A deep, heavy sigh, erupted
From my choked throat,
My forehead lay on an opened book.
I wish to be lost inside it.
My fingernails dig into the open crease,
Trying to crawl inside.
To be released.
Into a world where my heart has belonged all along,
Into a world where I can do what I'm meant to.
I devour the pages.
Hoping it would consume me
While I consume it.
Release me.
Release me from this world so existent,
Physical and realistic.
I smear the ink along my pupils
Hoping to see a new reality.
I sew the pages to my back.
Hoping to forever lean against them,
When I need to be taken away.

You never came and talked to me.
Never explained your betrayal.
Never said you were sorry.

I’m slashed deep
And it’s not healing.
It’s festering.

I can forget,
And so can everyone,
But can I forgive?

I’m not strong enough to forgive.
Every time I remember
It’s hurts more than last time.

Oh God, it hurts so bad.
Now I’ll never know you,
Because I’ll always doubt you.

Can’t you just say your sorry?
For ripping out a part of me.
Can you just pretend you love me?

Just for a few minutes,
Just pretend, please,
Just say you’re sorry.

Do you even recognize me
my pale skin
and innocent lips

I have come from so far
still to be me
skin and lips

My eyes still hazel and gold
now different
forced to change

Yet the same

Dripping, sinking, far from harbor
A desperate ocean, tugging
“What are you looking for?”
The sea rose and tumbled

My feet drowned in ocean water
And wet sand. The tide pulling.
My ankles- my knees
Quickly found comfort in the sea

“Company?” The salty wet
Devoured my waist then my chest
Gentle ripples reached my lips
I realized it was not the ocean pulling me in

It was my feet. Willing, walking.
To be engulfed by sanctuary
Blue-green, restless, refuge
“Just for a little while.”

My hair began to wreath. Dancing in the spell.
I was enraptured- captured
A deathly calm disguised as a haven.
What has this escape- lead me to?

My lungs choked
My fingers clawed
To find warm sand
Pull me back to shore

I’ve been lost at sea
For too long

Blink blink
Eyelashes flutter
Running water
Let me shrink

Alone, peaceful, quiet
Soaking
Bubbles popping
Calm, my body met

Paper pages
Soul sleeping
Faucet weeping
Erasing edges

I want an ocean
Full of life
Full of roaring waves
A blue, that only an ocean possesses

I want a cool breeze
Fresh and salty
Perfect for the sunny days
That roam the beach

I want seagulls
And seashells
Covering the bay
Decorations in their own way

I want sand
Sand that’s cold and wet
Dense from the waves
Crashing against it

I want those days back
Of nothing to do
But breathe in beauty
And stare at blue

Sticky
Always grabbing
For compliments
For approval

“You’re so pretty.”

Like jam hands
Young and desperate
Sweet and clingy
Searching

“They can’t resist a beautiful girl like you.”

Is that all I am?
“Beautiful”  “Pretty”
That’s all they tell me
Am I nothing else?

“I wish I looked like you.”

Is there no head on my shoulders?
No spine in my back?
Is “pretty” all I have?
Am I nothing but a picture to look at?

“You’re the pretty friend.”

Gooey jam hands grabbing
For any kind words
Of how my looks dazzle
Because

That’s all I’ve ever heard.
Now I’m a "pretty” shell
With nothing worth noticing
Inside.