When pain becomes too great
That pain swallows you whole
Your only scapegoat to blame
Is own forsaken soul

Your mechanism for sleep
Is poisoning your lungs
Be freed of shadows following your feet
All responsibilities and past what you want

When finally you have to fight your fears
In your struggle miss my face
Stay the hell away from here
Complain to heart you didn't break

Dear heart,

Why is it taking so long to heal?
How come pain is the only emotion you feel?
Deeply yearn to feel whole once more
Happy like I was before
I write my issues to soothe my stress
But it doesn't matter how much I confess
Person after person waltzes into my life
Then with no warning cuts our tether with a knife
While I watch frozen as if in a trance
Fed up with those who don't bother to give me a chance
I am dedicated and gentle towards who I care about the most
Yet cannot prove it because no one dares to get close
Of course know everything happens for a reason
But ponder what it is as I wait season after season
I am grateful you are still here despite being shattered
Taken many beatings that have left you bruised and battered
I try to find something to replace the emptiness inside of you
But that's the type of thing that is easier to say than do
And every time I am tempted to kiss remaining hope goodbye
Your stubborn voice reminds to give it one more try
I admit that sometimes I wish you would stop speaking
But despite my requests you carry on beating
On the wings of hope my negativity lifts
The rhythm you keep in time surely shifts
From a suffering slow thump
Feeble and weak
To an even-paced pound proving impressive technique
Allowing love to enter as you open up wide
Warming my being completely inside
Pain and sorrow still inhabit my soul
But I sense they are beginning to relinquish control
Life has a lot of good to balance out the bad
You are helping me see that I can overcome what makes me sad
Every small blessing you bring to my attention
Miracles that before were beyond comprehension
So this is to say thank you for opening my eyes so I can see
The beauty that surrounded all along
I'm forever grateful heart

Love,
Me

I strive to suffer in silence
Determined to hide pain
This charade is exhausting
Driving me insane

I do not want you to know how much I care
I long to hold you close
I keep a safe proximity
Acting as if you were a ghost

You swear you want to see me
You only want to come home
If that were true you would be here
Was your choice to roam

I bite back words I wish I could say
You are the reason why I breathe
If I was honest about my feelings
Weakness would be clear to see

It was clinginess that initially drove you away
Now that your interest has returned
Must be cautious not to seem too eager
Or else heart again will be burned

I do not know why your lies taste sweet
None of them are real
Guess I'm too in love to control my desire
Or change attraction I feel

Over and over you destroy emotions
As if relationship is a game
Hate myself for tolerating damage
Unconditional love staying the same

I have to draw line somewhere
How much manipulation do you expect me to take?
If you loved me like promising you do
Instead of harm you would try to heal my ache

If this is at all possible
Take time out of day to appreciate the little things

A little gratitude goes a very long way

Reason to celebrate can be found
In the ******* situations

I know life is difficult
It is not impossible

Do not know what the future has in store but the one thing I can always foresee is laughter

Is this a premonition?

I have wasted an eternity
Figuring a way to change my heart
Now I see that all I needed
Was you to keep me from ripping apart

If I counted the healing ways
You hold me together better than glue
I think you would be surprised to find
It is a lot more than just a few

Day after day you patch the holes
Sew the tears in my heart and my mind
With your love I stay alive and well
You are just the healthy choice I've been hoping to find

I wish there were ways to heal
Struggling to close cuts
Without stitches to tie skin together
Won't let a single one shut
Without glue to stick
Doesn't matter what words you say
Wanting won't make up to me
Top of head is turning grey
Feeling as if I'm not in control
Forced to look ahead
Doctor would diagnose depression
But I'm determined to not exit my bed
Without somebody saying they love me
Line easier to cross
Believing that I want to die
Apathy being my pushy boss
Charger crouches on table unused
The reason I don't have a phone
Best friends have all abandoned me
I truly am all alone

I kept the promises you broke
In the back pocket of my jeans
And swept the sweetest words you spoke
Into the corners of my dreams
Buried in my skin like splinters are pieces of what we had
Hopes tucked away in my heart
Future plans we made too
Memories pace my mind making me sad
Because all I have left are traces of you

Think I understand more than you give me credit for
Faces constantly changing, where is the one I adore?
Hands and heart try to hold you in the same place
Make you warm again, your fire I cannot replace
Hunger you selfishly follow around
Has you chasing heated urges, areas unfound
Hear you talk but never speak
The shivers say unspoken needs so weak
I love when you need my protection
You hate it, build a wall to guard imperfection
Abruptly attempting to cover up flaws
Our bodies fail, your effort has earned applause
It is too early to end the show you started
But beauty can be discovered in what's departed
I'd attempt one last time to say farewell if I were you
In cold weather lose words to feelings so blue
Locked in the past by mistakes you keep making
They've added up, now you're broken, aching
Time will repair, but can never rewind
Find strength to leave beloved memories behind
Your body may be a ****** battleground
Don't have to hide it when it's just me around
Wonder if you hide from my sight or your own
I dream of glimpsing the guilt and shame unknown
We both harbor a large reserve of regrets
Not totally hating eachother as good as it gets
Which one of us will come to our senses first?
I gave you my best, you treated me the worst
Like many others have done
You made me cry, used me for your fun
The thought of letting you do it again
Makes my blood cold as I write with my pen
Frozen, alone, you haven't moved, you won't try
Still in the exact spot I left you in, explain why
Leaving embarrassing defeats behind in the past
Is your only hope for a change that will last
Underneath layers of denial lurks hidden sin
Evidence laid out like a map on your skin
I offer a different path but you decline
On a bed of risky routine you'd rather recline
Perfect lips yet your words don't sound right anymore
Try to shut my ears but some itches I can't ignore
Vivid colors surrounding are not as vibrant now
My heart still hopes we'll end up together somehow
Each moment without our souls intertwined
Has been nothing but dark, your absence leaves me blind
Pain touches each and every emotion I feel
Beginning to realize some injuries don't heal
My heart cut open, love bleeding out
Want to believe, instead filled with doubt
The longer we linger, drag this on
Worse it will feel when we realize it's gone
I'm chasing laughter, stalked by fear
Running after closeness that no longer lives here
All the wrongs you hid so desperately from me
Too late to reverse and do things differently
Shut me out of your life when the only thing I ever wanted
Was to be next to you facing demons you alone confronted.

Where there is mistletoe and twinkling lights
There are also memories of me and you
It kills me to know that I'll be spending
Christmas this year alone and blue

Life had not been so kind to me
Since harsh Winter decided to come around
Kicked me out of your life and then
Scattered our love over the ground

We do not talk very much anymore
Seems like you're happier now
Without my sour attitude
To hold back and keep you down

Everyone is critically whispering about
How long it is taking me to move on
I don't care because they don't know
The way it feels to be consumed by a presence long gone

Holiday cheer is in the air
Yet a scowl adorns my pale face
Too haunted by ghosts of the present and past
Too many memories time can't erase

To enjoy the decorated trees
Or the music falling on my ears
It seems like my disdain for Santa
Only strengthens through the years

Don't wish me a Merry Christmas
Because it's going to be anything but
The irony is too much for me to take
I'd rather you just keep your mouth shut

I don't want any presents or cards
My grinch-like heart is bitter to the core
The only thing I want for Christmas
Is to not love you anymore

I have nothing to live for now
Life feels pointless and has no meaning since we parted
And I have to wonder...
Did the sun stop shining for you as well?

Colors do not appear as bright as usual
Food I used to love doesn't taste the same
Every single song I listen to has transformed into the saddest ballad ever composed
Even the tight ball of worry has shifted position in my stomach
The hoodie you got me for Christmas burns my lonely skin with longing...
I wear it anyway

Without you the world just isn't quite right
Like the whole planet has tilted a few degrees on it's axis
To compensate for the gravity of our separation

Every hour looks the same as before
They really aren't
Their steady pace remains the same and they take the same route they always do but they are anything but unchanged
Because they feel so much heavier now
So wrong

I stumble from one interaction to the next
Saying my words
Smiling my smile
Directing my limbs
Being the person I was

Yet, I am not her anymore
My life is still my life
My friends are still my friends
My heart is still mine in my chest
My teardrops still fall from my eyes
My feelings are still the mess they've been for years
Yet, it isn't my life anymore

I wake up and apply mascara to a stranger's face
Put socks on a strangers feet
Brush a stranger's teeth
Answer to a stranger's name
Because the girl everyone knows is gone and all that's left is this routine perfected by the walking corpse she left behind

Maybe it isn't the world that is irrevocably altered
Maybe what has broken isn't the shade of the morning sky or the smell of cedar shavings or the sound of pouring rain splashing against puddles
Maybe nothing is actually different at all

Except me

Autumn is a subtle thief
Moseying in then out so brief
A swift taker of all things emerald and bright
No burglar alarm will keep safe the light
Daring to steal the warmth off your face
A cold Winter the only item left in Summer's place

What an amazing day it is, I am ready,
It is the date my lungs have waited for,
Better than Christmas or Halloween, it's 4/20!
Everyone enjoy, smoke **** galore!

You are clearly an angel in love with a beast
This room is becoming your life's grave
This is where a ****** will happen
I will **** the only body I want to save

I watched myself make a mess of life
I am scared of what comes next for us
My lungs cannot produce enough air
To apologize for causing this fuss

You are beautiful, outside and within
I wish I could take hurt from your heart
I host dreams of unfound happiness
A chance to someday restart

I am in the icy grip of pain
The devil dwells between our sheets
Heart beating faster, trying to believe
There will be no more miserable defeats

You will always wear an invisible hole
A blank space left carelessly by me
An assault in the form of betrayal
Won't you run from the monster I've become and flee?

I dread the day I cannot wake you up
Feeling helpless, I watch you softly die
I'm not capable of halting the harm, can't keep you safe
Or save you from death, I have no choice but to continue to try

A soul so precious it's aura gold
Yet stained with sadness untold
Broken
Frayed
In life's waves is tossed
Still keeps good spirits
Despite all he has lost

He is rain on a hot summer day
Heart beating underneath shades of grey
Band-aid to cushion wounds no one else seemed to see
Healed with one kiss from him effortlessly

But now he wears armor over his own skin
Preventing new love from seeping in
And I don't think I can break through to his soul
Without ripping a gigantic unmendable hole

Memory is an anchor
Dragging down my heart
This weight is slowly sinking me
I'm just not ready to part

Everything kept in bittersweet silence

Lips ****** from biting back the sentences I am not courageous enough to speak aloud

Eyes shut to avoid sting of reality

Upon shelves towering above stature sit dusty expectations
Long since placed carefully with wonderment
Slathered in cobwebs and mice have moved in and taken up permanent residence in the nooks between

It's a **** miracle they stayed in position this whole time
I cannot seem to stop fidgeting and swinging wildly from distraction to distraction
Branches leading away from my plans
Some of them not even sturdy enough to tolerate my weight
Sending me spiraling spectacularly to the solidly packed earth far below

Selecting thrills instead of skills

Denying truth politely
As one turns down a piece of gum

And it doesn't help laying bare my soul
I do anyways

Although I resent pain caused by opening these ancient wounds at least then my sorrow is freed