At the end of a relationship,
I think I'm reminded of something.
It's a simple truth really, hidden while we're together.
I hate myself.
And when we were together, I didn't, because you loved me, and you were a part of me, and at least some part of me loved me,
I thought.
Can love just die the way it did for you?
Are you even in pain?
I can't tell any more. I think you just want to leave me behind, because I remind you of the part of you,
That still loves me.
Despite the darkness, despite the pain, despite the sheer stupidity,
That part of you lives.
Maybe I'm just telling myself that,
You've had no trouble moving on.
I remember you were so upset with me once,
For not taking time to move on from you.
Look at you now.
There's no time like the present when you're running from the past.
I want to take a year, to talk.
To tell you, through words and actions, that I'm sorry.
I want to fix this massive hole in my shriveled heart,
The one that you put there.
I want to fix us, this incredible beautiful thing we had.
I want to move on, but the demons of my past are putting walls in front of me.
I break down whenever I think about it for too long, not just about you.
I break down when I remember how my father used to hit me for crying, and then hit me more for crying more.
It was a cycle.
I remember when I thought I couldn't love, so I lied to myself until I could.
I remember cold hands in the dark.
I remember the knife, and the blood.
I remember the numbness of staring into the cosmos, and feeling nothing but terror at the smallness of it all.
I got good at burying it, all of it.
Very, very, very good.
I built a dam to hold my emotions in, with the military discipline Aba taught me.
I learned how to drain them into the ocean, just before it overflowed.
Now it's overflowing with nothing at all.
Because you keep walking to the gates,
And knocking them down,
Until the things I forgot I could feel are raw and exposed in the light.
You don't want me to die, but I don't think you love me.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
But you abandoned me,
Right in the nick of time.
I meant it when I said "I love you", despite what the dam was hiding.
But you didn't. You couldn't.
You never needed to build a dam,
To keep the feelings from flow,
Because you know what it's like,
To feel, and let go.
I was taught, day and night,
To hold and to hide,
To never let out all the pain that's inside.
I learned how to numb,
That won't go away.
I can't learn to feel,
When I feel more each day.
I want to believe they mean nothing to you,
but you're wrong if you think that I didn't love you.
I am a single dandelion in a field of beautiful blue bonnets
I am a feather flowing in the blinding wind of a hurricane.

I am the fly who gets trapped in a web of self-destruction,
and the harder i fight,
The farther i am from freedom.
I can’t seem to break away.

I am a chameleon who morphs into my surroundings
to avoid the bad, and occasional good,
to hide from the truth of survival:
kill or be killed.
(it’s a defense mechanism.)

I am a bag full of unkept promises.
Getting heavier.

I am up and down,
A rollercoaster.
And no matter how high you are
You will always come down.
And you will crash.

I am the darkness that surrounds you,
The darkness that seems so endless.
There is no light with me.

I will take you away from your reality,
I force you to live in mine,
full of second guessing, and hatred.
I will show you what loneliness feels like
Even when i am right next to you.
I will let you down,

I always do.
tatianah May 28
I don’t get it
I was having a good day
I was happy
I messed it up
I don’t even know why I said what I said
I was having a perfectly good day
I messed it up
I don’t know why she’s still with me
This isn’t the first time I’ve done this
I feel like I’m forcing her to stay
I’ve said sorry so many times,
I think it’s lost it’s meaning
We were really good
I messed up and went back to the old me
Laying in bed in the dark,
Listening to music,
And crying for no reason
I don’t know why I’m like this
I wish I wasn’t like this
I wish I wasn’t depressed
I wish I was moody
I wish I wasn’t me
zeebee May 27
sometimes an acrid heat
rises in my vocal cords
it tells me to do things
i don't want to do
but i do want it
i just wish i didn't.

it steals my voice
it masquerades as honor
it whispers justifications
it reveals itself to me
in a way i can't refuse

it tells me
it reminds me
how sweetly it stings
when i drag my fingers
against my skin
how could i say no?
i am weak

it wants me to hurt
i want to hurt
it wants me to hurt
i want to hurt
i(t) want(s me) to hurt
because it never was anything
but my own desires
i just didn't want them
to be mine
Aa Harvey May 13
Bubble boy and his internal struggle

My heart is a bunch of knots;
So damaging to myself, my God!
Why can I not just catch a break?
And find someone, to ease this pain.

The drugs don’t work,
I need her.
Only she can cure this nausea.
So full of bile, I fake all smiles,
I think, I thought, I oughta.

Stay away because I am contagious;
No more self-dangerous, just so sick of it all!!!!
This is so much pain for one man to own.
I sit in silence to drown out the moans.
The noise cuts like a knife and I fall to the floor.

I have so much stress, so I detest,
This never rest.
This this.
Is this really the best I can do?
The most fun I can have without being nude.

I would remain sad, but as I exhale,
These words of fail,
I know all things, they end one day.
So if I have to suffer these nails,
That I keep within my body, frail,
Then surely I will one day be saved.
Saved from my eternal struggle,
Over quick double,
Triple the trouble.
Love can only burst my bubble.

(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Valerie May 4
i broke my own heart
before you even could.
an0nym0us Apr 25
Time flies by
Forgetting you is a lie
Befriending you, I was too shy
I never had a chance to even say hi.

I can't deny, I do miss you
But the time I had was too few,
In order to get close to you,
All I can do is stare at you.

Poems I wrote about you are meaningless
Thinking about you is pointless
Even wishing to speak to you is useless
Because I know its impossible, not because I'm faithless.

Such bad luck
Confidence I lack
Here's a fun fact
Not even in friendzone, I am stuck.

Well, I can't bring back time
Now it all ryhme
To me its just fine
I never wished for you to be mine.

I fake my smiles
My distance to you are thousand miles
I Allways act like I'm fine
Because I never crossed the line.

This is going to be my last
I'll just say this fast
I may never gain your trust
To my heart, you are free at last.
The harder my grip, the more pain I'll feel...
But if I let go, time will fly and my wounds will heal...
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