I’m a rainy day parade.
A parade that was rained on
but decided to play anyway.

Neither the rain nor the parade is a charade.
Rather, the rain is Kool-Aid and the parade is a wall
of a bar.
I’m on the other side looking far



too






gone.
I sob and blub between a racket of thunder and brass.
Every emotion I feel
feels crass.

Alas, are these drops tears or rain?
My life is a metaphor for itself.
Is that irony or plain?
Maybe they were drops of Kool-Aid.

I love when I feel happy
It comes around constantly
More often that it may seem

When they see my face
They feel a cold embrace
When in actuality
I welcome all emotions equally

Its usually just my fear
That causes how I may appear
Like a spider or a bee
I fear you much more than you do me  

And if you were to hear me speak
You'd find no tongue and cheek
I offer my olive branches
Quiet earnestly

And even though I may hibernate
And my fear eventually
takes over me
I always in the end
Feel the burning under my skin

I love in bursts
Its violent
And it can hurt
But I love
I love I love I love

I love being happy
So happy I bounce off the walls
Off of you
Off of the mountains
Until it echos  

I love being sloppy in my joy
I love leaving a mess
I love when it's overjoy
And I love the overkill

I love being so happy
It runs out completely
And the car in my heart sputters
And stops in the middle of the road

I love walking to the next gas station
With my shoes in my hand
Feeling exhausted
Like I could never love again

But nevertheless
I always seem to find
The next station
And I refuel
And I can go again

that feeling.
you know the one.
all emotion is drained of your body and all worth is ****** away.
When you're so numb you can't be real, yet you feel every little thing that grazes your skin.
you feel tired, yet so overwhelmed and awake
and it hurts.
you cant escape
and it hurts.
that feeling of overwhelming upsetting forgetting and regretting.
your mind isnt your own, yet your body is undeniably so.
you cant even decode your own thoughts, for the mess they spew out is only to be just that, a mess.
your words come out as delirium, your heart racing and genuinely not functioning
everything
everywhere all at once.
like you have no mouth, yet must scream
have no control
incessantly and unequivocally continuous
that visceral, inexplicable feeling remaining, restraining
not just disorder, complete discord, chaos, absolute anarchy
inside the mind
and again this body remained still.

you couldn't possibly imagine could you?
of course not.

tn we are thinking abt your new gf and how, unbeknownst to me, you were already dating when i called you the night i got stood up by someone else
(i wouldn’t have called if i knew)

and how i called from a blocked number but you answered and you answered half asleep, “savannah?”
how did you know it was me?

we are also thinking about how we spent last Christmas together but it ended with us crying in each others arms because you dont want to try again and how , according to you, either way you can’t be with anyone right now even if you wanted to

and how throughout those three days, you were getting texts from her but assured me it was platonic. why did you feel the need to assure me ?

tn we are thinking about how this is the first girl you made a playlist for that doesn’t have any songs you dedicated to me first (like the last two did)

and tn i am trying to remind myself that “someone who will always come back is someone who will always leave”

A third of you want to
Play pretend, like Barbie and Ken.
Americas a dream house in a
Dreamland.

As if we aren’t all feeling the
Same fires or drowning in
the same
Waters.

We need you to
Pay attention too.
Ignorance may seem like
Bliss for now

A third of you want to
Stay uninformed
Negligence is a nod
To the oppressor to
Go on and push through

A third of you will see a
Third of us dead on the
Streets and try to weep.

My mind races, im lost in this funk,
Bitterness lingers, rough on my tongue.
Dry mouth, dry eyes
Look as long as you want,
You’ll never see me out of my shell.
Darkness surrounds, stay trapped in my head,
Stuck with my thoughts, my demons, and my dread.
Never felt so wrong, truth hits hard,
Miscalculations leaving me scarred.
Lock them out, keep them away,
Rid yourself of me as a problem, or hell’s dogs will play.