today is blue
today is orange
today is split
between now and yesterday

gray does not float in this sea
it does not breathe
with pants of flowers or trees

these shades bleed in their
monochromatic screams
with their iridescent dreams
they claw to their surfaces with
no hope, no leads
following their feet as they drag along
in their evergreens

the colors do not mix. the colors do not mourn.

my nasty beast will rear it's head but refuses treatment.

xoxo

date a girl whose true form you have never seen
she walks into your room and sheds her skin like
it is an old winter jacket that she is tired of
she's gonna find warmth in your bed and your arms

date a girl who you won't recognise in public
she talks to another pretty face and her skin ripples,
transforms into something out of place, her eyes
her smile, her hands change and move in new ways

date a girl who calls her mother from the other room
her voice sounds octaves deeper through the wall
that your ear is pressed up against, is it the wall?
or is this all not quite adding up to you yet?

date a girl who is a ball of pure white-hot energy
her skin her hair her eyes her lips all change colour
every time she falls in love and she falls in love a lot
she can be everything everyone ever wanted, all at once

date a girl who isn't yours and was never yours and will never be
yours. date a girl who is everyone's and no ones and no one
at all. date a girl who loves you and you love her but
sometimes you're not you and she?

well.
she isn't quite herself sometimes

Alyalyna Dec 6

The name of the poem (s0 called): Kid with a borderline personality disorder needs some help or “bye bye” then

Sometimes it’s hard to be me
Feels like I lose my identity
And I’m fighting with my own self
Sometimes to death

And it seems like eternity
I say I mean it, indeed
This is a real struggle of me and me and
Not many people seem to understand

When I say
Sometimes I’m straight
Sometimes I’m gay
Grandma says what she’s supposed to say

“I never heard someone say
When I was at your age”
But honestly I’ve never been engaged
At times I feel I need to be fixed
My papa’s sure I need some kicks
On my ass
No more no less…

Talks to my dearest mom lead
To “You need to find a job, kid”
“Boy, what’s wrong with this
This is simply how the life is”

Sometimes I feel like I am someone else
Start making up, painting my nails
Sometimes I feel like I am a complete mess
Look up at the ceiling, lying on a bare mattress

Crying my eyes out
Longing the whole world to be dead
Shout out loud
All of my hatred

And then again:

A rollercoaster of my mood gets down
I ask myself who I am
The answer comes and makes me frown
In this big world I’m on my own…
On my own
All alone

Chloe Dec 5

I am a monster created by the thoughts in my own head.
I will make you feel like you are the most important person in the world,
Then in the same breath I will make you feel like you are worthless.
I will tell you all of the things that make you beautiful and then point out all of your flaws.
I will take up all of your attention,
and then I will threaten to kill myself if you decide to leave.
I will love and cherish you,
I will hate and despise your existence.
I will do something wrong and pretend I am the victim when you confront me about it.
I will take everything you have,
And I will leave you when your world crumbles.
Because I am not the victim.
I am the abuser.

A poem about the stereotype around people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I just got out of a long term relationship and I have realized that I have shown a lot of abusive characteristics and it saddens me that my partner put up with it for all of these years. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

summer quietly creaks open the back door
slips from beneath your skin records shattering
as you stare down from the attic, questioning
everything. it's gone before you can remember
what warmth even is
sadness warps
an old yellow novel you used to love
holding it close as it twists and moans
rip the best chapter out because
it belongs to you

a bunch of feels in my heart u feel me

A sharp chill seeping into my bones
Awakening the energy and power
That have laid dormant for decades
A sign that I am beginning to change
Becoming something different
Something better than this
A higher being of a kind
Of those that rest above the rest
On uncharted territory
Those placid silent doorways
Opening up to hidden dimensions
Parallel universes where all is perfect
My passion spills into rays of hope
Like the sun's warm glow
Reaching out to touch each of it's children
The tormented cries in my head not theirs
But my souls desire to return to it's home
Not the place etched in my ID card
But the motherland and source of all life
A place so sacred we had to leave behind
Hiding away it's immense strength and power
From the destruction mankind bring
Slung over their shoulders like an arrow
Their shields made of hatred and anger
The energy surges through me
Like a blazing forest fire
Melting away globues of fats
Layers of charred skin and flesh
The whole nauseating charade of disguise
I am becoming immortal

Tis the season to be dying
Not too jolly are the lines I'm writing
The hymns mimic my weeping soul
A tune strung with a broken bow

Frail lullabies drenched in sorrow
Wilting with the fading greens
We inhale clouds of dusty air
Cold and fragile as my spine

Tingling numbness in my heart
Like frost bites from within
The finale of an orchestra
An epilogue of sorts

Wintry hails in my disturbed mind
Raining like misfired bullets
From a shoddy gun
Burning letters into my hands

The poetry I craft not pretty
Lacking tales of sugarcoated reality
Mostly tart and somewhat edgy
Infused with truth and too much realitys

On nights that sleep won't come
Even when we call it's name
Singing it's praise in our prayers
Begging like basking street performers
Desperate as a drenched sparrow

Caught in a rain of my own
Trickling dark red drops of mildew
Down my weary shoulders
Cradling my sallow face
Clouding my blurred vision

These nights hang low like dampened skies
Hollow storms filled with empty thunders
Draughts wearing a wet cloak
Pretending to be an upcoming rain
Steered by gales of Arctic wind

Piercing through my decrepit bones
Dropping pins and needles under my skin
The pain coursing through my veins
As bright as the paint staining my fingertips
Dripping destitute and distraught

Devastating images drowned my mind
In visions of broken vessels
Sunken ships and battered corpses
Wearing broken sails like a second skin
Boiling blood that has turned cold
As waters of the Antarctic ocean

Do you love me the way I am
Do you love me for me
Or do you only love me when I'm tamed
Like a beast in hibernation

Are we only ever going to live like this
The light in my eyes no longer shinning
Feelings becoming blunt
Diluted by all those medications

Do you not miss the times
When our love was a wildfire
We burned everything in our way
Our flames never faltered

Going to the beach unprepared
We still stripped off our clothes
Throwing ourselves out into the sea
Free as a eagle soaring through the skies

Holding hands and shivering
In wet clothes and soaking undergarments
We burnt stronger than the cold
As we board the train home together

That was the beauty in love
The true beauty of life
That pack of restraint
The freedom of insanity

I'm not trying to disappoint you
Just choosing to be freed
Like a bird can't fly with twigs in it's wings
I will burn as bright as yesterday

Once upon a time
When you were out drinking away,
Minutes of your life;
I was up in the horizon
In the skies where all hate disperses,
Dreaming of paradise
In the soft glow of candles,
Blown on a birthday.
Celebrated by one
When everyone is gone,
The cake half it's size
While I am too full and half gone.
I watched a girl
In the mirror,
Singing a birthday song for me.

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