Self dependence is harder than I thought

Is this an outer-body experience
Or a pretentious subsistence
Like a dog barking at my built up wall
Forming a pattern of cautious consistence

I've never broken a heart but
I've broken every plan I've chosen to mess with
I'm slowly downing this regret and distrust
Like it's freshly poured absinth

The sickness comes right away,
Which I oddly knew to begin with
I say that I'll change someday,
But I think I'll probably stay this way

After all, I'm happy
When the salt isn't in my wounds
After all, I'm happy
When I'm sitting here with you

How can life move so slow
and so fast?
It's as if time goes
and then doesn't pass
Seems like all the time to be had
is yours
but before you know it
death comes to your door
and the time you had is left for the world

With an outstretched hand
and an open heart
You make your mark on what you know
You'll take your mind
and a steady body
and create a life from the dust

Though there's wind outside
and a crackle in the sky
the fear that lurks is of a different kind
You tell me softly
with a quiver in your chin
that your fear of love keeps you hidden in

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

With a brain
deeper than the sea
the blue waters can't compare to what's inside of you
I know your pain
and your reason for shame
but I will hold on this wavering ground

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

And the flowers in the field they call
take my hand and sit with me
they cannot take away the thoughts you have
keep them locked away
keep them locked away
keep them locked away

You say one day soon
when the clouds roll away
and the sun begins to shine
you'll love me that day

One may never know sadness until they look into the eyes of someone who doesn't love them back
Just as one can't know love
without knowing pain
Or anger without realizing peace
And happiness
without a little grief
For emotions are counter active,
and surely you have to know both sides of the story before you understand it

These winter months are barren
with grief and nostalgic memories

As snow consumes the streets,
you consume my mind
Filling it up
and making me fall

The trees are naked and vulnerable
like you made me feel

We were a house without a roof,
a soldier without a shield

I should stay away from your poison
but the thought of you calls me back

I've forgotten the taste of your genuinely untrue words
and your poetry
I can't put a finger on what it was like "being in love with you"
I don't miss you anymore
and oh,
it's so very sweet

The sunlight before a thunderstorm. How it seems to break and falter with a grayish darkness in some areas, while others hold a nostalgic, yellow light ray that seems to reflect the warmth of the past, and its' contents. This is where I find you, with your mysterious mind, sometimes contradicting your quick smiles. This is where I'll keep you, in the middle of a paradox. My golden, stormy sunlight.

Late night thoughts
                       turn into
                                  truth
                    ­                 honesty
      everything I'm afraid of

There's a hidden paradox between
flowers &
death
When loved ones die,
we place living things on their graves
to soften the loss
Irony at its finest

Moral of the story
Life's unfair
We all die
Don't trust everyone
People aren't who you think they are

On the flip:
Life can be good
Make life positive
Change people
Let negative things turn you into a better person
A smile goes a long way
Life isn't all that bad when you think about it

Take me to the place
with streets of gold
and flowing green pastures
where there's no lack of sunshine
even when it's raining
and I can eat with my favorite people
whom were long gone before me
I can spend my days writing
about whatever thought fills my mind
I'll go on far out adventures
maybe to the moon
or atleast to the stars
I'll climb a tree and read a book
It'll be a living fairytale
There'll be lots of swing dancing & Frank Sinatra in this world
With a wonderful fill of Audrey Hepburn & Alfred Hitchcock movies
I can see a drive in theater in the distance
Along with a cute little diner
And a Polaroid camera
To capture my fantasy
And keep it locked away

I picked flowers when you left
because
when a part of me died
I wanted to replace it with something alive

I yearn for something ever so strong
and adventurous
I want the feeling of
loving someone so much
that you just look at them
and think, "wow, I'm so lucky"
I feel like I could've had that
with you
If you'd stuck around longer
I guess circumstances really do change things

Control
Headed towards you like a bullet
Winds up to 105 mph they say
Sweeping, spinning, stirring
Power is out of your hands
Fear will take over
Helplessness is your aura
And lost control is your essence

Let's have an extravagant bonfire for all the lost loves
Burn away the smoky taste of heartfelt memories
Let the fire be our passion
Bright and uncontrollable
And the ashes be the old gone forever
For we are two flames shooting up in a sky full of scattered thoughts and meaningless I love yous

The wind tickles my clothes
as a soft, gentle welcome
The pavement knocks at my feet
to show its support
The flowers waltz through my nose
intoxicating my brain with sweet, sweet smells
The sun brightens my eyes
as if a wake up call
The birds serenade my heart
with their heartfelt melodies
The grass softens my hands
for the earth's light, yet heavy, touch
What a kind, broken place

If a hat is a hat for sitting on one's head, what makes a hat a hat, and not a cap instead?
Those things compared may seem silly, but the differences between lust and love are incomparable, really
Lust is a dog with a bark for rotten meat
Love is the hound who shares his savory treat
Lust is a naked tree on a bare winter's day
Love is the comfort on a fragrant, warm spring day
To be serious, lust can make one quite delirious, a want for flesh and passionless ***, but love, love conquers all,
as Jesus, our Savior, took our fall, that's the greates example of all

How dreadfully awful of you
To play with a woman's emotions
Mixing in happiness and feelings of love
Then drowning her in heartbreak and sadness
Keep your concoctions far from me from now on

If all you've ever wanted was material things
and the perfect lover
with the adorable personality
who takes you on coffee shop dates
and buys your happiness
you are the problem with society

If all you've ever wanted was money,
money to buy that car,
or to travel to that place,
or to eat at that restaurant,
then you, my friend, are not part of the truth
Reality is that life is never what it seems
and these materials will some day turn to dust
along with you and I
Don't let materialism be your vice

Humans are brick walls
putting up a front
hard, yet not impossible, to break down
but if one gets it down
they've opened
a whole new world

Two hearts,
desolate and yearning,
are put through the tedious test
of finding one another,
and they do,
they live as happily ever after as they can in this broken world

Raging through your flesh
making you feel anxious
picking through each part of your mind
suddenly you're frantic
making you lose your (little) bit of sanity
leaving you with insane memories
ripping your heart down an uneven line
leaves you wondering "Do they even love me?"
he's the monster that leaves a trail
he makes a difference on your life
he leaves you out to dry.... or die
it's survival of the fittest with him
                           Stress

Growing up
we were all frightened
with "monsters" &
goblins that kept our energy
heightened
fear of the dark
& of things unseen
but what lay ahead
was far more obscene
bodies intertwined with
meaningless ***
fear of love
and commitment
was the apex
seductive hellos
& deceitful goodbyes
stuck in the middle
of ***** sheets
with all the pain & lies
fears are compromised

Staring through a frosted window
At a girl that is paper thin
Heart on her sleeve, chained to a pen
Crimson blood poured onto paper
Forming words out of alphabet soup
She cannot decide, she cannot choose
The words form themselves
Whether she’s happy with them or not

You
with your intriguing, snakelike lies
your cocophanous ragings
You
with your overused words
apparently I wasn't the only one
You
with your arrogant charm
making everyone feel special
when in reality
it's all a joke
a play
my oh my,
you were one of the best **** actors I've ever seen

People say time isn't real
and the dream is a life without bounds,
but I know that time is real and keeps me close to the ground
He's quite the friend you ought to know
He's a bit overwhelming
He's a bit intrusive
He's a bit absurd
He's a bit abusive
But time is also quite the helper
He wakes me up in the day and let's me sleep at night
He's pristine
and precise
always on the dot
But time is real
and real is time
but then again, it may not

Overcome by debt,
Which my Heavenly Father paid
by hanging with my sins and sorrow
on a rugged cross

I pushed the nails into His hands as passionate, red blood flowed out
and I pulled down the crown of thorns farther into His head with every selfish deed I committed

By my regressions He died,
and when He was gone,
so was a part of me too,
for I was His & made brand new

When the cave could conceal Him no longer,
He rolled the stone aside,
He's alive! He's alive! He's alive!

By strength in him,
my stone started to move,
the sunlight began to appear,
I was dead no longer,
and I was alive in Him

This earth is a car transporting me to a joyous adventure
This place isn't my home
Not now,
not ever

How beautiful the earth You made
and Your life You freely gave
all for our souls to save
and all the pain we deserved,
You mercifully took away,
What a price to pay,
Creator of life,
Giver of grace,
the King of Kings,
my Savior,
Peacemaker,
You rescued me,
so that I could be free,
how heavenly

I took a walk down a sloping path
Trees and brambles, nature’s bloodbath

My hands, a guide
My eyes, a map
My mouth, drooling and drawn to that amber sap

The ground below finally led me there
A trusted fort, a quiet town square
A lonely whistle serenading the unsoiled air

A symmetrical tree sat waiting like a snare
For me to take its’ paragon
But, oh, do I even dare?

Everything can be poetic if you look at it that way

The way you smile and good off at yourself while brushing your teeth

The way the laundry does cartwheels in the machine

The way your curly hair falls right behind your ears

The way you smirk whilst trying not to laugh

The way you stifle a giggle at your crazy life

There is extravagance in the most normal of things we barely glance over

Missing memories is much worse than missing a person
After all, everyone is a memory if they're gone

There once was a girl
& there once was a boy
and that is how I'll begin this story
The girl had high hopes
As did the boy too
The girl wanted love
But the boy wanted truth

With love comes pain
With truth comes lies
But the boy knew these things could not be disguised
He sat & he waited for that one special lady
And when the girl passed he immediately went crazy

She was everything accompanied with true love
The pain, the tears, the emotions, all of the above
So he said to that girl you must be different
from these ****** around here who stand on the corner
The girl replied oh honey I am
and I'm yours for more than a night

So they loved & they loved & they loved all the time
As the boy gave compliments like he was writing a rhyme
But then it came down to it & the girl was in love
But the boy, the dear boy, seemed to be afraid of her love & her need for him

So he left

Society is a paradox
body shaming those who are
"too thin"
or
"overly thick"
Everyone lives behind a
plastic bubble
known as social media
lacking authenticity
& practicality
*** is nothing but a "game"
and dormancy is encouraged
while being fit & healthy is the ultimate title
If you believe in something you are told to proclaim it
unless it's not what the world wants you to say
Are these really social norms?

In an odd way,
I'm glad you broke my heart,
and left me wondering,
because it made me realize the past is not to be lingered on
I'm living for today
and I'm moving on without you

A sour cherry,
The juice of a berry,
A broken canary,
A lullaby

Snow covered trees,
The nest of honeybees,
A cat with fleas,
A scene

Hands interlocked,
Traditional love mocked,
Insecurities docked,
A dream

Perhaps we need a God
If we don't have Him
we have nothing
Perhaps we need a God
to share our burdens with
and spill everything to
Perhaps we need a God
to believe there is hope after life
joy after death
Perhaps we need a God
so we can know
that one day all suffering will end
for those who believe
and one day we'll know happiness
far beyond we've ever known
and the truth will radiate from our eyes
Perhaps we need a God
to merely survive

You don't understand how dangerous I am
I'll treat you with the best of love
And make you the only one I see
I'll try to keep you happy
While keeping myself happy at the same time
But what you don't get
is that I
can let you go faster than you think
yeah, it would hurt me
but distance isn't an option
& communication is necessary
It's a double edge sword
I'm poisonous
but sometimes the taste of poison is ever so sweet

A contradiction.
An anomaly.
Representing everything I am and everything I want to be.
My passion in the afternoon, followed by my silence in the evening.
It'd take you a lifetime to understand me.

If humans as we know
were creatures in the sea
Why, people would be fish
with the government as sharks
stealing our sanity
bringing humanity to its end

The lies of the world are algae
truth is the coral
If you see past the clouded obstacles
you'll see the coral reef of truth in a sea of lies

I sat on your swing
and I kicked up my feet
You were pushing me softly
with the wind running through my hair
You started to pick up the pace
As I began to let go of the ropes
I trusted you
And the swing broke
And I cried
You sat and watched
for a minute or two
and then asked me to swing again
It's too late for that
Im not a child anymore
and the playground isn't my friend

I can't account for the days before,
when I was young and naive and knew little more
than to succumb to the ideologies of those around me
Then there comes a point,
where one's mind is awakened,
and choices that used to be made for you,
are now yours for the choosing,
Choose wisely,
and live life with an open heart and imaginative mind

On this day,
with this unusually warm weather,
I'm reminded of what you used to be like,
what I used to know you as,
your tan skin,
your hazel eyes that
remind me of two worlds colliding,
your short, funny looking hair,
everything reminds me of you,
or atleast what I knew you as

Let me go
Don't pretend you're holding on
when I see you are in love with her
You've already broken my heart
Just let me go

Only fools speak that life is solely about being happy
for if life was for personal happiness,
no one would actually be happy
Life is about connections,
meeting strangers in odd places,
eating Chinese takeout while reading your favorite book at 2 in the morning
It's hard working days and sleepless nights
Sad days spent by yourself
The love of two broken people
God and his promise
The fresh smell of the first day of spring
Life is happy and sad
But in the end, it isn't half bad,
For these torn-up moments make us into who we are
You've come so far

Like an arrow shot in the sky
the world has become a pool of obsolete people and danger
With nothing but useless words
bouncing back and forth

Why can't we die in dreams?
Is it because we haven't experienced death
or because no one knows what lies beyond?

Why can't we feel in dreams?
Is it because it's purely imagination
or because we choose not to go that far?

Why can't we smell in dreams?
Is it because our brains aren't processing
or because smells can be dangerous?
As can death and touch
It seems to me that in times of slumber
our brains protect us from all the power we have

The most perfect form of silence
is the one where everyone is asleep
& the only noise is the faint train off in the distance
with the wind rushing back & forth
and the stars shining so bright you can almost hear them twinkle
and the soft sound of rustling sheets
and everything is peaceful
but maybe not so silent after all

Sleeping beauty waiting for her kiss
It's been what seems like years she's waited for this
You don't seem to care
You don't seem to want to be there to save this girl with your selfish affair
She may be unconscious
But her mind is upon us
She's broken
& hopeful
& she realizes in her hazy curse dreams
A man can't save her
She can only save herself
And with that,
she's awake

Don't be tricked by the boy who has a thread of sentimental words pouring out of his mouth
Don't be a fool and fall for his kindness
Don't believe the deceitful excuses he makes up
Promise me you'll never ever trust the boy whose in love with every other girl he sees
I made that mistake
I'm still fixing myself because of it