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Troy 2d
You know it surprises me
How little we think about it
When we are happy
It seems natural

But in reality
We as humans
Aren’t a happy species
But a sad one

We cling to others
It drives away the loneliness
It drives away the sadness
It drives away the fear

But when we lose that one person
That can make all the darkness
Just disappear into thin air
We regress to our nature state

It haunts us subconsciously
We don’t think about it til it’s too late
And once it happens we fight to fix it
And sometimes it can’t be fixed

Sometimes things break too much
And no amount of time will fix it
And then the darkness sets in
Causing us to fall father into despair

The self doubt sets in
And it only gets worse from there
Doubt turns to hatred
And it turns into a never ending battle

Some are able to overcome it
Some are not able to
And it’s the ones who can’t overcome
That you should worry about the most

The darkness has set root in their hearts
So deep that it’s almost ingrained
It becomes a part of them
And they will never be the same

Some don’t make it
Others do
But don’t leave them alone for too long
Cause loneliness is when it’s the worst

Their minds race with so many thoughts
Voices screaming and yelling
That they’ll always be alone
Or much much worse

This is currently where I stand
On the edge of abyss
I have a person I like
That makes the darkness run away

They come around
From time to time
But when they are away
I feel completely alone

When they are around
I feel like I can be happy again
And when I’m with them I am
Like I can take on the world

But when I’m alone
It’s a different story
I feel lost and abandoned
Feeling like no one actually cares

And to be honest
I think they are the only one
Who actually understands
The darkness of my mind

I’m not a smiley person
Nor am I a people person
But when I’m around them
I smile and socialize

They make me feel safe
Like I can trust them with anything
And they won’t judge me for it
I don’t feel like I need a mask

I like being their friend
But I want something more
Something deeper in connection
But I don’t think they feel the same

I don’t want to be lost forever
I don’t want to have a lonely existence
I want to feel safe with them by my side
For the rest of our lives

I just don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to start
Or where it will end up
All I know is I can’t do life without them
Noah 5d
i always find

why am i always

as if i have to justify
each little thought
any brief phrase
the slightest movement

in anticipation of being
i answer what they were
never even going to ask

am i really so used
to everyone not believing
me? that explanation
has become an impulse
that is impossible to deny

the terror of who-knows-what
creeps up my left arm until it's
weighed down by lead

it seeps into my blood and my brain
poisoning me now
communication doesn't work and then
communication doesn't work

it soaks into my bones
never letting me forget these habits i've learned
years later remembering to leech out just enough
of the remaining toxin
to keep me stuck in my old ways

Lo May 20
[...] and the greater the wound the greater the fang. And, when we experience trauma that is given to us by so many people, we find that we have become every one of them at once. In my body I hold every trauma. In my eye is all of theirs. In the eyes of God, I am an abomination.
elle jaxsun May 7
i already miss flying
high above myself,
unaware of every ****
i should maybe be giving.

healing is hurting.
healing is hurting.

i plant flowers in my
wounds instead,
fully aware—I feel them
grow from me
& bloom.

painful, beautiful.

and so powerful.

I used to find power in
rejecting &
subjecting myself.

healing is hurting.
healing is hurting.

hurt people hurt people.
but healed people heal people.
and maybe sometimes they’re
the same person.
You’ll never know what’s going on inside my brain
I’m not that girl anymore
Who writes poems from the inside to match new scars on the outside
And you’re lucky
You’ll never wake up to a new post about my ****-ups
Or get a call begging you to stop them from happening
I’m not that girl anymore
I wasted that on the wrong person
I gave up
And you’re lucky
April 19, 2021
Delyla Nunez Apr 11
It’s a mask to put over my head.
It’s the alcohol consumed to numb the mind.
It’s acting as if I’m okay because nobody cares.
Letting go of everything that I need to keep me going is gone,
Everything I did for myself slipped down the drain.
I worked so hard.
I fought for so long.
I tried for everything.

Why am I still the let down,
Even when I communicate.
My depression has gotten worse. I’m sorry.
My mom says,

"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"

Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.

I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "

I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."

I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.

I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.

I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.

I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.

Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.

"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"

Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.

I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.

Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.

Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.

I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.

I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.

I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
alessandra Apr 9
I didn't realize that I had missed the rabbits so
til I nearly stumbled over one in the dark and dew

impossibly still and also bounding with movement, vibrating
a tenacious anxiety reflected back to me in more than one
lost, drunken, exasperated moment
memories inevitably left in backseats and waterlogged journals
the thorny irony of holding fervently what this life means to me
and for me
knowing I've forgotten nearly most of it
to trauma
and to time

why would I tuck away the times I've made myself the image of my parents?
why cherish and return to the slur of dysfunction and imbalance
why build myself on the moments I broke upon

each falter is palmed inside me
slick and pressed with dust
the life of every love and bond
I can't release
for fear that I will sink into the sky
for fear that I've only ever been a reflection
is it empathy? maybe it's a pervasive fear of abandonment
as you cannot leave me if you need me
as you cannot fear me if you trust me
as you cannot without me
and I, you
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