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do you believe in it?
if this time around,
you knew it would come true,
what would you wish for?

it never hurt anyone to try
and believe so you tell yourself,
“even just a sliver of hope
in it won’t **** you.”

wishes are meant to be kept secret
so i’ll whisper it to myself
wishing you all the happiness and love in the world
with or without me in it.

i love you enough to want the best for you
and here i will always save my wishes for you.
I think of you every time. Shooting stars and 11:11, it doesn't hurt to believe in something even for a little bit. I care for you more than you know, I will always make my wishes for you and I always hope for my wishes to come true.
If the only reason why
you break up with me
is because we are
apart.

Then our love wasn’t real at all.

Distance carries
no weight
and love is not for your
convenience.
It is a constant
decision.

We build a life apart
only to build the life
we want
together.

I do
miss you
your touch
and the
smell of your
skin.

I am
jealous of
all the people
who get to
be with you,
to see you,
and not from a screen.

But you
thought we were
temporary
when distance
was only days away.

Love
should’ve been
greater
but for you,
it wasn’t in
your favor.
it crawls into and creeps
in your mind
and inside of you
is an uncontrollable rapid
that your heart struggles to keep up
and your breathing shakes
your skin turns cold like you're
drowning
wondering when
will it stop
and.a soft whisper tells you
to fear for your life.
the sound of the rain
hugged our memories as i cuddled the pain
shivering in anxiety; wrapped in blankets of your shadow
touching the most fragile parts of me in sorrow.

the sound of thunder
travelled in reverse like how our always turned to never
and in the rolling of silent roars, I look for your sweet voice
as if it's the cleanest noise, and yours is the only choice.

the sound of the wind
whispered all the could've been, all our would've been
caressing your skin the way i should’ve held you close like it’s a sin
my love, can you help me comprehend?
j x j collaboration with no discussion beforehand to what we wanted to write together, did a line each out of spontaneity
Black and white
but, this was gray.
Six trips around the sun,
and finally today.

Variety of hues
stained my eyes,
shades in between
no longer in disguise.

At last, I gaze at the layers
of paint on your canvas
remarkable, complete chaos—a portrait;
palette drips in harmonious madness.
No longer in the gray area, I can finally see the colors of you.
It was in your eyes,
I knew.
That all I want,
is to spend the rest of my life
with you.
eyes are the windows to the soul and you are the love of my life
They say,
It’s okay to cry
Because
You need to let it
All out.

And when I did,
It wouldn’t stop,
I couldn’t stop,
I had no control
And it burned.

Cloud full of tears
Planting seeds and
Growing thorns
Around my body twisting in knots
I couldn’t untie.

I knew
That being in this house
Was trapping me,
Boxing me up like old toys
Put away, tucked shut.

I felt cornered
With no way out,
No way to escape
All the feelings
Inside me.

I was short of breath,
Close to out of it.
Upset as I was,
I needed to turn it all off
And put an end to it, the agony.

So I took a walk in the rain
At four in the morning
Still dark out
But I had to get out
Of the house.

But finally,
Finally.
I felt release
Through
The fresh air breeze.
tequila
sliding down
quick, hot
and its taste
lingering in
the insides of my
mouth now
dancing inside
my body
and running
in my blood
like a marathon
racing to
the finish
only to get
me feeling
weak in the knees
tingling
and my mind was
once full of
stressed thoughts
creating
unnecessary pain
is now emptied
into the sound of
good laughs
and clanking glasses
whilst
drowning in the
music,
my body
swaying
in its rhythm
and my heart
sings where
people can hear it.
Did you hear it?
when I asked you
to dance?
when I grabbed you
by the hand
going with every
beat of the music?
when we smiled at
each other,
locked eyes
and I told you
what a great time
this was?
did you feel it?
did you feel
the way
I did?
drink the thoughts and feelings away
a day of love
but spent it alone
saw you in a corner
but not on your own

beer in hand
big smiles and laughs
introduced by a friend
who knew we would cross paths?

conversations flowing
staring at each other's eyes
a smile like yours
caught me by surprise

left you for a while
and went for a dance
came back, you were gone
i've missed my chance

alone in a full room
thinking if we'll ever meet again
'twas short but magical
till then...
in that hour of meeting you, i fell for our conversation
but you didn't.
you stopped,
you didn't even try
and just walked away
and I wish you would care.
I wanted to be someone worth fighting for.
let's play a game
you and i
stare in silence
while locking eyes

nervous and quite shy
turned into big smiles
then quiet laughter
still looking intently all the while

every second passing
and strings started to exist
attaching and latching
knots tying in twists

electricity started flowing
unseen but a rushing feel
back and forth
a connection -- is this becoming real?

in that short time
i started to imagine
me leaning in to kiss you
and I almost let it happen

three hundred seconds is up
and i tried to explain
but i couldn't tell you everything
that was going on in my brain

so i told you i feel closer to you
without saying anything more
didn't want you to know
it was you i was longing for.
i saw a video about people staring in silence for five minutes and we decided to try it and it was funny at first we couldn't stop smiling and quietly laughing then as time passed, our reactions were changing and we got more serious, i started to feel more than what i'm seeing in front of me. i was taking deep slow calm breaths and started to feel a true connection with you and in the end when we could finally share our experiences from it, you told me yours and i didn't tell you what was going on with me fully, didn't tell you my urge to kiss you, didn't tell you the feelings that were growing because after all, we're just friends trying a game right?
don't call us “friends”
when all you do is pretend

act like you don't want to attack
but you'll do it behind my back

and all i've been was loving and nice
but you were threatened by my spice

you mistake me for being flirty
when you're the who did me *****

telling everyone i'm the one to hate
when all i've done was be a good mate

so go on and talk **** about me
and i get we all have our insecurities

but don't be fake and start talking ****
hurting other people is just not it

words are just as hurtful as fists
pain like this can exist on wrists

there's too much hate already being hurled
when are you gonna realize we need more love in this world?

if you're wondering if i'd ever do that to you
i don't have the heart to do what you did to me too

and in the end, i'd still care about you
even if our relationship decides to fall through
you took advantage of my kindness, i was so blind and completely mindless
you feel
too much
all the time
every single **** time

and time and time again
you tell yourself
"don’t make that same mistake again"
"don’t give too much again"

and when things don’t work out
you hurt, feel that aching pain
a thousand times more
over and over

and you tried to step back
have one foot out the door
you tried to be ready
but you will never be ready

you locked your heart
so far in a safe box
for the next person
but you end up spilling yourself
all over them like you did
the last time

it’s okay to give
everything
it’s okay to feel
everything
but honey,
guard your heart
and love
with no regret.
i wasn't ready to know you were in love with someone else
can we just lay in bed
with my head resting on your chest
listening to the sound of your breath
and your heart singing a perfect duet?
if only you knew
the things i'd do for you
the things i've done for you

if only you knew
the pain i've felt on my feet
all those days spent
cleaning, cooking and entertaining

if only you knew
that i didn't have any pancake mix
but found a way to satisfy your cravings
because i wanted you to be happy

if only you knew
how tired i was
my body was shutting down
but my mind was racing with
thoughts of you

if only you knew
the time, energy and effort spent
all to just impress you and give
you a good time

if only you knew
the insane extra charge to deliver
a box of cupcakes for your mom
on mother's day but you didn't show up

if only you knew
how much i wanted to spend
time with you even if it was just
for ten minutes but it never happened

if only you knew
how much i wanted to hug you
or be near you to show you how much
you mean to me but you seemed distant

if only you knew
how willing i am,
how i'd go the ends of the earth for you,
how i'd write poems about you,
show you how you should be loved,
how much i care for you,
and how i'd give you more than the world
i'd give you the universe.

if you only just knew.
should i have told you?
words I want to say
to you but
I won't
do you even think of me?
It has been a minute
Since I’ve last spilled my words
Every time I write
The lines blurred.

I tried to write about the countdown
Till I see another face again
About hugs, the front-liners, different battles,
The quarantine— when it’ll all end.

But every time I wrote
I was reminded of the truth
2020 hasn’t been all that smooth.

When I would write
A flood of feelings from the past
Told me that moment was
The first and the last.

It was hard to write about the future
Hope disguised as expectations
When reality bled through the sutures
Giving me palpitations— a figment of my imagination.

When I would write about the present
The pain that it came with,
People dying and front-liners crying,
Stupidity preaching the virus is a myth.

Writing poetry
Made me miss people even more,
The outside world
With anxiety kicking down my door.

So I escaped in dances
Music and exercise
Downing six white claws
Playing video games and the ukulele till sunrise.

Writing was my coping mechanism
But I couldn’t stomach this
So here I write, trying it all again
Hopefully it wont hurt as much as it did.
I am happy to be okay to write again.
We were two halves
trying to fit
our pieces
together.

We took away
fragments of
ourselves
apart,
little by little.

Not knowing
we were already
slicing chunks
off of each other
becoming someone
we no longer
recognize.

It was then
we realized,
no matter
how much
effort we put,
how much
we stripped off,
we couldn't force
the pieces to fit.

You and I,
we weren't right
but
at least
we tried.
I tried to change for you, you tried to change for me.
I tried to change you. You tried to change me.
We tried to make things work between us but we just couldn't fit.
When I look at you,
you give me butterflies,
a flower garden springing,
a rush in my body, so
explosive yet still,
a feeling I haven’t felt in a while.

When I look at you,
bringing out a smile,
so genuine, flirty, lingering
glued shut in my mind,
wishing I was brave to say,
“it looks so **** good on you”.

When you look at me,
I catch you with mine.
I see you staring
with your sparkling, buzzed
hazy brown eyes, my heart races
as the crowd blurs,
the voices muffled,
an unbroken gaze, breathing deeply into
the split seconds we hold.

When you look at me,
a series of stolen glances
is all it is, with us thieves.
Wasted, only to look in my eyes for
a fleeting, hot, one-time moment,
but I was looking for a lifetime in yours.

When I look at you,
it’s like gold dust, uncommon.
Only to look from a distance but
never stare, as I can’t have
but only glimpses of you.

When you look at me,
I only hope,
it’s the way I look at you.
my feet were grounded till you held
the world in your hands

shook it hard in your palms
i could no longer stand

and i fell so fast with nowhere to grip
slipping through my fingertips

nowhere to go but down,
tumbling, sliding, trying to find ground

gravity's pulling me faster
it's been disaster after disaster.
is this what it feels like to fall for someone
a shimmer of lights
stillness of the night
patterns made by the stars
gazing up at what could be ours
the cold air kisses your face,
wrapped in blankets like a warm embrace
the sound of leaves caressing the trees —
a lullaby, slow dancing in the breeze
moonlight peeking through the shadows
a whiff of nature in the atmos
it was a beautiful night
Maybe
the things
we think that happened at
the wrong time
may be
just the right time.
distance makes the heart say you want her
"distance makes the heart grow fonder"
i gave you the room key
just to stay for one night
but you've been extending
coming back even at daylight

you run in the clouds
and walk in the sun,
your overstay has hit its time
so when are you checking out, ***?
minding my own business till you came along, you were allowed only one night in my mind but you stayed longer than i thought. i didn't expect you to stay in my dreams or stay when i awoke, you need to leave before i get attached.
He judged her without evening know her,
without even giving her a chance.
In his mind,
he sees a monster.

She judged him from what she’s heard about him,
and she believed what they all warned her about.
In her mind,
she hears a monster.

She hears the names they all called her.
He sees the ugly images they made you picture of him.
She feels the cold shoulders and the wandering eyes.
He smells the horror by the way people keep their distance.

And all that took
was the bitter taste of
a few unkind thoughts,
words spread by
the people we call "friends"
and by the strangers
who twists them a little deeper
with a dagger of pain that
you can't clutch with your hand.

You see, we’re all murderers.
Change the way you think of others because your negative thoughts and assumptions are killing other people. Every time you think horribly of a person, remember you just threw a dagger by that thought. Some people don't know they're being judged when all they do is throw a bucket of nice and happy thoughts your way but little do they know, you think ill of them. Give people the chance to show you who they are before your mind starts to program them as monsters.
and i've seen too many times
the word "sorry" in my texts
that it starts to lose its meaning
and how it would've meant
everything in the flesh.

it's 2022, i know
but i'm tired of phones
and would want to live like we're
in the 1700s so i could
see your efforts show.

so i leave my phone behind
wanting to slow down
and disappear for awhile
so i take my walk
mile after mile.
i'll keep walking till i feel better but for now, i'm still finding the heart to forgive.
I think of your smile
I think of your jokes
I think of your soft brown hair
I think of your sparkling eyes
I think of the way you wear your jacket
I think of the time when you first came over to talk to me
I think of the time we first sat beside each other
I think of the time we shared boba
I think of the time you brought me home
I think of the time you kept trying to talk to me
I think of the time you try to come near me
I think of the time I've waited around for you after work
I think of the time we messaged each other
I think of the movie we watched together
I think of the pizza we ate
I think of the time we talked about sports
I think of the time when I met your parents
I think of the time you first held my hand
I think of the time you picked me up when I fell
I think of the way you laugh
I think of the way you kissed me
I think of us
I think of what we could've been
I think of you when I listen to music
I think of you when I watch tv shows and movies
I think of the hugs you'd give me at my front door
I think of the way you looked at me when I left
I think of our conversations
I think of the trips we've planned
I think of the time when we were vulnerable
I think of the way you made my heart flutter
I think of the way you made my blood rush
I think of the way sparks flew when we touched
I think of you when I'm about to leave the house
I think of you when I look up at the stars
I think of you when I play the piano
I think of you when I exercise
I think of you when I wake up
I think of you when I cook pasta like how I did for you
I think of you while putting on my make-up
I think of you when I'm about to pray
I think of you before I go to bed
I think of you even if I don't want to
I think I'm not over you.
wrote this back in february and it took me so long to post this because till now i see how raw these emotions were that i can't fix it and so i'll leave it as is. i don't know how to control my thoughts but i think of you all the time, even when I'm not trying to.
sitting across from me
was you and your big smile,
the way your eyes would squint as we were
laughing about the different oreo flavors
watching you pull out packs and packs of them
eagerly from your backpack
dunking it in a purple shake -- the sweet taste
of ube and the little pearls sitting at the bottom,
our table filled and soon our stomachs,
the steam of freshly cooked rice and the sizzle of pork sisig,
the clanking of the utensils and the sound of the conversations
you started,

i can hear it all in my head.

a scene that almost played out but didn't,
a moment i wish took place,
excitement was now a shade of dark blue
and the plans we've made turned into dust.

i wish i've known what was going on inside your head
and here I am talking to you in mine
whispering for you to come home
but you are.
a humble, humorous, sweet and thoughtful young man. a year hasn't even gone by and you were one of the many blessings i received in 2019. i keep thinking about how i should've messaged you that day and how i should've told you i cared. until we meet again, J.
i miss the days
of being alone
in the house by myself
and i didn't have to hide
my feelings
and i could cry
in each corner of the house
and i would try
to occupy myself
with frantic cleaning,
horrible singing,
expressive dancing,
and absent writing
and the way i could
get myself high
just being all over the place
or sometimes
oversleeping at
one place
because i didn't want
to think
but now,
it feels like
i can't be me
when i need to be.

so please
just leave me alone
Words stain like red wine on your couch
and you try so hard to erase it out
but remnants will remain
and even when you no longer see it,
it will always exist in your mind
and you will remember,
memories and feelings will rush back
and you wish you could remove that stain--
that scar that won't ever disappear
in your mind as easily as you removed
that red wine.
Be careful with what you say when you're angry or in pain. When things cool down and you say, "you didn't mean it", it becomes hard to believe it because everything was said and done and you can't take that back. Forgiveness can happen but remember that they won't forget it, you permanently scar someone.
you’re the kind of high i like,
the one i can’t get enough of,
you are my favorite flower.

and i’ll watch you lay on a blanket,
and wrap your arms to cuddle me in,
let our emotions ride the waves
feelings all so raw and real.

and i’ll inhale you deeply,
hold it in,
plant the seeds to grow a
garden of you.

your aroma, your scent,
it thickens in my memories,
my lungs tastes of you.

and exhaling all that anxiety,
my mind has turned a switch
and all the noise i once drowned in
are muffled whispers going into silence.

and i smile by the way
i’m addicted to you that
all i want is more of you,
i don’t want just the bouquet
but the paradise garden that is you.
on the spot writing so might tweak in the future but you get me as high as a kite
a coward holds the lovers card upright in his hand
told them both he’d take to the promise land
torn between two queens, all confused
didn’t want to leave any of them bruised.

a naive youngster held the fool in reverse
fell for all the tricks and games was the curse
she gave in full but took none, always came at second best
time wasted being used, finding out again she was just the guest.
misfortune-telling
a man afraid to choose so he led both on because he didn't want to hurt any
a woman believed him and she was always an option but never the choice
It was a good night,
we didn’t know where the time had gone,
we could not stop laughing
because it was all so much fun.

We were all filled with whopping joy,
big smiles and full hearts.
We all hugged each other goodbye,
exchanged “I love yous” like sweethearts.

But that night I knew,
it was too good to be true.
I woke up being told
unbelievable news.

I couldn’t believe,
didn’t want to, from what I’ve heard.
I was so confused,
couldn’t say a word.

It was only then,
I saw you lying on a bed,
your eyes closed and lips curved into a smile,
was when it all sank in, in my head.

It only took one look,
and I looked away so quick.
I stood there, tears welled up in my eyes,
my heart ached like it was kicked.

It was only a few hours before
that I’ve heard your voice and laugh,
I didn’t think it would ever be the last,
only left with a memory like a still photograph.

My mind’s cluttered; I don’t know what to do
or how to face the reality of this.
I keep thinking it’s all a dream
that this is all just ludicrous.

I waited for you to wake
and tell us, this was all a charade
because you loved to fool us a lot
so, I just prayed and prayed.

It happened all so fast,
your face was full of color but now, a shade of gray.
You lay there so peacefully,
knowing you’re fading away.

I lost a great friend that night
but heaven gained an angel.
I pray to you every day, and to God,
for blessing me with you, that, I am thankful.
To my dearest friend, he was literally a goof ball making everyone and anyone laugh and have a good time. He passed away so young and I still miss him everyday. You realize that life is way too short and you'll never know what happens, and it can happen in just a second, and everything will change. That night, we all strangely felt so much love for each other, more than ever and that's when we got a call a few hours later. I did stand there for a really long time, staring and waiting for him to tell me this was just a joke he was playing.  It hurts, knowing that he's only living in my prayers now but, I am thankful I've met such a kind soul. When you've lost someone, you're heart breaks and you lose a piece of you. I pray to him. I think of him and I'm happy to know that he's okay. I love you, P.
I've been watching the clock
daydreaming of us holding each other,
the sun in our eyes and the bright blue skies,
the smell of the grass and the white noise of chatter,
the wind sending us cold kisses on our cheeks and
whirling your chestnut brown hair,
the way your lips curl with your charming smile
and the way your eyes sparkle melts my soul,
I've craved feeling your skin against mine,
your touch that sends me to the highest of places
as our fingers interlace gently,
your lips pressed to mine as I can feel
how much we've missed each other, passionate yet tender
and every nerve in my body sends into this rush of longing for you
and here, all I want is to stay in your arms a little longer,
stare into each other's eyes a little longer,
I want us to just stay at this moment for a little longer
but for now, you're alive but only in my mind
missing you extra hard every single time
waiting till I see you again
counting down the seconds till I can.
lockdown thoughts got me missing and craving for intimate moments and I've been imagining when I'm finally in your arms again
Do you ever look at someone
and remember the chance
you’ve missed?

You look at how happy they are
and a part of you wishes
it was you?

Do you remember when he
confessed his feelings for you
and you walked away?

And now,
staring at this photograph,
you only wish him the world?
Tell them how you feel before you miss it.
i wanted to spend time with you
i wanted to cook for you
i wanted to dance for you
i wanted to dance with you
i wanted to cuddle with you
i wanted to hug you
i wanted to grab and kiss you
i wanted to hold your hand
i wanted to play for you
i wanted to laugh with you
i wanted to be right beside you
i lacked in action because i was afraid
I hope you find
the peace you are
searching for.

I hope you find
the love that you crave
and more.

I hope you find
the warmth in the
arms of a lover.

I hope you find
your mind always
thinking of her.

I hope you find
adventures in storms
rainbows and thunder.

I hope you find
the life you want
in blends of color.

I hope you find
the place where you
long to be.

I hope you find
happiness that will
set you free.
I only wish you happiness. Whomever you're with, take care of her and I hope she does the same for you because you are precious.
silence is loud when you're alone
and it's not the absence of noise
or the humming in your ear,
it's something only you can hear and no one else
it's constant and explosive and all around
it's the uproar of your thoughts
making all that sound

you can try and hush it,
try to make it a nice place to be but
you know another just comes
and it can affect you, hurt you
leave you in a loop— analysis paralysis
now don't lose yourself in it
break from that cycle, don't let
it eat at you bit by bit

it's like a virus that spreads
and starts numbing your body
your mind'***** overload and
just blaring, almost deafening...
but still,
you can never hear complete silence
not even when you're alone
so go rest your heavy head
and escape from reality
i'm sorry you have to do it again
because dreams are temporary.
my mind won't shut up and it's speaking nonsense
you
you
I talk to God about you
I ask Him how He created you
Someone as nearly perfect
To be living in such a fragile world
With a heart too pure for it.
I thank Him for having me cross your path
And every night, I have prayed for you.
you are wonderful
The betrayal
You’ll never see it coming
And it all started with laughter,
Conversations, games and
A bottle
with no trace of taste
Undetected, I swallowed the lot
And I remember the smirk faces
As I down each droplet of what
looked to be innocent soda
And my mind had lost its way
But found it back to remember...

This part,
where you were
Kneeling over my numb body
and a feeling of pain
As you push yourself up against me
And that’s when I felt cold.

I froze
With my eyes wide open
My mind blank with no thought
My body in a state of shock
And my eyes pooling with water
As all the strength in me drained
I couldn’t believe it,
You never asked.

My tongue forgot how to speak
My voice didn’t exist
And my muscles had no life
As you moan under your breath
In repeated motion
And your body is sprinting
To reach the finish.

For months, I've laid on the same couch
Every single day doing nothing but
Crunched up in shame
Feeling guilty and bad for myself
Like I did something wrong
Hid my tears from the people that pass me
Crying from the trauma
And every time I look at that spot
On the couch I once laid with all that shame,
I can see the print my body left—a dent
of my crunched up body, cushions wet with tears
And I’ll remember it.

You were my friend
And I thought you would protect me
But instead you scarred me
And now I trust no one.

And to you,
I was no longer a person.
i trusted you to protect me but instead you took something from me

— The End —