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Jan 2019 · 491
ashes
E McNamara Jan 2019
how can a world,
that is already ashes,
burn me alive?
Jan 2019 · 68
changed
E McNamara Jan 2019
sprouts grow out my eyes,
renewed.
icicles freeze along my ribs,
numb.
waves roar against my palms,
gentle.
Jan 2019 · 947
touched Hades
E McNamara Jan 2019
once my fingers touched Hades
i knew he was mine
his thrown-  was mine
little did he know
this feminine body
would soon
overpower him
Jan 2019 · 48
isn't this better?
E McNamara Jan 2019
that's how many people feel,
but if i'm not writing it
and you're not reading it
that doesn't mean i'm not feeling it.

and isn't this better?
that you know i'm choking?

would you rather me act content
and erase myself with white-out?
while i'm actually rotting behind my masks?
don't tell me not to write "sad" poetry
this how i express myself and my feelings
Jan 2019 · 58
you're like me
E McNamara Jan 2019
i want to run into your embrace
but if i took comfort in your disasters
we would destroy each other
we are both too far gone
Jan 2019 · 52
Searching
E McNamara Jan 2019
Dear Journal,        o1.o8.19

I'm discovering that i really have no idea who i am or what i am... isn't that interesting that i am me, but i don't know who that is.
self-discovering
Aug 2018 · 179
Sweet Distractions
E McNamara Aug 2018
Can you smell the peaches?
Because they are all I can think about-
i'm sure you have heard me say it before. but i just cant keep my head on straight.
Aug 2018 · 260
Somewhere Else
E McNamara Aug 2018
Paper folded into doors
Fingers twisted into words
I try to grip reality
While collecting bumblebees
They call me whimsical
But i’m just somewhere else
always in la la land
E McNamara Jul 2018
There is only one letter
difference
from feeling lovely-
and lonely.
I have a very close friend who has this. She talks about it to me and it sounds like hell. You all are so strong. I love you all. Be gentle with yourselves.

To people with friends with BPD. Tell them you love them. Be patient, understanding. They are NEVER overreacting.
Jul 2018 · 132
Pomegranate Seeds
E McNamara Jul 2018
Being with you was
Ice water with mint gum

Loving you was
Wood pages and warm rain

Losing you was
Muffled screams and dry air

Now without you is
Fresh breeze and pomegranate seeds
E McNamara Jun 2018
if you act perfectly happy for too long
a darkness will grow inside you
and will spill like blood.
regrets, screams
things you wanted to say
things you wanted to do
all the hits you took
which led to all the punches you pulled.
as your thinned heartstrings
finally snap,
you will too
and your fire will burn the world alive.
it's okay to let people see you cry
it's okay to scream and yell
it's okay to not be perfect
it's so much healthier to not be perfectly happy all the time
Jun 2018 · 299
Lies Have Become You
E McNamara Jun 2018
Your words reek with lies
You've hurt me too many times
I'll never trust a word out your mouth
You saw me cry with my heart spilled out
Yet you did it again
After saying "Never again..."
Our mother can't see through your poison
My tolerance has been growing thin
"Stop doing this!" I scream and wail
Don't you dare spit another tale.
My soul aches with despair hidden
Anything but happiness feels forbidden
lying can do so much damage
were you "sorry" you lied or "sorry" you got caught?
Jun 2018 · 208
frustration
E McNamara Jun 2018
I feel like ripping wet paper
and smashing mangoes against my lips.
Jun 2018 · 330
Burning
E McNamara Jun 2018
Your tongue must taste worse than gunpowder
Bitter and cold
Because of the words you speak
Bloodied and vengeful
Against everyone, including yourself
Hate, dark as fresh coffee
You live in a house that’s burning
Slowly to the ground
Your hostility, slicing those trying to save you.
My lips sizzle against your lonely ones
And my palms ripped, bleeding, from grabbing yours
I am the earth
That smothers your ignited hatred
we put out each others hurtful hatred
Jun 2018 · 6.0k
Delectable
E McNamara Jun 2018
My lips are fresh berries
And my heart, a creamy peach.
When I speak,
My mouth drips mango juice,
Delectable and raw.
My mind is plentiful dragon fruit.
My eyes are green melon,
Bright and dewy.
My fingertips, fragile blackberries,
Tender and rich.
My lungs are tangy lemon slices.
To match my lemon soul-
Consuming crisp air.
My tongue, pleasant as pomegranate
**** and joyful.
I am alive.
Can you smell the peaches?
Jun 2018 · 249
shatter (haiku)
E McNamara Jun 2018
i wish i could fall into
those pots and vessels
and shatter like ceramics
we are pieces of pottery
E McNamara Jun 2018
I thought it was friends before passing guys
I thought it was always truth before lies
I guess you didn't value me
To the fire, you threw me
You chose my blood over me
He doesn't even love you
He told me.
What did you expect?
You both agreed it meant nothing
But to you it was everything
Now he broke you
And I can't comfort you
Now you broke me too
Friends can break your heart too
My best friend chose my brother over me. I tore us apart.
Jun 2018 · 175
I Can’t Get Enough of Me
E McNamara Jun 2018
You said you had too much of me,
But you only tasted a drop.
You could never understand
The ocean of me.
I am too much for you.
But my soul
Says she can’t get enough .
You had too much of me but I'm not going to take away from myself, to please you.
May 2018 · 284
Help Us All
E McNamara May 2018
When I sliced that tender flesh
Bleeding still, so ever fresh

It was not that I tried to die
But because I wanted to feel alive

So save me from this aching death
One of hatred and harsh breath

Suffering on the inside
My bleeding heart, now bleeding thighs

My throat choked and wailed
As my sadness was veiled

So help them, and help us all
Whose ripped skin is a pleading call
I know I'm sharing a lot of depressing poems lately. Do not be concerned. These are all my old poems from when I was depressed or I'm writing from past experiences. I just recently have gotten the courage to share them. Love you all :)
May 2018 · 422
Draining
E McNamara May 2018
I was killing myself from the inside
Once it overflowed to the surface
It bled through my wrists
I had told my body to hate itself
So it tried to drain itself
Notes
May 2018 · 249
Construction Paper
E McNamara May 2018
Stop trying to cut and glue
The parts of me that
Disagree with you
I'm not at all perfect
Or a flower garden
I'm not always happy
Sorry but, construction paper
Won't fix that and
I don't want it to.
Flaws are what makes us human. Do not take that away from me.
May 2018 · 185
If Only in My Dreams
E McNamara May 2018
Can I just have one more dream?
Of you and me
For something to remember
For my sanity
I want to feel your lips
Just in my mind.
I can't stand this distance
Please come back to me
If only in my dreams.
I missed him terribly.
Apr 2018 · 255
I am Everything
E McNamara Apr 2018
To be worthy of him,
All I had to do
Was nothing,
Because I am everything
The way I am.
Never change for someone else.
Apr 2018 · 163
Maybe
E McNamara Apr 2018
Thinking about a man,
that chases God,
makes my heart pound.
maybe
Apr 2018 · 152
Kinda Alone
E McNamara Apr 2018
I'm always here for you
Here, where I always am
Ready to be your shoulder
Or to be your laughter

And at the end of the day
My shoulders slump
And my smile decays
I always each out first

But, you're not good at texting back
To me
See, you're not good at being here
For me

Surrounded, I always seem
But only because I surround myself
Not because they surround me
So here I am

But don't worry
I'll always be there for you
Even if
You're never there for me.
It's exhausting, being happy and ready for everyone but yourself.
Apr 2018 · 299
Will you be there for Me?
E McNamara Apr 2018
I've never been so afraid
Hidden beneath bed sheets
and no one to comfort me

I do not understand
How to let people see me cry
I just feel I need to hide

Not because of pride
but I feel I must always be okay
But usually, I am not okay

I get lost in my head
As I lay still in my bed
And alone, I always feel

No one to help me heal.
No one asks me if I'm okay.
Apr 2018 · 201
But Even That
E McNamara Apr 2018
Mountains
Grown by mountains
Fire torn by land
The strength
Seems to be sand
But even that
Thirsts for water
Everything has a weakness.
Apr 2018 · 344
She is Nothing (Part 1)
E McNamara Apr 2018
I scream at her.
I tell her she's ugly
And too loyal,
That she doesn't work hard enough.
She is not enough.
She is nothing.
I wail at her
That she is too open,
Too soft,
Too forgiving.
That everything she gets
She deserves.
I scream awful tears and hit her.
She shatters-
I stare at my bloodied hands and broken mirror.
I am nothing.
Part 2 will be about gaining confidence. :)
Mar 2018 · 205
To Drink
E McNamara Mar 2018
So much depends
Upon

A river always
Flowing

Drop by drop
Dripping

Drink by drink
Living
Three then one.
Mar 2018 · 1.6k
Funny How
E McNamara Mar 2018
Funny how
You meant so much to me
I would lose my breath
When I only saw you
And now
I swallow air easily
You mean nothing to me
Funny how
I’m still writing poetry for you.
Some part of me
Must still love you.
Why do I still write poetry for you?
Mar 2018 · 196
My Destruction
E McNamara Mar 2018
It was my destruction- in the best way.
His presence, just that alone
Would make me lose all breath
I’d be panting,
Trying to catch what I had lost.

When I saw him
My heart would do anything
But keep a rhythm
I could never walk steadily
He was my destruction- in the best way.

His eyes made me shake
My bones turned to rainwater
I was taken by him.
Hung on every word out his lips.
He was my destruction- in the best way.

And when I thought he forgot me
It shattered me
The courage I found
To talk to him
I don't know from where, it came

Turns out he had not forgotten me
But moved on from me
And that’s what hurt the most
But that was the pill I needed to swallow
To forget him

He was my heart’s destruction- in the worst way.
Talking to him shattered what feelings I had felt for him. So now I'm finally over him, but God, he made my heart beat like I was running a marathon.
Mar 2018 · 328
Just Exsisting
E McNamara Mar 2018
I wish I was there again.
I wish everything that’s in my head got lost at sea,
that all I could taste was salty air.
I wish I was walking in the little shops
that all sold seashells and starfish.
I wish everywhere I was I could hear the crashing tide;
calling me back to the cold, fresh, water.
I wish my feet were buried in warm sand,
hiding from the chilling breeze.
I wish I was where time slowed to a stop,
where I had all the time in the world.
I wish I was staring into a never ending horizon,
where I wasn’t always running to catch up.
Where all I had to do was breathe in and breathe out.
I can't stop dreaming of the Oregon Coast.
Mar 2018 · 338
Thoughts
E McNamara Mar 2018
My mind the ocean
Waves crashing, always changing.
Ships sinking,
Sitting on the ocean floor, forgotten.
Ships thriving,
Discovering new land, flourishing.
Ships sculpted,
Brand new, setting out to sea-
Freshly crafted.
The ships like my sailing thoughts,
Wandering.
Expanding.
Forgotten.
My thoughts are always sailing.
Mar 2018 · 342
Loyal Until
E McNamara Mar 2018
I was in corner
Collecting dust
Waiting for you
Loyal to you

Until awareness
Consumed me.
I saw,
You didn’t even want me.

So I left.
I took my first,
Full,
Breath.

Since the attic
Of which
You left me
And forgot me.
Mar 2018 · 214
Sailing Ships
E McNamara Mar 2018
Sailing ships
Cotton candy
A purple eclipse
Warm and sandy

This is what I dream

Forever mountain
Swirling by
A moon, grounded
A dripping sky

This is what I dream

Gears turning
My mind wanders
Always observing
Strange wonders
E McNamara Mar 2018
I used to tear myself apart
And bleed blue butterfly wings
To pause my torment.
My life had become pure survival,
On creating something beautiful
Out of a dreadful loneliness.

My life had become a horrific masterpiece.
No one understood- those blue butterfly wings,
Kept me alive.
I used to tear myself apart.
Slice, to release my anguish.
But a constant, it always was-

Lingering, waiting,
For the blue butterfly wings to vanish.
For me to rip myself apart.
Again, and again, and again.
At times it seemed
My suffering never ended.

These days are different,
For when those blue butterfly wings
Bleed out my skin,
They never mature to red    I devour them
To have lasting serenity.
Anguish will not ruin me again.

Because,
I used to tear myself apart.
This poem is describing how it felt to cut while I was depressed. I cut to take out my anger and sadness on myself. It ruined me and "helped" me at the same time. Again, any feedback would be appreciated :)
Mar 2018 · 199
Mine to Destroy
E McNamara Mar 2018
I own the world
On a silver platter,
It is mine to destroy-
It is mine to devour.
When I'm hungry,
I will slice with silver knives
And scoop with silver spoons.
I will swallow the world whole.
And dab the corners of my mouth
When I'm done.
And everyone will know it was me.
Suggestions on this one? I'm trying to improve it to it's fullest!
Mar 2018 · 391
The Artists
E McNamara Mar 2018
I was tied like a ribbon.
Tied to a silver coin
I followed it everywhere
It was survival

They tell you to do what you love,
But who is financing my dreams?
I only see one decision.
The silver coin.

The ribbon slowly tightening
Around my neck,
Starting to choke the choices
Out of me.

They tell you to do what you love,
But they only mean
The dreams that collect silver coins.
The dreams that fix massive dept.

So what am I to do?
My dusty pockets
And love of art
Leaving me at a crossroad.

I wish for a different world.
Where achieving your dreams
Wasn't a fantasy,
And I could paint words for a lifetime.
How on earth do I become who I want to be?
Mar 2018 · 203
New Palms
E McNamara Mar 2018
It was red sand
Dripping through my fingers
Landing on my orange dress

I had been working with clay
Now my hands have grown
To be sensitive and alive

I press my hands against wooden fences as I walk
And to the tree's bark
Rough, under my, now delicate, palms

It was so new
I was feeling something real
For the first time

Clay had become my addiction
Something I could feel and sculpt
With a clear mind

I felt every grain of red sand
Drip through my fingers
And land on my course, orange dress
My hands feel new. I can feel everything. It's such an amazing sensation. I can't believe I've been living without this for so long.

Thank you to everyone reading my poetry. <3
Mar 2018 · 217
Vitality
E McNamara Mar 2018
My freckles
Lay among the clouds
As shining stars
Shimmering as angel hearts

My hands
Caress the sand
Of the ocean floor
Far below the shore

My hair
Waltzes with the wind
As an aerial dance
A ghost at first glance

My vitality
An elemental force
Never to be extinguished
Never to be vanquished
Mar 2018 · 252
Edge of Dawn
E McNamara Mar 2018
The ocean spray of salt
The everlasting sounds of waves
The sand, a locked vault
The tide, an unforgiving grave

The sun rises at the edge
The memories so celestial
I take my loyal pledge
My heart a sailing vessel

Sea shells, colorful in sound
Sea life, beautiful in sight
A dream I’ve finally found
The sunset, a hypnotizing light

The airborne seagulls calling me to sink
The surf alluring a magical peace
My endeavors start to shrink
The stars turn to be my timepiece
Mar 2018 · 405
And I to You
E McNamara Mar 2018
I loved Him
Like the moon loved the stars
I studied him
Like the stargazers
A masterpiece

Please be mine
Never to be mine

Two planets
With different routes
Desperately wanting.

I destroyed myself
For you.
So that my meteors
Would go closer
Than I ever could,
I’m yours for good
Mar 2018 · 229
Lemons and Limes
E McNamara Mar 2018
I feel like lemons and limes
Sprinkled in sugar
The sour, covered
Soaking in the sweet salt
To become tangy

Maybe I’ll become a peach
Sugary to the pit
Dipped in honey
And brown sugar
Finally mature
Mar 2018 · 139
Assembled
E McNamara Mar 2018
I come from paint
And tangled words
I come from shouting
And whispers

I come from the sketches
And vibrant thoughts
Strokes of chroma
And artistry

I come from the salt of every ocean
From blazing fire
And summer storms
From the rock of Jupiter

I am an improved form,
Assembled,
Of the materials,
Of anything I decide.
Mar 2018 · 190
Thoughts
E McNamara Mar 2018
My mind the ocean
Waves crashing, always changing.
Ships sinking,
Sitting on the ocean floor, forgotten.
Ships thriving,
Discovering new land, flourishing.
Ships sculpted,
Brand new, setting out to sea-
Freshly crafted.
The ships like my sailing thoughts,
Wandering.
Expanding.
Forgotten.
I love all opinions. Don't be shy to comment. Thank you!
Mar 2018 · 158
My Medicine
E McNamara Mar 2018
Pill after pill
Stanza after stanza

A medicine of confession
Poetry, a prescription

For the pain
I would never show

For the joy
I never wrote

Swallowed
Now with ink on paper
Mar 2018 · 419
Shrine
E McNamara Mar 2018
Stop with those eyes.
Why can’t I memorize?
More green now than blue
Funny how you
Don’t look like you

Meeting eyes was easy
Like pouring sugar from a jar
Fidgeting with my ring
My heart never beat that hard
I was deep breaths and trembling hands

You remembered what I told you
Such a time ago
Stop making me laugh
You make it hard to let you go
But you’re human too

You have acne too
You fidget like me too
I built you to be a god
My hands loyal to your shrine
But you’re only humankind

But aren’t you beautiful
In your flawed ways
My heart all but sprung
From its cage
And lept into your hands.
Mar 2018 · 230
Who I Really Am
E McNamara Mar 2018
The sky
A reflection of the sea.
Is that what I am?
A reflection of who I want to be?

It’s wrong
That my words are gentle ripples.
When I want them to be
Roaring oceans.

My reflection is a sea
Trapped inside a raindrop
I’m going to break free
With crashing waves inside of me.
E McNamara Mar 2018
I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Ink stirred with salt
It was spilling out of me

I was overflowing with thoughts
I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Of anything and everything

That clouded my eyes
Till nothing harmful was present
I wrote an ocean onto that paper
Hello Poets! I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and relaxes. Use a bath bomb or something.

I love feedback on my poems so don't be shy. Love you all!
Mar 2018 · 229
Lemons
E McNamara Mar 2018
I used to hate yellow,
Then my soul turned to lemon juice
And now my lips are painted
As a new sunrise
Which changed the words I spoke.
With sour lemons slices
That attracted Bumblebees
And everything
To my lemon soul.
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