When I wrote about love the pages of my notebook would turn purple and blue

A mixture of tears and ink stains, smudged words about how ex-lovers caused my core to rot like an apple decomposing in a pile of compost.

That’s how I felt.

Buried beneath the dirt, stuck in the ground being eaten away by the past.

Because whenever I loved, and I mean truly loved I couldn’t see the ugly truth from the lens of my rose-tinted glasses.

It’s funny how one smile can leave you so blinded.

The rush, the thrill, chasing your crush, the desire to be wanted, you don’t realise it can lead to so much hurt.

But you learn.

There is heartbreak which I think we all know, or all will know.

I didn’t know that people could pluck you out of the crowd because you remind them of that one person who broke them so they use you as a substitute, though you’re not quite the original

Or being a **** toy, a human doll, there for display but never to be heard,

Maybe you got shot with constant insults because apparently that’s how some people flirt and compassion doesn’t clench your partner's thirst anymore.

When you look at it from afar the romance seems so pure, a Hollywood blockbuster next best seller, featuring Hugh Grant.

Then you take a closer look, you see the forced smiles, you hear the sighs and you notice the tears clouding in their eyes.

You try and hit rewind because you know there are good parts but your remotes broken and keep's jumping to the scenes that scarred you deep inside.

Can love ever be beautiful if all you’ve known is a heavy heart weighed down by the ghosts who lie locked away in your old diaries?

Nothing is ever going to be perfect but that doesn’t mean it has to leave you covered in scratches.

The damage doesn’t fade you just become used to it, however, all my damage gave me knowledge
I now know how demons play you

And that I refuse to let them beat me next time they feel like a game

I never even lost to them, they just convinced me they had won, grabbed the trophies and walked away

But I now know what I want love to be for me and what love should be

Those in my memories, the ones who broke me

Walk upon this Earth like a plague, gathering up souls in the palms of their hand

Feasting on the pain of others for their own personal gain

A twisted hunt, a search for power

Words will spread like wildfire and we will all know to sprinkle a salt around us next time these demons dare get close

Their time is over.

Because I also know what it is to love someone who is human

Who gives me that same sensation that I feel when reading inside beneath a pile of blankets whilst rain lightly dances and taps upon the window glass

That rush of comfort you get when you fall into your bed after a long day and can finally rest

When you’re with a group of friend and can’t stop laughing over the dumbest things, tears roll down your cheeks but they’re tears hand sewn by happiness

Or that random night out where you end up on the most spontaneous adventure and just lose yourself in the moment of surprise and when you think back to that day, you know that it is these moments that keep you alive.

And when these sensations, the comfort and glorious moments come to an end, the pain isn’t ugly, it’s more of an ache, to go back to these times and re-live these times all over again.

And you know you can seek them out and relive them, just maybe with a different coloured blanket, a new mattress, a new group of friends.

But the same feelings are all still there, and though your heart has stitches deep within it, it is this type of love that vanquishes the demons and helps you mend.

I ate a cheese string this morning
I looked in the fridge, empty again
The thought of pouring milk onto cereal was too much of an effort
I wanted something already there
I peeled it out of its ugly packaging, an illustrated version of it plastered with a grin
I bit into it and chewed, it tasted like its packaging, plastic and grim I ate it with no grin
Yet I finished it and mourned longing for a taste more real, far less artificial
But there was nothing, unless I made something, but eating that cheese string had taken a bit of life out of me
I ate a cheese string the next morning
I looked in the fridge, empty again
The thought of pouring milk onto cereal was too much of an effort
I wanted something already there
It’s forced smile beamed up at me, welcoming me a familiarity
I bit into it, chewed, still despised the taste of plastic on my tongue
But I still didn’t have the energy to make something yum
The vicious cycle began, every morning, a cheese string in my hand
I had grown used to the fakeness of the taste and how processed and hard these strings of cheese are
I couldn’t bring myself to make anything decent that I knew I secretly craved and I did pray that I could bring myself to say no to a cheese string one day
A cheese string to me is like an edible depression
Tasteless, gross, plastic and fake something you know you need to escape
But you get used to the ugly, it becomes a daily routine, you want to break out of it
But are not quite sure how you see, you don’t quite have the energy even just to create something as simple but tasty as strawberries and cream.

Take me back to the night
When we became one
With the streets
And the city lights
We flew through the air
Forgetting the sorrows
That this would be over by tomorrow
For we got lost in the moment
But we didn’t want to find our way back
For being lost in that moment
Was the best feeling I’ve ever had

I wake up in the morning

Check my messages

Still no replies-

I walk into a room filled with people

Go to speak

But I'm greeted with silences-

I close my eyes and think back to you

Even though you ruined me

It was still nice to have

Company-

Now I walk along these roads

And a glance from a stranger

Is one of the few things that makes me feel less alone

Where did everyone I love go?

Three or four summers ago
Childhood friends to become something more
You waited patiently for me,
To be charmed by your humour
And musicality
It happened in the moment
On your blue and gold sofa
I thought we had something
As our lips intertwined
We lost track of time
But you used me
Saw I was broken
Abused me
First kiss
Oh how I miss
Your twisted excuses
To try and
***** me,
**** me,
get in my pants
But you burnt out quicker than a cigarette
On a windy day
And this poem is the last bit of smoke you have burning
And now I shall stomp you out
Your last bit of light
First kiss
First miss
Darling

Goodnight.

The lacy touch of your fingers upon my *******
The soft touch of your smooth lips upon mine
Now lay between the empty bed sheets
Stained with time
The spilt tears
The endless fears
The lacy touch of your fingers upon her *******
The soft touch of your smooth lips against her hips
Now lay covered under the fresh bed sheets
Stained with your crime
Was I nothing more but a doll to play with?
Some sort of toy that you could just dispose of as time went on?
I looked into your eyes
I thought I saw your soul
Now I hope that she can see the truth;
You pick us out at random like a raffle ticket
And if the prize you receive does not please you

Then the exchange shall be soon

She felt like she was on ecstasy

Whenever he was next to her

He felt like he was high-

She made him float

They became addicted to each other

For their company to one another was

Endless nights of euphoria

"It's over"

You said

I had to ask you to repeat yourself

Because all I could hear was white noise

And an infinite emptiness

Crash your body into mine

Like how the waves crash down and hit the shore on a stormy day

We can take turns being the thunder

Being the lightning

And drown in one another

Until we’re back to being a light summers breeze

I’d still run right back to you

Even if you were waiting for me

With a loaded weapon

And it terrifies

What this love I have for you

Will let you to do me

As our lips touched

I tasted heaven for the first time

I felt the wings rise from your back

You shone your holy light right into my heart

And from that moment on

I knew apart of me would always be in love

With an angel who walks amongst Earth

I feel nauseous when I look back at old photographs

Of us smiling arm in arm

Because it makes me sick to think

I ever believed in your love  

When you were the one who tore my entire world apart

I thought I knew what being alone meant

Until everyone who once loved me

Just seemed to stop -

No longer offering care.

(SONG LYRICS)

I was making my way down old London town

The cities lights were like a sirens cry

I knew I wouldn’t be making it home to my bedside

And I could hear fate calling out my name

But lord knows, fate, well she’s got a darker side

I stumbled down a street and my feet dragged me into a room

And as the fog cleared

There he stood

Oh I fell in love with the devil at a bar

And he won me over cause he sure knows how to charm

Oh I fell in love with the devil at a bar

And he stole my heart with nothing but a wink of those eyes

I’ve dated demons before

But this guy was hell in human form

And **** he played his game so well

He poured liquor down my throat

Tied strings right through my skin

From that moment on I would only ever dance for him

He was a puppeteer a master of the craft

A true magician of the dark arts

And I was his doll

I was his to do as he pleased

Oh how willingly I just handed myself over to him because

I fell in love with the devil at a bar

And he won me over cause he sure knows how to charm

Oh I fell in love with the devil at a bar

And he stole my heart with nothing but a wink of those eyes

I’ve dated demons before

But this guy was hell in human form

And **** he played his game so well

A few years went by and I had managed to escape

But oh how he left me scarred inside

All spells wear off and I was lucky enough to fall out of his grasp

Before I ended up dead

And as I made my way back down old London town

I was greeted with such a familiar sound

I heard fate calling for me

And as the fog cleared guess who I could see

Oh I may have fell in love with the devil at a bar

He may have won me over because he sure know how to charm

Oh I know I fell in love with the devil at a bar

And he stole my heart with nothing but a wink of those eyes

I’ve dated demons before

But this guy was hell in a human form

And oh how he thought he played his games so well

As he tried to lure me in again and tie me to his strings again

I did what I should’ve done years ago

I did what any moral person should

I pulled out my gun and asked him

‘Hey baby, what’s good’

I miss you

I miss your wide eyes that glistened in the sunlight

Those eyes could see such beauty within life

Even something grey could become something neon

Those eyes could visualize entire worlds out of objects in a shopping basket

Plain paper was a portal into another dimension or had invisible ink that only you could see written upon it

I miss how words would spill off your tongue whereas now you go to speak

And half the time you choke on sentences because there is too much anxiety in verbalizing your beliefs

You used to never hold back, you would tell others what you think

And when beaten down you’d use that pain to create and find ways to escape

You could get yourself into danger but always found safety because you were safe within yourself

You used to laugh, you used to scream

You used to cry, you used to show the world your feelings with your face up to the sky

Telling the world you weren’t afraid because you knew keeping things inside would eat you up alive but then they told you to be quiet and as you aged you became so silent

I miss how you were your own best friend and didn’t need anyone by your side and though you felt so lonely at night

You would wake up the next day, walk out into the daylight glowing because nothing would ever stop you,

Not even the slamming of doors or the fists in the walls because you had done wrong

You were so fearful but you’d never run crying,

You’d walk away slowly showing people that you didn’t run when scared because you had courage flowing through your veins

So many things tried to break you

But then slowly over time, your bones started to crack under the weight of everything and the spark inside of you began to dim-

The worlds filled with faeries became plagued with demons

And finding safety within yourself was impossible

You lost all you were good at

There was no more laughter

No more screaming

No more crying

And your face could no longer bear to look up at the sky because it felt like you’d been feeding yourself lies and the idea of trying to survive felt so pointless

The loneliness, the slamming of doors and fists hitting walls became lists of reasons you no longer wanted to be alive

The fear grew so intense that you locked yourself into your room believing that you weren’t deserving of life

You locked up those emotions because you were terrified to tell the world how you were truly feeling behind your false smiles,

The world kept reminding you how unwanted you were so why would it care that you prayed for death every night on your bedroom floor

I miss you

I miss how happy you were and how you would run across the grass arms spread out singing out into the silence

Or singing whilst walking through the streets because you had songs blossoming in your heart and didn’t give a **** that you couldn’t really sing

You kept writing those songs but they remained hidden because you didn’t think your songs worthy enough to fill any silence, everything you did felt so ugly and unnecessary

I miss you

And I am sorry for losing you so quickly and never bothering to find you

And for all the other loses yet to come

For all the hardships that you still have to go through-

You’re somewhere though, I can still feel you inside

And I think it is you that is the reason this butchered heart is still beating.

Trace my corners with your fingers

Caress my curved spine

Kiss every inch of me

Spoil me with your love

And I shall spoil you with mine

Please tell me your lies

How you saw a shooting star and thought of you and I

Because even when you’re pressed against me

All  my fingers ever touch is your skin as cold as ice

You’re running out of love to give

And it is eating me alive

So cover me in dishonesty

Make it sweet like honey -

I’ll allow these falsities to drip all over me

Because I’m not sure if I am strong enough to face the truth

As I know if you do see a shooting star you’ll think of you and -

I saw you smile at someone else

The same way you smiled at me-

When you locked your fingers into mine

And broke the silence with “I love you”-

I guess I should just try and be happy, as we are no more

That you’ve found someone else to give away

Your “I love you’ too

I can still taste you
You’re there in the back of my throat
My tongue is swollen at the thought
My taste buds are bitter
Even drinking water hurts
I have never felt so broke
I’ve brushed at my teeth so hard to try and scrub you off  
My gums are now bleeding
My lips are chapped
But no matter how much I rinse you’re still inside my mouth
I can’t spit you out

I’ve torn at my skin
I want to peel you off
But you’ve woven yourself so far in
Deeper than any tattoo I have
I’m covered in burn marks
I am so red
Itching all over trying to scratch you out
My nails are chipped my flesh looks so angry
I can’t help but scream

Why won’t you get out?

You’ve caused me to rot
I am a living skeleton that belongs deep in the Earth
I am alive my heart it still beats
But even when I take my last breath
I will probably look more alive than this

It hurts to walk
It hurts to move
All I can do is cry
All I can do is remain still
I’m choking on my tears whilst you dig your hands into my brain
Tearing up my mind
This is all in my head but you’ve caused me such damage
That I am falling apart from the inside to the out-

Why won’t you get out?

Dear whoever:

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m writing this to let you know-

I can’t-

One filled up bin

One wrecked notebook

One hundred crumpled pages later

My throat is so tight

My hands are bleeding

My eyes are sore

How do I tell them?

Am I too sick to care?

Am I too sick to recover?

“You have so many reasons to live”

Yet those reasons seem to be a fiction you feed to me whilst you write notes down into your leather-bound journal

My head is such a mess that all the wounds in it continue to tear and open

At this point there is no possibility of being stitched up

Rejection after rejection

Loss after loss

I felt hopeful for 2 hours earlier today and then got an email reminding me that I am just not quite good enough

“So when is the last time you genuinely felt happy”

Maybe it was when I was 7 or 8 and sat on the grass building make-believe worlds the suns gentle warmth pressed lightly against my back, knowing I could cry and people would listen because I was young and still had so much to learn

I long for that blissful naivety of being young

And though I know I am still young (ish) , I am not young enough

And so many people stripped me of my youth way too soon because being a teenager you’re told to aspire to act grown up which wore me out so much

That those days were still filled with

One filled up bin

One wrecked notebook

One hundred crumpled pages later

I never intended to live this long.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts”

But the inside for me is a dead end

There is nothing

But a gaping hole

They sell Hell is torture

So, I guess the Earth

Is the Devil’s playground

We either go to heaven

Or remain-

Here.

Once walking through the clouds of heaven
An angel did spy on the ground below
Curious to learn the ways of the mortals
She shed her halo and carefully packed up her wings
She bid the comfort of heaven farewell, eager for more
And fell to Earth
The world greeted her, ablaze with flames
These flames began to burn around her heart
Promising to keep the Angel warm whilst she ventured on
Heaven envied the joy that the Earth did provide
And heaven wept
Rain poured from the sky
The fire that the Angel fell so in love with had started to die out
As the flames faded, she grew weak
But a spark had always lived inside the Angel
It ran through her blood
She unpacked her wings and attached them to her back
She knew the spark was there
She had grown weary of heaven’s jealousy
And knew it was time to battle
The Angel’s fire was so strong it put out the rain that had tried to **** her
Her wings were aglow with orange and red
For the fire didn’t control her, she controlled it

The sun rose the next day
And my bed felt so empty
All that lay on it was myself -
A shell of a person
Whose heart was so broken
I felt the warmth of a death wish
Run the end of its fingers
Over my skin
I planted my lips on it
Slowly kissed it
Because a life without you
Felt like something I just couldn’t live
It was an impossibility
The idea of you without me was so ugly
It made me feel sick
I chose to fade into darkness
Live in the past
Because in the present and the future
Our love was broken,
Our love did not exist
And that killed me so much
Because you made me believe
That a life without love,
A life without your love
Is not a life that should be lived.

The wine tastes like bliss as it pours down my throat

Add a few pills to the mix to try and fill this gaping hole

I do this

So I can get to sleep

All I long for-

Eternal peace

Because the days feel so long

And not being able to feel anything

Hurts, it hurts more than feeling at all

I would pray for sadness

I would pray for anger

Both two things

I can hardly bare

But I would rather know that I have emotions

Rather than be empty forever  

Because the emptiness,

It kills.

I want to fold myself into you

But you’re not there

So I’ll clutch my pillow

And pretend

A thick silky ebony sky
Warming us with its salty tears
A quick sharp beautiful dance
That masks the mundane fears
Oh how those sorrows prance about
Making souls fly
Causing the desire for tomorrow to begin
Cease until morning sunrise

Your mind,
So beautiful
Causing the soldiers
Battling within my head,
To ceasefire
An ongoing conflict
Finally at rest.

Why don't you
**** Me
Up against the walls of an
Art Gallery
So I can become a more fitting
Masterpiece

I find comfort in make believe-
Fantasies
The way others might find comfort
In the thought of their lungs
Filling up
With water
But, the idea of drowning terrifies me
I’ve ran to the edge of a cliff before telling myself
The rocks might soften the blow
Catch me,
Before the water does
My skull will splinter and lay amongst the dirt.

I couldn’t find the courage to jump
However, I try to tell myself that laying down on the cotton wool grass
And looking up into space with tears running down my face
Whilst a voice tells me
“Sort your **** out before you truly do collapse”
Before I do go over the cliff's edge
Is far braver then becoming
Scattered bones
Amongst the water's side
There is such an ugliness with the obsession with wanting to die
It's far more than wanting though
Even more than a release
It’s a craving, a sick twisted addiction
A constant need-

Because once I am dead I will rot
I will become one with the Earth
Become a part of the soil
There is an uncertain ease in knowing that my body without function
Has so much more
Purpose
Compared to the one sitting here, breathing
With a heart beating on the inside
It’s like all I do with my time is drink tea and get high
Or
Dress up and get drunk

I’ve got these two people inside of me
But each of them both live in fear of sobriety
So instead of diving into liquid, giving the dramatics
I will destroy my organs and my mind
Because right now it feels like a way to simply past the time
There is always too much time
And self- destruction through substance
Feels like far less of a commitment
Then committing to actually jumping

Maybe I am not brave at all
Because I still lack the courage
To not destroy myself
One way or another.

We were wrapped up in blankets and sheets
That had memories of others who lay here before imprinted on them
Your hands were locked in mine
I could feel your velvet skin between my fingers
I had felt silk, wool and cotton before
But velvet has always been my favourite material
The silence of the room sang songs
I had heard it sing before
Songs that tasted of melting honey and warm milk
There was a sadness stirring inside me again
It had visited countless times before
Yet the thread of past ex lovers  always chose to ignore
But you looked at me and could feel it too
So you curled your body up against mine
And began to extract each droplet of woe
You replaced it with intimacy
That hit me like the sun rays when lying on the grass on a hot summers day
Then I realised
You know

You came to me again

The aftermath is almost the worst part

How do you survive constantly reliving hell?

Dreams will turn into nightmares

And so will reality

Everything will take the shape of you

Your hands will be all over my skin

Your hands will be around my neck

I’ll try and shower you off

But I’ve scrubbed at my skin so much

There is almost nothing left.

She is the fire I never knew I needed

But after being burnt too many times before

I will just watch her from afar

Longing to be closer


(Even though this hurts just as much as burning does)

You clipped my wings

I couldn’t fly away

Even when you left

They were still too damaged

Years, I couldn’t take off

But now-

My feathers have grown back

12

I try my best to fit in, but somehow they all know underneath I am not like them.
I am the freak, so I sit behind bars damaging myself but refuse any form of help.


14

Euthanasia, an easy and painful death. Yet a goodbye from you both would’ve made this hurt less. I am surrounded by a broken family, watching the strongest women I know fall apart at the seams.

16

I swallowed my sadness in a handful of pills and lay motionless for 2 weeks telling them all I had the ‘flu’, there was nothing but darkness and within that even more emptiness than I already felt

18

You left me, early February. I would have married you in a heartbeat. Though a healthy heart is not something you left me with after stabbing it with your fingers, my heart not being the only thing you involuntarily pierced.

20

I hope I grow from all of this.

I wished for you
Upon a shooting star
I got what
(I thought)
I desired
And now I understand why so many say
Be careful what you wish for

There’s an old run down house

On the corner of the street 5 blocks down

They say you can hear the angels sing

Singing songs

And I drove past it the other day

But all I could hear was the sound of the radio

Playing songs of the past

Maybe this is what they meant

And she walks around handing out daisies for a pound

Smelling of washing powder and soap

Loaning people compliments as well

Which is their’s to choose if they keep it

Or see it as another false statement

A reason to give her a half smile and then walk on

The streets keep whispering

Ghosts roam them too

A little girl was here just the other day

Who decided that life was just another game

That she had grown tired of playing

At only sixteen, drink and drugs seemed like the best choice

And each cigarette that she well knew took a day away from her life

Was a sweet kiss of relief in her eyes

He sits on the sandy banks of the river

Guitar in hand, this is what he does for a living

Playing music to strangers

Because in his head, a song can make all the difference to the day

Rain doesn’t stop him because he knows

And if you keep looking in the corners of these concrete jungles

You’ll find letters written

From lovers

And from people trying to search for something

But who got lost on the way and no longer know

What they’re looking for

You’ll hear the people in the walls of the Church

Spilling gospel off their tongues

Trying to paint the walls with art and words from their Holy Book

Which gives them all strength to stand and sing on

Even if underneath they’re breaking bones

Each four compass points

Are meant to direct you

But In some ways even if we know the right way to go

We’re all still wandering on

We all have our aims

But our limbs are getting sore

Yet we keep walking and striding on

If you look up into the sky at night

You’re met with a billion other eyes

Yet none of us can see

None of us can feel

That we’re not alone

Unless someone’s hand is wrapped in ours

We adore this false sense of hope

That living amongst all this material

We can try and make something

Out of all the scraps

To try and fulfill our unknown roles

That comes with existing on Earth

And we keep searching for a meaning

In this God forsaken world

It keeps turning and spinning under our feet

But we never stop to try and feel it

You’re still sitting there

In the middle of my heart

Plucking at its strings

With your fingers made of razors

He was my rose

Beautiful from afar

However,

I'd always bleed

After touching him

You breathing next to me

Is the only love song

I will ever need

An old metal box locked away
A treasure chest if you may
Containing fragments of your childhood
A china doll, broken
Photographs stained with age
The thunderstorm struck, you told me it would
That cursed the hours of your days

I awoke this morning
And in my veins flowed a longing sensation
My lungs tried to inhale as much air as they could
I paced up and down the pale hallway
That echoed with your golden memories
Your laughter danced up and through the window
Your tears rained down throughout the cities light show

All that was left was;
An old metal box, locked away
A treasure chest if you may
Containing fragments of your childhood

The rain lasted for months after we said those goodbyes. Maybe it was a sign that even the universe cried for us because we no longer found love in one another.

You'd hold me

I'd rest against your chest

Whilst your fingers ran

Up and down my side

But I'd always catch a glimpse

Of sadness in your blue eyes

Because I could never truly

Replace her

And that hurt us both

You just showed the pain more

Sometimes I wish I could

Pull the child who lives inside of me

Out,

Dress her wounds

Kiss her bruises

And embrace her in my arms

So,

She knows that one day

She will be

Loved

Though my lips

Were on

His

My thoughts were

On her

He drank water out of my palms

And in return

Drowned me in his