Thought number one.
I need to stop overthinking.

Thought number two.
I need to stop thinking about overthinking.

Thought number three.
I am thinking about not thinking.

Thought number four.
Thinking hurts. Not thinking hurts. Overthinking hurts. Everything hurts.

I dont’t need a man to
love me to feel loved,

I just need a man to prove
to my brain that I can be loved by one.

I want to cry.

I dont know why.

My heart aches
my head hurts,
my body is tired,

and my thoughts have gone wild.

Sometimes all I need
is my lion-print blanket,

ice in my coffee,

and isolation from my thoughts.

I think the world is too big for us sometimes. We are stuck in specific spots of the world, and often borders and airplanes limit us from discovering the neighbhouring country. It’s funny sometimes our big world is too small for many.

Here’s to the feelings that flow
through my veins,

here’s to the love whose trip
was a lot of pain,

here’s to the days
where I am in vain,

and here’s to your heart
that I cant seem to obtain.

I wake up when the morning takes its first few breaths and it guides my lungs along,
it says;
breathe, breathe child,
it's true you're in the bottom bulb of the hourglass,
but it's not the sand you're drowning in,
it's your thoughts.

Happy one year anniversary
to my scars,
to my once wounded heart,
to my healing soul,
to all the little-broken memories
that I still stumble upon till this day.

I think I gave you
a little too much of my soul,

I think I may have let go
of myself a little too soon,

I don't think I loved you,
I think I just really didn't know what love is.

Yesterday night,
as I was crossing the
bridge of the past,
your name was
barely floating underneath,
I looked at it as it was
half submerged,
half breathing,
and my hand didn't reach out for it,
instead, it reached out for my heart,
listened to its beats,
they said walk to the end of the bridge,
and I did,
my hand reached for my hair and cut
two strands to make a ribbon to tie the past,
you loved my hair after all,
didn't you?

I know Earth still orbits around the Sun,
because I know that your heart continues to beat on Earth
as the thought of you constantly rotates inside my head...

my heart is too full of itself,
it has got so much love to give,
does that scare you away?

here's a map to my heart,
and here's a knife while you're at it

a silent cry
tells it all,
short breaths,
giggles in between,
is the truth funny
or is the reality just another
joke no one laughs at...

there's something very wrong with me

I guess I am a little sorry,
but not really,
I mean, I try to be sorry.

I am still the same person
under the breakdowns,
                              makeups
   and everything in between.

Happiness was always plural in my mind,
there had to be a he, a she or they,
but as time passed,
I grew to learn that
happiness is a singular ' I '.

Don't be afraid of changing,
sometimes the best breaks are taken in the middle of the road,
they can spontaneous and unplanned, but quite needed.

It's okay if the directions
you follow are wrong,
you can always take
a U-turn and home
will always be there.

I’ll stay for the afterparty of our conversations, but I know your party is for one.

I wonder what I am to you, just another gatsby girl?

At first,
I thought you
were special
because you made
my heart play
beautiful melodies,
it turns out that
my heart is the
special one
because it plays
beautiful melodies.

I  don't  know
    if last summer
           was a mistake,
a self-discovering journey,
                                       or both.

I don't know
of any paths
that would
lead to you

I keep having dreams of you,
and they're absolute nonsense,
well,
you're absolute nonsense,
please let me be,
leave my dreams be
nonsense, but without you in them.

You speak,
but I don't recognize the words,
at this moment,
I don't even recognize my existence,

My mind is somewhere between the
waves of the ocean,
playing between the grains of sand,
swirling like the princess it is,

a princess that will
trap you with her offer of kindness,
******* over and over again.

your hands were on my shoulders
just a little bit above
where my heart was overwhelmingly beating,

I made a little prayer,
that I'd stay scared,
because your embrace felt like home,
and I guess you could say
I was too scared to leave my new warm home.

Your fingers fell on my hand,
a mistake,
I thought, I now love mistakes.

The closer and closer we got,
the more distances I wanted to
travel to get to you.

I swear
if this isn't meant to be,
I promise it wouldn't be much of a surprise,
I swear it would be just
another day,
another person,
another feeling
that doesn't want to stay,

some reasons,
I'll just never know.

I just want to be happy today
I don't care if this feeling doesn't last until tomorrow

I just want to grow a pair of wings
and fly with you

I just want to feel peace
lingering from my mind

I just want to inhale
something other than overthinking
and cold dry air.

I bought myself a pair of wings
and convinced myself that I was now able to fly,
so I jumped off the tallest limit I've had set
in the first couple of seconds,
I felt free, in control and weightless
but then the weight of reality fell on me
and I was left on the ground
with a broken mind.

I find inspiration in the alleys
of my mind,
with late night walks
and roads that I've walked on before,
almost too many times,
and also too many may regret,
but is it really regret
when I am still walking
with my mind inspiring the night..

how do I make you jealous
when jealousy is a hostage
in the basement of my being?

how do I let go of jealousy
when sometimes I look at it and it actually is unrequited love
and other times it is just bad timing..

It is true that those are
my hands on the steering wheel
at all times,
but what direction is never, meant and to be?

Grey sky,
black branches cracking through,
wet grass,
broken bench,
green in your eyes
and sparks in my heart.

I am sorry I let someone touch
the outline of your lips,

I am sorry I let someone trace the
goosebumps on your arms,

I am sorry I let someone whisper
poetry to your ears,

I am sorry I let someone
break your wings.

If you were a river,
I should never be your friend,
because you're not a river,
you're just an ocean that likes to pretend.

little boat, I see you,
travelling through the subtle waves,
carrying a stranger across,
greeting the dandelions that are by,
underneath you, the creatures hide,
unable to peak through,
little boat, you aren't so little to life.

My feelings are as delicate as smoke,
they too shatter like ash does.

My thoughts take me away,
and then they disappear,
back in the atmosphere of my mind.

I am so sorry for wanting this,
but what's so wrong about wanting it anyways?

"IT HURTS." You screamed, loud enough for anyone to know that you are indeed hurting.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." I say.

I am a liar, I am oblivious. I dont know if things would ever get better for you. I'm just a person who lives on the hope that tomorrow might bring. Sometimes, faith is all you need.

I am my //thoughts at 3 am // broken and shattered // within the silence // my mouth is shut // there is nothing to indulge // not even the air particles // It hurts so much // to feel // to sense // to even be human // to be me // actually.

I just want to // go home // but // I don't know // if it even ever // existed // I just want to get away from people // I hate // the temporariness // it 's wrapped around my neck // like a string // more like a rope // for // every tear that falls // from my eyes // my neck // my chest //my heart // my feelings  // burned relentlessly.

I want // to drive // I want // to breathe // I want to go // on a road trip // to the furthest destination // to a beach // with the darkest sky // the lightest shade //  turquoise sea // the brightest stars // to fulfill the night // I want to lay // on the beach // pretend // the sand in my life // didn't bury me // I didn't suffocate // I wanted to lay // there for so long // that I would // forget I exist // similar to // the way // I ignore my feelings // for so long// just so that I forget // how to feel.

Sometimes // I wonder why // wouldn't the stars // just fall in my arms // the future // the unknown //
I'm afraid // of drowning // once those feelings // become // too heavy.

everything is labeled // life is // like a side effect // slowly // killing me// I want to // seize many moments // replay them // I want to forget // and forget // just forget //  I am human // that // I once existed // leave no trace behind // disappear into the atmosphere //

I want // impossibilities // to turn // into realities // those thoughts // the scene of them // it could make // everyone // flee // I love to make them wonder // how long those lived // wandering // in my head // how I became // a prisoner in my own mind  // with my own will // I cant // flee // from the human // I am destined to be // I can // never have enough // wanting so much.

I had to let it out.
Slowly; *those thoughts started to suffocate me.

I had to do it.
Quickly; those feelings took control over me.

I had to do it because I didnt want to have to live it.

It started with;
one cut, just one.
just another one,
just other more.

My soul was stabbed, my heart was hurt and my body was scarred.

And my thoughts filled the room ;they became the air particles I breathe.

They would give me freedom to live; but the bonds they had on me would pull me back everytime I tried to **run away.

Those days,
in the mornings,
I stay longer in bed.

Just gazing ,at the ceiling,
Trying to , forget
Those nights.
;I'm unable to dream.

Just over thinking,
to the point,  I fail to
silence my thoughts,
and my eyelids are denying sleep.

Those times,
I feel extraneously not exisiting,
I stand still , watching everything,
fall into place, nor fall apart
unaware* that time is still going,
and I'm just s t u c k.

in; This world,
I have gone underestimated.
Told I should go in others' path.

That my faith isn't good enough,
that I am too weak, too weak,                                                     @DemaaMu
that for my own sake,
I should listen, to their commands.

But I can never go any other way than the path I am destined to go on .

So I just lay in bed;
sick of pretending, someone I am not,
sick of people changing my identity,        

And in this life, in this world in those times in those days and nights,
I have gone, **unknown.

Me, the world, and stupid people .

I* wept,
till my eyes were dry,
and I could feel no more.

In a statment of ,
complete numbness,
I layed in bed,
in hours,
for days,
s a d.

I wiped,
away the tears.
And my feelings ,
wouldn't stop ,
reminding me.
And those memories,
wouldn't stop,
chasing me.
And I couldn't just,
let go.

So many things on my mind, so many wonders going like how and why?

I didn't know you too well, for goodness's sake I didn't know you at all.

But your death, made me realize you've been in pain,
But left me oblivious of the reasons behind.

I wish I knew, I wish I could've helped.
I know it wasn't my fault,
and Even tho it was your decision ,
to commit suicide,  
to let go,
I know that, it wasnt your fault either.

But maybe, just a little maybe and a little of hope that I hold onto ,
you just wanted , a different life, that you could re-unite in with your dad.

But I wish you knew, the impact you left behind.
Because you truly have changed my life ,
you may not know it, and you may never have the chance,
or what's more insane is that maybe one day you will.

Everyone truly is in regret , and even the ones who were far,
have always been there for you, if you could've gave them a chance.

You'll always be in my prayers, and I will make sure to complete the purpose of your life.

Just one message from you, and just one sentence made me this way.

You said "I cant forget our old good days" ,
and you said you didnt want to disturb me anymore.

But sadly , you dont know half the reasons of why I had let you go.

Isn't it weird how one bad comment can overcome several good comments?
Isn't it weird that it's easier to feel bad about yourself than feeling good about yourself?
Isn't it weird how evil can be acomplished faster than the good?
Isnt it weird that we live in such an intricate world, where the negativity always outcomes the positivity, because no good is left, when the bad often lets you down.

Alike charges repel, opposite charges attract. This was our philosophy  in dealing with the atoms in our world. But what about our world? How come all the positivity and the negativity in the world in all of their different forms,  , as they cancel each other, get the world cancelled along?

You make me
sad,

he makes you
sad

and that still
makes me
sad,

what is going
on here?