I was born in a house
And it wasn't a home
and my takehome from that
Is that inside of my bones

I am bad, I am needy
not enough for this
Gotta work to be loved
Even a little bit

But mixed messages come
From all over the place
It confuses my mind
When I get into states

When a friend starts to say
Something nice about me
It just hurts that deep down
That they mean what they see

I wish I saw it earlier
The goodness in me
and it hurts I've had to
Crawl down on my knees

Through the dirt and the *******
That nobody wants
To a pothole in London
written in different fonts

And there's tourists around
They're amazed at my skin
But when i moved up north
they found me sickening

Throwing rocks at me
while I walk to school
i want to succeed
so I don't see you

So I'm ***** I think
Should be ashamed of my skin
didn't think my colour mattered
Nothing's changed I think

But when I met you
you'd been in my skin
I felt so understood
In everything

and when you just left
Couldn't handle my honesty
Honestly sorry
couldn't keep it all in me

And then there is family
Or whatever's left of it
Half of me urbanised
Half of me ethnic

All these expectations
You're placing on me
Then after all that talk
You tell me I'm free?

It's *******
I know you wouldnt ever forgive me
If I threw away my intellect
Just to see the sea

Just to paint the waves
Just to see my friends
It isn't your fault
You're only 18 when

You're meant to decide
What to do with your life
but what if all my decisions
Are just socialised

I'm going by norms
I'm following trends
Don't want to be a sheep
or be mindless again

So right back to uni
I don't want to scare you
When I love it I love it
And when I'm angry
I'm fearful

**** fear let's talk love
He opened my heart
While I cut up dead bodies
In anatomy class

And when we broke up
I felt so **** useless
Who would want this body
When it's so **** fruitless

Then the dating apps differ
I'm swiping past lives
How can I judge someone
With only my eyes?

How is it so easy
To just **** a stranger?
Am I being healthy?
Or am I in danger?

How can I be rejected
In daily persuits
while simultaneously
Be chased by boys
who'd **** anything too

don't get me wrong it's fun
But sometimes it feels wrong
I was raised to wait till marriage
Before you get to that song

But I am my own person
I am not my past
I am not my future
I can't ******* be arsed

To listen to you
I'll be who I am
it's hard to stop listening
Not most people can

Genial

Genial
Yet crucifyingly lying

In between
dusk's
murky conundrums

Stranger profile visages

of Him

Oh,

The Inventor.!!
  
     That miighty explorer
On

    The
Telepathy

Path

Me terrified, petrified,
Subordinatedly in Awe
Of this
Mysterious Phenomenon

Communicating


The favorite Order to Obey:
"" Beware!!

Write haiku
PerDay!!!

Every
  A Day!!!

And Also
Do This to-mo-rrow

You'll be perserved and saved from

Extinction - - Then and Only

Then!!! "



Aion, spleen and Ideals

The play of statically coiled
Apendixes

Tiny
Apprentices
Inthe line
Shaddyfigures

Underneath it all

I will never be the girl next door
I’ll never be skinny enough to hold
I’ll never be pretty
I’ll always be me
Disgusting.Fat.Worthless.Broken.Rapeable.
Even if that means I feel **** everyday
Even if that means every time I look in the ******* mirror I hate the girl I see....she’s so ******* fat and ****, why would she even continue to breathe...
Abortionate my reality-please someone **** me
Even if it means I tear apart every photograph of me...please not today I’m so ******* ****
Even if it means I’m suicidal all the time...self harm on the daily bludgeon list
I have scars on my legs and arms
Words cut so deep
I almost got fired and cut “FU”-didn’t get to ****-but it didn’t hurt this time
Even if it means I can’t shower everyday...scared of astral things (***....scary)
Even if it means I’m scared to be a human being...mental hospital days (psychotropic to say the least)
Even if it means I’ll never be a **** beautiful thing....I’ll always see an **** beast (please don’t make me a meme) or if you do don’t show me...
But
You know what....
I’m okay enough for me
I’m no model
I’m not grade A-100%-pretty
I’m no GMO-plastic surgery-witch
I’m organic
I’m ‘the eat what you want and do you’ *****
I’ll make you laugh till you cry-
and cry till you sweat
Remember I try to tell no lies
I want a nerf gun fight
Wrestmania for life
Battle buddy
I want a gym partner who doesn’t make me feel **** for trying-going-or failing
I thought Failure was a part of life
To know-
I’m scared you’ll hold my hand
I’m scared if someone ***** with me you’ll yell at them-or try to kick there *** (**** we both would)
I’m scared that I think I’m really in love
Why
I always said **** getting married-**** children-**** that hypocrisy
Now I am the most jaded hypocritical being-
in love wanting to be your wife and future mother-
imagining our kids nestled up by a fire is reading them stories of times that they can aspire to be superhero’s or anything the want to be
We’ll tell them with love and kindness-you can accomplish anything-
I was in a school for teachers education-I want my life back
I almost have an associates degree in.....psychology.....irony.......it’s so funny.....so what do you have ‘honey’?
I couldn’t even finish that semester I had to drop out-I was scared of the finals-public lesson of how I would run my educational plan-speech now-gased out-cashout-god maxed out
Money? Hahaha...
You act like I can’t earn anything
I make 14 an hour when minimum wage is 8.75 I think
Ugh
Think  
And I need you
Nope (Lesley Knope)
**** ***** boi
You needed me
Why the **** do you think you can mess with me
******* *******-**** boy-McFlurry
But I loved you
If you’re hungry I’ll make sure you have something to eat every night (French fries over guys)
I’m more like your mom, ew right, not a hot piece of *** to hold and grab everynight
Still
I want that 60 shades of grey kind of boudoir night-everynight
I’ll make you laugh again
I can’t even pretend
I could’ve seen us together conquering the world
Instead you ****** a bevy of girls
People I could never even hope to be
You showed me ways I which I’ll never be pretty
I hope you know Im happy for you
Despite what you’ve put me through
Please I hope you do get married too
Really
Don’t feel bad for me
I’m suicidal it ***** but that’s life “dumpling”
Can’t always be pretty
But part of my feelings is really from your lack of love not trust
Can’t blame you though-
I just wasn’t enough
I thought you’d always wait for me
I thought being overweight meant nothing
Even if you needed to meet some of your own personal needs when I wasn’t ready
Grossly justifying things prolixs my reality
I guess I never be enough ****-pretty-skinny for you to notice me
Even makeup makes me regret trying
I always feel like my true face is hiding
I’ll never be the girl I see when I wear nice things
-fake ****-fake **** girl ***** ****-
Lol thoughts of self digression towards me when I wear those things...
I wish I could honestly be a *** and walk out in lingerie everyday
A teddy to caress me-maybe-people would notice my lovely body
Look at me the way I see me
Beautiful to say the least
I love my body positivity
Self love over internal hate equates gains
Im no potato but someone ****?
Why is being overweight a bad thing
I fell criminally insane not clinically
Like **** I like mundanity
Mundanity over boogie *** reality
I wear clothes not outfits
I shop in places you wouldn’t even walk in
Macklemore-thrift shop-popping
My style exists to alienate you
Make you feel guilty instead of me for not being able to feel waxed out and pretty...ugh petty
A thousands lies on that babydoll canvas
Airbrush-photoshop perfection
Paint pro came to life
Photoshopped out of all of time
If I **** myself tonight-just know
I loved you every single night
The pain is heavier than any load I would even want to bear
The thought that you’re her cuddle bear-
Hers
If I was a bear-no-I’m a wolf
I’ll howl under the moon and stand alone
Alone was always enough
Godsmack
Under attack
The love I thought you had for me went cold
Snow-scar tissue-no one to know
I just glad no one knows
Rumors spread like wildfire
Astral projection isn’t a wide set knowledge
OSHA-Workers rights-safety first
I’ll never be a skinny model girl or anything remotely aesthetically pleasing
I’m just a Rollie Pollie
A Black-Beatle in the wind
A blackbird singing
“Let’s just be friends”
I want to lift weights-be strong-protect me
Instead
I want to be a muscle builder
I want to kickass
Instead  
I want to be my own security team
No one will **** with or talk **** to me
I’m 5.9 who’s going to **** with big ***** me
Instead
I am so scared
I want to go on walks without being scared
I wish you were here
My best friend
But her
She’s so pretty too-model for Levi-you- I’m like **** I feel so lucky-happy-for you
God must love you
She’s your blue moon-She’s your sunshine-Your midnight blues-She made you pretty in pink
Something I wanted but could never do
I just wish you chose me
I wish I wasn’t so ****
I wish you liked me
Why
Why not me
What’s wrong with me
Insecurity, maybe
Maybe if I was like her you’d want me
Maybe if I was skinny I’d be good enough
Maybe
Maybe if I was a model I’d be good enough that you would call me “slim shaddy”
I just hate the word “baby”
Maybe I’m just insecure
Maybe
Insecurity getting the best of me today
I really need some good *** ****
**** was always there for me
Unlike you, Mary Jane never judged or condemned me
She was a friend-everything
Flower power
**** I’m really actually super funny
Like kevin hart mixed with tyler perry meets vitalyzed tv (YouTube it sweety)
I make myself laugh till I cry-****-***** lol mentally only though -jk-I’m not ashamed to say I might throw up all over you one day
Hey don’t be mad it’s all a part of the game
I just don’t understand why you said you didn’t care about:
The way I looked
The way I smelled
The way I brush my hair
Or
The way I just don’t care
But you still didn’t love me
I still wasn’t pretty
You are petty
If I’m not good enough please marry her
Courthouse romance
What Happened to woeing her with your pretty voice-piano skills-dance moves-
Piano man
Have a destination wedding-
I hear St. Bart’s might be ready
I hope you have a honeymoon
That night I’ll finally forget you
Leave me alone-stop telling me you-just DONT
I don’t want to subscribe to your show anymore
One theatrical performance and you stared the whole show
Norbit plays when I want watch Bruno
Sasha Baron Cohen is my hero
Tosh.o-Comedy Central ***
***** swinging like branches in trees-and I’m the only one brave enough to climb this thing
I’m an opening act-a headliner-
Rocket man or Ninja Warrior
This is my story of how you broke a broken heart-
sawed it in half-
Broken apart-
Not even for a magic trick like you said-but for your own ****** selfishness
You stole my youth my only car
18-22-?
Put up for auction
Sold my stock
For what
Your ‘one’ true love
Her
You always said I was enough
Now I know that I am truly not
Now I know “in god” I’ll never trust
I even moved on and met some new guys
Guys who made me forget about the way you made me smile
Guys who loved me for me
I was happy without you by my side
But you came back with more wicked lies
Why
Why?!?
I wish I would’ve ****** that masterrdapper guy he wanted to **** and get stupid high-
I wish I would’ve ****** Christian and all his friends on his boat, or when his mom wasn’t home, in his smoke/fishing room-yes I really am that big of a *** *** ****
Like 3 nah 7 ***** in my face who am I to blame
Pornhub made me this way-**** of a century
******* for thinking I saved my virginity for you though
I don’t want your STDs you ******* AIDS giving trifling ***
Did I just take it to far with that, Hmmm I don’t know
If I was a **** like you- I would’ve ****** someone else better too
But no-
I’m stupid-
I still want you-
Only you-
You
**** me
Who knew
You already had when you left with her
Instead
I’m not a ****** anymore (am I?)
You made sure I was no longer innocent anymore
Why would you keep coming back for more?
Love me
Hate me
But you still loved her
More
I bet that’s why your exes keep coming back for more
You lead them on and they think it was something more
You ******* *****
You wanted ***
***** wagon-*******-Heart Attack
***
Duece Bigalow
Gigalow of a life time
I just want harry styles in my life  
Are those the signs of my times
Let you go and move on with my life
One direction
Sounds like life
**** this I’m tired of trying
Goodbye

Respite my dogs- RIP my hoes- Rest In Peace big Arron

"... sent you a message"
"... tag you in a post"
"... sent you a direct message"
"... mentioned you on twitter"
"... tag you in a picture"

Those notifications were the best to receive
knowing that you were thinking of me when you came across something
Knowing that you'd text me without me texting you first

I'd do the same thing too
Because you're always on my mind

But now with you gone,
My notifications are empty
And I can no longer send you posts that reminds me of you.

Maybe I'm right
Maybe I'm wrong
I hear multiple messages
From where I belong

Am I belong there?  
Am I belong to shell ?
Am I strong enough?
To jump over hell?

Multiple messages
Combining worst and best
Multiple messages
They say me to not rest
Multiple messages
And I'm driving crazy
Multiple messages
I'm movelless however it is easy

Maybe I'm right
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I should
Maybe It's too long

Now I realised
My messages are  the same
Now I watch it from behind
There are stickers everywhere

On every thing in universe
The stickers Say
Experience

young souls having
innocent conversations.
meeting due to random chance
some odd years ago.

i've always felt there was
something mysterious to us meeting.
an interesting circumstance,
a rare occurrence.

a joke here,
some flirting there.
never expected anything
to lead to this.

a moment in time,
shaky hands typing.
deep breaths,
in and out.

a message is sent
and my hopes rise.
all fear leaves, when you reveal
you have the same feelings inside.

some time has passed,
changes have happened.
some for the worst,
some for the best.

regardless of what's happened,
we've been together.
guess you can say
we stand the test.

i know i've grown
by your side.
and i hope
you have too.

you saved me from
the darkest form of myself.
and i know i've done
the same to you.

don't think too much
about the past, though.
instead, let's look forward
together.

i have a good feeling
about everything.
and i'm incredibly happy
to have you by my side.

long story short,
here's to a year.
you have my heart,
and i love you, dear.

and when your name appears in the notification bar of my phone,
my face shines brighter than the screen of my phone