i don't feel like i have to impress you
do you know how long it's been
since i wasn't at the beck and call of a him
bending breaking at his every whim

when you are tired the look in your eyes turns me on
when you are excited the look in your eyes turns me on
when you just look at me, it turns me on

you are so smart, oh so intelligent
precise, focused, driven when you need to be

you respect my wish not to be touched
though sometimes i wish you wouldn't

i love that you are awake at ungodly hours
and that you take the time to talk to me
not many do, certainly none as intoxicating as you

"Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain"
    Of trying to hold onto a heart wrapped in barbed wire

My own heart pounding in my throat
I simply cannot let go
As the days turn to weeks
And the earth freezes over
I bleed out into the snow

      *The crimson crystals as intense as
      The fresh sting of pain
      That has been with me as long as I can remember

I am a love-drunk and depleted decay
Wide eyed, still aflame
Shredded like strips of paper that blow in the wind
Yet I fall apart only to keep close
Bleeding out, I am made all the more numb
By the promise of what lies just beyond

the silence and the noise blur into a deafening void that consumes me.