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Escape ,
that's what I would do
when things would get tough.
I would binge,
dream, eat, read & scroll.

I would create another world
where I would live,
free to be.
The place I would
forget about my happenings,
but this was not reality.

I would procrastinate and escape,
but my reality would await
to cuff me away.

With every escape,
my reality would become
a struggle to face

To everyone I was living life
but was I?
For my body was anchored to this world
While my head flew to another

Then came a time
When I no longer wanted to hide
Even though I knew
I did not have the appetite
Because my reality had
become so hard to emotionally swallow
But there was no choice
but to face

Courage
Step by Step
Patience through it all
Change finally came across
And my reality had become a better place
mer Jun 8
She covers the bags under her eyes with a face mask
and her split ends with conditioner,
her bitten ****** nails with pure white polish,
and calls her binge eating "treating herself"

She tells herself it's self care --
pretends she's doing herself a favor
by covering up her pain
so she doesn't have to look it in the face.

But face masks peel off
and conditioner washes away,
those perfect white nails will chip and wear off,
and eating disorders were never a treat
in the first place.
Anya Jun 7
Truly, I feel most peaceful when
My face is attempting to go
Through the floor, smushed up
Against the little fibers containing treasures from last week’s late night snack
Before being swept away by the tornado known as the vacuum cleaner

I somehow really do like it
My stomach being repelled with every breath gives me the mistaken belief
That there’s no need for my exercise routine or that
I won’t be regretting the chocolate hazelnut churros and chocolate ice cream I indulged in
“Just this once”
My new favorite three words

But wait,
It’s not new
Simple the same old story repeating itself again
And again
        And again
japheth May 29
you’re not an
episode
worth skipping.

you’re a
series
worth bingeing.
Caitlin May 24
I have so many thoughts in my head
but none of them actually make sense.
Well, that's not true either.
But I can't figure out the order they go in.
I'm trying to be better.
To love myself harder.
I sing in the shower
and dance in the mirror
but only when its still fogged up.
I smile more in my pictures
and I don't delete the ones in my husband's phone.
I'm making little steps
to falling in love with myself
which is a lot of effort
when I can barely walk as it is.
I try not to hate myself when I break
and binge eat again
but its really hard not to
when I know that I won't eat again for a few days.
And I know its a problem,
and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm just trying to love myself through it.
Fiona May 10
I’m a drug addict
There, I said it
Finger hovering over self destruct
Blinkered to consequence

I’m functional
There’s no doubt
Corporate suit and teeth like pearls
Wolf in sheep’s clothes

I hide it
Course I do
My own flesh and blood don’t know me
Any obituary will be inaccurate

I have a problem
I’ll lay my cards on the table for you
Unsolicited advice welcome
Whatever helps

Here goes...

I’m addicted to food
It alters my mood
For me it ain’t fuel
I feel like a fool
People say diet
I wish they’d be quiet
I’m so sick of trying
I’m so tired of lying
I’m hooked
I’m ******

I’m a ******
Socially acceptable
But still
Fiona May 7
I'm a black belt binge eater
Undefeated diet cheater

In the fridge night and day
Doing what my tastebuds say

Racking the calories up like a boss
Teeth so busy got no time to floss

Fridge light on, fridge light off
Attracted like a dancing moth
You'd think 4 years would be enough
I longed for control and then I lost it
In this cruel cruel cycle

Binge
1000's of calories
guilt
shame
bloating
I feel control when my stomach hurts
I feel comfort

Restrict  
10's of calories
euphoria
shame
grumbling
I feel control when my stomach rumbles
I feel beautiful

This cycle is meant to be a form of control
but here I am
bingeing and restricting
until I can purge this hurt
Quixotic May 3
Take a bite
Swallow
Take a bite
Swallow
Take a bite
Swallow
Take a bite
Swallow
Take a bite
Swallow

Take a bite
Swallow

Another bite

Swallow

Swallow while the bird on the plate peers up at you with sparkling eyes

Why can’t you eat like a bird?
Peck into a seed
One by one
Peck
Swallow
Peck
Swallow
Peck
Swallow
Fly away

Tiny stomach
Hollow bones
Floating on the wind
Spilling feathers
Nature’s confetti

Distract yourself
Rub your dog’s tummy while she peers up at you with sparkling eyes

Why can’t you ***** like a dog?
Gorge from a food bowl
*****
Gorge
*****
Gorge
*****
Bark at a car

Narrow waist
Powerful legs
Streaking through the field
Spilling fuzz strands
Nature’s confetti

Distract yourself
Gaze into the mirror while you stare out at yourself with sparkling eyes
Why can’t you be the girl in your dreams?
Weep
Breathe
Gag
Breathe
Pills
Breathe
Sink to the floor

Bulging belly
Thunder thighs
Writhing on the bathmat
Spilling saliva and tears
Failure’s confetti
April 9, 2019
djemal ua Apr 11
mining liquid ice, cream vanilla something
at dawn, sugar, fat, whipped smoke rising hope
better than hate at breakfast, face etched snarling
a circuit ******, roll and tub down *****
slippery, thumbed a feast of biscuit crumbs
off a plate, table and at feet. Arrived
at loathing a choir rabid, sings morning.
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