Late at night when I'm trying to sleep
I often picture myself curled up; and
being cradled inside of a Chrysaora's
bell.. From time to time I'd glance out
at its tentacles drifting along with the
oceans waters as it carries me along
I eventually fall asleep, it holds me in
my dreams. I'm dependent on Jellies
they help me forget the bad things.

Just feel like driving,
Clearing my head,
I look back in our past,
and I just see our smiles and laughs,
So many memories.
I can't forget.
But you and me baby,
We're gone and past..

I don't wanna go back and see our past,
I'm so tired of crying as I lay down on the floor,
You broke my heart babe,
and I gave back yours,
Too bad,
So sad,
Is all my mom can tell me anymore.

I keep waiting,
For you to say you're sorry,
and that you'd like to see me,
but you're not gonna do that, are you?
And even though I'm crying it seems I keep denying,
That anything ever happend,
because,

I don't wanna go back and see our past,
I'm so tired of crying as I lay down on the floor,
You broke my heart babe,
and I gave back yours,
Too bad,
So sad,
Is all my mom can tell me anymore.

Is it so bad that, this could be a movie?

Losing people,
for me,
is a constant cycle.
No one ever sticks
I never knew it'd
end like this.

Moving so slowly, as if we were clouds.
Slowly fading away, you're invisible now.
I can't deny you've been on my mind.
I think about you often, but not all the time.

Pull me under
with you into the sea
hold me close as we sink,
and don't let go of me.
You're still my octopus.

On the other side of the screen,
Do you know who I see?
I see someone smiling,
A guy with a nice laugh.
An amazing personality.
This person whom I want to hug.
So badly, but can only do so in my dreams.
I want him to forever, stay with me.

Acidic fury is exactly what I'm feeling, towards you.
The tactics that you've caused me to go through are so painful
I do not understand why you would be so untruthful.
It's almost as if I am floating upon this drift that is full of words you had said in the sweetest of voices.
"I love you."
"You're my stars, my suns, my galaxies."
I keep repeating these sentences thoroughly through-out my mind, every single night.
Remembering the tone, the beat, the eye contact you had made.
Trying to take in the truth, that it was always fake.
Your undying ability to lie straight to my face, was so horrid.
I am feeling betrayed as this 'Caraphernelia' settles in.
I am unaware of the day when my memory of you will fade away.
I hope it's soon.

Your voice is still ringing in my ears as I am dizzily spinning around in my mind,
Trying and trying to just get by this heart breaking of stages.
If only it were easier to forget your name.
Your name.
I will not repeat.
I do not want to say it, I will not cry screaming for you again.
I cannot.
There it is.
The words that you had said to me.
"I love you."
"You are my stars, my suns, my galaxies."
Now I'm crying.
I keep repeating these sentences thoroughly through-out my mind, every single night.
Remembering the tone, the beat, the eye contact you had made.
Trying to take in the truth, that it was fake.

We're all walking down this road,
Never looking back.
And we all know,
Where we plan to go.

But that doesn't mean that we're going,
Even if we're trying.
We can't predict anything.
And we're all confused.

Lost in outer views,
But we can make it through.

I think of you,
I Try to imagine what you'd do.
If you were beside me.
In this particular timing.

But it can be difficult,
You're just so kissable.
You distract me in an
Instant please don't become-

Distant, with me.
You see, I love thee,
And I wonder if,
You think of me..

Do you miss me too?
Because I'm losing sleep,
Just imagining how it'd feel to-
Embrace you.

I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.

I hate my brain,
For not knowing what to say.
There are so many words,
Just waiting to be shared.
Yet my thoughts remain blurred.
Why?
I know that he cares.

But what if my dreams are your reality?

What if we're really Sims characters and we'll all fade away once someone quits their game?

What if my pink, is your blue?

What if my floors are your ceilings?

What if my water is your orange juice?

What do you do when love dies?
What do you do when the glow in their eyes fades..
When you remember how love drunk you once were,
And hang your head down low in shame.
What are you supposed to do?
Do you tell them the truth,
Or stick around?
Do you share your smile a while longer,
Or express your deepest of frowns?
What if you still love them in a way,
But not in the way you once did.
How do you really know when it's over?

His laugh is the best sound,
I want him to stay around.
So I won't give him any reason,
To go walking away from me.

Once upon a time,
there was a girl
she hated herself,
and she hated the world

She was so sad, so often.
She never knew what to do,
with all of her emotions.

She hurt herself and was hurt by others
and eventually just hid herself away...

Then one day,
she met a boy.
A tall boy, through a screen
who filled her with joy.

He opened up her heart,
and made her smile
At least for a little while.

Things were good for her,
outside of her dreams.

There were ups and downs
and turns and tosses
she messed up a time or two,
because she was being stupid.

But things got better,
and things became more clear...
He held her close,
and shattered all her fears.

The girl is now content,
and feels happy often
because of this boy,
her pain was forgotten.

*Maybe someday she'll finish this story.

My
      thoughts
                 are
distorting
     my
         feelings
someone
              say
                  I'm
        ­              
dreaming..

Therapy.
You've made me a walking travesty.
Always trying to trawl me treacherous.
My mind treadling to trench my trifling thoughts.
Only trickling off from the tip of my tongue,
As you're trolling my troublous trigger,
You're no friend to me.
You're only therapy.

You ask me for a favor,
I said I have to decline.
When you ask why,
I feel full with pressure

Deep down I think
So I can live my life.
You push for more;
Vague details aren't enough

I feel so anxious,
Why isnt no enough?
You push harder
and I tell you I got a job.

You try to ask me what
and I say it's a secret..
It's mine to keep private
You ignore me.

Days pass until they stop,
You decided to lash out.
You accused me of things,
I feel pushed around.  

I'm tempted to tell you
Just how abrasive you are.
But I take time to process
And respond with charm.

You ignore me again,
I feel a bit burdened..
But you're so passive aggressive,
With your uncomfortable expressions

I didn't make you have kids,
I didn't tell you to run away,
I never made your choices
It's me who I obey.

Under the gazebo,
you sang in silly cadence
while patting along on your lap
you smiled so happily.
You made my heart beat rapidly
and you still do, so easily
even now just remembering
my heart pounds without warning.
It yearns for the memories to repeat.
So often, I'll lay and reminisce,
even so my heart begs me to rewind,
I feel it crying for what's inside.

My appetite is fading.
Is this normal?
I'm still debating.

The things you say annoy me.
Every word, destroys me.
My mind makes me hear negatively.
It's as if the voices are growing.

But you just don't believe me.
You say "depression isn't a reality."
But if you could hear my thoughts,
Would your opinions change?
What if I told you,
"I'm always walking in the rain."

Do I really have to commit for you to see my pain?
Do you not remember what anxiety did to me?
All those days that I came home crying,
Apparently you don't remember.
The blood that wouldn't stop pouring.
Sure, I told you a lie.
I told you it was an acciedent,
But it really wasn't.

I want to feel your warm words in person,
I want to feel them touch my heart while
I'm standing beside you, the way that they
do when we're miles from miles apart.

Even though we're not close in distance,
you're holding my heart in your hand even now.

Whenever I feel sad, I blow things up in video game land.
Because everything and anything that I built there, can be rebuilt.
I can fix everything in the screen that I hurt or broke.
But I can't fix how you probably think what we had was just a joke.

I look at the clock,
and time seems to stop.
You're all I want,
we've both waited so long.
I look at this clock; 11:25
next thing I know I'm in bed
by your side.
I look at the clock,
and my head spins.
When I see your face,
I can't help but grin.
I miss you Logan.

I'm not here to judge your perspective
We were in the same place but our childhoods were different
We saw and felt different things
It's not a bad word, it's the way we perceived and lived through everything

We may have been in the same places,
but couldn't see through each other's faces.
We both had our bad experiences
and found ways to get through them

It's been so hard for me to let go
but after we spoke I think I finally know,
I can't do the work for you,
You have to want to evolve for you.

I can't tell you every story I have
and believe you'll understand where I stand or where I've stood,
You have your own desk where you'll write your book
Although it hurt, because I had so much hope.

You preached so much to me about how we should be close-
You told me how you wished for a relationship to grow,
You said I never shared, never asked and never cared.
I feel like I tried so much but your words make me feel unaware.

It hurt when you told me I hide,
Probably because there's some truth to it,
that hurt me deeply inside.
I have masked around our family for as long as I can remember.

I learned so early that I wasn't what was wanted
I was only loved when I went along and nodded
I always agreed, except for when I couldn't
I'd say no to things to avoid the acting

I hated that I had to be a certain way
To stay free of your judgement
I couldn't wear the shoes I wanted,
or play the songs I liked in the car without hearing your homophobic comments

Having to become every expectation
It is how I have lived for so long
I'm so burnt out now
and I finally don't have to be strong.

I went along with it to avoid the uncomfortable feelings I had,
Every time I would have to be around you
I put up with things I should've never had to.
I'm talking about your husband putting your cat on my face when I was asleep and he knew I was allergic.

The more I reflect, the more I see it
Everything you've projected on me
To avoid your own feelings
The clothes, the music, the comments, the expectation of who you wanted me to be-

I'm sorry you feel like you can't keep growing
Now that you're older and have your own family
It must be so painful to be stagnant
When you want to fly with sunflowers

I hate that I make you feel negatively
and there's nothing I can say to help you
I tried the hardest I could to be honest
and because I did my best, I am now free of my mask of burdens

It's hard for me to conceptualize the expectations you try to hide,
You're all so sneaky when you ask for my side.
When I say no, it's as if you think I'm being snide,
But all I'm trying to do is make strides.

Understanding that "no" is a full sentence for me,
Grew difficult as it was never an option, you see.
Anytime I could refuse, I would with glee,
Seeking control, even when tempted to agree.

The lack of boundaries harmed our natural bond,
I search for our connection, but when you're around, I tend to fawn.
I dislike this transactional, distant bond.

I ask for quality time and am met with fees,
Being fed a lie that your love language is acts of service, please.
Because I do nothing to help you out, it's decreed,
I must not care; I feel like a bad family member indeed.

Thunder claps before the lightning strikes.
At least it did for me, and I learned
how a storm can be a beautiful thing.

The sprinkling rain
felt like kisses on my cheek.
Flutters came along after,
and swept me off my feet.

Everything felt better in the rain
that flooded past my ankles.
Even if it resulted in a sprain
it was still worthwhile.

The thunder was so vibrant,
I wanted it to last forever.
I thought it would have been nicer,
but the thunder was the tip of the iceberg.

After the thunder was over
I had no time to waste.
I tried dancing alone in the rain
and jumped from puddle to puddle.

It just wasn't the same.

When the lightning struck I was lost,
determined to make things work,
I stood tall on the perilous ground.
I would stay until things cleared out.

I refused to let this time be like all the rest!
I wanted to pass the test with flying colors
but I lost myself trying to impress others.
I was stuck in a downpour for what felt like forever.

I let the lightning strike me
but I made it out alive.
I'm smiling up at the sky, in the sunlight
that's peaking out at me.

A storm is a beautiful thing.

I'm glad that you're happy
but sad that I'm not
I just can't stop thinking
about how we fought

For months we've gone
without talking at all
but this time I'm afraid
it'll be years or longer.

At least we won't be somber
because together we're a storm
not a beautiful one either
we're a hurricane
destroying everything
that's in our path,
because we can

We're not good together.
But I can never remember
for whatever reason
I will always want you back.

You said that I've lost the glow in my eyes,
Ever since I began to stay up late at night.
But you don't know how long I've been crying.
How often I would lay in my bed denying,
The tears that devolped so long ago.
I never gave you a chance to though.
You said I had a smile that made you feel nice,
And that it seemed to have disappeared over night.
But you didn't know that it was painted on.
One night I just decided to wash it off.

I step in the shower
It feels like it's been hours
Since I turned the faucet on
but the transition makes me pause

I push the curtain to either side,
Making sure it lines the walls,
Spills are something I avoid
Then I can face the waterfall

It surrounds my every fiber
I start to feel like it's a part of me
I connect with my body,
Closing my eyes and remembering

But a loud noise startles me
I hate the anger I feel,
Every sound, crash, clang that's made
It rattles through me

And suddenly I have to face reality,
Reminding myself of who I am
I'm no longer seven or twelve,
I'm an adult in a safe house

The water covers me as I realize I sat down
Sometimes it's easier to find comfort on the ground
I get up and am covered in bubbles
It's nice to zone out and forget my troubles

I am a stupid poem
that does not rhyme
with broken lines
and slurs formed inside.
I make you feel confused
you want to correct me
but after trying
you're anything but amused.
Because I am a stupid poem.

Imbalanced at heart
So often I press restart
but nothings starting over,
I'm just pushing myself back

There's so much I lack.
I'll stay in old habits,
So I don't have to face it;
My avoidance.

Even when I try to be right,
I'm still wrong.
My last finger is slipping from the dogs tail,
Will she turn around and bite me or disappear?

I sit and wait to see the ending,
But it never comes.
The globe keeps spinning
And time moves on, leaving me unwinding.