There's noises in the dark, they're keeping me on edge,
the scars have made their mark, a result from all I pledge.
I'm waiting for disaster, but it's always coming in a disguise,
I wish that time would go by faster, I'm counting days by the skies.
Oh, I know I went brain numb,
my wits were just going to waste.
Like a hand without a thumb,
like a tongue that cannot taste.
I'm seeing dreams while I'm awake, and it's making me lose sleep.
A soul can bend, but can it break? And can dry eyes still weep?
Sitting behind three locked doors and I still fail to feel safe,
I hear cracking above on the floors,
my skin is raw and my ears chafe.
Oh, I know I've become uptight,
my shoulders will never again slack.
Like two eyes without sight,
like a spine without a back.
"Just because you're paranoid,
doesn't mean they're not after you."
Everything around you has been destroyed,
but they tell you that isn't true.
Oh, I know I've lost control,
but it was already falling apart.
Like a life without a soul,
like a body without a heart.
you do not know what it's like to live with an illness
depression is not just a little extra sadness
you do not know what it's like to live with anxiety
it is not just a constant worry concerning reality
you do not know what it's like to live with paranoia it is not just a nagging thought of something that's not there
you WILL NOT know what it's like, to deal with an illness until the illness finally finds its way around your sanity
I feel like I can’t breathe. If I move, I will shatter. The world will come crashing down. He brought it all back. I don’t want to remember, but it’s all still here. Why did he have to say that? Am I being followed? The walls are crumbling. I am crumbling. My safety has been compromised. This sanctuary I have built has been tainted. Turn off the lights. That is the only way to hide. Hush. Don’t say a peep or you will never stop talking. Let their shadows slip by as you pull yourself inwards. Why did I let him in? Stupid girl, keep your walls guarded at all costs. The nicest face can have the darkest soul.
Can I tell you what happened? Not just today, but years ago? Will you help me or will you leave me there stranded on the rooftop to scream for help? I want to disappear. I wish I could fade into the landscape. My body will turn to dust, and I will float away with the wind. Please don’t leave me here. Stay here with me. Make me feel safe again.
I feel speechless, a word I often use when a word becomes a word all too much.
I can feel them crawling up my throat but there's a barricade and my brain has too much,
my tongue has rested and my lips are tired of the secrets they speak.
My heart is heavy and my nerves are shot with God knows what.
I feel transparent and all I wish I could do is absorb myself into the ground and let myself disappear beneath a garden of unspoken words that I cannot fathom speaking at this very moment.
"It's just one of those nights,"
I tell myself and all I want to do is stare up at my ceiling and feel the hot tears stream down my face because even making the sound of pain is exhausting to me.
I can't cry out,
I can't let the words roll off my tongue in hopes I have run out of words to say but tonight, I have.
I've run out of anything and everything to speak of and my body is tired.
I want to speak but my eyelids wish to close and my lungs wish to reunite with the oxygen that I have let go in hopes I can kill myself unto a slow and steady comatose underneath a blanket of bittersweet pain.
I am tired of explaining what I feel,
tired of defending something I shouldn't defend, tired of hearing death is near.
I'm oh so tired and all I want to do right now is sleep and never wake up.
and the absenteeism
flits me winding up..
Counting the preumbra of Columba livia
on those marmalade hue of maudlin chillness..
As it commixes up onto wafting airborne:
drifting over the scattered cumulonimbus.
Far flocking flappers .
80° collateral to peeking atomic number 10.
Oh crystalline form of pure carbon..
All mighty massif .
All parallel to 180°.
99 sometimes .
69 and 36 degree.
minus the 13, it sways...
the oscillating stripes.
And the vivid blazing heap of splitting cotton-balls ..
metamorphosing into some voodoo like
Magical. magnetic. amethyst horizon
Devouring the fading dodger wide blue .
Then restoration again.
The alter coequal to dreary cawing
And these paranoiac utterance...
skidding off-track the reality.
Detaining every grasp of it.
i travelled light
on Cemetery Rd.
at every sound
in the whistling oaks
coming after me
i was sick
but i didn't know
hushed by the fire
on the horizon
and the footsteps
at my back
on crystal snow
i was sick
i was a drunken punk
in the soy fields
in a ring of salt