This pallet reeks of contempt:
my diet consists of bitter pills,
but none so extensively potent.

My ego's no skin and entirely bone.
Chuck a Band-Aid into a gaping hole.
Attention's more 'quick fix' than antidote.

Is there pity for the pathetic?
Pat a love-starved girl on the back.
It's a sight, this bleary-eyed toddler
tugging on the sleeves of your guilt.

"Please tell me I'm worth your time!
Please tell me you care!!
Oh, please give me a second glance
if you've got one to spare!!!"
solar 3d
The waves take me whole, they have not feasted in so long they did not mind the bitter heartache I was carrying.

I am lost, in the heart of the ocean, and I ponder where does she harbour her heartache? Does she ever feel for the coral reefs, and the millions of species that get brutally taken away, or does she lay there and take fate as her cure?

My beloved Pacifica, I give you my heart and I beg you to take me whole. To carry my emotions is as if I’m carrying the tides of all your generations, and my body is so insignificant in comparison to your azure wonder. I am dissipating, within the wrath of my soul, and I reek of constant betrayal and failed promises.

So I ask the universe to let me go, perhaps there is no hell and heaven, perhaps there is no afterlife. Perhaps the ones that suffer just head towards an infinity where nothing exists, and somehow the thought of that eases my pain.
BPD can be hell.
There is only one letter
from feeling lovely-
and lonely.
I have a very close friend who has this. She talks about it to me and it sounds like hell. You all are so strong. I love you all. Be gentle with yourselves.

To people with friends with BPD. Tell them you love them. Be patient, understanding. They are NEVER overreacting.
Ellie Grace Jul 9
Moods changing like the tide
constant but somewhat unpredictable
I used to revel in the highs
yet now they scare me
The person I become is impulsive and untamed
everything I loathe
It is hard to understand and explain
but in those moments, I do not feel in control
And that terrifies me
Words flow from my tongue like water from a tap
Unfiltered and constant
Mind connected directly to mouth
Uttering secrets that were never meant to see the light of day
Revealing parts of me that were not ready to be uncovered
Leaving me feeling so very vulnerable
My insecurities on display for the entire world to see
Pagan Paul Jun 28
The pained and broken often say
that the answers lay in the dark.
Amongst the old shattered pieces
each little torture leaves its mark.

Each scar born holds a sad story
containing fragments of feeling.
Therein lays the whole of truth
and the first spark of a healing.

So what of the shining light
that is supposed to show the way.
All the answers lay in the dark,
so the pained and broken say.

© Pagan Paul (28/06/18)
Exploring some of the aspects of depression to try
to understand my own BPD and depression better.
I love when I'm told to think of how my actions affect others.

I love when you ignore my depression.

I love when you ignore my OCD.

I love when you ignore my "Sociopathic Tendencies".

I love when you ignore my BPD.

I love it when you take your personal problems and make them mine.
I hate my life lmao.
Ellie Grace Jun 22
This blood is unable to be washed away
forever staining my hands
working its way into every crevice,
under every nail
red contrasting with translucent skin

I cannot scrub away this pain
these scars will not disappear
like tattoos inked onto skin
each jagged line
forever reminding me of what
this broken mind is capable of
jai Jun 21
aside from shame, i think fear is the worst feeling there is
it’s one of the ones that physically affects you
it causes intense pounding in the chest, but not from your heart beating
no it more like someone banging on the inside your chest cavity as if it’s filling up with water and they’re drowning
it makes you weak at the knees, and fingertips
your whole body is jumbled with muscle jerks and trembles
and my gosh
your mind
imagine being stabbed in the skull in eight different spots all at once
over and over and over
and you go mute
unable to express any of this outwardly
you just look odd
but your body is in flight or fight mode
and you’re just choosing to sit
and that’s what you do
you sit in it
let it eat you up in every way
terrified out of your fucking mind
i have severe abandonment issues
my boyfriend took my car this night, and had gotten lost with no way to contact me
every other possible scenario had run thru my mind during the 5 hours he was lost
jai Jun 21
i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?

yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.
we all have those things
those things that just take us back and remind us of a time we would much rather not be reminded of
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