F** inding a new side of this hidden life I live
R egrets? No! For it is through the messes I find strength given
E vidence has shown that I need more of Him
A chance for revival of joy to come within
K indness to those who will and will not forgive

I am the Freak.

Have to fight their dragon themselves

The "I" in Pride
Should fade and die
For what pride is there?
When I have my flag that I like to hide?

Ripped and torn from rainbow fusions
Mixed up in teenage emotional confusion
There is no "I" when it's a delusion
My past once apart of the movement

Pride will only cause the "I" fall
Into a mind set I thought I would never recall
Stand proud? Why? It's against His Law
This "I" can't stand in pride. I'm kneeling down instead of standing tall

When we feel as if our worlds will collide
When we feel as if we are not prepared for this ride
Why hide... when many.. are by your side...
Forgive me when I fail as a friend... I really try
Remeber who you are now since Christ was crucified...
And I'll try to be the person I need to be in this worldly life...
I just want to do what is right...
Although I want to hide...
I want to speak nothing but truth.. never a lie
Even if it brings tears...and makes me cry

I am not here, I am not there
You will not find me… Not anywhere

I have not run away, I have not disappeared
I am close. I am closer then I appear

Not sure how to type what I feel
When all of these feelings just make me feel so lost and ill

This is not a rebellion. This isn’t out of frustration
You are not the enemy; I have nothing against your radiation.

In the night I have gone like the wind
But I am alive and well, this is not out of sin.

I am not gone, just hidden away for a while
You know all my locations, all my places, you know my style.

I could be anywhere, but you know where I go
I am not gone; I’m just no longer home… I’m solo

My number code now a mystery, but you know my accounts
You know and have more then what you realize. You have the amount.
You know my people, you know my spots
Although I am physically cold, my heart is burning hot

Forgive me for the pretty little lies, and for my acts and stories
My wrong, my bad, I am sorry. I greatest my apologies.

I am not fooling around with strangers, or with the fools of this earth
I am safe, and I am close by. I am not shutting you out, I’m building my own turf

Watch the black now fade away, the spikes dim and become dull
For I am independently going on this journey on my own, it’s quite the hull

I’m sick of disappointing, I’m sick of the back and forth, I want to truly know
Jesus in the desert for days, Moses on the Mountain, and Elijah with the birds sought Him alone.

Days, and weeks of isolation, alone with Him.
I want to know!!! I Need to seek and find!!! I am so sick of guess’n!!!

As far as I can tell, this is God’s leading, and if it isn’t, He can work it all out
I won’t know until I take the first step into this unfamiliar world. I promise I am safe and sound

Trying to be discerning, and wise with every step I take, as far as I can tell
I can’t hear him when many are shouting. When too many feel the need to yell.

Not abandoning the problem. I’m not abandoning His Call
I am looking for peace and answers. I want to be his Princess. He won’t let me fall.

I don’t hate you, there is no anger or disappointment in this heart
I swear I leave in peace and love, for I am hurting with this part

Dad, I know everything you said and did was only out of love
I know you didn’t mean to hurt and scar me, so I hid my scars with gloves
I know I disappoint, but I contain no anger. I need a moment and time
To ask and then receive, and to seek what I am trying to find
Answers

Mom, you are wonderful and beloved, I’m sorry if I made you feel so worried
I promise you; I am fine and safe and treasured and in good care. Please have no fury
I loved working alongside you and doing what I could to help
You did so much for me, and prayed like a warrior, breaking every spell
Blessing, that is what you are ♥

Rachel, it’s time for me to be trained on how to be a woman of service
I am on my knees like I’ve seen you done so many times. I’m encouraged
I’m sorry… But He has shown me his leading… So, I am just walking forward
I may not know where it takes me… But I swear it is HIM I am walking towards
Boldly

Dennae, I am praying for you and the things you struggle and ache with. I know the look
I’m going to miss your *******-up phrases and your unintentional jokes
But I need to go on a journey with my Savior for a while to know Thy way
He will change your heart, and your desires, you keep seeking His face.
Everything will change when you pray

Amy, I am sorry, but I tried to do what I could to be there for you
I tried to be the big sister I needed to be. I did what I could so you could see Him through
I love you little one. He has an amazing job planned for you ahead.
He has not forgotten nor abandoned you. Because for you, he bled.
Remember His Love

You can come, and see, and visit! You know where you can stop by
I am not dead; I can assure you, that I am very much alive.

Take care of my baby fluff, and the fish down below
Trying to follow His leading, and not drench myself so low…

Time to grow up, time to discover and learn.
He is the greatest teacher; He will protect me from the fires that burn

Gone indeed… But to really seek and discover what is in store
Alone and Solo, I depend on Him to really speak and show. My body on the floor

Don’t be worried, scared, or frightened, for I am in good hands
I love you; I miss you. You are not locked away from my stands

From the darkness, I escape, but only to seek the light
Forgive me, my beloved family… but I need to take this step… I’ll be alright

I may have crossed the line
But I know as long as I seek Him… and Surrender to Him, He’ll make everything fine…

Till I can see you again, Beloved Family

Don't hide in the darkness,
and I won't fall to pieces

Don't consume the abysses breath
if you do... it's my shattering that increases

Don't blend into the night sky,
And I'll avoid being invisible to you.

Stop hiding behind me
Cause I'll only let the light through

Wake up from your nightmare
And I'll stop ignoring my reflection

Dont let the demon of shadows consume your bed
And I will not let the ghost break my reality into fractions

My heart of glass... and your heart of shadows
It is the light that defeats us both, so let us, together, follow

I took a few steps back, walking away from them all
I thought I'd be on my own as I walked to the dining hall
But then behind me, I heard loud foot steps in the snow
It was then I knew, I wasn't going to be walking alone...

That is what they say... as if it is something funny
But why do I feel this pain of longing for their company?

There were a total of seven of us... And two of them passed away

"They don't count, they were just tissues and organs that didn't make out in time."

MY FORGOTTEN DEAD OLDER BROTHER AND SISTER WERE ALIVE!!! BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THEY NEVER EXISTED!!!!

DON'T DISCARD THE REALITY OF THEIR BIRTH!!! They took just as much force and care just like the rest of us!!!

Steven... You were the original first born... you died from stress and an aching heart of my mother

Bethany... You died out of determination and demand to pick up something that was over the weight

There are days where I wonder why the Lord couldn't have made you guys live... a life with me...

He has his reasons... what matter is that I will see you in heaven someday... I will finally get to meet you and see you face to face

Uniquely Beautiful and Frozen Cold...

... and yet able to willingly melt in loving hands...

Listen... I said I was

•F• alling Apart
•I• nsecure
•N• eglected
•E• mpty

So if I say that I'm •FINE•.... I'm •FINE•... I'm not lying to you...