I awake , with pounding in my chest.
I'm shaking , it's cold , I can't breath.
Oh , it's the morning.
Getting up was always the worst
Taking a hot shower is what I do first.
Alone again, as water Cascades down the wall.
Never hot enough to melt my troubles after all.
Uniform and mask for the day .
Really nothing more to say.
I see faces , in the most unfamiliar places.
But I guess I'm always doing ok .
I lay down , and prepare for tomorrows way.

Is it right to have suicidal thoughts?
And having feelings of being lost.
Stuck in my head reading the same passage.
From a note I wrote in the past .
When things were hazy, but still the love last.
Now beaten and torn . I feel like giving up.
I feel like going to that place ,
Where everyone says my past can be erased.
Sadly even when I do , it won't be like that.
I've done wrong in my time .I deserve some torture.
But it's all the same here Apon this Earth . It's all torture . Live everyday with stress and anguish. I'll die without receiving my first wish. Is it right to have suicidal thoughts like this?

glistening from afar , shining brightly as if held energy of a star . creating a everlasting chain , with reasons to gain , every sense of who we are . let's believe in mountains of soothing greatness. connection born from the feelings that contains us , in the world crashed and torn from all the rediculous strife , while everyones out to look for a wife .  because nothing moves faster then life . we must hunker down and believe in better times . so we can stop repeating the same old lines that happen to rhyme , just to get the point across that I'm not here to waste no-bodies time . hope and believe in the sign , to find a everlasting friendship , now is that a crime ?

Temporary , a word full of hopes but only contemporary. feeling every second like its just that scary.  Beware thee , senses have found a place to create a obituary . Scary , as dark turns to grey in my world of fairies . Below the lair's key lies beneath everything we perceive. What you say isn't the truth to me . Cause the truth lies within the seed that created the tree .

Now I take my time , before my mind twists everything up into a negative vibe.
I set a pace for myself that isn't to fast , but still find the days where I wish things could just happen. Snap of the fingers , and now I'm not the one lacking . Built myself up and over lap him . Make sure not to forget the sin he's been in . But feel fresh and reborn everyday you get to continue to be living . At least my feelings go on.  Finding comfort in my own knowledge of peace . Cause I'm fine today , I just thought I'd say . But yet , your still the Pinnacle of my life. Always in my heart beloved and cherished . Forever more till the day of happily marriage . Or am I the fool ? To believe in a short story . There's more beyond those pages , so I thought . I'll continue to re-read , till I figure out how I got lost.

Let me see if I can put my feelings into words . Words that would describe me living in two different worlds . Always waiting patiently, for these moments to unfurl. It was never meant to happen, but it felt surreal. Every emotion genuine from the next . Now an days I'm still looking at my phone, for some kind of text . But my bet , it won't happen like that . I'll still be as empty as you made me , wishing you'd call me back . Turning all my thoughts into how you'd react . To the facts , to everything you said I lacked . Confidence , belittlement, everything you put on my back , you will never say you relate to my feelings of that . It's beyond the love an the hate, it's about those two beings pro-creating . Making a new face in this world of our fate. But your loyalty just couldn't relate. And I still ask you today , for what you have to say . Still receive no response , your loveless, your devastation in it's wake. Your love for so many years I feel was faked.  Even now I feel I'm on a time limit , and I've always been to late . Quite frankly I don't know how much more I can take.  My river of tears have now become a lake, leaving craters in their wake . I've lost the way to recuperate. I'm broken over the lies you fed me day after day . And in my poems , I can only find these destructive words to say . Beyond imaginable , I'm not okay.
Raining , pouring, carrying to much , I'm full . Feeling hot tearing , mind manipulating, deep inside my soul . Open doors apon doors , and still end up in a box with to many walls .in my mind's eye , I'm searching through these halls . Filled with shadows , but Meadows of metals. Not a single scent comes to mind at all . I'm anxious , I'm worried , I can hear it calling . The very moment I forget myself and I fall. Library of books in my dreams are hooks , casting bad memories from my past enemies. And yes my life is this dull . Vivid as black and grey , a screen shot of my emotion just gone and faded away. I'm awful , horrible as they may say . I'm now that guy who drowns in the pain , expecting voids with no change . My days are on repeat , I feel insane.

Submerged under ,
I hear the waves thunder.
Rolling ,
Growing ,
Across the great plains of wonder.
Feeling them move me ,
The swaying soothing
To me .
A dance
I'll soon ponder .

Cool to the skin as I sink more an more under.
As if in a daze of a place ,
There, the darkness pulling me further
Wanting to erase , the light in my days
That I want to replace
All the pain
And suffer.

But soon tightness in my chest ,
I feel my lungs under arrest,
The kind of distress when you want to breath
But you welcome death ,
The difference between light and those depths.
Is being careful of where you put your feet
To rest
And
What kind of steps
It took you to always
Be your best.

                                A world so deceived
                          By                                     political
                     views                                  And lies
                   about                                   how free,
                 Is  conceived                       really            
               As a disguise                       In the news
             Of how we                            abuse
           The power                             to ****
         And blame it                         on others abuse.
                                We hear you.

But we have to kick
our feet
to win
There's no room
To pretend.

all those years of who's using who

We have to go above and beyond

because we are all expected to . .

And some don't know what to do.

They sit around
and really start
to pretend
to be a fool ,
but who's using who?

One thing I learned from a great ocean blue .  
Rising to the top takes more steps then just two .
The depths are so welcoming
But so are your breaths too .
So Don't leave to soon
Cause your plans don't come to you .
Swim to shore,
Because you know your worth more
Than the ocean blue .

You have two hands and two feet,
I'm sure people will remember you.
Sometimes your scared to talk,
Because everyone's reaction
In your head you over thought.

So you decide to shut up , and go on your way to a place called good luck . Cause we travel a different pace and we all usually get drunk. Then this place called good luck becomes bad luck.  

Then learned that this isnt heaven ,this is hell , the devil's play ground.

In the end we all will be ****** .

Well , here ….in this place called good luck .

I walk home, completely dripping with muck.

"Who was calling me, when I almost gave up?"

I look back and see no stranger amongst the sand ,

Just the waves calling to me as they all rolled up to the land .

Two feet ,
Two hands
...For you,
God had different plans.

Took me awhile to reach the sands .
Fighting every thought , And all the commands.
To turning back
The voices recommend
The one I hear
My only friend .

But I walk home , trying to forget
Seeing the end .
Sunset behind
My Shadow it bends.
Realizing I ain't lonely
I can make friends.
Its about me ,
Forgetting to pretend.
And becoming me
Once more
Again .

No guarantees,
Life will ****.
In this place,
Here in good luck.

Ive diagnosed myself with psychosis . Which means I  believe that I  believe in another reality . That my nightmares weren't just dreams when I close my eyes . I woke up to a whole different but same reality . Multiple times has it been destroyed in front of my eyes before the wave of pain takes over and I close my eyes to see no more . But yet to wake up again in another body , not of my own . Waiting for the moment  where this body meets it's end .

There are things in my mind that I wish not to speak . Thing about time where I wasn't