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fury surges up
on the brink of overflowing
this isn't fair

enlighten me, please
why should I be under a restrictive care order
when I have never hurt myself in my life?

and why should I be watched
every second of every day, invasively
when I have never done anything to warrant that?

I know it's not her fault for being unwell
but sometimes
I just can't bear dealing with the consequences of someone elses actions

fury surges
about to overflow
this isn't fair...
Leah Carr Jun 22
last week, I came alive
maybe that's the wrong phrase
"came alive" implies that it was a joyful thing,
it wasn't

I found myself, lying in a different bed
I moved my arm to reach for a cuddly toy
and the arm was covered in pinky-white lines
and I was scared

today, I came out again
to do nothing but survive, it seemed
to take a few hours of the pain
away from the others

that's all I exist for, I guess
to hold pain
so that others don't have to
so that they can be strong

this pain, the very reason I was formed
seems old and fading
but at the same time
it's as gaping and fresh as a new wound

and all because of someone who once loved us
I am a new alter in our system, for context.
Leah Carr Jun 19
I open my eyes
Thrown into a life I never wanted
Losing people I didnt know I loved

Why is this existence so hard?
I want to give up already
Why does nothing go right?
When these people tried

Maybe there's a meaning behind my name
Maybe that's why they call it
A baptism of fire
This is a song I wrote about what has been happening in our system, with alters going dormant (essentially going to sleep). I have also written music to it, but obviously cant post that on here. Hope you enjoy - Ash
cleobug May 13
i’ve gotta rewire some things inside me
not in the right headspace to take life on right now
without a little extra help from those around and before and inside me

i’ve gotta release some demons, exorcise me
keeping them bottled up for so long, they’ve
got other people’s hands all over me, shaking things up
a prisoner to my own hidden feelings , i’m ready to burst

want to get it out, once and for all
not be trapped inside any longer

a bunch of secrets bouncing around my bones
like stubborn trespasser(s)


i find myself lost in us again
wrapping your& words around me like a hug
falling in love with this cosmic entanglement
watched us bloom in times of turmoil
i'm just so happy to be home, finally
Leah Carr Feb 18
It's a funny word, isn't it
I never used to know what it meant
But now I know
All. Too. Well.

It rolls quite easily off of the tongue
Though of course
In itself
Nothing about it, is easy

Words are strange, really
When the word is so simple
Yet the meaning so

I hate it I hate it I hate it
But I'm being dragged
into it
Interpret this how you will.
cleobug Sep 2021
head filled with thoughts of knives and blood and tears and the finality of the silence that comes After.

short car rides feel that much longer one-handed and with your mind taking detours.

an empty passenger's seat, save for the bag of fresh pharmacy goods; bandages and pills and the sting of the chill winter air.

the suffocating feeling of being stuck inside all day, except this home is a body and relief is only found in quick, deep successions.

basement flooding with memories of Then and When and Red and we find ourselves to be lost in it all. drowning even.

wade through the murk and discover us in the darkest alcoves of yourself. we hide in the shadows where it's safest, drenched.

it's hard to stay present around these parts for very long without something (or someone) stirring inside begging us to forget the rest.
aeth Jul 2021
im not the only one

there are
a few of us.

different ages.

that would
explain the memory gaps
Leah Carr Jun 2021
Your return is wonderfully unexpected, but still seems so surreal.
cleobug Apr 2021
never quite sure of who or where i am
this head's all over the place
wishing it all could be so easy
to look back at this face

see the real me through these eyes
not be fooled by this flesh disguise
there's a familiarity to the confusion

voices echoing inside me
they want to share time
invited them in, it’s a party
can't distance ourselves in the same body
cleobug Mar 2021
people ask me how i’m doing and i say ‘okay’
nobody questions it; cuz that’s what they all say
only time my words are questioned is when i speak my mind
don’t wanna hear reality, so put me back in line
i wish the whole wide world could know just how i feel
this life of fear and lies simply has no appeal
the voices in my head speak more truth than you
i’m getting tired of always confusing the two
my mind is a haunted house; there’s more to me than meets the eye
body full of so many secrets despite my size

if given the choice, maybe i wouldn’t choose this one to possess
occupying a vessel this anxious just leads to more stress
‘friend in high places’ but the place is your head [in the clouds]
smoking and drinking to quiet us; but trust me you can’t drown us out
there’s more work to be done and words to be said
most talk internally but that don’t mean we’re not friends

something to be said about an openminded guy
with so much personality they started to compile
a collective consciousness sprouting within
took years too long to finally let us in
but here we are, now you know and you listen
at names mentioned, your heart now quickens
beats as one, as we are together
a single unit of several, here for each other
confusing to all but one another
you find yourselves in us
a conversation amongst ourselves
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