opportunities that represent , what feels like to live in a heavenly sense . forgive me as I reminisce, In the good times that you've seen to forget . I've told you I've had trouble with this . but yet you still persist . with everything that once was bliss , turned into a wave of burning fists. hoping to die before you slit my wrists and blame it on my own mental abyss . you've sent me in this hole to fix , everything I felt was whole and built with a ton of bricks . impossible to break down unlike sticks . and yet the faucet drips . And I still throw a fit like I have no wits.  and it gets overwhelming , for you to tell me . that all those past times were just more the reason for you to forget me . why is it I have feelings , we planned our daughter , and now you leave me with nothing but a mental slaughter . making me believe I'm insane and now willing to **** for my place as ...father ,will she still see me the same? my daughter now refers to me as her dad and refers her mom as (her) mommy . as if both weren't a part of me . I'm sick with so much envy.

Hey you , I got this flower for you to hold
It's not the most beautiful , but it'll last through the cold .
Even when there's a drought , it will never grow old
It will remain to make sure these stories are told

Once in awhile you could set it on the ledge
And forget it was there , like containing a wedge
In-between two objects, with a indecisive pledge
But in those times , i'd hope you'd take it off that ledge

Gaze upon it and see your reflection
Cause your a gift like this flower is of my affection
Your too beautiful for even my recollection
Second guessing never existed

And when its petals finally wilt
Spray it down with your feelings of guilt
Let it know how horrible it felt
Give it love and water , like you know it needs help

But forgive it for all the smiles it has dealt
It's a flower , it's Beauty is made to melt
Your response to it , is my love in a nut shell
And this is the story this flower will never grow old to tell .

Every step , into a new day.
Has tipped my scales ,with deep
Thought at play.
I drown myself with thoughts
Of pain.
I know I never gain , Im the one
Who will pay.
So now I sit back and try to forget I'm not sane.
We are now entering the chronic age .

I°°° want°°° my°°° ******°°° to°°° be°°° a°°° mystery°°°
I°°° want°°° a°°° Grove°°° with°°° trees°°°,
Standing°°° tall°°° as°°° can°°° be°°° .
There°°° in°°° the°°° distance°°° in°°° between°°°,
All°°° those°°° trees°°° shadows°°° ,
What°°° lies°°° beneath°°° .
My°°° body°°° layed°°° to°°° rest°°° apon°°° some°°° leaves.°°°
Scene°°° of°°° a°°° suicidal°°° heart°°° surgery°°° .
Knife°°° at°°° hand,°°° looking°°° at°°° the°°° deep°°° cut°°° seems°°°
Pool°°° of°°° blood°°° nobody°°° would°°° want°°° to°°° see °°°.
Stood°°° behind°°° my°°° soulless°°° body°°° .
Lift°°° my°°° own°°° hands ,°°°
Knife°°° cutting°°° softly.°°°
Pulling°°° back°°° the°°° ribs°°° and°°° skin °°°.
Not°°° to°°° find°°° a°°° heart ,°°° just°°° emptiness°°° within°°°.
Looking°°° at°°° the°°° way°°° I°°° laid°°° , how°°° was°°° I°°° to°°° late ?°°°
This°°° took°°° time°°° and°°° pain°°° .
I'm°°° sorry°°° ...
Really°°° no°°° signs°°° of°°° struggle°°° around°°° the°°° scene°°°.
Was°°° it°°° a°°° ******? ,°°° I°°° would°°° say°°° likely°°°.
Why°°° would°°° you°°° say°°° that?,°°° is°°° that°°° what°°° you°°° see°°°.
Yes°°° because°°° it's°°° impossible°°° to°°° do°°° a°°° open°°° heart°°° surgery°°°.
On°°° one's°°° self , °°°°you'd°°° have°°° to°°° be°°° mentally°°° crazy°°° .
I°°° get°°° what°°° your°°° saying,°°° it's°°° just°°° hard°°° to°°° believe°°° .
Walking°°° away°°° from°°° myself ,°°° kinda°°° feeling°°° relieved°°°.
Did°°° I°°° do°°° it ?°°° Did°°° I°°° clean°°° enough°°° of°°° the°°° scene°°°.
And°°° where°°° did°°° I°°° put°°° that°°° heart? ,°°° it°°° must°°° not°°° be°°° seen°°°.
Thoughts°°° dancing°°° in°°° my°°° mind ,°°° creating°°° art ,°°°
Within°°° my°°° soulless°°° body ,°°° this°°° gots°°° to°°° be°°° a°°° dream°°°.
But°°° One°°° thought°°° stuck°°° to°°° me ,°°°
I°°° wanted°°° my°°° ******°°° to°°° be°° a°°° mystery .°°°
I°°° wanted°°° groves ,°°° with°°° lots°°° of°°° trees°°° .
Just°°° standing°°° tall°°° and°°° alone°°° like°°° me°°°.
And°°° there°°° in°°° the°°° distance°°°  an°°° in°°° between°°°.
Now°°° forever°°° my°°° shadow°°° lies°°° beneath°°° me°°°.
My°°° body°°° laid°°° to°°° rest°°° apon°°° soft°°° leaves°°° .
A°°° scene°°° of°°° a°°° suicidal°°° heart°°° surgery°°°.

Mom , in a world full of dismay , the only thing you can do is hold strength in yourself . Be as it ,you are a saint and I thank you for every service you have done for me as a human .the teachings you have gave me to love the world as it is and only hope for a ending better then the beginning . Many people fall short of gods eyes , but yet not forgotten . Even in the most disturbing of times . It'll only gets worse , I know that . But yet to live a life believing things are for the best . Well yea, for the best they shall get according to the woke humans .  Many are slaves to the unknown demon that is constantly nagging their neck . But yet we let these figures of physicality become the waking moments of our own reality . I'm over stressing , I'm over believing in a god that is misinterpreted into many forms . Really only you can open the door way to heaven . Self worth is humility , humility is self giving . To who you truly should be in this world of dismay . Only believe in yourself.

There is peace that I am feeling
sting of my skin peeling
all your love in my blood, leaking
my world is spinning
out of control, what is this meaning?
really I need revealing
so I can start my healing
finally build my home again
this time with a ceiling
to stop all this raining
cause I'm soaked , and tired of being
comfort in letting go , comfort in believing
it's only me now , I'm deceiving myself
I feel there's no cure to relieving this
still now I set a time every day for my grieving
it feels comfortable getting your revenge

Am I fooling myself when I start to feel again.
can't I remain numb until my times end .
cause this feeling is tearing me up, unwilling to mend.
today and yesterday it started all over again .
why can't I be my only friend .  
°
°
°
This negativity has become a part of me .
once in a blue moon it rises to be .
and I see it when everything around me.
starts fade away like the bubbles in my tea .
just lonely as can be .
°
°
°
Something has changed .
somehow I ceased to being deranged.
everything is starting to feel estranged.
I want my box , where it's cold and grey.
that's where I'll remain , I'll stay , where I get away.
°
°
°
Please forgive my heart for spilling .
it was overflowing with the process of healing.
some times it's worth not just having a wall , but a ceiling.
to stop the overwhelming feeling.
that I'll never touch another soul , cause you tore me open with to many holes .
and even now my heart continues leaking .
it's all so decieving.

That feeling I love so much , that feeling of your touch.  Your smell sends me into complete comfort. But you always make me feel like it's my turn . To say something unimaginable , just to hurt you . When all you've said was things to hurt me too . And you've done that , and you'd think that's enough . But no she wants to make everything rough . She takes to my pleading like it's venom to her veins, when all I want her to know is that she causes me so much pain. But she don't care and that's what destorys me , I ask her how could it be . You said you love me . But destory every part of my being . And I let go , like I wasn't enough . You hurt me with your way of love . Forgive me for everything I gave up . Just i make you comfortable when you still thought I wasn't enough.
And I ramble through anything to make things better . They ask me how can I let her . Because love isn't just a one go getter . You felt whole till you got a missing peice . Just disappeared without a trace . Even know you still had a home in the first place . And I'm the disgrace . You family hates me , and will find anyone to replace . Me....I'm not me anymore , you've made me so sore , that even flying doesn't get me happy . I rather have a hundred women slap me . Then have you hate me . But forgive me . I've forgot who I was . But love is no more in me . Like you wanted it to be..... like I forgot how it felt to be yours in time . Eternity isn't the same when , I'm still traveling the world saying I'm fine .

We love
We get lost
We gain content
We die.

Let me support you , while you hang from the cliff edge .
                   Let me congratulate you on destroying
                                      every past thing said .
                      As if it meant nothing from the start .
                  Creating misery across life, like it was art .
                               Who knew you'd go that far .
                             But guess what , I'm still here .
                        How do you explain away the scars ?
                     Do your stories , only match the ones
                                 You deemed greater then us ?
                Do you give their life pain with the feelings of
                                                                      distrust?
                                            So why only me Love ?

I have loved , and love I shall.
Forever more , till the ticking time tells
You won't come back , but I hope
I stoke the fire , like it hasn't been stoked
I Kindle the feelings , till they blaze
Your the only water I praise
But dehydrated I feel , almost squeezed dry
I know it doesn't help, with each tear I cry.
You've been gone for a year, is this a test?
To see how I take the time I have left ?
I feel like I'm running out of breath
Everyday is like I'm waiting
But a answer , I fall short of getting.
I feel there's a time limit for something
But I can't put the right hands on it .
All I'm left with is three hands
Two of which come to thought , now and again
But every second passes us by like we stand still

my mind is full
my life is a lull
my strings they pull
and it takes it's toll
I drop and roll
with flames out , I'm dull
I feel safe behind my walls
and I don't have to walk tall
I just can't take this pain at all
it seeps in , and I'm on a crawl
if I look down , I will fall
if I jump down , that's my call
with my emotions , turning into a ball
I throw them away , rather not feel them at all
but I'll bleed in pain, let me an the silver talk it off.

Quiet winter's day ,in a house filled with winter's snow.
Many things about this house .
Things I didn't know.
I spent my life , searching for a light .
So I can melt all this winter snow.
It's doesn't please me anymore ,
And stops me from going where I want to go.
By the time summer comes , it has made me so cold.
Many people get only 70 of those.
But yet my house is getting kinda old.
Every step , towards my death bed.
These are the things I said .
It was a quiet winter's day , in a house with a empty soul.

~E. C. D. C.

Ive diagnosed myself with psychosis . Which means I  believe that I  believe in another reality . That my nightmares weren't just dreams when I close my eyes . I woke up to a whole different but same reality . Multiple times has it been destroyed in front of my eyes before the wave of pain takes over and I close my eyes to see no more . But yet to wake up again in another body , not of my own . Waiting for the moment  where this body meets it's end .

<If life and nature is the ultimate creation of human intelligence,  then life and nature is endless . It can be formed and created in many different environments and laws of living . Though Intelligence isn't a cheap price , when it comes to value and worth of being here today . Experiencing sight , feeling, smell , hearing . Senses that all paint a beautiful living Experience in the minds eye . The view of every day after waking up from our daily slumber .>
-EC

Your presence has now become redundant and         superfluous . I'm tired of feeling furious over non-sense, over actions and feelings . A relationship with you,  isn't at all appealing . It's as if a succubus is ******* the very soul from my being . And seeing , a superficial world with a superficial girl , strikes me as insane . You gain , everything I lose . You regret everything you choose . So what's the use . Why make things the way they are , when you know how big scars are . Your a pretentious kind of  person . Ostentatious to say the least . Which means big in a logical sense . Oh well , sing the bell in my head . As I review every moment spent . Starring at you for some comfort and establishment . All to the more I, spending more time forgetting it.  You know what I regret ? Why I let people , other human beings , get so close .…….

Smokey tender , woodsy splendor with a deep aroma of earthly greens , sense of taste melts,
Fades away ice caps and stone cold as snow
Thrown through the valleys of homes given the silence of the unknown, stresses away to different water ways , to come to a city at Bay . full of motion with winds blowing in the coasts , it's not for the faint of heart. it'll get dark and movement becomes scarce . Evil energy is dispersed in many ways . Faint smell of acholic dwelling upon the sense of disparity , and stress where care was no longer the fair . Over there where a bench meets the public , a few have sat and thought of a different city beyond what was seen to be the worst part of life , it's demeanor being lost and unforgiving as these lines are wrote for a different art . But seeing a different start .

The point in silence that makes your brain implode . Every day becomes a search of relief   and every bit of it filled with grief . The second the feeling hits where the heart no longer exist . I'm broken , and you refuse to understand it . Is moving on a thing .Even with years that I could sing . That you made me feel like there was a reason to being. Maybe I'm crazy and everything I see shouldn't faze me . But your love grazed me . Took the whole side of me out , now every interaction becomes a moment of doubt . I am me , and everything is estranged to what it used to be . Now my world is filled with empty thoughts and actions . With every thought given to your affection . I laid down like I was taught a lesson . A lesson never to forget again . Cause our every action creates a world in between . Cause who knows really what the others are thinking . They could be creating a story without me ever existing . I'm listening , to my non-existent heart beating . It's weaker then before because there once was two beats according to our breathing . But you've deceived me .

It was planted.
It grew into intoxicated
Banter.
I forgot what we was fighting
For.
I felt trapped , when I opened
Too many doors.
Beautiful as my petals fell.
As I crumble away from sounds.
Waiting to hear what I created,
To tell.
A different story , on different ground.
Please plant me somewhere else.

Once felt solid, even when I was warm.
Comfort by you , kept me solid.
The love we grew, was bigger then two.
The world felt right, when your all I had in sight.
Now my warmest days , are as cold as ice.
You remember that fight .
The one that tore everything , even the core you built in me .
I drip to the morning sun , wasting away
All the pain that has won.
You see through me like I'm the transparent one.
And I fell to the ground and shattered ,
When you said you were done.

Exhaustion can be in many different parts of you . Mental , physical, even spiritual exhaustion. Stress in these areas can cause soul exhaustion which in turn becomes depression .

Rain ............ Freezing rain yet again
One of those days where the morning never ends.and tomorrow can't wait to begin . I think of myself as my own friend . I see myself often enough to pretend . I can't even kid around no matter how many letters I send . I keep dreaming a life like a tree where I climb to the top to see the end . Then it's on repeat where I fall back down again . I sit here and there in silence to mend . Before I stand back up an climb once more like I meant. On sunny days I put up my tent , because sometimes that energy , I don't get . I Kindle a fire so farfetched. That I would just love to forget. I'm not quite okay yet . Just me , my friend , and I , we've all met . and everytime the **** gets heavy , we jet. We run through forests and hills till we fall into a unforgettable pit . And we sit , in silence , and wait for how dark it can get .

Little horizontal linings, with bountiful treasures finding , happiness between the walls of tidings.unwinding the fact we're all crying , inside an it's denying the lying .
The here and now in my Little House of hell, words may tell , but moral of the story is , I'm unwell. This Little House is small these days , as if I fell . Looking up at things , I just can't tell. I try to be one with all , but I realized we are in hell . There aint no way out , dying , happens to be a dream without a doubt . Where no screams or shouts , can be heard even when it came from your heart and you felt,.... out.
And just came back to the same Little House.

To tell a story I cannot keep , you came to me in a dream . your name was blissfully placed , in my mind and all I thought about was your face . how you loved, how you acted.   even the smile that you seem to have  rejected. I sat in class in silence . but in my mind I was committing relationship violence.  I took the step to contact you my first day out . and without a doubt I knew you was mine before you found out . I asked to hang just as friends , then you brought a friend . who soon went home and we began our night all over again . on that stage with no music playing.  you was the only rhythm I was dancing . we made love on that stage an it , made my heart complete ,it torn every sheet , I ever woven over my heart . it's deep . you have seeped into my mind , with feelings so Devine . that I forgot that there was a thing like time . I went away to a place you couldn't stay . a place I still regret till this day . prison is the word I'm trying to say. but you stuck by my side anyway . you was my Outlook my future . my love . and everything now an days looks as if I gave up . did I? or did you forget what our love was.  my bad side turned out , you was scared of me , but I was scared of losing you without a doubt . all these accusations ? when did they even come about ? . why question my love in mornings light , or even when I kissed you every night goodnight . what happen to us planning our daughter , just so you could send my heart into a slaughter . I was dealing with cancer , and I'm sorry I forgot my anger . when condemned with such a burden , when I'd give my life to a stranger . but I filled you with anger . your took my house , my home , my love , and my daughter . and you wonder why I cut to relieve everything that you've  deceived .I feel like there's nothing left of me . when everyday was to work hard for a roof over your head , you see . I made that a part of me . I made that a goal to be . not for someone else to envy me , and take my heart like it's a enemy . that's what's inside of me . even the days that it's hard to see , that our love could be , but still I'm fighting with every bit of me . to keep me , from destorying your dreams . as you destroyed my every dream . cause you thought it was impossible to be . now I'm blind and I cant see babe. you left me heartless , and I feel as if I'm fading . to the back of your mind I'm a cheater . a two timing peice of **** wife beater . how is her mind so twisted since I met her . everyone tells me I can do better . but I lover her so much , I let her . break me down to the very sound of my heart beating in my ear . even when we ain't close my heart still beats for you dear . in time you'll know by the stories told . that you was my one and only love , to grow old.

Sometimes I feel I miss
To much.
When I close my
Eyes .

A room with a quiet light .
A space lit but very dim.
It's dust I see .
Apon the drapes , upon the tables.
It's past full of sin.
A step in , and the floors creak.
As window blows out , cold air seeps in.
Just waiting for that thunderstorm to begin.
Quiet was the feeling , so afraid to look up .
The ceiling on fire , filling one cup.
Hot and steaming across the room .
Stood a cup of tea half gone.
And that song ...
What song ...
Quiet wind it's gone .
Now music plays and there's a battle won .
A celebration of happiness beyond.
Sudden lights go out , dark prevails.
And screaming puts a knife to your throat.
Can't say no more, the quiet wind becomes a wail.
It's cold now and I need my coat .
To walk the world away from that room .
I have failed to see what I made my tomb.

As days set and let's go of the past , I start a new day with another mask .

Is there a sun, within this void?
Is there real memories?
A part of me once seen.
Shown through the darkness.
So easily amused.
So easily oppressed.
The lack of social connection.
The lack of warming affection.
Someone out there, for the days of rain.
To make happiness arise, even through
Pain.

You are the one breath I take in the morning .
You are the one beating in my chest before you tore me.
You are the blood in my viens that runs through me .
You are the person I wish to wake up
                              and see .                         -Every morning-
You are the beauty in every afternoon.
You are what keeps my heart beating as if it was as big as the moon.
You are the star in the sky that shines all day and all night.  
You are the only person I wish didn't leave so soon .
-Every afternoon-
You are the reason i breath , the reason I fight .
You are everything I had insight .
You are the reason my chest feels tight.
You are my darkest and most loving
         angel in my dreams at night .                
-Every night-
And even know our life wasn't right , I'd still hold you nice and tight every night . Even without a house or home . I'll still find Time to write you a love poem. Cause that's how deep my love goes. So deeply rooted, it will never let go. Every night I lie awake , and think of how I'm such a big mistake. And I can feel the void in my chest , I wish I could just rip out what I have left and leave it in that closet like I'm nothing but a mess. My will to see my last day to be made . As I see you both one last time before I fade. And to think we started without a date. But today's the day August eleven two thousand eighteen . 6 long years And what a crap future husband and father I've been. And I wish I could of stayed longer so it may all have been seen. Our love and what it had created inbetween. There's one thing that's true , and real, and nothing else in this world could do . Is make me the happiest man and father to have known the both of you . Cause I love you, and I'm afraid my night mares are to much for me because they were forced to come true . And I lost the both of you . And when you left for the good there was to be found by you , I happen to lose everything I had , even myself too. And wherever I end up when not in this world with you, I'll be watching the both of you . And loving you every step of the way , because there wasn't enough words in this world to say . How much I loved you both each and every passing day.
   -Every day-

When someone tells you they love you
What does that mean to you ?
It means
I lose everything
I lose my very being
I lose everything I'm used to seeing
But love you decieve me
Tricked me into contentment
Believing I was comfortable
High Apon my feet shouting with Glee
But you decieved me.
Now I am alone
Not making a move
Because it comes with a fee
You take it so easily
As I crumble
With every part of me
I'm lost
The cost
Is too much
I let go
And forget I breath
I thought I was better
To know
When I was decieved.

Breath
But I can't
Stretching
Lungs
Out
!

Take it
All in deep
Remember
Why your
Alone
Now
!

Darkness
Arises alot
When my
..Heart..
Gives
Up
!
Please
Forgive me
You always
..We're..
B.B.B
To
Me
!
Beautiful.Beyond.Belief

I forget...I jump..
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thump!! ...I forgot.

You'd think I'd learn from turning off all my lights.

They come so swiftly , I can never see them coming .
Fresh needles to the brain , feeling like I was something .
Repeating thoughts , turn negative quickly .
Takes everything I have left , to stop thinking .
Just for that moment when the tears wont stop leaking.
They come, ...so swiftly.
Believing the attachment , is what haunts me.

So it has really ended , the life I knew , the life I befriended. some how I knew as time passed on and... it torn me .
I got to get this out , cause thoughts of just blipping out , without a scream or shout . are coming to mind again , it's all I'm starting to think about .
my ole town , my ole house . ripped through space , with out a trace , without a doubt. and I'm lost now. Looking at the blue skies with no happiness in mind .trying to relive all those better times , but no matter how much I search , I cannot find . you used to be my Devine . Now I'm lonely , Knowing my heart already been given . currently drifting with time .
Sorry....really? No not really , I took your floors , your walls , and your cieling! oh , I know but how are you feeling ? I don't want to get into this with you again , I don't care about feelings! And yet you left when it was only the beginning ... you can have my floors , my walls , and my ceiling . but you will never take away my feelings. FOREVER AN ALWAYS not so appealing? then don't ever lie to me and say those type of things . you destroyed every last part of me . and you live happily. really I'm glad , I love you , but your not sorry .
I'll carry on with a devotion, to never bring up these kind of emotions. my life now is just like the coasts .it's likely to be long as hell with waves of things to cope with . I'll send you things from afar , and hopefully don't get emotionally **** kicked . and probably drink everyday until I get sick . at least with out your brightness ,I'll always be lit. how can love be so counterfeit . every last good **** part of it . I'll remember it.  I'll throw a fit.  I'll cut myself off and climb myself out of this pit. I hope you see the darkest skies , when I realized how misunderstood I get . that darkest moon will soon be my sunset . forgive me as I forget .
let me wonder , let me plunder , let me sit out in the rain and thunder . think of days when they were filled with laughter . Of the girl I always dreamed of going after . smile ...cheers ... Happy Never After...