Being the sun in your misery is dimming me
It’s parasitic
I used to see us symbiotically, I used to think we balanced each others sadness to reach mutual happiness
I was incorrect

Being the blood to your vampiric nature is draining me
It’s bloodsucking
I used to see us as co-unit, I used to think we were an equal part to each others madness and in turn we could reach sanity
I was mistaken

Being the floating device to your endless ocean is sinking me
It’s so heavy
I used to see us a lifeboat, I used to think we were carrying each other through the sea to reach the shore
You’re drowning me

It didn't happen overnight
In fact I never thought it would even be a possibility
How could it?
There are so many incredible differences among us
It didn't happen the way people say it will
But it happened, and it happened strong
Somewhere between the four hour a day phone calls
Somewhere between becoming each others emergency contact
Somewhere between screaming the wrong lyrics in the car at each other
Somewhere between laughing so hard about birds, we are in tears
It must have happened some time between crying to each other about the hardships we have to face
I mean it had to have happened somewhere along kissing and holding hands in my parking lot at 2 in the morning
Anyways, what I am trying to say is I have some how found myself irrevocably in love with you

I am irrevocably in love with you.
This is not a poem.
This is a confession.
This is an outpouring of my heart stings.
I am so in love with you that I needed to get it out on the internet and let the world know.
You possess my whole heart.
Oh dear God, I am so ******* in love with you.

I fall in love ever so quickly
I always have
It happens in an instant, it cuts, it stings and it leaves me with marks
The loves either leave me with an itchy scab that bleeds and peels away after a short period of time
Or the loves leave me with a scar that remains and shows everyone I’ve been a victim of something tragic
But perhaps, maybe just this once, the love will leave me with a scar that’s a reminder that something beautiful and deep has happened to me
Perhaps this time the scar is not a throwback to tragedy, but instead an ode to a future of stoic and life lasting connection

Does anyone know the difference between feeling butterflies and feeling nervous?


Because they’re staring to feel like the same **** thing.

I think I’m in love with you.

I shouldn’t be a mom

There’s no reason i should allow myself to bring children into this world
Children with the same problems that I have
How selfish of me to think and assume I deserve or am worthy of allowing myself to bring someone into this world with my issues?
The anxiety, the depression, the self deprecating thoughts

I wouldn’t be a good mom

How could I look into the eyes of my sons or daughters and know I brought them into this world to feel such immense pain?
What would give me the right to bring children into this hell full of negativity, poverty and intense drama?

I couldn’t be a good mom

How insanely asinine of me to think I should be projecting my problems into my spawn?
What part of my last twenty seven years of life would prompt me to believe I should feel the happiness and pride the mothers and fathers around me feel?


But what if all my honest, true, real self realization would make me the best mom ever?

Here’s the thing about moments; we don’t take the time to appreciate them until they are over
-like that brief second when he pushes your hair away from your face mindlessly while lying down
-like that small amount of time when you’re laughing so hard you’re crying making fun of one another
-like that instant your eyes meet in a crowd full of strangers and you both smile ever so softly
-like that fleeting flash where his hand grips your knee without thought in the car on the way to the grocery store
-like that short minute where he without a care in the world accidentally tells you that he loves you for the first time and you cannot breathe

Love is a series of moments we seemingly take for granted, if only we knew how special those moments were as we were in them

When I think about the future with you I smile about the little things
I think about the late nights on the couch, eating leftover Chinese food and laughing until we cry
I think about the days at the pool, putting sunscreen on your back, and finding your sunglasses for you because you misplace everything
I think about the sunny afternoons, exhausted from the work day, and you're pouring me a drink and telling me you're so ******* proud of me

You could be right next to me, hand in my hand, other hand in my hair and I would still crave you closer to me

I think about you often
-more than friends should
I want to tell you everything about everything
-more than friends should
I miss you all of the time
-more than friends should
I crave your touch on my skin
-more than friends should
I dream about the sound of your voice and that wondrous laugh
-more than friends should
I desire the feeling of my head resting quietly in your lap
-more than friends should
I yearn for the next time I will be graced by your presence
-more than friends should
I love you
-far more than friends should

I think we met for a reason
I think the universe sent you to me intentionally
I think the connection we feel was built by the cosmos
I think that our paths were meant to graze one another
I do not know the reason yet, but I think I am going to fall in love with you

He isn't my type
He isn't what I would normally go after
but dear God, when we laugh until we cry together I swear nothing else in that moment matters

We aren't particularly similar
We aren't what I would normally work this hard to protect
but dear God, when he holds my hand as we drive home, I swear nothing could change what I feel

I am not who I thought I was all along
I am not sure what I am doing or why I am doing any of it
but dear God, when he is everything I can ever think about constantly, I swear I know this is real

We both liked the folded chips, the ones with the extra crunch
We both liked them the best, but you always saved them for me
It was a small gesture, but it was a gesture of love

We both liked to be the center of attention and sing or play guitar for everyone
We both liked to be the one with everyone’s eyes on us, but you always let me shine
It was another small gesture, but you never let me forget you loved me most

We both loved hard and powerful and passionately
We both loved in a way that I have still yet to match with another, but you always loved me harder
In the end it was my failure to connect that let us diminish into smithereens of failed high school sweethearts

And when all is said and done I’m still kind of hoping it’s me and you in the end

I don’t know what to call you and I
I don’t know that what I feel is concrete
So, do I want you because of how badly you want me?
So, do I want to spend every waking moment talking to you because of how you give me light?
I don’t know what to call what we do at your apartment
I don’t know what to say when people ask if I’m seeing someone
When I am with you I feel like I am playing house
So, now what do I do to make it feel like home?

I don’t know what we are doing
I don’t know what we are calling it
I don’t know what I see months down the road for us
But I do know that when he looks at me he sets every single part of me on fire

He said "I thank God every day that I have you"
I said "I pray every day that that is true"

but we are still trying to figure it out

You were a pessimist who sought out the negative parts of everything
I was a realist with a dash of a grand optimist
I wanted to make you see not everything in the world was out to ruin you
You were sad so you did things sad people do, like look for errors everywhere
I was full of light so I tried to shine some of that onto you in any way
I wanted to brighten every part of your life in ways you were not accustomed to
You were depressed so you tried to push me away as a defense mechanism
I was resilient so I tried to push myself further into your life of darkness
I wanted to inch my way in until you had no choice but to see my smile and feel grounded
You grew to let people in and let people love you and your baggage
I was growing too so I tried to make sure we could grow together and not apart
I wanted to give you everything that the other me couldn't give to you



And I will.

Of course you found out you love me now
Of course you want me when someone else has me

Of course you realize you want to be with me now
Of course you promise you will prove you're true and real

Of course the timing is off
Of course fate threw us another out of reach curve ball

Because, what do we have together anyway besides bad timing?

And then suddenly one day it hit me;

It didn’t matter how many pennies I tossed into the fountain
It didn’t matter how many times I caught the clock at 11:11
It didn’t matter how many shooting stars I found up in the sky
It didn’t matter how many lady bugs or butterflies landed on my cheeks
It didn’t matter if I found the stray eyelashes that fell out in my palm
And it for **** sure didn’t matter how many times I ended up with the bigger half of the wish bone in my possession

If you didn’t love me back, a wish couldn’t make it happen either

You are a series of red flashing fabrics and I am a Matador thrusting myself into you over and over and over again

I know it is nothing but pain and embarrassment and yet it’s so natural to me to proceed with these actions

You are a red flag I can spot from a mile away glistening your sequins in my face and I cannot stop but ram my face into yours

I know you bring me no satisfaction and I know I will never win against you in these battles and yet it’s so natural for me to hurt myself for you

Some lines aren’t meant to be crossed
I know that
I’ve always known that
But you’re a line I want to cross 100 times over and over again

Some lines aren’t even meant cross paths  
I know that
I learned that when I was very young
But you and I were never meant to be parallel lines, we were born to intersect

I don't want to keep being your maybe
I don't want to keep being your hypothetical
I don't want to keep being your shadowed fantasy
I don't want to keep being your naughty little secret
I don't want to keep being your ***** on the back burner
I don't want to keep being your inferior alternative
I don't want to keep being plan B

I want to be the girl, the one, you know what I mean

The laugh that keeps you craving more and more
The smile that makes a day full of rain feel like a sunflower garden
The touch that makes the pains of yesterday feel non existent
The snicker that reminds you of play time as a 6 year old
The sarcasm that keeps you on your toes
The soft voice that makes you think about how good of a partner I would be
The drive that makes you want to be a better man, better future husband, future father

Instead, I am the token of *** that makes you hard
Instead, I am the moan that distracts you from your problems you pretend to ignore
Instead, I am the breath of fresh air that reminds you how suffocated you have felt for years
Instead, I am the burden that you can't seem to ignore
Instead, I am the voice in the back of your head telling you that you need to make a decision and you hate me for that

I don't want to fall for you. But I think it's five months too late for those emotions

I hope she knows I am sorry
I hope she knows I don't mean the nasty things I have said behind her back
I mean, I'm sure she's great, I mean, I'm sure she's a delight
I mean, I didn't want to have this happen
I am mean

I hope she knows things will get better for her
I hope she knows I don't want her to be alone forever, but this one should be mine
I mean, I'm sure her smile is nice, I mean, I'm sure she has lots of things going for her
I mean, I didn't know I would feel like this
I am mean

I hope she knows I cry at night knowing what I have done
I hope she knows I know I am the worst kind of woman for being this person
I mean, I'm sure her voice is kind, I mean, I'm sure she makes people's day all the time
I mean, I didn't mean to hurt a happy home
I am so mean

You know my secrets
I chose to give those to you

You know my pain
I chose to give that to you

You know all of my vulnerabilities
I chose to give them over to you

You have my heart
You took that from me

What else can I pass on to you before I become enough?

I didn't want to fall for you

****, I didn't even want to like you

Those days I was so busy being abused by someone else and these days I am so busy thinking about you constantly

So it's been 10 months since I set sight on your reserved smile and bright eyes and I have thought about it every day since

You didn't even know my little details but you watched me fall apart and bawl the day my dad died

I sat there on the cold tile floor and you had to take over things for me and I think several of the best parts of me died that day

But there are so many parts of me more alive than ever now and those okay parts yearn for you

I want to forget you exist some days, forget the common grounds we share and the bonds we have created

I can't I can't I can't

I don't want to fall in love with you

I want to tell you that I do not crave you constantly and passionately
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you that I never want to lay next to you and feel your breath at the nape of my neck
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you how falling asleep next to you isn't something I think would be other-wordly
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I have never imagined us laughing in our underwear on the lanai smoking and passing around a bottle of wine
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I never have envisioned you and I holding hands on a bridge overlooking water and smiling
-but that would be a lie

I want you to know living a life with you at my side is still beyond my comprehension of this world and how I see you next to me for a long time
-and that would be the truth

And maybe home isn’t a brick house and a wrap around porch and a foundation built on a plot of land after all

Maybe home is two arms, and two bright eyes and and a mouth saying “I’m so proud of you. I know you’re trying”

Maybe somewhere out there in an alternate universe you fell in love with me
Perhaps in this other universe I was the one, and the only one, not the other one
Alternatively, in this made up universe I was not a naive girl who wanted to believe you could give a **** about me

I wish I could step into this alternate reality and feel what it would be like to be loved by you
To be held by you
To be kissed by you
Simply to be noticed by you

I would give anything to waltz into the room and your eyes be drawn to me first
To be the first name you want to call when you have something important to say
To be the girl who holds up the posters rooting for you in any situation

Maybe one day I won't be the other girl.

I keep telling myself  "oh it's just a crush"

But I find myself doing anything for you
And I find myself falling asleep wishing you were here
And then I dream about you just holding my ******* hand
But the love songs I hear always make me think of your goofy smile
And the movies and the shows about romance make me think about us
And then I dream about you feeling the same way

But it's just a crush. And I just feel crushed.

when he used to talk down to me and make me feel invisible i would dig my nails so deep into my hands that I bled

I forgot I did this, I tried over and over to repress that

I thought about doing it again today

It's been 9 years.

sometimes I hear a baby wailing in public and i wonder how and why adults never get to break down like that


and then I remember how i sobbed when i got the call that my dad died


and now i can't breathe again

I hope you never feel alone knowing how I feel
I hope you never go to sleep feeling unwanted when I forget to say goodnight
I hope you smile when my name comes across the screen of your iPhone

But then again, of course you wouldn't feel alone, because I am not the one
And then again, you could never go to sleep feeling that way because she already said goodnight
And of course you are probably flipping your phone over on the table when it says "Maybe: Angela"

"You'll lose them the same way you got them"


I pray every night that isn't true.

How unfair to find something real that is so out of touch.

What a foul play tossed out to you and I to try to figure out.

I found you and I want you and I can't keep you

Thanks, Fate.

your words slide through my veins like honey
and they
              d
                       r
                               i
                                        p

their way straight into my heart
and they
                    w
                                    e
    ­         a
                                                v
             ­                 e

a scribbled track all the way to my mind
and I just can't ******* breathe when you talk to me

Now that I got it,

what am I going to do about it?

I can't tell him I would drop everything for him

That if I could make all of his pain go away in his whole life, I would do anything

That even if his happiness doesn't see me in the picture I want it for him

That he could stop talking to me for days and days and I would still be there at his beck and call when he decided to reach out

So I retract and I smile when he reaches out and I laugh when we chat and I shy away when we are together

But my heart yearns for his.

I don’t want to write about you anymore
But then again, there’s nobody else who fascinates me like you do

I don’t want to dream about you anymore
But then you remind me of all the little details you remember about me and I can’t breathe

I don’t want to talk to my friends about you anymore
But then I see your sleeves rolled up and I can’t focus on doing the things I need to do today

I don’t want to imagine that our paths crossed at different times anymore
But then I see your eyes meet mine and I can’t imagine you going away without knowing how I feel

I don’t want to keep ranting about you incessantly
But then I see your shy grin and I just lose control of everything I thought I knew

Maybe he’s just nice

Maybe he talks to everyone in that way
Maybe he always shares eye contact for far too long with everyone he speaks to
Maybe he discusses these little details with anyone who will listen

Or maybe it’s just me

Maybe I have made myself too approachable and too friendly
Maybe I have been creating these scenarios in my head all along
Maybe I talk far too much and he is staring at me telling me to shut the **** up

Or maybe he’s just nice

The timing is off

That is what I keep telling myself anyway
Maybe we met at the wrong time, wrong place, wrong life time?
Maybe if it was a few years earlier or a few years later things would work in a different manner

The timing is off
But the feelings are on.

My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.


She wanted to leave me behind.

It’s so weird because you’re someone else’s
You’re not mine
Not in the slightest
And I miss you so much


I want to make you laugh
I want to hear your laugh again

Hi Dad,
              I don’t know if you can read Facebook posts in heaven. I hope you can. Or can feel this on a spiritual level or something like that. It’s your birthday tomorrow. You are or would be 60. I’m not sure how it works once you’ve passed on. I love you. I know I didn’t say it enough. But I love you so much. And I miss you. Happy birthday. I want to call and leave a voicemail singing to you. Or you pick up and I sing to you. I hope you’re eating something awesome in heaven to celebrate. Like our favorite linguini with clam sauce, or some spicy wings or a juicy cheeseburger, perhaps some authentic Chicago Giordano’s deep dish pizza. I miss you a lot. I miss your dad jokes. I miss when I was little and you would comfort me. I miss when I was sick at school and you would come pick me up and we would walk somewhere and get really good snacks and Twix ice cream bars and go to the park because I wasn’t really sick....I just knew you were off and I wanted to spend time with you. I took everything for granted and I’m so sorry. Happy birthday. If you knew my father you know he was the funniest man in the whole room and his laugh, just like mine, was so contagious. His smile, it lit a place up. I hope you are proud of me. I am trying really hard to be better than I have been. I hope you visit me in my dreams. I hope you’re celebrating. I just hope you don’t feel pain. I love you. Happy birthday dad.

                                            -“Face”

I don't need to understand your problems as I hold your hand to help you through them

You don't need to understand my words to support me as I try to fight my demons and manage through them

You're not my type
Not in the slightest
But yet, there you are making me ever so nervous
And yet, here I am primping myself up for no reason

You're not my type
Not in the conventional ways
But yet, here you are saying my name and I blush
And yet, here I am writing about someone who doesn't notice me

You're an anomaly in my day to day functions and I am ready to explore

we have never even touched hands
we just know each other
we laugh together
we share smiles, and glances for far too long

but i dream about the way ur breath would feel at the nape of my neck
and i think about how fast my heart would beat just sitting on the couch with u
and i even think of how ur kisses would feel like chapped lips but i smile
sometimes i imagine having real conversations with u...


about our pasts
about our goals
about our favorite songs
about our first kiss experience
about our number one desired meals
about our previous pets and current pets
about our views on if aliens exist
about our future with or without each other


but then i remember if any of those things happened i would fall in love with u






and then what would she do?