My leaves have fallen off,
Shed long before winter's brutality;
I have lost all of my hope,
And I feel only fatality.

Was this destined to be my outcome?
Is there any other ending for me?
My pain and agony, a ghastly sum,
Leading toward death to set me free?

Everything went wrong,
I try not to linger on that fact;
I've tried to sing a better song,
Positive change to enact.

But I am still lost at sea,
Just barely afloat,
I stopped trying to flee,
These shambles of a boat.

Building ourselves is no easy task;
We must rip off our masks.
Only then can we construct,
Only then can we obstruct.

If you flow down the river,
Your soul will shiver,
As you never grasp your potential,
Which for happiness is essential.

Stand alone, be obtrusive,
Oppose those whom are abusive.
Find yourself, find your convictions,
Throw off stagnancy the addiction.

Hearts bleed all year round,
Whether it is me, him, or you.
Hearts bleed all year round,
And there is nothing we can do.

We bleed because we live,
And that fact is terrifying.
We bleed because we live.
That is better than dying?

We are punished for existing,
As if the curse of life was our request.
We are punished for existing,
Yet told that we are blessed.

Dare I write a poem, claiming God doesn't exist?
I admit sometimes that faith is missed.
Sometimes I lie awake, ponder the past,
Wonder why my belief didn't last.

Then I remember what I was forced to see,
The memories of abuse that still bleed.
I remember my polluted childhood,
How it bore very little good.

I think of cancer in children, and natural disasters,
Supposedly the plans of a loving master.
I think of ****, ******, and child abuse,
Suicidal kids hanging from nooses.

Science motivates my disbelief to a certain extent,
But other than that, I refuse to be content.
I can't follow a "loving creator" who fails to care,
A "loving creator" who is never there.

We say goodbye,
To our fragments,
As each phase ends.
We then remember,
Our fragments;
As each phase we transcend.

Swish of the curtain,
Click of the light.
Darkness envelops,
Ensues the night.

Hearts are bleeding,
Partners are needing,
Souls are dying,
Minds are writhing.

My arms remember what it feels like,
Holding you in them.
My lips remember your taste,
And your eyes that are gems.

The best jewelry sparkles in those jade eyes,
Which are the color of fresh grass;
My problem is that I remember these things,
Yet they're out of my grasp.

Don't have a flame,
Have a bonfire.
Don't have a spark of power,
Create an empire.

Don't sing a note,
Croon a ballad.
Don't dance a move,
Reanimate those pallid.

Don't stop because you can,
Don't stop at all.
Turn this message
Into your motto and call.

Frozen tears on my cheek,
Empty soul within my body.
So cold that it crystallizes the moisture on my face.
Sometimes I feel so empty,
So entirely devoid of humanity.

The sun is gone,
It has fallen out of sight;
Heads will lie down
Until the early morning light.

Many will be satisfied,
As they clutch their partner to them;
For though they are conflicted,
They embrace their human stem.

Their partners root them to this earth,
And their warmth lulls them to sleep;
I wish that I had my partner
To hold and nightly keep.

My fear complements your addiction,
For it controls me in such a way;
You have had me under your palm
From the very first day.

It is a terrible thing, to live with trauma,
And to relive that trauma on a daily basis;
I have discovered, mother,
That you have many faces.

My screams go unheard, in the corridors of this hell;
I switch from docile to hostile, for I am a worn shell.
She can rip me apart at the seams, like stitches coming loose,
This cold hell can not be more welcoming than a noose.

Her words render me alert, they ring a bell,
Somehow she still maintains this evil spell.
Even when there is peace, it comes not at a truce,
But manifests from desired words that are deduced.

Sinking into the darkness of one's own mind,
Is both troubling and comforting I find.
For although I am horrified by my own thoughts,
Anger through this is easily bought.

When I have anger, I become resilient;
It's an ember burning deep in me, brilliant.
This fire which burns terribly hot,
Is something I have wholly sought.

My heart often hammers, and I often stammer,
As apologies slip from my lips to the air.
Deceptive lies emit toward the despised,
As though the truth that tears is too much to bear.
Too much to bear for them, or for me to bear?
These unresolved thoughts make me pull out my hair.

Scratches upon my wrist align in perfect time,
To be hidden under a long, cotton sleeve.
These marks I hide are caused by the lies,
And often I think I am on the brink to leave,
Aye, I am on the brink to leave,
Determining suicidal tragedy to weave.

Nightfall stretched out like a canvas,
Discordant screams rattled the night;
People hid within the darkness,
Endeavoring to survive until morning light.

A grotesque creature, long-decayed
Clawed at my arm as I cowered;
In a moment I would die and
Be entirely overpowered.

Gunshots lashed at the air,
And the monster's hands fell away from me.
I turned on my heel and ran,
Began to quickly flee.

I tripped on what felt like a corpse,
And cried as footsteps sounded behind me;
But it was a human hand that pulled this time,
And human voice that sounded, "Let me lead."

Guns blazing, the strange man led me,
Through the streets of the rising dead;
And we said not a single word,
Until later when it was time for bed.

We nestled together under the stars,
And he held my face in his hands:
"You are a very handsome,
And attractive man."

I would blush if I were not wholly content,
Staring into the blue of his eyes;
The next morning there would
Be even more undead to fight.

But this night we had each other,
Were completely safe and sound;
I was lucky that I had
Been saved and found.

"Thank you for saving me,"
I whispered to the man;
And he kissed me then, withdrew,
And said, "Love is my foremost plan."

It is clear to me on this dark night
That alcoholism is a temporary plight.
I do not wish her death,
But continue like this and she'll meet its breath.

I must hold myself together,
Exist throughout stormy weather;
Glue my pieces together with resilience
Understand my own brilliance.

I will survive this all,
Rise up against suicide's call.
This will not be my end,
It is always possible to mend.

Abscond from your digital world,
Fall into the rhythm offered by Mother Earth;
Bathe in the glory apparent before you,
Endeavor to obtain a new birth.

To think one is living,
One must go through the motions;
To know one is living,
One must see the valleys, forests, and oceans.

A man spends days inside his home,
Completely and utterly alone;
Sometimes he delivers messages
Or uses his telephone.

Yet even then he is so integrated;
So controlled by technology.
Thoreau thought no man could live such a life,
And still be considered free.

"We do not ride on the railroad;
It rides upon us - "
These words from Thoreau
We need to wholly trust.

The creator is often imprisoned
By the creations he has birthed;
I think a life so wasted
Has very little worth.

Blood permeated the snow,
Manifesting grief to bestow.
Articulating to the people a tragedy
Heavier than even gravity.

The wizened, elderly woman lay slack,
Eyes open, staring endlessly, snow upon her back.
A small bible peeked from under her hands;
She had not listened to their demands.

She had spoken for those abused,
Attacked by the church that confused,
The purpose it originated upon with hate,
Preaching they'd never get to the gate.

Now I might not believe in God,
But let this portray to you;
People who stick up for the different,
Are often put to death too.

Understand that it takes a great deal,
To unwrite a person's beliefs;
And it is a journey
We must be ready to meet.

Those who have grown with hateful laws,
Often fear persecution from others;
In the process they turn away
Their godly sisters and brothers.

We must be patient,
But know when enough is enough;
We must endeavor to understand,
To not be too rough.

The fire hits my back,
Her name is on my tongue.
I clench my teeth and profess her
As being entirely dumb.

She is pathetic, her weakness
Will not trigger anxiety in me;
Let the fire-water touch my back
And I will be set free.

Her words will not cut me,
For she has not cared.
She has turned into a child,
And is never really there.

I am not obliged to fear her,
For she has very little strength;
I have endured this for a
Terribly extended length.

My hands turn off the water,
I step from the shower reborn again;
Although my back is sore
I am no weaker a man.

One day I won't need this,
The revitalizing fire;
But for now it fuels
This everlasting desire.

To be free, to throw off trauma;
To stop fearing the feeble;
To not balk in the face of
Someone who drinks evil.

Chant that you are brave,
Even as your body begins to quake;
Exclaim that you need not be saved,
Endeavor to alter your own fate.

Affirmations deserve more credit;
Say anything enough and you'll believe.
It's wholly possible to edit,
A new response to fear needs to be conceived.

Therapy is not at my beck and call,
But willpower will help me revise,
Prevent me from facing a dastardly fall,
A pivoting, terminating demise.

Poison spills down throat,
Warming drinker who now floats,
Young boy slits his throat.

He walked into the new world,
Stared at the looming plants of varied iridescence;
Around him creatures chittered and swarmed
About the threat that had yet to convince.

"I mean you no harm, I have come
To escape the clutches of violence."
The creatures did not spurn his words
Or even offer defiance.

He doubted they understood a thing he said,
Yet something in his tone communicated
To these creatures that he
Need not be attacked or hated.

Aye, it was strange to witness,
For the people of Earth rarely gave such a chance;
They would sooner him die than listen,
Display his head atop a lance.

Resolutions hold great importance
In our mortal lives;
But we do not need to wait
Until December 31st to thrive.

Resolve daily to better yourself,
Inch toward being who you are destined to be;
Choose to improve your flaws and
Never settle until you fulfill this plea.

Progress is everything,
For who would want to live, then fall,
Only to realize
They never lived at all.

Upon entering this world,
I emanated innocence that was profound;
By that and pure youth
I was wholly bound.

As I aged and discovered that
The world harbors many dark things,
I also learned that a person has only whatever
Light he decides to bring.

I am learning slowly,
But surely, over time,
That there is purity to be found
In this world of grief and crime.

The tears streamed from your eyes
Like salty rivers on a quest;
They poured to the ground,
As your secret you confessed.

Your mother held her breath,
Stared at you with kindling, rampant rage;
"You are not a ******* boy,
This is just a phase."

She hides you from me,
Separating us from the intimacy that held us together;
Prevents us from experiencing our love in person,
It is so tender.

The days are passing,
You are hurting inside;
She insults you, blames you,
For being a girl who lies.

The knife inches toward you throat,
Your fingers aching to seal your fate;
But baby, look toward me,
It is never too late.

Hold onto this passion as if it
Is the very water to quench your thirst;
The very food to satiate your appetite,
Fulfill your mirth.

Boy of mine,
Your heart is pure.
Eventually you can slam
In her face the door.

Just hold on,
Take deep breaths;
Self-harm isn't a solution,
Neither is death.

Books permit travel to other lands,
Some that actually exist,
Some that are fictional,
Adventures of delightful bliss.

Music allows a person to sink
Into emotion in a way
Much more accurate than
What they can say.

Writing is an escape that grants
Complete control to a person;
The plot is under their control,
To better or to worsen.

These are some of the things
That keep me living day by day;
These things allow my
Heart to go and play.

These lips ache as if they have taken
A beating of a painful sort;
And I suppose that they have,
Upon failing to receive yours as a resort.

Sometimes a ghost tickles my side,
When I sit alone in my room;
I feel a familiar warmth and
Smell your intoxicating perfume.

Something is missing,
My lover is not with me;
He is far away
Somewhere out of reach.

They can separate us but
The emotion doesn't trickle away,
Like they hoped it would when
These cruel rules they laid.

Damage us all you want,
We endeavor to remain together for all time;
You won't understand until
You hear the wedding chimes.

Repent from your addiction,
So we can develop a relationship like clouds
Intertwined with the blue sky;
A relationship of which I can be proud.

Clouds float high above,
Formations of water that practically hug
The sky-ocean that hovers over this planet;
I wish we were like that, snug.

I have known little of you
Over these erratic years;
I have known little love
But many explosive fears.

Please, please, I know that you are weak,
And I know that you are tired;
But your small acts of love
Are so wholesomely desired.

I want more from you,
Want to give you much more;
It's a painful feeling that
Comes from deep in my core.

Flowers die when winter comes,
Stems curling and wilting into nothing
But shriveled masses that exist,
Yet don't, as if they are bluffing.

Many flames have snuffed out these past years;
Friendships have died and dissipated
Like those flowers in winter,
Whose deaths were fated.

The landscape of my life,
Was torn apart at the base by death
That completely reshaped the environment
Like winter's icy breath.

Nostalgia tears at me on these quiet days,
When there is not an overload of work;
The quiet seems to encourage
Nostalgic memories to lurk.

There is no reigning them back in,
Though, the moments that have fallen apart
Like chalk on sidewalk,
Children's favorite art.

I am young, but my youth
Left a long time ago;
I thought it was a river
That would steadily flow.

I have missed out on so much,
I claw at these wishes as time goes on;
For my age is accumulating,
And "young" is only a temporary term to don.

What can go wrong,
Will go wrong;
That is what Murphy said.
So if I can be strong,
I will be strong,
Rather than be dead.

Death is something to become accustomed to,
Something not to fear,
Not to construe,
When examining its leer.

The cycle of life delivers
Exhilaration and then mortification,
Sometimes not filling in any answers,
Neither promising or denying tarnation.

But we need not delve into
The concept of death being morbid,
Or something a god will malignantly do,
At the same time, these thoughts we can't forbid.

Find peace with existing to exist;
Look out for yourself;
Do not unwittingly miss
Those who made you cut your wrist.

Your kisses fall upon my lips like
Wind fluctuating against grass blades,
Changing in intensity as a response to the
Affected's desire to fade.

Firm when I want to cease life
And gentle like water when joy inhabits me,
Because you understand what exactly
It is that I need.

So undesirable, being forgotten after death;
What's the point of living at all,
If you're forgotten upon your last breath?

Perhaps I could be happy
Constructing a modest, pleasant life for my family,
And then passing away a wizened pappy ...

But I endeavor to reach higher
And to achieve goals that some deem unattainable;
That is one of my ultimate desires.

Settle not for mundane,
Be comfortable not with
What just barely sustains.

Don't be an obstacle
On the path to your success:
That is not logical.

Christmas isn't so great this year,
With Mommy addicted to beer,
And her son full of fear,
Scared of her drunken leer,
And angry jeer.

The months pass by
Like calendar pages flipping;
But as they move,
Some of them are ripping.

My heart grows more resilient
As the years fly;
But the grief isn't fading,
Just becoming a little shy.

The world that you provided
Was blissfully superior to this;
That world and you
I wholeheartedly miss.

The world doesn't cater,
Neither does it care;
Each has his own
Cross to bear.

Society vomits on those
Who express emotion;
It laughs in their faces,
"What a silly notion!"

Display uniqueness,
That's a terrible crime;
You'll become the target of belittlement,
Your pain to pass the time.

Messed up world,
Messed up creatures;
These are some of the
World's features.

There is hope,
There is a chance;
Throw off the hate,
Dance the dance.

She passed through his life
Like wind rustling the leaves,
Dropping some of them to the ground;
The boy bowed his head to grieve.

The furnace in his heart had been too hot,
And when left untended,
Began to consume him from the inside out,
Unable to be mended.

She was a rocky river,
And he was a pitiful sail boat,
Battered apart by the water and
Unable to float.

Three years ago
Suddenly in the night,
A man I loved passed,
Time extinguished his light.

But I'm learning that
Although the candle blew out;
Sometimes when we delve back,
It flickers with no doubt.

He was a man who taught
Honesty and virtue;
Differentiated between things
You do and don't construe.

Be yourself always,
Believe you will succeed;
That is what he told me
In my times of need.

You can accomplish anything,
Be anyone that you
Dream.
If you approach life
Heading
Full steam.

His voice fades a little as the years go,
And I have no videos to
Remind myself to know.

But even as his voice lessens,
In my memory,
His words, whispered in love,
Will remain endlessly.

You destroyed me,
Leaving me to pick up the pieces of myself;
And hastily reconstruct them into
Something else.

You made me a freak,
And taught me to fear;
Then chuckled, smiled,
And had another beer.

It's all a game to you,
Hiding behind a bottle,
Never owning up to
What you do.

Mother, my ***;
I think that's a relationship
That I'll pass.

No thank you,
Stay away from me;
Just wait until the day,
I am set free.

The casualness with which you act,
While destroying this family,
Angers and appalls
Me to a heightened degree.

Your frame of mind,
What is it, I ask?
Do you think it's okay,
Is it alright, this task?

Earlier today,
I laid outside atop the snow,
A feat that I haven't tried
Since life's true colors showed.

The frost numbed my body,
I'm sure red flushed into my cheeks;
I stared speculatively at the sky,
My eyes searched and seeked.

I wanted to understand the beauty,
That nature offers so readily, the solace,
That it blankets us in even on cold days;
I wanted to understand beauty that is flawless.

My tired eyes embraced small, soaring figures
That coursed through the air with grace;
Content to go their own paths,
Not engaged in a petty race.

The figures were falcons,
That spiraled and sailed on wind above me,
Probably heading south,
For warmth to set them free.

But in that moment I compared them
To man-produced ashes;
Gray soot that courses through the air
Dashes, in varying directions,
As fire burns.

In that moment, the birds drifted through the air
So aimlessly, like the ashes do,
Landing faraway,
Wherever they flew.

Nature itself could be ashes,
If people continue on this path;
This destruction ought to incur
Some sort-of wrath.

Change tonight,
To ensure safe flight;
Safe movement from one phase,
Safe travel to the next place.

My mind morphs often,
A single reason remains unpinned.
Whether it's to survive more nights,
Or the worst of fights.

I change to survive,
To essentially revive,
Myself, to train
The way my mind handles pain.

I change, it's a sad fact,
But we're all born upon this pact;
That we'll be forced to change,
In little ways to keep survival in range.

I weep for the boy who is dead,
Now, all of this unknown from his head,
Wow, if I only I could envision,
A life without this derision.

The boy who lacked it is
Gone from the earth;
And this shell was
Birthed.

To replace something that was pure,
Because the boy could take no more.

The manifestation of love is ineffable;
No description honors it,
No matter how full.

You can love and hate,
At the same time,
I know that fate.

One's heart can be half-poisoned,
Bitter ink scuffing against the red;
I know what it's like,
To feel only half-dead.

The deterioration of society,
Commonly serves as writing material;
Hell, even I could write about changes
That have lessened our souls.

But I also appreciate the changes
That have bettered us as a collective people;
I dream of collaboration between church-goers,
And those that turn from the steeple.

We've evolved to a new level of acceptance,
And equality that was unknown;
Yes, the "isms" still exist,
But in a much softer tone.

Gender roles wreak havoc,
And some feel elite.
But we've inched closer to equality,
And those roles we will defeat.

I have so much hope for this generation,
The kids that have been raised with new eyes;
We possess views that our ancestors
Would abhor and despise.

Unity and inclusion,
Love and tolerance;
I will preach these things,
Until there is a balance.

Feelings of fear,
Coincide with confusion;
The thoughts won't leave,
The anxiety won't loosen.

Feeling every emotion,
And also feeling none;
Finger itches for a blade,
Or the trigger of a gun.

My mind is screaming,
The sound, a guttural wail;
But like my scarce hope,
My lips so often fail.

For a while,
I've thought of changing my name;
I wanted Cody to be the past,
A new title to spring forth for my frame.

Maybe my middle,
Which seems a foreign title.
Or maybe a new one entirely,
To make this life more vital.

But can I do it, cut ties with
All I knew?
With who I was,
Can that be through?

I'm not sure of the right choice,
And that is okay;
I'm still a boy who is
A little afraid.

But I'll determine in time,
What I believe to be right;
And I will defend it with
All of my might.