I didn't realize,
how easily I believed you
and let you break me.

You convinced me,
my beauty was ugly,
my strengths were my weakness,
my pride was my shame
and that I was inferior.

You made me believe,
a reality which was hurting me,
and I accepted what you made
me believe.

When she is hurt,
her anger acts as her defence.

Her pain dissolves into fear,
her hurt dissolves into anger
and bitterness seeps through cracks
in her clenched fists
as she expels her anger
upon others.

She is hurting,
her anger swells
as she dwells
even when she knows
she should not,
but oh well.

Regret is what follows,
after pain is swallowed -
the consequences of her action.

She wants someone to listen,
yet does not tell anyone.
She wants to be helped,
but accepts no one's hand.

Dear anger,
my blood boils
my heart screams
as you make my rage active
and pain passive.

Dear anger,
you put me in danger
for you make me a stranger.
You need to get a grip,
because you make me flip.

Dear anger,
you make everything look so flammable.
Luring me to set my problems on fire.

Pain, insecurities and fears,
I burn it as fuel
to rage you.

I want to believe
that I am still sweet inside,
eventhough I am sad and tired.

But you make me believe
I am someone who inflicts pain,
is cold hearted and fake -
for she is unknown to me.

She stared with blazing fiery eyes
teeth sharper than blade itself
words sinking far more into the flesh,
piercing the heart.

How surprising
for those same eyes were once soft,
affectionate, compassionate and innocent.
Those teeth used to pull into a content smile,
words ever so gentle and kind
exist no more.

In the end,
she became more than she expected.
She became the journey,
a never ending journey.
For she did not end,
but simply changed directions
and kept going.

It doesn't matter
if other don't believe in you,
what matters is
do you believe in yourself?

Thoughts eating away at my brain,
mouth drying away,
lips sealing my shrieking soul away,
tongue stuttering away,
heart palpating away,
lungs having no air,
muscles fidgeting away,
fear crippling my soul away,
nails chipping away,
stress rushing to my brain,
vision blurring away,
tears streaming down my face,
body trembling away
as anxious nerves take me away.

Seeing the good in people
was her virtue
and her downfall.

Frozen memories start to melt,
allowing my past to be relived all over again.
Then comes the wave in motion,
drowning me in my emotion.

I have a voice
behind this tongue
that is quiet and sky
and knotted in my throat.

I have a voice
that whispers to me
but i fear to amplify,
for you see it reflects on who am I.

I fear of what they might think,
as it is not an attempt at speaking
but an insight to my perspective,
and thoughts
allowing them to know and judge.
It's a fear I dread to face,
that consumes me everyday,
I don't face.

I have a voice,
its mine
and I don't want it to be
muted by people
and neither fear.

I have voice,
that it is all mine,
that I will amplify.

For it is a part of
who I am, my opinions
my thoughts,
I choose for it not to be taken away,
neither suppressed.

I give it a platform,
a channel,
and courage
to let it speak
its very own language.

Liberating me
with every syllable it lets slip.

There is a whisper,
a voice so soft
that it goes unheard
amongst the bustling people.

There is a voice,
if you focus you will hear.
For it dances to different rhythm
and moves differently than other tongues.

It is a voice,
that speaks to you.
Whispers to you all day long
indicating what's good
and what's not.
It knows,
when no one else knows
what's right for you.

So learn its height,
learn its breadth,
learn its origin
learn its trail
and its ends
because it's all for you
to test.

You have a voice,
that is powerful.
for it can spew hate
or spread love.
It can tell the truth to save
or lie to manipulate.
It can heal,
It can ****.
It can bring comfort,
and it can bring pain.

Your voice has potential
that can strive for something greater.
It can suppress segregation,
arise integration.

So choose wisely,
with how you tone it.
Amplify it,
express it,
for you can make a difference,
a better difference.

Mental illness is rising
psychologists's career are booming,
social media is redefining
making it a beautiful suffering.

Sadness has become boring,
misery has become enchanting.
Scars have become beauty,
grief has become engaging
and depression has become alluring.

Emotions have become art,
heartbreak has become a heart wrenching song.
pain has become poetry
and mental illness has become
edgy-tending label.

When did they start to disguise agony
behind such beauty?

Once she chased happiness
and now she chases broken pieces.
She fell in love with pain,
it drove her insane.
For who would want to hurt themselves?

Who would choose to
love to be heartbroken,
run back to the ones who would hurt,
reminisces painful memories to be hurt,
indulge in negativity, to drown in its depths
be comforted by demons than people.

But no one saw,
for there were no scars,
for it was mental self harm.

Pain it craved,
fear, rejection and sadness it ate.

She cried, because it was self harm
she screamed, and shouted
asking herself did she not love herself
to be hurt by her own self?

Writers,
poets,
artists,
songwriters
bleed pain into art.

But don'y you understand
pain is not art.
They embellish pain,
to cement the heartache.
They craft darkness
hoping to enlighten.

But in the end,
agony is agony,
no matter how you express,
how you make it bleed.

Emotions from words,
on tear stained pages
captivate readers
making them believe there
is solace in darkness
and leave them forlorn to be adorned.

But their intention was not to
glamorize plan but rather to let it be
their outlet of expression,
therapy and to create.

In the end there is no substitute,
agony is agony,
grief is grief,
illness is illness
and that what it will be.

Ideas,
thoughts,
flood to and fro in my mind,
but none pour
out of my pen.
For these words are stuck,
stumbling,
rushing,
flying,
around in my head.

Mind block feels like a curse,
for it is an empty purse of ideas.
Because as an artist,
you are broke.

I try to defy my mental block,
I scrape my head,
becoming harsher on myself
as I force emotions to be penned
into words.
But all what comes is
incoherent, inadequate,
dots and strokes.

The words are fleeting,
they've lost their meaning.
Out of synch,
out of thought,
out of ink.

Writer's block,
is where I sink.

Sometimes I feel
I am no longer writing for myself,
but rather becoming more like an elf.
Working and writing for everyone,
but myself.

I feel the need to keep my followers
entertained consistently and constantly
out of the fear I may lose my audience.

I feel I lost the purpose of my writing,
finding myself writing to the others liking
rather than expressing the voice within me.

For, once writing felt like a destress
but now it seems more of a stress.

I find myself beating my mind,
scraping for ideas,
juicing what's left within me,
to be drained
just to post consistently.

It's important to remember
to put yourself first above others.
To express to your likings and authenticity.
To not lose one self in the muddle of others
demands, voices and likings.
To remember the reason,
why you initially started.

There are days,
when I feel emotionally overwhelmed
with negativity.
I start to notice the hesitancy
in people's voices,
I start reading and interpreting
between lines.
I start to notice all the
negative intricacies that can hurt me
and over analyze to have found myself
creating chaos within myself.

It is during those days,
do I feel drained that I don't
have the energy to positively
reinforce my own thoughts.

These are the days,
I need reassurance,
perspective change
from someone, other
than myself.

She was more than her skin color. She was more than her features. She was more than just her appearance. It was about her soul. It was about her pure heart. It was about her mind. It was about her passions. It was about the beauty of who she was and what she did. It wasn’t just about intimacy or appearance. It was about her moral beauty more than physical beauty. It was about exploring the depths that made her who she is. She’s the one you could explore the corners of your mind, the one you get lost with during deep and soul enriching talks. She was more than just her skin, she was the ocean. She was a Kalon –  beauty that is more than skin deep. And only the ones who who look beyond skin deep will see her for who she really is.

Sometimes,
I don't need your advices.
I don't need you to tell me
sunshine and rainbows.
I don't always need you
to tell me the positive side
and what's better.

Sometimes I just want you understand
my pain as it is - raw and painful.
I just need you to acknowledge my pain
for what it is
and let me feel it.

Because sometimes,
all I need is
an understanding heart
patient ear
and support to hold onto.

My feelings live on,
because of the memories.
I keep feeding them,
by constantly replaying it in my mind.
You are alive within me.
because of the fragments of memories
I made you from.
You are alive within me,
because I kept you unintentionally
and intentionally.

Sometimes, it gets to you,
no matter how hard you try not to care.
No matter,
how many times you deny it doesn't hurt.
No matter,
how many times you reiterate that it doesn't matter.
It hurts.
It hurts because it still matters,
and at times the thought of it mattering
hurts even more.
Sometimes all these things add on,
and you begin to break.
That's when you finally accept to yourself,
It hurts.

Every day you stay,
it becomes tougher to get out.
Each day you stay,
you become more comfortable with being alone.
With each day your fear grows,
and it becomes harder to take that step.
Each day consumes you,
and you become further away from this world.
So take the chance,
while you still have and
save yourself.
Take the first step,
for now that's all that matters
and the rest will follow.

It's 3 am,
everything feels like it's falling apart.
Self belief is fading,
heart is aching, mind is raging,
colors are fading,
self esteem is deteriorating,
and I am here expressing.

Writing to reunite the broken pieces
into words and art
so it feels like i am not break and falling apart.

My mind makes me believe something
other than my reality.
I am surrounded by loved ones,
Yet I feel so unloved.
I deserve to be happy,
yet I am convinced otherwise.
You see these chemicals in my brain,
the thoughts that are generated
make me believe and feel
everything other than my reality.

Love yourself,
so you can love others better.

Trust yourself,
so you trust others better.

Take care of yourself,
so you can take care of others better.

Be kind to yourself,
so you can be the same towards others.

Do it for yourself,
because self less
without self
just leaves you with less.

Small talks are refreshing,
Intellectual talks are mind stimulating
and deep talks are soul enriching.

Can't you see the signs?
Couldn't you see I was losing myself to the darkness?
I know I didn't reach out
I know I didn't open up
But I tried to show through
one way or another.
Because no matter
how hard i tried to disguise it,
I wanted someone to see the
pain and reach out.
Some of you did care,
but no one showed enough care

But who am I to blame,
I didn't show myself enough care .
I should've cared enough for myself
to not give up on myself.

I should've relied on myself,
rather only on others.
To care enough of myself,
but now I've gone to sleep
and I see no save.

I burnt the bridge to you,
I threw all what you gave me.
I deleted your number,
I cleared the messages,
but that didn't stop me from swimming
back to you again
just to drown once again.

With her jagged edges she stands,
gazing upon the connection between the well versed,
as her language remains misunderstood,
dark and chaotic.

Her edges are sharp,
and grooves are too deep.
The rhythm of her heart
& blood pulsation
feel out of orbit.

An outsider,
an outcast
trying to jam to fit in puzzles;
blunting her edges,
painting herself with different hues to blend.
Yet within she is out of tune.

Sometimes,
we are scared of letting someone in
because we don't want to entangle them in our chaos.

Sometimes,
we fear to reach out for the hand of others
while we are drowning
because we don't want to pull them in.

Sometimes,
we are scared to cling on to the hearts of others,
because we don't want to leave them scarred.

Sometimes,
we scarred to get close,
because we will push them away
and it is just unfair.

Sometimes,
we are so willing to be destroyed
by the pain within us, than to destroy anyone else.

You are alive at night,
dancing in my dreams.
For our love thrives in my heart,
when it's dead in reality.

Dear __ ,
We barely talk,
we spend mornings and nights
looking down on those rectangular box.
You don't even look at me anymore,
unless it is through the lens of yours.
You can't hear me over those phone calls of yours,
and now my heart sores and roars
for I feel alone.

“Darling, I know you want someone to care. I know you want someone to love you the days you don’t love yourself; believe in you the days you don’t believe in yourself. I know you don’t want to feel alone, weak and broken. I know you want someone to go out of their way to show they love and care for you even in the subtlest of ways.
But darling, until that person comes in your life, I want you to care about your happiness. I don't want you to let your happiness be dependent on the people who make you taste sadness. I want you to care about yourself when no one does. I want you to do all that you hope one day someone does for you, yourself. I want you to indulge in all what you love. Indulge in all that enriches your mind; brings love to your heart and brings happiness to your soul. I want you to make plans, go out and have fun for yourself. Because, you my dear are the moon and the sun of your world. You deserve happiness and care even when none are willing to give. You don't need a hand to hold, even when the night gets cold because you've got the fire in your soul. The beat of your heart is enough to keep you going. You are always enough to keep yourself happy, cared about and successful.
And even if you ever to meet that person, I always want you to remember to keep loving and caring about yourself.”

- excerpt from an open letter

From one country to another.
From one air to another.
From one heart to another.
I settle down from the sky to the ground.

I miss the people back home,
I miss the familiarity
I reminisces the beauty of the place
I called home.
It takes time to settle
my emotions
and life.

But then as I roam,
I fall in love with the intricacies.
I see the hidden beauty of the country.
As I meet people,
I start building homes in their heart.
And as I breathe the air,
I start to feel like this is home.

But as soon as I felt I was settling in,
when I was finally falling in love,
I have to leave.  

I feel my deep intertwined roots in
people's hearts being pulled away.
I feel my heart breaking into pieces
as my hesitant hellos
become aching goodbyes.

My heart has become a hollow,
transitioning swiftly from emotional
to emotionless.

I feel alone once more,
as I depart from the ground back to the sky.
But I know, this cycle would repeat once more.

Somedays,
I write to reunite the broken pieces of my heart.
Somedays,
I write when I am unable to cry.
Somedays,
I write the words that never leave my lips.
Somedays,
I write when I feel no one would understand me.
Somedays,
I write the words for help that my soul screams for.
And somedays,
I am unable to write about
the emptiness that exists within.

There is a hole that exists within me,
no pain,
just a sunken hollow.
A constant emptiness
and a feeling of terrible,
terrifying loneliness.

My heart latches onto people,
sometimes even to the ones
who may not know my name.

I can create or feel
love and comfort from them.
I embed them into the figment
of my imagination,
for they are always there to stay.

But once their souls
leave my reality,
the figment starts to fade.

Once the feelings are no longer there
my heart,
my mind
become a sunken empty hole
waiting to be filled once more.

But people,
feelings are so temporary.
For the only fill was self love,
self acceptance,
and connection with god.

So maybe, we are glow sticks,
that need to break to glow.

So maybe, we are caterpillars
who digest themselves during metamorphosis,
to transform into a butterfly.

So maybe, we are stars
that need to collapse
in order to shine brightly.

So maybe, we need to breakdown,
to pick up the pieces and cast ourselves
as someone different.

So maybe, we need to shed
to become a better version.

So maybe, all this
crumbling
breaking
collapsing
was never a destruction
but a birth to something beautiful.

Shut mouth,
mute voice,
bruised mind,
scarred body,
fearful heart,
invaded privacy,
numb skin,
tear welling eyes
and invalid soul.
This is what you made
me feel by just one touch.

For a very long time,
I wondered what was my mistake?
Why me?
What did I do to deserve it?
Did I attract you?
because I never meant to.

But now I realise,
It didn't matter
who I was,
where I was,
what I wore.

Because the person to blame
wasn't me, but you all along.

You stripped my self worth,
dragged me into an ocean of fear,
left me feeling impure and touched.

I wish I could feel
innocent and pure once more.
I wish I could shed
this skin along with my past away.

We are stars wrapped in skin,
a universe in ecstatic motion
that has a heart pulsating
like a supernova
and eyes made of stardust
that shines bright in the darkness.
Thoughts like candlelights,
flickering on and off.

So protect your light,
protect your flame
from the ice of others.

Let it burn,
let it burn brighter
Let it burn,
from within till it’s out.
Let your light shine,
whatever form it maybe.

You came as hesitant hellos
and left as sudden goodbyes.

You came as happiness,
but left as sadness.

You came as love,
but left as heartbreaks.

You came as memories,
but left as lessons.

You came as fire,
but left as ashes.

You came as courage,
but left as fears.

You came as trust,
but left as doubts.

You came as summer,
but left as winter.

You came as spring,
but left as autumn.

You came as a breeze,
but left as a hurricane.

You came as tranquility,
but left as chaos.

You came as the moon,
but left as the shadows.

You came as a mystery,
but left with just history.

You came as a person,
but left as a poem.

She dresses in black,
smudging eyeliner on
her soft eyes.
Applying dark shades of lipstick
and leave her black hair to be caressed
by the ice cold wind.
She wears a cold attitude
and turns her kind heart
to stone, all to resonate intimidation
just to avoid being hurt.

I wanted to make you
taste the venom you poisoned me with.
Make you experience,
every ounce of pain you put me through.
I wanted to make you feel the wrath of the devil
and fire from hell.
Make you feel the darkness that consumed,
abandonment, hate, betrayal, loneliness and anger
that away the soul.

But now witnessing the consequences,
seeing you fall apart,
I realized this isn't what I wanted.

For this is an endless imprisonment of pain
and vengeance is not the escape.

Revenge,
that drove my mind insane,
diminished peace,
and replaced it with echoing chaos.

Revenge,
that filled my heart with hate,
venom in my veins,
ice in my soul,
fire in my eyes
and bitterness in my tone.

Revenge,
that made those moments rot
in anger wrapping up deceit.
Letting me dwell in darkness,
chaos and pain.

Revenge,
that makes more malice
to my hand.
So, I lay upon you to scourge.

Revenge,
that makes me feel like a villain,
with a prison sentence that never transpires.

A day you look back
to see how much you’ve grown and bloomed.

A day you reminisce all the lovely
and memorable memories made over the year.

A day you are thankful for all
your blissful ups that integrated themselves
as memories in your mind.

A day you're thankful to the people
you have met over the year that made
an impact for the better.

A day you're thankful for the life lessons
learnt that made your become a better,
wiser, stronger or simply given you a an
edge that you never had before.

The day when you let your ego
be glorified by the wishes and compliments.

The day you feel extra dose of love
and attention from the people around you.

The day you are grateful for the life you have
and look forward to growing, progressing,
creating more memories.

Because birthday to me is all that
and spending the day with gratitude for
your existence and being around the people
who make you feel like your existence is meaningful
and you are beautiful.