sprouts grow out my eyes,
renewed.
icicles freeze along my ribs,
numb.
waves roar against my palms,
gentle.

once my fingers touched Hades
i knew he was mine
his thrown-  was mine
little did he know
this feminine body
would soon
overpower him

Dear Journal,        o1.o8.19

I'm discovering that i really have no idea who i am or what i am... isn't that interesting that i am me, but i don't know who that is.

Can you smell the peaches?
Because they are all I can think about-

Paper folded into doors
Fingers twisted into words
I try to grip reality
While collecting bumblebees
They call me whimsical
But i’m just somewhere else

There is only one letter
difference
from feeling lovely-
and lonely.

Being with you was
Ice water with mint gum

Loving you was
Wood pages and warm rain

Losing you was
Muffled screams and dry air

Now without you is
Fresh breeze and pomegranate seeds

Your words reek with lies
You've hurt me too many times
I'll never trust a word out your mouth
You saw me cry with my heart spilled out
Yet you did it again
After saying "Never again..."
Our mother can't see through your poison
My tolerance has been growing thin
"Stop doing this!" I scream and wail
Don't you dare spit another tale.
My soul aches with despair hidden
Anything but happiness feels forbidden

Your tongue must taste worse than gunpowder
Bitter and cold
Because of the words you speak
Bloodied and vengeful
Against everyone, including yourself
Hate, dark as fresh coffee
You live in a house that’s burning
Slowly to the ground
Your hostility, slicing those trying to save you.
My lips sizzle against your lonely ones
And my palms ripped, bleeding, from grabbing yours
I am the earth
That smothers your ignited hatred

I thought it was friends before passing guys
I thought it was always truth before lies
I guess you didn't value me
To the fire, you threw me
You chose my blood over me
He doesn't even love you
He told me.
What did you expect?
You both agreed it meant nothing
But to you it was everything
Now he broke you
And I can't comfort you
Now you broke me too
Friends can break your heart too

You said you had too much of me,
But you only tasted a drop.
You could never understand
The ocean of me.
I am too much for you.
But my soul
Says she can’t get enough .

When I sliced that tender flesh
Bleeding still, so ever fresh

It was not that I tried to die
But because I wanted to feel alive

So save me from this aching death
One of hatred and harsh breath

Suffering on the inside
My bleeding heart, now bleeding thighs

My throat choked and wailed
As my sadness was veiled

So help them, and help us all
Whose ripped skin is a pleading call

Stop trying to cut and glue
The parts of me that
Disagree with you
I'm not at all perfect
Or a flower garden
I'm not always happy
Sorry but, construction paper
Won't fix that and
I don't want it to.

I'm always here for you
Here, where I always am
Ready to be your shoulder
Or to be your laughter

And at the end of the day
My shoulders slump
And my smile decays
I always each out first

But, you're not good at texting back
To me
See, you're not good at being here
For me

Surrounded, I always seem
But only because I surround myself
Not because they surround me
So here I am

But don't worry
I'll always be there for you
Even if
You're never there for me.

I've never been so afraid
Hidden beneath bed sheets
and no one to comfort me

I do not understand
How to let people see me cry
I just feel I need to hide

Not because of pride
but I feel I must always be okay
But usually, I am not okay

I get lost in my head
As I lay still in my bed
And alone, I always feel

No one to help me heal.

Funny how
You meant so much to me
I would lose my breath
When I only saw you
And now
I swallow air easily
You mean nothing to me
Funny how
I’m still writing poetry for you.
Some part of me
Must still love you.

It was my destruction- in the best way.
His presence, just that alone
Would make me lose all breath
I’d be panting,
Trying to catch what I had lost.

When I saw him
My heart would do anything
But keep a rhythm
I could never walk steadily
He was my destruction- in the best way.

His eyes made me shake
My bones turned to rainwater
I was taken by him.
Hung on every word out his lips.
He was my destruction- in the best way.

And when I thought he forgot me
It shattered me
The courage I found
To talk to him
I don't know from where, it came

Turns out he had not forgotten me
But moved on from me
And that’s what hurt the most
But that was the pill I needed to swallow
To forget him

He was my heart’s destruction- in the worst way.

I wish I was there again.
I wish everything that’s in my head got lost at sea,
that all I could taste was salty air.
I wish I was walking in the little shops
that all sold seashells and starfish.
I wish everywhere I was I could hear the crashing tide;
calling me back to the cold, fresh, water.
I wish my feet were buried in warm sand,
hiding from the chilling breeze.
I wish I was where time slowed to a stop,
where I had all the time in the world.
I wish I was staring into a never ending horizon,
where I wasn’t always running to catch up.
Where all I had to do was breathe in and breathe out.

I was in corner
Collecting dust
Waiting for you
Loyal to you

Until awareness
Consumed me.
I saw,
You didn’t even want me.

So I left.
I took my first,
Full,
Breath.

Since the attic
Of which
You left me
And forgot me.

Sailing ships
Cotton candy
A purple eclipse
Warm and sandy

This is what I dream

Forever mountain
Swirling by
A moon, grounded
A dripping sky

This is what I dream

Gears turning
My mind wanders
Always observing
Strange wonders

I used to tear myself apart
And bleed blue butterfly wings
To pause my torment.
My life had become pure survival,
On creating something beautiful
Out of a dreadful loneliness.

My life had become a horrific masterpiece.
No one understood- those blue butterfly wings,
Kept me alive.
I used to tear myself apart.
Slice, to release my anguish.
But a constant, it always was-

Lingering, waiting,
For the blue butterfly wings to vanish.
For me to rip myself apart.
Again, and again, and again.
At times it seemed
My suffering never ended.

These days are different,
For when those blue butterfly wings
Bleed out my skin,
They never mature to red    I devour them
To have lasting serenity.
Anguish will not ruin me again.

Because,
I used to tear myself apart.

I own the world
On a silver platter,
It is mine to destroy-
It is mine to devour.
When I'm hungry,
I will slice with silver knives
And scoop with silver spoons.
I will swallow the world whole.
And dab the corners of my mouth
When I'm done.
And everyone will know it was me.

It was red sand
Dripping through my fingers
Landing on my orange dress

I had been working with clay
Now my hands have grown
To be sensitive and alive

I press my hands against wooden fences as I walk
And to the tree's bark
Rough, under my, now delicate, palms

It was so new
I was feeling something real
For the first time

Clay had become my addiction
Something I could feel and sculpt
With a clear mind

I felt every grain of red sand
Drip through my fingers
And land on my course, orange dress

My freckles
Lay among the clouds
As shining stars
Shimmering as angel hearts

My hands
Caress the sand
Of the ocean floor
Far below the shore

My hair
Waltzes with the wind
As an aerial dance
A ghost at first glance

My vitality
An elemental force
Never to be extinguished
Never to be vanquished

The ocean spray of salt
The everlasting sounds of waves
The sand, a locked vault
The tide, an unforgiving grave

The sun rises at the edge
The memories so celestial
I take my loyal pledge
My heart a sailing vessel

Sea shells, colorful in sound
Sea life, beautiful in sight
A dream I’ve finally found
The sunset, a hypnotizing light

The airborne seagulls calling me to sink
The surf alluring a magical peace
My endeavors start to shrink
The stars turn to be my timepiece

I loved Him
Like the moon loved the stars
I studied him
Like the stargazers
A masterpiece

Please be mine
Never to be mine

Two planets
With different routes
Desperately wanting.

I destroyed myself
For you.
So that my meteors
Would go closer
Than I ever could,
I’m yours for good

I feel like lemons and limes
Sprinkled in sugar
The sour, covered
Soaking in the sweet salt
To become tangy

Maybe I’ll become a peach
Sugary to the pit
Dipped in honey
And brown sugar
Finally mature

I come from paint
And tangled words
I come from shouting
And whispers

I come from the sketches
And vibrant thoughts
Strokes of chroma
And artistry

I come from the salt of every ocean
From blazing fire
And summer storms
From the rock of Jupiter

I am an improved form,
Assembled,
Of the materials,
Of anything I decide.

Pill after pill
Stanza after stanza

A medicine of confession
Poetry, a prescription

For the pain
I would never show

For the joy
I never wrote

Swallowed
Now with ink on paper

Stop with those eyes.
Why can’t I memorize?
More green now than blue
Funny how you
Don’t look like you

Meeting eyes was easy
Like pouring sugar from a jar
Fidgeting with my ring
My heart never beat that hard
I was deep breaths and trembling hands

You remembered what I told you
Such a time ago
Stop making me laugh
You make it hard to let you go
But you’re human too

You have acne too
You fidget like me too
I built you to be a god
My hands loyal to your shrine
But you’re only humankind

But aren’t you beautiful
In your flawed ways
My heart all but sprung
From its cage
And lept into your hands.

I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Ink stirred with salt
It was spilling out of me

I was overflowing with thoughts
I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Of anything and everything

That clouded my eyes
Till nothing harmful was present
I wrote an ocean onto that paper

I used to hate yellow,
Then my soul turned to lemon juice
And now my lips are painted
As a new sunrise
Which changed the words I spoke.
With sour lemons slices
That attracted Bumblebees
And everything
To my lemon soul.